My Girlfriend Wants My Phone Passcode

Things to consider when your girl wants access to your phone.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s been with his girlfriend for about nine months. She wants his phone pass-code, but he won’t give it to her. She gets upset and doesn’t fully trust him. Sometimes he really likes her and other times he wonders if the grass is greener on the other side.

He also wonders if he failed to vet her properly and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer. He’s been with his girlfriend for about nine months. She wants his phone pass-code, but he will not give it to her. He says, “That’s my boundary.” So she gets upset, it’s clear she doesn’t fully trust him. He also has doubts about the relationship. Sometimes he really likes her and thinks she’s great, and other times he’s like, “Eh, is the grass greener on the other side?” He also wonders, “Did he fail to vet her properly?”

Well, if you guys are going to be together long enough and you’re in a long-term, exclusive relationship, especially if you’re living together, I mean, it shouldn’t be an issue. You both should have access to each other’s devices. You should be sharing your location. That’s just kind of normal stuff. Full disclosure. If you’re really, truly intermingled, there should be nothing that is hidden, but if you’re always hiding your phone from your girl, especially if you’re dating somebody who’s insecure, which it looks like she’s a little bit insecure and accusatory here, that’s kind of a turnoff. If you’re hiding your phone, the way he’s going about, it kind of makes him look like he’s guilty. So if you’re dealing with a girl who’s already insecure for whatever reason, that’s going to probably trigger her.

So let’s go through the email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve found your work in early September 2025 and just started my 11th read of 3% Man. It’s changed how I see relationships and myself. Your book helped me line up dates, and vet bad options. But I wonder if I failed vetting this time. I’m wondering if I’m just rationalizing staying in something that isn’t right, and failed applying the book.

Well, there is such a thing as a honeymoon period, and people typically tend to get infatuated with each other, and it lasts usually six to 12 months. Then after that, it wears off. I mean, you’re not going to go through life where you’re just feeling zenned out all the time and everything is great and wonderful. It doesn’t work that way. Life has lots of ups and lots of downs. It’s just the way it is. Things are going along well and all of a sudden something goes sideways. That’s just the way life is.

So once you’re out of the honeymoon period, the infatuation period, as a man, you got to show up and you got to be disciplined. It’s just like taking care of yourself, maintaining your relationships with your friends, taking care of your body, working out, and doing the little things like making sure your girl feels heard and understood, continuing to date and court her properly, but what happens with most men over time? The biggest complaint women have about guys is they’re romantic at first, and then they stop the courtship, and the average guy thinks, “Well, that was the beginning, and I don’t have to do that anymore because now we’re together. We’re a couple.” It’s not true. You have to be disciplined. You’ve got to constantly make sure, at least for a healthier relationship, two to three times a week, you guys are having good sex.

As a man, it’s your job, because usually the guys are really excited about sex at first, but when you’ve been together for a while, you’re living together, a lot of guys fall into that pattern of having sex about every two weeks. Then what happens when you do that? Eventually, the girl starts to realize that he only wants sex when he wants it, and sometimes the girl is horny, wants to get her freak on, and he’s like, “I’m not in the mood.” Then he gets upset when he’s in the mood and she’s not, and she starts to realize he only wants sex when he needs a release, and he’s not making sure she’s satisfied, doesn’t do the little things that he used to do when they first started dating.

As a man, if you’re her lover, it’s your job to make sure she really enjoys having sex with you, because if you’re just focused on yourself, you don’t understand a woman’s anatomy, you don’t understand how to pleasure her, you’re gonna have problems long-term. What you also see in long-term relationships, guys go to the gym, they get fit, they get in shape, they want to attract a girl. Then they get a girl and they stop working out.

I’ve talked about my friend who owns a CrossFit gym. People come in, they’re overweight, they just had a breakup, takes them like 90 to 120 days to get really fit and in shape again. They usually meet somebody at the gym, at the CrossFit gym, they start dating, and then three to four months later, neither one of them are nowhere to be found because they got basically fat and happy. They got lazy. “I’ll go tomorrow.” Then a year, year-and-a-half later, the dude comes back in, the girl comes back in, they’re both overweight. “I gotta get back in shape. I had a breakup.” Same process all over again. I mean, he literally had it timed down to the month. He had clients that he knew and he was like, “Well, their relationships would typically last about the same amount of time, and then they’d be back in the gym overweight and taking care of themselves.” So when people are trying to get something, it’s like they take care of themselves, but once they get it, they’re like, “Ehh.” They get lazy and they stop doing the little things.

