My Girlfriend Said She Couldn’t Handle A Relationship Right Now & Dumped Me

How to know if a relationship can be salvaged with a woman who has mental health issues.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 25 year old viewer who has been following me for 10 years. He says his game was tight and he did everything right up until recently when he got upset when she told him she couldn’t continue due to her mental health issues. A few weeks later she dumped him saying she had to work on herself and just couldn’t be in a relationship right now due to how she feels about herself and life. He doesn’t know what to do and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “My Girlfriend Said She Couldn’t Handle A Relationship Right Now & Dumped Me.”

Well, this particular email, this guy is 35 years old. He’s been following me for about ten years, and he said his game was really tight with this girl that he’s been seeing, but he admits that pretty much from the time they started dating, I guess they dated for about six months, is that she was having severe anxiety and mental health issues.

And you probably heard me say this many, many, many, many times over the years, 3% Man is designed, it works great with women that are normal, that are healthy and have their stuff together. If the girl is a lunatic, a Froot Loop, or a wacko, it’s going to typically bounce them out of your life.

And so, that’s one of the things that’s pretty obvious when I go through the email here, is that this guy is ignoring the fact that his girlfriend is openly talking about her mental health issues and telling him about it, but he’s kind of being a White Knight and thinking, “I can work with this, I’m going to fix her. I’m going to save her. I’m going to help her.” So typically when you see that a good thing to read up on would be codependency. There’s a ton of information on YouTube or Google about that you can look up.

But typically people that grow up where they got a family member, it’s got drug alcohol addiction problems, mental health issues, and they’re used to making excuses for that other person or being their caretaker or trying to take care of them. When they come across a girl like this and their adult life, their relationship life, they kind of go into that same mode, “oh, I got to fix her. I got to save her. I got to, I got to help her.” And he did make some mistakes towards the end there.

But really the core issue is that she’s got some mental health issues that she was pretty up front about and told him, but he proceeded anyways. And so it’s a good email to learn, because one of the interesting things one of my friends who’s a doctor was telling me a couple of years ago and one of his medical journals is that one out of every three women that’s over the age of 33 is on some kind of psychotropic medication.

And so just sheer numbers, when you’re looking at it, you got about a 30, 33% chance of dating a woman that’s got some kind of mental health issue or is on some kind of medication for it. And therefore their behavior can be loopy and unpredictable and not make sense. And trying to date somebody like that can be nearly impossible, which you’re going to see was a really bumpy ride for this guy.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

First time I seek your help directly, but your work has been a major part of my life. I first came across your work when I was only 15 (25 now) and I’ve probably come back to your book at least once a year, so it’s fair to say your philosophy has entirely shaped my whole relationship life and I’m very glad, I have found great success with it, so first of all, thank you.

Well, thanks for being a good student.

I feel like I’ve dated plenty of women for my age and had some long lasting relationships (living together included). I’ve hardly been rejected and never been dumped, well not up until now. I consider my game to be tight and like I said I really do think that the reason I’ve had this success rate is because of implementing what you preach.

Well, a big part of where guys get themselves into trouble is, and all of us do this, men and women both do it, is we project our fantasy onto the person that we want, or that we desire, or that we’re dating or involved with. And when our emotions are engaged, it will cause us to completely ignore reality and make excuses for that person’s behavior. So having gone through this email already, there’s definitely some of that going on here with this particular emailer because he knew she was messed up. She told him she was messed up. And what did Maya Angelou say? “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

But right now, I’ve found myself in a new situation, a situation I’ve never been in. Long story short, I’ve been dating this 10/10 girl for the last 6 months and she just dumped me a few days ago, I can honestly say I didn’t see it coming, like in all of my past relationships I’ve been paying a lot of attention to her attraction levels, always trying to stay centered and never over pursue. All was going good. She was all over me, doing 100% of the calling, telling me how much she loved me and how I was literally “her dream”.

