What you should do if the love of your life, girlfriend, or your wife is considering or talking about moving away to another city, state, or country that you have no desire to move to, and you want to cause her to choose to stay with you instead.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who’s dating a woman he really loves and who loves him, and who credits what he’s learned from me as what has enabled him to attract her into his life successfully, cause her to fall in love with him, and ask him to be exclusive and be her boyfriend. However, since they started dating, she has often mentioned how she eventually plans on moving away to pursue her career path. She has never asked him to move with her. Even if she did, he’s very happy where he lives and has no desire to leave. Lately, she has been talking more and more about moving away and asks how her moving away would affect their relationship. He’s starting to become fearful that he’s wasting his time by being in a relationship with her if she’s simply going to move away in the future. He wonders if he should just get out now instead of sticking around. I tell him what he needs to focus on in order to give himself the best chance of keeping her happy and in love, and causing her to make the choice to stay with him and not move away.
I wanted to write you this email to tell you that because of your work, I am now super-happy with my career and current position in life. As a bonus, I have a gorgeous girl who is a total ten in my eyes, and I have you to thank. Before I found your work, I guarantee I would have screwed it up with this girl because I would have thought that being ultra nice and pursuing her would get her to like me more. The thing is, she has a really sweet personality where most guys would see that and act weak thinking, that’s what she wants, just like the old me would have done. I have to admit, I made quite a few mistakes at the beginning just because of how outrageously beautiful she was. (It’s hard when you have insecurities and doubts. Eventually, you realize you are supposed to be loved by somebody who is amazing.) She was nothing compared to the girls I had practiced on while I was learning your stuff this past summer. However, I stayed true to your advice, for the most part, and just like clockwork, on week 8, she asked me to be exclusive. I couldn’t believe it.
Anyway, we’ve been dating for three months now, and it’s going great. She had been living with her parents the past few years, and just recently moved out to move closer to where she works in the city, and also closer to me “coincidentally.” Here’s the problem and my question. She has been non-stop talking about how she just wants to move out of our state and move to New York City to pursue her career, which I think is awesome by the way, but it kind of annoys be a little bit. There is no date set in stone, but she is always talking about wanting to move away. Keep in mind, she’s not asking me to go with her. I just want to know if I’m being a little bitch for this to bother me, because now it seems like what we’re doing is only temporary until she decides to move. The other half is, if this is in fact only for a short time, should we really be exclusive, because I feel like she’s just seeing me as a bit of a buffer until she moves away. (She may have plans to move away, but if she just signed a lease, she’s not going anywhere yet.) Then again, she wouldn’t have wanted to be exclusive if this was the case unless she was really selfish. (She may be throwing that out there to see your reaction.)
I also want to say, when she asked to be exclusive, she asked what I wanted to do when she moved, and I told her that we shouldn’t worry about it now, and we’d cross that bridge when we came to it. (That was the perfect response because you were communicating you only want to be present in the current moment.) However, over the past month, she’s just been talking about it like we’ll never see each other again.
I know that you’re going to tell me to not worry about the future and just live in the now, but to give you an analogy, it would be like buying a car knowing that it’s going to be totaled in six months. Why would you buy it when you could just rent it and buy the insurance, in this case other girls? (You could ask her if she wants to date other people or not be exclusive to see why she keeps bringing up moving. Have an honest conversation and ask her what her thoughts are.)
I really like her, but I feel like I am disrespecting myself by agreeing to be cool with her moving in the future. Again, there is no definite date or even an actual job, but I want to know how I should react to this? (Live in the present moment. If she’s in love with you, she won’t go anywhere. The only thing you have control over is how you show up today.)
My response to him:
Congratulations on your success in attracting a really beautiful cool chick who asked you to be her girlfriend. You should pat yourself on the back. Good job. The bottom line is, when a woman is head over heels in love with you and her attraction level is in the 9-10 range, she ain’t going anywhere that you aren’t going. As I discuss in my book, when a woman is in love, she’ll give up her kids, her money, her career, her family, her religion, etc., to be with the man she loves. So if you have no desire or interest to move to where she wants to be, and would rather her stay where you are, then tell her this the next time you bring it up. However, you must make it clear that no matter what she decides, that you are going to love her regardless. It’s essential that she feels the freedom to either stay with you in your city, or to move away and pursue her career goals. All you really have control over is how you show up and treat her. The worst thing you can do is put yourself into a fearful state because you’re worried about what may or may not happen in the future. If you do, you will lower her attraction level and cause her to end up moving away. So what you did to get her to fall in love with you is what you must continue to do to keep her in love with you. You must let go of any attachment that you have to her moving away, losing her or losing the relationship. She’ll probably ask you how you feel about a long distance relationship. You have to be clear that you’re willing to try it, but that you have absolutely no intention of moving to another city for her career if you are happy where you are and don’t want to live anywhere else. So as long as she’s crazy in love with you, she’ll stick around. If she starts to fall out of love with you, she more than likely will focus more on moving away and doing what she wants. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Keep it simple and you’ll be fine.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You don’t have any control over what other people choose to do or how they choose to show up in your life. The only thing you have control over is what you do and how you show up in yours. In order to cause people to want to stay in your life long term, you must be their best option by focusing on being your best self. The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. The reality is, your best self may not be enough to cause someone else to want to stick around and be in your life and choose you above all others. Therefore, you must love and give unconditionally, but give other people the freedom and choice to stay in your life or leave you forever. By giving other people the choice to stick around, you will ensure that the right people who are meant to be in your life, will stay in your life. However, if you try to force, manipulate or control other people into staying in your life, you will lose them forever.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne