My Girlfriend Said She Worries She Is Settling By Staying With Me

Some things to consider if your girlfriend worries that by staying with you she’s settling.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video titled, “Why Women Think Men Who Show Their Emotions Are Weak & Unattractive.” He lives with his parents and is still trying to figure out his mission and purpose in life. He’s going to school to become a construction engineer, but isn’t excited about it. He’s also trying to re-attract his ex girlfriend who dumped him. She is clear and certain on her career path unlike him and worries that she is settling by staying with him.

She worries he won’t be a good provider. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, it’s never a good sign if your girlfriend thinks she’s settling by being with you. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. This particular email is from a viewer whose previous email answer, I guess about eight or nine months ago, in a video titled, “Why Women Think Men Who Show Their Emotions Are Weak & Unattractive.”

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach!

This is a follow-up email to this video: “Why Women Think Men Who Show Their Emotions Are Weak & Unattractive.”

I discussed my problems with my insecurities and being weak emotionally, which eventually drove my girlfriend away. I have read 3% Man eight times now and continue to read it once a month to get the most out of it.

Well, that’s a good start. I believe their relationship was on the rocks at some point when we last spoke, but I guess they’ve kind of gotten back together, but you could tell she’s just not that into it.

I wanted to share my current relationship situation with you and seek your advice. I recently went through the process of re-attracting my girlfriend, and while things are mostly going well, I find myself having doubts about whether we should stay together.
My girlfriend is loving and brings me joy most days, but she recently expressed concerns about my ambition and drive. I’m currently focused on studying and personal development, trying to figure out what I like and dislike, exploring new hobbies, getting my driving license, and understanding myself better.

So I look at that, I don’t know what happened, but when I was growing up, getting a driver’s license, getting a car so we could be independent, we were doing that by 16. Now this guy, he’s in college and he still doesn’t have a driver’s license, and his girlfriend kind of has a career and I assume she probably drives. I was like, “How do you date if you don’t even have a driver’s license?” Unless you like, live in New York and you’re always taking the train, the bus, a taxi or an Uber somewhere, but that’s just crazy.

Women are attracted to competent, confident men, and when you are in your 20s and you can’t even drive? It’s like, “Hello? You got to do better, man.” Especially as a woman starts to get older and she thinks about these things because, as he says, you’ll see later in the email, she knows what she wants to do. She’s very driven and motivated, and he’s still kind of up in the air, and he doesn’t drive on top of that. Any normal woman looking at that is like, “Dude is in his 20s and he doesn’t even know how to drive a car and he doesn’t even have a driver’s license yet? That guy is like, developmentally challenged.” That’s a dude that’s not even going to mature and grow up until he’s in his 30s or early 40s. The idea is you’re supposed to be more masculine than your girlfriend, and if your girlfriend has more drive and ambition than you do, that’s not good.

I haven’t prioritized job searching because I’m living with my parents, who are supportive while I’m in this phase of self-discovery and studying.

Bro, you should have some kind of part time job. I mean, I started working when I was in middle school, and even before that, when I was in elementary school, I had a paper route. Like, what do you do for money? How do you pay your bills, does mommy and daddy give you an allowance? That tells me your parents kind of spoiled you a little bit because again, you should not be in your early 20s and never had a job yet.

I am a third year university student to become a construction engineer and I do not have a burning desire to continue this, but after weighing my options multiple times I have found that this is the subject which I am most interested in and would like to proceed with in the future. She, on the other hand, is certain about her career choices and is excited deeply about what she does.

Yeah, so just from that alone, she’s more ambitious, more determined and is taking more action than he is, so she’s like the man in the relationship. He’s going to have a consistent problem keeping her attracted because she acts like a man and he acts like a little boy who’s spoiled by mommy and daddy. I mean, at some point you got to grow up dude, and you should not be in your early 20s and still have not even have a driver’s license. That’s kind of absurd. So you need to pull your head out of your ass, grow up and start taking your life seriously, because when you’re in your 20s and as soon as you graduate, you should be getting experience. I graduated when I was 25. I was on the seven year plan, and I’m not a doctor, but I took semesters off because when I was 22 years old, I got a job in the industry. I started as an estimator, I started out as an unpaid intern, and then I quickly proved myself and I got a good job. They offered me a position. Once I proved myself, I worked for free for like 30 days.

She mentioned that she feels waves of anxiety and pressure, worrying that she might be settling by staying with me, having doubts if I will live up to being the caretaker and provider.

Yeah, you have yet to grow up. I mean, you act like you’re in middle school still. I’m sorry dude, I know that’s harsh, but being the age you are having no job, no work experience, you can’t even drive a car? It’s like, how are you going to drive yourself to and from work? Any woman that you’re dating would feel concerned.

However, she also told me that our love is very strong, which is why she hasn’t left me despite these concerns.