Well, you got to remember when women say things like that, it only applies in the moment. If she was saying that six months ago, but she hasn’t said it in the last five months, well, that means that she’s not feeling it anymore. That’s one of the mistakes a lot of guys make is they look at what she said at first, or many months ago or years ago, and they assume it’s still applies today.

So when they say those things, it’s like a weather report. It’s only good for about 24 hours. And then there’s a new a new day, a new weather report. That’s why you got to look at her actions and how she’s showing up today and live in the present moment.

I must say that from the very beginning, she told me she was struggling with her mental health (depression and anxiety).

So that’s not like something you just sweep under the rug and go, “oh, I can work with that. Not a big deal. I’ll be your therapist. I’ll be your emotional tampon. I’ll fix you. I got this cool blue book with this shaved head dude on it. It’ll solve all my problems.” And yours. Again, The Book is based on dating a healthy woman, and right off the bat she tells you she’s got mental health, depression, and anxiety. So that should be a red flag. If you’re looking to have a relationship, you want somebody that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating you.

I noticed this red flag but decided to carry on regardless (probably a bad idea).

Ya think? You can’t just ignore things like that and pretend that everything is wonderful.

A few months go by and everything in the relationship is smooth and advancing really quickly, but her personal life was a mess. She would tell me how she couldn’t find meaning in life.

Yeah, it’s like she’s definitely got some issues and probably should be in therapy when she’s got issues like that. But from a self-help perspective, what really gives our lives meaning is having some kind of purpose, some kind of purpose for living. Some kind of meaningful life’s work that we’re seeking to accomplish. It could be something as simple as just being a dad or being a mom. That could be your purpose or building your business or building your life. And two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another.

And this woman is telling you right up front, she’s having a hard time, even, in essence, finding a reason to live or what’s the point of it all. And so again, that’s not something you just ignore and go, “oh, it’ll be fine.” That’s why one of the reasons why you’re emailing me, people don’t email me when things are going great unless they’re sharing a success story or they just want me to, you know, want my feedback on what’s going on because they want to keep things going. Well, the overwhelming majority of people are coming to me when things are not working or not going well.

She also struggled a lot with self esteem issues. Many days were quite rough, I would pick her up and she would be crying, but I never let her mood affect mine and I would always manage to turn her mood around and have great dates.

Again, that’s like a major red flag there. That’s not something that you just brush under the rug and you’re like, “oh, it’ll be fine”, because it’s not, because here I am reading your email. And when you’re dating somebody like that, I would not be getting so close to them. You should be encouraging them to get therapy. You may even say, “you know what? Maybe it’s best that you don’t date anybody for now. Maybe you go get yourself a good therapist and work on yourself and your self-esteem and get to a happy place.”

Because the idea is that you want to get to a happy place and then start dating somebody instead of, “oh, I’ll be happy once I find the right person for me.” Because it’s a lot harder if you’re unhappy, whether it’s you or her, and then you get into a relationship hoping that other person is going to be the source of your happiness. Because what happens is once the honeymoon period wears off, which is typically 6 to 12 months, in most cases, they’re faced with the fact that, “you know what, this other person can’t make me happy.”

And that’s what you’re doing here. You’re trying to make her happy. Whereas if you’re dating a normal, healthy, happy woman, this would have been a non-issue. You guys would have gone out and just had a great time together. But the fact that you’re dating a woman who’s not in a happy place, typically what’s going to happen is once the infatuation wears off and the honeymoon period is over, she’s still dealing with the fact that, as she said, “she can’t find meaning in life and she’s not happy.”

It’s not your job to fix her or save her or to make her happy. She should come into your life already being a happy, whole, complete person that you can each share your completeness with one another. So right off the bat, where she’s at and where you’re at, that should have been a major red flag for you to not get too involved with her, but you were probably hypnotized by her beauty and her sex appeal, and you projected your fantasy onto her.

And you just ignored all of these red signs that she’s got severe mental health and anxiety issues going on. I mean, somebody that’s basically telling you they can’t find any meaning in life, they’re already saying that they’re not happy.

She would always tell me how I was her safe place and how grateful she was that I was there to support her. Even though she often had these meltdowns, she was always open to me, never argued and was extremely loving and caring. As the months went by she would even say how she was feeling better about everything and that my support and strength was helping her through this (her words).

Again. You’re trying to be her therapist and you’re trying to fix her and save her.

Anyways, shit hit the fan last week when out of the blue she tells me that she is unsure whether to continue with the relationship as she thinks she is starting to become dependent on me and starting to lose herself.

Well, typically when a woman says she felt like she’s losing herself is usually because she feels like she’s walking on eggshells because she doesn’t want to do or say something that’s going to upset you or piss you off. And so she ends up losing herself because she’s not acting like who she really is. She’s putting on an act. She’s wearing a mask in order to please you, to keep you from getting upset, which is tiring because eventually you get sick and tired of putting on the mask.

And so typically in normal circumstances, when a woman says she feels like she’s losing herself, that’s why. And it’s usually because the guy is controlling or he’s mad, or he’s emotional and she never knows which version of him is going to show up.

My answer to this was that if there was any change that needed to be made to the relationship (more space, seeing each other less.) we could make it work but I called her out on her putting the relationship up in the air and that it was something I wouldn’t tolerate.

Well, getting angry in this moment is not an appropriate thing to do. My attitude would have been like, “well, why do you say that? Why do you feel that way? You don’t want to become dependent on me. You’re losing yourself. What does that mean? Why do you say that? What makes you feel that way?” You got to ask super high quality questions when you hear things like that. You shouldn’t be getting angry and upset at her.

She then decided to ignore me for a few days (which made me lose my center for the first time) and I sent more messages than I should.

Remember, in the beginning of the email, he was saying how his game is perfect and tight, and yet it’s not in this moment.

Telling her that I couldn’t believe she was behaving this way, I know I shouldn’t have but I felt disrespected.

Again, because what’s really going on here is you’re afraid of losing her, and you’re getting mad and angry because deep down, you’re afraid. You’re afraid you’re not going to get love. And so you tend to be a little controlling. That’s why I said, is that in the beginning of the email, you’re like, everything’s great.

I’ve followed your book to a T, but then here later on in the email, you’re doing things that are incredibly unattractive. And so what she does is she backs away and ignores you for a couple of days because you pretty much lost your shit with her.

After a few days she came to my place to talk, apologized about her behavior.

Which her behavior was definitely out of line, but you could have handled it better by asking better quality questions instead of getting mad and upset and focusing on yourself.

But told me that she’s realized she is not okay and needs to “work on herself” alone, that she isn’t the woman she wants to be and cant handle a relationship.

So from the time you started dating her, she’s like, I got mental health issues, I got severe anxiety. And what you should have done was just encourage her to get some professional help with that. And you’re happy to date. But especially if she wanted to be exclusive at some point, I would have been more reluctant to get exclusive with her because I would have said, hey, you’re seeing a therapist. You’ve been telling me since we met how you’re messed up and you can’t handle it. You’re depressed. You’re having a hard time finding meaning in life.

I really enjoy hanging out with you, but you got to get to a happy place. And so I don’t want to be the reason why you get to a happy place. I want you to already be at a happy place. But I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and see how things go. But I’m not going to commit to you right now until you get to a happy place, until you resolve whatever inner demons or childhood trauma, whatever it is that you and your therapist are working on.

Somehow we then spend the next 5 days together trying to figure things out,

Again. You’re still trying to fix her. This is not your job. This is something for a therapist to do.

Had sex 3 or 4 times a day and she would even cry while having sex saying how she didn’t want it to end.

That’s just not normal behavior. This is a woman that’s got severe problems and issues. And again, you’re making excuses for it and trying to be her therapist. It’s not appropriate. It’s not your role.

