My Girlfriend Takes Everything Personally & Assumes The Worst

What it means if your girlfriend takes everything personally & always assumes the worst outcomes.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says his girlfriend recently seems to take everything he says personally, gets butt-hurt easily and always assumes the worst outcomes. He says she misinterprets things he says and gets upset and defensive and even more indignant. It’s obviously tiring and he wonders what’s going on.

It’s possible she may be trying to pick fights on purpose to cause a breakup. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, I don’t know how long this guy’s been following me, I don’t know how long he’s been with his girlfriend, if it’s somebody he just became exclusive with after a few months of dating, or this is somebody he’s been with for quite some time, one of the ways that women go about dumping you or breaking up with you is they pick fights when they’re unhappy, they pick fights usually over like small, innocuous things and it causes a blow up. Then they say, “Ah, I want to break up,” “I don’t want to see you anymore,” “I don’t think we should stay together,” or “I think we should see other people.”

So if they’ve been together for quite a while and this is a new thing, then that’s what it looks like she’s doing, she’s picking fights to cause a breakup, but if they just started dating and they’ve only be dating a few months, they just became exclusive in the last few weeks and she’s behaving the way she’s behaving when she gets butt-hurt easily, she assumes the worst outcomes, she assumes he doesn’t care, she takes everything personally, she gets butt-hurt over it. Then he tries to explain himself, she gets defensive, digs her heels in and becomes more indignant about it, which again, if this is somebody he just became exclusive with after only a few months of dating, that’s a major red flag. Tells me this girl is super insecure.

Again, if they’ve been together for a year or two and she’s all of a sudden behaving this way, it looks like she’s picking fights because she’s unhappy, she’s lost attraction, she’s lost respect and she’s trying to pick fights in hopes that she makes him so miserable that he dumps her, cleans up his act or his bad behavior. So again, I’m not really sure how long they’ve been together, if this is a new thing or it’s a girl he just got serious with, because that would that would determine which way to go. That’s why I wanted to give both scenarios.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey,

I have been studying your ideas on masculine energy and how to communicate clearly with masculine energy, and I’m hoping to hear your thoughts on a situation that has been testing my patience and clarity.

Got to read the book. Stop fucking cherry-picking videos dude. It does not work. If you’re trying to fix your relationship, it’s going to be really hard to do if you’re just trying to find the right video and the right line to fix everything. You gotta understand what your behavior is doing that has such a negative effect on your girlfriend, but again, if you’ve only been dating her for a few months and she’s behaving this way, it’s possible that she’s a nut. Right, she’s a nut. We don’t date nuts, do we? No crazy girls! Crazy girls are difficult. You don’t want to date the crazy girls.

Recently, my girlfriend has started interpreting my comments, as if I am saying something different from what I am intending. I will make a neutral comment, and she will read it as me criticizing her or being passive-aggressive. For instance, I commented once that I was tired after spending time with her family, and I just wanted to be honest and share that information. She took it to mean I did not enjoy spending time with her family. I did not mean that at all.

So the other thing is, somebody who has a low self-esteem, low self-worth, where does that come from? Why do they behave that way? Well, it’s typically because they didn’t get enough hugs and “I love you’s” from mom and dad. In other words, they didn’t fill their child’s bucket of self-esteem full enough to the point where the world could not poke enough holes in it to still drain it dry. So if somebody continuously takes things as a personal rejection and they’re insecure, it’s like man, that’s very tiring. So if that’s the case, then you’re going to have to set and enforce healthy boundaries.

Again, if it’s a brand new relationship, they’ve only been dating it for a few months and just got exclusive and she’s behaving this way, that tells me that is her go-to strategy. So anytime something happens, she assumes the worst. She assumes he’s insulting her, she assumes he’s belittling her, she assumes he doesn’t care about her, so she comes from that perspective. Again, that’s what happens when you don’t get enough hugs and “I love you’s” from mom and dad, especially dad, when it’s a woman. So again, she assumes the worst. That’s why you get to tell her, “It’s like every time I say something to you, you assume ill intent. I don’t have ill intent towards you, and this shit needs to stop. You act incredibly insecure, incredibly unloving, and I don’t appreciate it. I try to explain myself, and it’s like you don’t even want to hear my explanation. You assume the worst. You assume that my explanation is bullshit and we just can’t have that. Our relationship is not going to work if this is how you’re going to constantly behave.”