So you’re always going to have to make sure, even when you don’t want to, that you pleasure your girl, because if she doesn’t like having sex with you, that just creates a whole host of other issues and problems. It’s going to interfere in your ability to be close and to be together. At the end of the day, if you don’t date and court your girl, eventually some other guy will do it for you. That’s just the way it is. Just like a great friendship.

One of the biggest complaints, one of the top five complaints people on their deathbed complain about or regret is, “I wish I’d had done a better job of staying in touch with my friends,” because you get busy, you get caught up with life, you got kids, you got different things going on college, this, that, and as the decades go by, you just lose touch. Then when everybody’s grown up and gone away, you’re like, “Man, whatever happened to my best friend? I haven’t talked to him in 25 years.” You lose touch. You gotta take care of your friendships. You gotta nurture your friendships. You got to take care of your body. You got to take care of your relationship. You got to make sure your girl feels heard and understood. You got to date and court her properly, and you got to keep her properly fucked.

Bottom line, it’s not something, and you’re not always going to feel like you want to do it, but if you really love somebody and you really, truly care for them, and they’re easy-going and easy to get along with, they’re nice to you, they’re respectful, and they communicate like an adult, you got to do your part. You go to a relationship to give. Once you’re satiated, you can’t go, “Well, I’m good” and then just become lazy. Unfortunately, that’s what most human beings do. I mean, 74% of all Americans are overweight or obese. 74%, that’s pretty pathetic. So let’s go through this guy’s email and see what’s going on.

So I actually did read this paragraph before I went on my little diatribe, but it’s an important diatribe because when I’m doing phone sessions with guys that are having problems in their relationships, they’ll do the same thing. They stop dating and courting her, and they stop making her feel heard and understood, and they’re trying to re-establish it.

I’m 23 and met my girlfriend in October. When we first got together, it was the most effortless start I’ve ever had. No games, strong connection, and no red flags for the first 4-5 months.

Well, people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship.

I will say, she has no relationship with her mother, as her parents are divorced. Her father  has a great relationship with her, and is a great guy, but from what I heard didn’t model a healthy relationship which probably contributes to some of her insecurities and expectations.

Well, at the end of the day, nobody’s going to be perfect. As much as you like that, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. Life is messy. I mean, just look at Iran and all that whole shit show in the Middle East.

I found this out later on…

As time went on, patterns emerged that are hard to ignore. She’s become increasingly needy and clingy, she gets upset when I don’t include her in ALL my plans, and she needs constant reassurance that I love her. At times she’s even demanding, and she even suspects I’m hiding something at times.

That’s why if she’s like, “Oh, you’re doing this,” just hand her your phone. “There you go. Have at it. Have fun.” Then go back to watching your football game while she goes through your phone. “What about this? Who’s this person?” But you do have to sit down with her and say, “Look, you got to be nice. It’s not loving to be accusatory. I can understand if you’re upset, but you got to talk about it in a calm manner.”

She’s even gotten mad at me a few times after seeing innocuous pictures of me that happen to have a girl in the background. She also wants my phone pass-code. I’ve told her this is a boundary of mine, but she always brings it up. I don’t reward bad behavior, but this has become more frequent. I had a “come to Jesus” talk about all of this, and she’s been on better behavior, but cracks are showing again.

It’s like, women don’t stop. If you’re still triggering her in the same way, if it still looks like you’re hiding things from her, what could you possibly expect? If you look guilty, well you’re going to trigger her and it’s an issue.

A bigger issue is that my feelings fluctuate.