I told her I wanted to be there for her while she looked for help, but even though she couldn’t stop telling me how much she loved me, she kept saying that she couldn’t handle a relationship in her current state.

That should be all. That’s like, check, please. You can’t make a relationship work if the other person is going, oh, I’m a mess. I’m not a good relationship partner. You should believe them when they tell you that, and then move on to find somebody that’s got their shit together.

After 5 days i finally take her home, she tells me she’s in love with me and she loves me, kisses me passionately and leaves crying.

Again. This is just not normal behavior.

I am respecting her decision and haven’t contacted her since ( its been a few days).

I wouldn’t have contacted her at all. I’d be taking a step back and looking at this and saying to myself that there’s no way you should ever give her a chance again until she’s fixed herself, until she’s in a happy place. Even if she reaches out in a few weeks, I would tell her that it’s like after everything has happened over the last six months, I tried to be there for you. And instead of being ride or die with me, you dipped on out.

And so there’s the only way I would date you again is once you’re done with therapy, once you get to a happy place and that’s what you need to do. So it’s better that we don’t talk and you go work and fix yourself. And when you feel you’re ready to enter the dating world again, give me a call. And if I’m still single and available, we could go out and have a date. And that’s all I can promise.

But it’s, after everything that’s happened and the way you behaved at the end here, it’s clear you need some professional help. And so I want you to go work on yourself and fix yourself. And then once you get to a happy place, then get in touch. And like I said, if I’m still available, then we can go out on a date. And that’s all I can promise at this point.

This has puzzled me I’m not going to lie, if she was in love with me, she wouldn’t throw away the relationship right?

Well, again, if she’s got severe mental health issues, The Book is all based on the premise that you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, and you’re clearly not. She told you that from the very beginning. And again, that’s not something you can ignore. I say these things for a reason in my videos. I’ve been saying it pretty much since I started doing this 20 years ago. But you guys think, ah, I’ll show Corey.

Can’t help thinking this is some sort of excuse or something I’ve missed but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Again. She’s got mental health issues that she was very upfront and honest about. And I mean, having sex and a girl is melting down in the middle of having sex. That’s not normal behavior. That’s not normal at all.

I know better than to contact someone that has dumped me, but should I wait for her?

Absolutely not. Because maybe it takes two years. Maybe it takes ten years. Maybe she never gets her shit together. But you have to look and see how people are today in the present moment. And based on her behavior over the last six months and how she was when the last time you were together, that is abnormal behavior. It’s best for you to move on and find a woman who actually has her shit together, and so you can date a true teammate and an equal, not a broken woman, because she’s broken.

Do you think she’ll come back? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much Coach, appreciate you!

Bob

Maybe in a few weeks she gets lonely. But if it was me because of her, mental health issues, I wouldn’t get involved with her until she’s in a good place. Because she’s clearly not. It could take six months or a year. It’s like I would not wait around for her. Because you’re young, you got all this experience. You know The Book backwards and forwards. And I would say next time around, when a woman tells you up front that she’s got severe anxiety and mental health issues, she can be one of the girls you’re dating and hooking up with.

But you should make it clear to her that I like you and I like having fun, you know, especially if the the commitment issue comes up and she brings that up, it’s like, I wouldn’t commit to a woman that’s got severe mental health issues because again, you want a team mate and an equal. You want somebody that can take care of themselves, that can pay their car payment on time, that can work and earn a living and pay their rent on time and take care of themselves and their bodies. And she’s just not doing that.

And, you know, so where you went wrong again, losing your shit in the end I would have handled it differently. But, you know, based on her behavior the whole six months, it’s like you did the best you could, man. There’s really you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. And it’s not your job to fix or to save somebody. You’re looking for a teammate and an equal and normal, happy, healthy woman. And she’s just not that. So she’s not really a candidate. You should have never agreed to be exclusive with her unless she got professional help and actually became a better human being.

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