I feel torn because, on one hand, I truly care about her and value our relationship. On the other hand, I’m worried that her feelings might become a bigger issue in the future, especially if she continues to see me as lacking ambition and I really don’t care to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep me.

Well, you got to participate in your own rescue and your girlfriend is being patient, but how many years does she have to wait for you to grow up and get your life together, when you’re like, fucking 90? It’s like, come on, dude. You’re in your early 20s and you’re like, developmentally challenged. You should have some kind of part time work or something going on, something to earn some money. I mean, how can you even afford to take her out on a date? Unless you got rich parents and they just give you money so you don’t really have to work. Maybe you’re a trust fund baby, I don’t know, but even people that I know that their kids are trust fund babies and they can fart through silk the rest of their life, they still went off to school, they still worked and they’re not given all the keys to the kingdom until they prove that they’re responsible with it.

I’m committed to my personal growth journey and believe that I will eventually find my path and my purpose, but I also want to be realistic about our relationship and whether it is serving us both in a positive way.

Well quite frankly, your girlfriend is doing you a favor by sticking around because you are really slacking off and you’re not pulling your weight. I’m surprised that she’s sticking with you. You’re obviously doing enough things, at least for now, to keep her attracted, but you know, she already dumped you once. The fact that she’s expressing doubts, she feels like she’s settling, the only reason she feels like she’s settling is because she’s more masculine than you are, she’s got more ambition and drive than you do, and your attitude is, “Well, I’ll start working once I figure out my purpose in life.”

You got to work and do something. Go take a job, a part time job doing something. Go work in the industry. Go work in the construction industry as a baby during the summer, as an unpaid intern or something like that to get some experience, because from her perspective, it looks like you’re just content to coast and go through school and have your parents pay all your bills, even though now you’re in your 20s. If you’re a third year student, that tells me you’re 21 years old. So if you’re 21 years old, you still can’t drive, you still live at home with mom and dad and they’re still paying all your bills? You’re still a child. You still act like a child. Women want you to be more masculine than them, and you’re clearly not. So you got to step up your game, homie.

Could you offer some guidance on how to approach this situation?

Well first off, I would highly encourage you to read Mastering Yourself, so you can learn all about purpose, drive, mission, how to align your life with your true calling and reach your full potential because you’re behind the eight ball, dude. By the time I was your age, I already had a lot of experience. I was already working in the construction industry, I had my own apartment, I had a new car that I had bought when I was 21, a nice pickup truck that was all decked out with custom rims, had a nice bed liner, tonneau cover, had a push bar, brush bar in the front, I had step bars on the side. It was a badass truck. Tinted windows, kick ass stereo system. I put thousands of dollars into this thing in addition to buying it and financing it, because I had good credit and I had credit cards that I paid on time and paid off every month. I had thousands of dollars in the bank, and this was money that I earned. It was not stuff that my parents gave me, so I had a lot of years working.

Like I said, I started working when I was in middle school. I was working for my parents. Then in high school, senior year, I started working at Service Merchandise. When I was in elementary school, I had a paper route for many years. Then when my parents got their business, I worked in that business until I was, let’s see, a sophomore in high school, when they eventually sold it. So by the time I was your age, I had a lot of years of experience working in the real world. I had a lot of self-confidence. I could pretty much walk into any company that I wanted to and talk myself into a job, and you haven’t even begun working yet. At some point, you got to grow up. It’s not normal for a dude to be your age and still living at home and completely dependent on mom and dad to pay all your bills. So your parents are kind of enabling your behavior. They’re kind of stunting your growth.

How do I balance my personal growth with maintaining a healthy relationship? Should I be concerned about her anxiety and doubts, and how do I address them without compromising my own journey?

I appreciate any advice or insights you could share.

Thank you for your time and help.

Best regards,

Bob

Well, you don’t look like a competent man, and you don’t look like you have any intentions on pulling your head out of your ass anytime soon. So she’s already dumped you once. I would say if you don’t change, if you don’t get your ass in gear and start taking your own life and your own success seriously, she’s probably going to dump you probably sooner rather than later. Go get a job, go get a part time job, go do something to earn some money, go get your driver’s license. Figure that shit out, dude. I can’t believe you’re 21 years old and you still don’t know how to drive a car. That’s ridiculous. I mean, how emasculating. What, does your girlfriend pick you up for dates? Come on, man, that’s a bad way to go, dude.

You could turn your life around in six months. What women want to see is that you have goals, you have ambition and you’re taking action. From her perspective, the problem is you’re not doing anything. You’re just content to live off of your parents’ dime and be treated like a child still. So it’s understandable, she’s very mature for her age and knows what she wants and is going after it, and you still look like you’re a kid in in middle school that has yet to decide to grow up and take some personal responsibility for his own life. So get it together, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.