Well, that’s life. Again, when you fall in love with somebody, it’s not like a Disney movie. You don’t stay infatuated and goo-goo gaga for 10 years or the rest of your life. It doesn’t work that way. Typically, a year, year-and-a-half, the infatuation period wears off. Again, what happens? Most people stop taking care of themselves and they gain weight. Women, especially once they started having kids, they don’t lose the baby weight. They don’t feel beautiful. If they don’t feel sexy, if they don’t feel like their man desires them, if they don’t feel safe, they feel empty, they start basically trying to fill themselves up and change their state with food.

Some weeks I’m content, other weeks I feel drained and distant.

Well that’s life, man. It’s just constantly wearing you down. That’s why you got to take care of your body. You got to do the little things.

I know you talk about being lit up on the inside, I feel that sometimes, but not consistently which worries me.

That’s normal. Again, you’re not going to be zenned out and blissed out every day of your life once you meet your soul mate. It doesn’t work that way. Things are great when it’s new, but after a year, year-and-a-half together, you’re like, “Oh, you again.” It wears off. Think about it: When you were a kid and you wanted a toy, whether it’s your birthday, Christmas, or some other holiday, you think about it. Maybe you print a picture of it, tape it to your wall, you annoy the shit out of your parents about it, and eventually you get it, and you’re showing everybody in the neighborhood, “Look what I got! I got the coolest toy in the world! It’s so awesome!” Then like two weeks later, it’s at the bottom of your toy box and you don’t even think about it anymore. That’s pretty much the way it is with life. Same thing comes with the relationships.

You gotta understand, you signed up, you made a commitment. So you got to do the little things, you got to be disciplined, especially when you don’t feel like it. Most guys, when they no longer feel like they have to court and date their wife or their girlfriend, they just stop doing it. “Oh, we gotta save money. We gotta pay down our credit cards. We got bills to pay. We spent too much money on our home renovation. We got to pay that debt off,” and it just becomes an excuse for not dating and courting her because the guy is just being lazy. This is something you just have to do.

I mean, think about it: If you’re a parent, for those of you that got kids, you can’t just go, “You know, life is tough. I don’t really want to be a dad anymore. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I’m just not going to parent my kids.” It doesn’t work that way. You can’t say, “Well, I’m just not going to take my kid to school. I’m not going to make sure they do their homework.” We know how that turns out.

I’d say about 40% of the time. She does have plenty of good qualities, but it’s slowly being outweighed.

I’ve had doubts on and off throughout the relationship, and they’ve slowed down, but haven’t gone away. I’m not sure if that’s my gut telling me something, or if I have commitment tendencies that are getting in my way. Part of me wonders if I haven’t played the field enough to know what I really want.

Well again, say you do leave your girlfriend because you’re seeking some feeling, which basically like what a woman does, but at the end of the day, the bliss, the infatuation, being in love, it doesn’t last forever. The question is, once you’re out of the honeymoon period, do you still want to give to her? Is she still good to you? Does she make your dick hard, not your life hard? Is she really awesome to be with? Easy-going, nice, kind, fun, communicates like an adult? Comes from a good family? Loves her dad? Hopefully loves her mom. In this case, we know mom’s not around, but she has a tight relationship with her dad, but what was modeled at home? Obviously not anything healthy. So she’s going to be a little screwed up.

What keeps me from acting is the fear of making the same mistake in reverse. I’ve heard you talk about staying in something that didn’t feel right at around my age and the cost of that.

Well, I married somebody that I knew I shouldn’t marry. I never felt like, “This is it. This is the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.” She was my first real girlfriend, but I didn’t want to get married, but I listened to everybody else around me. This is not your situation here, so it’s completely different. I deep down knew that the relationship had run its course. It was a great experience. I should have moved on, but I was absolutely terrified I’d never meet anybody else. I did not have an abundance mentality back then because I didn’t understand how attraction worked. What I didn’t understand was that my wife loved me no matter what. I just did it for her and I liked her enough to do enough right things to keep her happy and in love, but I was never feeling the same way. Internally, she knew that we had lots of discussions, even when we were dating before we got married, and I felt horrible about it, but I didn’t know any better. I didn’t have anybody to go to.

