In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whom I have been coaching for about a year now. I have answered eight previous emails of his in other video coaching newsletters:
“Time To Put Your Big Boy Pants On”
“Healing Our Inner Child”
“Living & Speaking Your Truth”
“Women Love Me For Who I Am”
“Effortless Sex, Dating, Love & Relationships”
“Why We Settle”
“Our True Nature As Spiritual Beings”
“We’re A Good Match!”
Things have been going great in his relationship with his dream woman for the past seven months. He’s had several bumps in the road, which I have discussed in several of these articles and videos in the past. In his latest coaching email, he says that recently his girlfriend has lost interest in sex. She has rebuffed several of his recent advances and he is fearful that his passionate love affair has turned into a platonic relationship. He is a therapist and helps people for a living, but he struggles like everyone else to stand up for himself and what he wants. I explain to him exactly why she has lost interest in sex and what he needs to do to lovingly communicate with her to take his power back, and get his sex life back on track to prevent from becoming her gay male girlfriend.
I am still with Jessica, and we’ve been dating for six months. Most of her life she was single and never dated anyone longer than a year. In my last email, you told me to back off until she was doing 100% of the texting, calling and pursuing. (He has still been doing 20% of the pursuing, which is lowering her attraction level.) I will do that, but last week she wanted to see me so often, that I couldn’t try this out. My main problem lately is that she has not felt like having sex for the last three weeks. (She’s not making the effort she was once making because she senses weakness.) Of course, I can live without sex for some time, but I am so used to seeing this as a bad sign, from my work as a therapist and my marriage, that my alarm bells have started ringing.
Last weekend, we had two really wonderful dates. We went out and had a kickass time. At night we were laughing our asses off in bed, and she helped me with my sexual release, but she wouldn’t try to get off. To be precise, she started kissing me passionately, but suddenly was out off the mood as soon as I took her pants off. (This tells me that she is not comfortable and doesn’t feel safe letting you be the leader.) I did not get any closer to sex in the last few weeks. She is aware of this, of course, but she has no idea other than waiting. (She’s waiting on you to man up and let her know a platonic relationship is not acceptable.) Usually, I get no response to passionate touching or kissing lately, whereas during the first few months, she immediately got wet. She gave me some wonderful Valentines presents with a card saying, “I am so happy with you.” I’ve really let her start touching, and she reaches out and is quite touchy feely most of the time. She says she never was so okay after six months of dating, as her previous few relationships started to dissolve at this point. (She’s emotionally conditioned to expect her relationships to go downhill after a six month period of time.)
It drives me crazy that we click so well and things are going smoothly, but the sex lacks. And she is so fucking beautiful. Honestly, I can’t imagine what I could do better. I court her, she gets compliments, and when she acts stupid, I call her out on that. I asked her what is going on. She said she does not know. (She is reacting to how you’re showing up. You are pursuing too much, and she is expecting for things to go downhill, but you can’t let her jerk you around.) She didn’t feel well at the moment and was stressed out with work. She is very interested in starting NSA, too. (NSA stands for Network Spinal Analysis. See my article and video, “How To Become More Confident & Sure Of Your Actions.” It talks about the benefits of network chiropractic care.) She said she is sure getting physical would come back. I feel it does not make sense talking more or initiating more sex to only get turned down. She said me bringing it to the table too often is counterproductive. I think it has nothing to do with me, but please correct me if I am wrong. (You’re enabling this woman’s behavior by over pursuing.) I am afraid she may have intimacy issues, and perhaps that is part of the reason she was single for so long. (That might be a true statement, but the only thing you have control over is how you show up.) Other than that, we have a really great time. During normal contact, she never seems messed up, and is sweet and giving most of the time. We booked our first kite surfing trip in September. Tonight she said she had a nightmare where we argued, and I was angry with her because she did not meet my expectations. I really love her, but sex in the long run would be a deal breaker. (That’s why you need to immediately stand up for yourself, and let her know she’s not making the effort and she’s not making you feel loved. If she doesn’t treat you properly, she won’t get the gift of your time.)
My response to him:
As I discussed in my previous emails to you, pursuing 20% at this point in the relationship is counter productive. The fact she has lost interest in sex reflects the fact that her romantic attraction to you has dropped. Her loss of attraction is due to several factors: too much calling and texting on your part, acting needy, treating her like your therapist or your mommy, and not standing up for yourself and what you want. It’s great that she wants to see you all the time, but I wouldn’t be so excited about spending time with a woman who has basically turned your romantic relationship into a platonic one. At this point, I would let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. For the next week or two, you should make dates on the weekend only and tell her you’re too busy during the week to see her. This way, she will have to wait several days to see you, so she can wonder about you, think about you, and her sexual attraction can start to grow again. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. If the next time you get together and start fooling around, she tells you she’s not into it, then you need to tell her immediately that you love her, but you are not happy with the fact she has turned your passionate love affair into a platonic friendship. That’s not what you signed up for when you became involved with her. You should make it absolutely crystal clear that you are not interested in a platonic friendship or being with a woman who’s not crazy about you and does not want to fuck your brains out. If she gives you excuses and says she needs time, then tell her that it’s best that she leave and for her to go home, and that you are not interested in proceeding any further unless she is interested in giving your relationship 100%. She’ll either fuck your brains out or leave. If she leaves, you are not going to contact her for any reason. If she leaves and later reaches out, then tell her you’re really glad to hear from her and would really love to see her, but only if she wants to come over and tear your clothes off and make mad passionate love again. If she says she is, then make a date at your place and make dinner together. Hang out, have fun and hook up. The only way a woman will truly love you, choose you and submit to you willfully, is if she knows that if she pushes you too far, you will walk and never look back. So far in your relationship, every time you have had problems or been dissatisfied by her behavior and stood up for yourself, she always becomes submissive, feminine, playful and interested in sex. This is another test of your strength to stand up for yourself and what you want.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to your personal ability to be an effective negotiator for yourself and what you want in your personal and professional life. When we doubt that we deserve to have what we really want, even though we may want it with all of our heart, we tend to either not ask for what we want out of fear of the consequences, or we act too timid and weak to make our desires and actions congruent. Therefore, we settle and ask for terms that are less than what we really want and deserve. Before anyone else will believe that you deserve and are worthy of something or someone that you desire, you have to believe it yourself and act in ways that are congruent with that belief and be unwilling to tolerate anything less. The strongest negotiating position is always being able to walk away and mean it.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne