What it means and what you should do if your girlfriend moves away, but you hope she moves back.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 28-year old viewer from the UK. His Brazilian girlfriend who was on a student visa that eventually expired moved to Ireland and got a student visa there. Now she says she likes Ireland more and doesn’t really like the UK.
He has a good job that pays well and wonders if moving to Ireland would be a good idea or eventually getting married to her in the UK. He’s not sure what to do or if she will even come back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve had many phone sessions with guys over the years that have gotten into this situation with women. The thing to keep in mind if you’re in this situation, a man should only move if he actually wants to live in the city and the area where his girlfriend or fiancee happens to be. He shouldn’t uproot his life, sell his house, move away from all of his friends and family, and close down his business because his girlfriend that lives in another state says she wants to live there.
I’ve done countless phone sessions over the years with guys that have done that. I’ve spoken to guys where it took them a year and a half to do an internal transfer in the company they worked for, because they worked for a giant corporation. The transfer finally goes through, they sell their house, they pack up all of their stuff, and they get to the country where they’re going. Then, they’re there for a week or two, and the girl breaks up with them, dumps them. They’re working at the same company, but now that he’s there, because that’s what she wanted, then she dumps him. And when I’m talking to these guys, they’re like, “I didn’t really want to live there, but I loved her and I wanted to make her happy.” So he, in essence, submits to what she wants. They didn’t move there because they wanted to live there. They moved there because they were doing it to please the woman.
For those of you who are very familiar with 3% Man and have dealt with extremely feminine women, you know that their opinion and feelings are constantly in flux. And that’s why men are the rock. Men are the mountain, men are the stability, and they don’t get caught up in a woman’s changing moods, or emotions, or feelings any more than they get caught up in the weather.
I am a 28-year old man, from the UK. I have been a longtime follower of your work and have read the book a fair few times.
I would have to say, you probably haven’t read it 10 to 15 times. So, if you’ve been a long time follower, you’re fucking slacking, dude. Come on, man. You can do better.
I had taken on board a lot of the material, the overall philosophy I took from it was to find your self worth and a woman who had a high level of interest in me. I began holding out for the right girl, who showed a good level of interest in me and who I also liked.
On New Years Day, I met this beautiful woman through Tinder. She was from Brazil. She’s 26. She very quickly fell in love with me and I her. Eventually, she broached the topic of wanting my children and how we would get married and live together.
Sounds good so far.
But there was a problem. Her visa was running out. She was only on a student visa and it ran out. We got around this by her going to Ireland to study so she could have a student visa. This is where things have gone sideways. She always promised she would come back to make her life here. She’s been gone a month, and recently she has told me she doesn’t like the UK, and she loves me but prefers Ireland. I think it’s possible she could be swayed.
Well, the reality is, just like it says in the Bible, the woman submits to the man, not the other way around. They open up to receive you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
But I have a good job and mortgage here, as well as all my friends. In the future, I could move to Ireland, but I really need to put some money behind me here first. The only way for her to come back is if we get engaged, (which is something I was going to do at some point), or if she got a working visa.
Any advice? The long distance is clearly hurting the relationship and is not something I could do long term.
So, like I was saying in the beginning, the only way you should be considering moving to Ireland is if you really genuinely are excited to live there, you want to be there and are glad that your future fiancee possibly wants you to move there or wants to stay there as well. But if you have no intention of moving to Ireland, and the thought of that is just not exciting or compelling to you, you’re going to say, “Babe, I love you. I love what we have here. If you really love Ireland and you love Ireland more than me, I’m not going to be moving there. We can do long distance, but I’m not moving to Ireland, and I’m not going to get married and do long distance either.” You have to tell her what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, and what your intentions are. You shouldn’t be considering this just to please her.
In this particular case, this woman, she didn’t have a choice because of the legal issues. But now that she’s moved to Ireland, now she’s like, “Oh, I really like it here. I think I’m going to stay here.” And so, that could be indicative of of her interest dropping. And if you’ve only been dating since the beginning of the year, you don’t really have enough time with this girl yet. You said she’s been there for a month, so if you met her at New Years, I guess you had maybe five months together before she moved away, and now you’re kind of going back and forth.
You’re probably doing Skype video dates or FaceTime video dates once or twice a week, having dinner together or whatever when you can’t be there, and then flying back and forth. But, obviously, that stuff gets very expensive – going back and forth, getting hotels, or you’re staying at her place. But it’s still not cheap to do all of those things.
The other thing to consider, because I know this is a pretty common thing, is that if a woman is really in love with you, yet she takes a job on the other side of the country because it’s a great career opportunity, women are not going to leave the man that they’re head over heels in love with. And for this particular guy, if you really want to stay in the UK, then you’re going to have to be honest with her. You’re going to tell her that you have no intentions of moving to Ireland, and she can either accept that or say eventually she’ll come back.
If she loves you, she won’t care where you live. But if she’s not that into you, and she wants to stay in Ireland, I’d say she’s not that into you. You definitely need to read the book 10 to 15 times. Your response in the beginning of the email didn’t sound like a guy that knew the work backwards and forwards. It sounds like a dude that cherry picked. If you cherry pick, you’ll get some attainable success, but it won’t be sustainable. And that might be why you’re starting to have some issues here.
But also, you’ve got to keep in mind, she could just be at a new place in Ireland. It’s new, and she’s like, “Oh, I really like it here, but I didn’t like the U.K.” I wouldn’t worry about that too much. The only thing that really matters is how a woman feels about you. Because if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’ll do whatever it takes to make sure she can be stuck on you like a suckerfish. She’s not going to want to live in Ireland. And if you’re a guy that doesn’t have a situation like this – like, say you’re dating your girl for a couple of years, and then she decides to move a long distance away, 2 or 3 hours away, or maybe on the other side of the country – women don’t move away from men they’re in love with and are thinking about having a life with.
Now, this particular woman, she moved away because she didn’t have a choice, because of the visa situation. And they didn’t date long enough to know whether or not she’s a good candidate for marriage. And so, this situation now, that you’re kind of long distance, you’ll see how committed she really is to you and you to her. But you’re going to have to maintain what I talk about in “3% Man” if you want to keep her attracted, and in love, and submissive to you. And if she has fallen out of love with you or is losing interest, that’s when she’ll be like, “Well, I kind of like it in Ireland.” So, I wouldn’t get wrapped up in that. I wouldn’t move there unless you actually wanted to live in Ireland. And from what you said in your email, it doesn’t sound like you really want to.
Every single phone session I’ve done with guys that have been in this situation, they actually sold their houses, some of them sold businesses, there were millions of dollars at stake in these transactions. And then these guys move countries to go be with the girl that supposedly loves them, because that’s where the girl wanted to be, and then when they finally get there, a week or two later she dumps his ass and feels no remorse. And that’s a bad situation.
As a man, you should only move if it’s where you really want to be. And if you don’t, even if the woman says, “Well, then we can’t be together. I’m going to break it off,” then you just say, “Well, sorry you feel that way. It’s not what I want. But if you don’t want to make the effort, it takes two to tango. And if you don’t want to tango anymore, then I guess you’ll just have to go find another partner to tango with. I know it’s going to be pretty hard to have that kind of standard, because I’m an awesome dude, but if that’s what you want, I want you to be happy and I’m going to be happy. But I’m not moving there. And if you change your mind, get in touch and come see me.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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