At the end of the day, if you’re going to stay with somebody long-term, you’re going to get married, you’re going to co-habitate. Do you see her as the mother of your children? Do you want to stay with her long-term? Do you want to build a life with her? Again, deep down where I was at that time, I didn’t feel that way, but I was like, well, if I break up with her in two or three years, I’ll probably be really lonely and think, “What an idiot. I lost the love of my life,” and that’s what kept me. There was my fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear I wouldn’t find anybody else, which at the end of the day is just a mind fuck. It’s all in your head.

My feelings are more attached now due to the time I’ve invested so far, and I recognize this may be sunk cost thinking on my part.

Do you feel the inconsistency in my feelings…

Well, I don’t talk like that. I don’t say, “I feel like. I feel like.” All you younger guys, it’s like you’ve been you’ve been brainwashed by those woke people always talking about your feelings and your emotions. I mean, even look at the sports reporters, talk about the emotions of the game. Every fucking football game or NBA game is like they ask that same stupid fucking question. It’s like you can’t come up with any other better questions than that. “Is this a statement game?” The same fucking inane questions.

…A red flag about the relationship, or something about me that I should work on?

Thanks for everything you do.

Bob

Well, you just don’t have enough experience in this, and it sounds like it’s your first time with somebody that you really loved, and now you’re like exiting the honeymoon period, and then you’re no longer infatuated. You no longer have those thoughts of, “Oh, I hope I get her. I hope she likes me. Hope she wants to stay with me and be my girl,” and because she’s all over you, it makes it easy for you to take it for granted. So you should be an appreciator of what you have. This is the kind of girl you praise the things you love about her, and if you’re almost a year in and she really wants to see your phone, as long as you don’t have anything to hide, just hand it to her. So you have fun, because if you have nothing to hide, you’re like, “There you go.” If you have something to hide, you’re like, “No.” So you gotta think about that because if you’re gonna have kids with her, like you’re gonna go around hiding your phone devices from each other, maybe sometimes she needs to use the phone to get access to a website, Netflix, or whatever, it’s like you get emails sent when you got to verify you’re trying to log in or you get texts sent.

So again, if you guys are living together and you’re really tight, especially if you’re thinking about becoming a family, this should be a non-issue. Same thing with sharing location. I mean girls do that automatically these days just because they want to feel safe. They share their location with their girl friends and vice versa, so everybody knows where they are. It’s a safety thing. So I would imagine by now you guys should have, say, shared your location, but I suspect you didn’t want to do that either. Maybe you did, but again it’s like, what’s on your phone that you don’t want her to see? Do you have nudes and videos from other girls you dated or whatever? Sex tapes? It’s like that kind of stuff, you should put somewhere else, maybe take it off your phone, put it in your computer and a password protected, operational security. Put it somewhere where she’s not going to find it and it’s going to be a non-issue. If she wants access to that. It’s like, “No, those are pictures and sex tapes and intimate things. No, I’m not giving you. I don’t even look at that stuff anymore and I’m not deleting it.” Again, she should never know about it. You’re James Bond, you compartmentalize that part of your life.

So again, if you got things that are incriminating on your phone, you better get them off and just give her the password and have her give you hers. Then any time you want, you can always just pick it up, but what if she starts going through your phone and every week she’s like, “What about this? What about that?” It’s like, “I don’t mind giving you access to my phone, but if you’re going to get upset about every little thing and come to me as if I’m doing something wrong, I’m going to stop giving you access to it,” and that’s not good for the relationship. Love cannot exist where there is no trust, and a loyal and honest man does not want to constantly have his integrity questioned by an insecure girl that didn’t get enough strokes from mommy and daddy as a kid.

So if she’s insecure, she is going to have to deal with that on her own. Whether she goes to a therapist or whatever happens to be, that shit needs to stop because it’s unloving. It’s not very kind because it’s going to piss anybody off. You’re going to get tired of having to explain yourself when there’s nothing to explain, but quite frankly, the way you’re handling it, it makes you look guilty. So that’s what I would do if I were you. Clean your phone up. If there’s stuff on there that’s incriminating and give her access, it should solve most of the problem, especially if eventually you guys move in, you start living together, that shouldn’t be an issue. You guys should be a team and there shouldn’t be big secrets from each other.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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