So if you guys are wondering where the other puppies are, they’re all in the shower together because all three of them got fucking diarrhea last night, and I was like up until like two in the morning cleaning up diarrhea. We got fake grass with a tray so they can poop and piss in it. It’s like when you have diarrhea, you gotta take it to the shower and clean it off. It’s a whole fucking mess.

So I got multiple carpets that I clean and dry, and I go back out there after just cleaning one and there’s more diarrhea to clean up. On top of that, they’re stepping in it and they’re getting it on themselves. So I put them in the shower and I put a pee pad in there. Well, they shredded the pee pad. So all these black furry dogs are covered in like white bits of cotton and blue stuff from the pee pads. Guys that got dogs and use the pee pads, you know what I’m talking about. They’re all over it. On top of that, one of them barfed and they were all licking it up, and now it’s all dried in their hair and they’re a fucking mess. So I can hear them and their whining. So after lunch today, that’s going to be my work. Lots of fun. Good times. Fun times. With four and a half month old puppies that piss and shit and they get a little sick or whatever. Good times. Don’t you wish you were me today?

It is like she is reading between the lines in such a way that she misses the real message.

Again, if you’ve been together for a long time and this is a new thing, she’s trying to cause a breakup. In other words, she’s trying to make you so mad, so miserable, so irritated, so sick of her bullshit, that you just break up with her. That’s usually a woman’s first approach, is to try to make you miserable so you dump her. If that doesn’t work, then they’ll dump you.

I try to clarify, and it appears the more I state the truth, the more defensive and indignant she gets.

Again, when she gets that way, you just say, “Look, I’m telling you the way it is, and you’re basically calling me a liar. That’s unloving, that’s abusive and you need to fucking knock it off. So you got to be nice to me, and I got to be able to explain myself and you accept it, instead of assuming the worst or I got some underhanded reason why I’m doing what I’m doing. You’re purposely misinterpreting things and getting butt-hurt over nothing. You’re turning a mountain into a molehill.”

Again, that’s what women tend to do. You know, maybe she was upset over something recently that he was fucking up on, I don’t know, because more than likely, it just seems like he just came across my work and he’s just watching videos trying to find the right line or the right pickup to solve this problem. So he’s probably got communication issues. He’s probably not dating and courting her properly. It looks like she’s just really pissed off at him and she comes from the perspective of, “He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care about me.”

So again, that’s why I tell everybody, you got to read the book 10 to 15 times. You got to learn this stuff. You’re trying to fix your relationship and you’re half-assing it just trying to cherry pick videos, even though I constantly say it doesn’t work, but you’re doing it anyways because again, most people are lazy. The average person tends to major and minor things. There are no shortcuts to success. If you don’t figure out what you’re doing and saying that’s turning her off, again that’s assuming you’ve been together for a long period of time and this is something new. If it’s just a brand new relationship and she’s behaving this way, that tells me she’s fallen in love, she really cares about you and she’s having a hard time dealing with it. She can’t deal with her feelings and emotions because again, mommy and daddy didn’t give her enough hugs and “I love you’s.” So she always assumes the worst. She always assumes she’s not going to get the love, attention and validation that she wants, because her parents never gave it to her.

So this is the type of thing where you’re going to have to set the boundary. You’re like, “Look, you’re assuming the worst all the time. You’re assuming I do these things because I’m trying to hurt you, and that’s not the case, and I don’t appreciate you presupposing that.” It’s like she presupposes the worst and she needs to fucking stop.

I feel like I want to remain calm and inside my masculine frame, but it’s hard when I feel like I am constantly justifying myself or am in an eggshell zone.

How do I remain centered and communicate clearly without falling prey to emotional reactivity or living in a state of constant damage control?

Well, this is part of setting healthy boundaries because her behavior is unloving, it’s abusive and quite frankly, it’s fucking absurd. This is the kind of behavior that just causes any man to be like, “I don’t want to deal with this.” You want a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, who communicates like an adult. She’s not doing either of those. If she doesn’t fix that, your relationship ain’t going to work. You can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them, and you try to explain your perspective and she doesn’t want to hear it. Again, she assumes the worst.

Is it realistic to address this pattern without losing my stand, or is this a red flag I need to be more aware of? 

Well again, if you just started dating her and you just became exclusive, it looks like she’s incredibly insecure and it might mean that she’s just too fucked up in order for you to be able to have a relationship that’s easygoing, easy to get along with. A girl whose father did a good job would not be behaving this way. A woman who’s been with you for a long period of time and is now all of a sudden behaving this way, looks like she’s picking fights to make you miserable so you dump her because she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

Again, read the book and get clarity on what’s going on, because there will be a lot of light bulbs that’ll go off once you read the book. Again, you got to participate in your own rescue. You can’t be a fucking lazy ass and think you’re just going to watch one or two videos and that’s going to fix your problem.

This seems to have become an issue since she started Taekwondo as well. I’m a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu guy, and when we talk about sparring with each other, she gets offended and thinks I’m saying Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is better than Taekwondo, which wasn’t what I was trying to say at all.

Again, it just looks like she’s really insecure and this is a new relationship. It might be fucked. You might not be able to have a relationship with somebody like this.

She apologized and admitted she might be “too sensitive…”

Well, there you go.

…But I don’t want us to keep having these issues. She is very competitive in her sports, but I’m not. Again, this wasn’t an issue before.

This also tends to happen when we video call, which I know we should do less in between dates, LOL.

Thanks again for your down-to-earth wisdom. I appreciate your perspective. 

Help Wanted,

Bob

Well, quit the fucking cherry-picking. Take reading the book seriously instead of half-assing it and think that you know the right video is going to solve your problem. You got to understand the philosophy. These video newsletters are based on the assumption that you know the basic principles that are in the book, which you clearly don’t. So you got to put some time in with the book and figure out what’s going wrong, because if you don’t clean up all this behavior, this shit’s not going to stop.

So the main thing again, if this is a new relationship, you’re going to have to set and enforce healthy boundaries. If this is a long-term relationship and she’s never behaved this way before, you’re going to say, “What’s going on? Why are you acting this way? Every time I say something, you don’t believe me. You think I’m full of shit. This is not healthy, this is not a good dynamic, because every time we get together, you’re upset about something.” Like I said, if I was a betting man, I would say this is a brand new relationship and they’ve only been together for a short period of time, because here she is admitting that she might be too sensitive. So that tells me her dad did a shitty job and she’s incredibly insecure. If that’s the case, he might also say, “You know what? These are your issues, and because you’re insecure and you assume the worst, you’re abusing me and that’s not OK. So you need to go get a good therapist and fix yourself, because if this doesn’t stop, we’re not going to work. I want a woman that brings peace, ease and delight into my life, and every time I say something, it’s like I’m walking on eggshells because I could say the most innocuous thing, I’d be talking about a bottle of ketchup and you’ll find a reason to get upset about it. That’s not going to work. This has got to stop. If you got insecurity issues that you need to deal with, you got childhood trauma or whatever, you need to find yourself a good therapist and deal with it because I’m not your teammate, your partner and your lover. I will support you in this. As Jim Rohn said, ‘I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,’ and what you’re doing right now is you’re not taking care of you for me. You’re making me deal with all of your issues and your childhood trauma, and it’s just not fun. It’s not loving, it’s abusive, it’s not kind, and it needs to stop. If you want to keep me as your boyfriend, this has got to stop immediately.”

So you’re going to have to have an unpleasant heart-to-heart talk and tell her what needs to change, and she’ll either do it or she won’t. If she won’t do it, well you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. If her parents fucked her up and this is just the way she normally is, again she said she’s too sensitive. So from that, I would say if I was a betting man and I’m in Las Vegas, I’d say probably it’s a brand new relationship and the girl’s probably kind of fucked. She might be a little nutty, a little crazy. You can try to set the healthy boundaries. Maybe she respects them, but she might not. It sounds like she needs some professional help to help her with her issues, so she doesn’t continually take them out on you. You want a woman that makes your dick hard, not your life hard, and she’s being incredibly difficult to be with. I don’t know why you’d want to put up with that. I certainly don’t.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.