My Girlfriend Went To Her Ex’s House. She Has A History Of Infidelity. What Now?

Some things to consider if your girl has a history of infidelity & went to her ex boyfriend’s house.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about a year. They connect on many levels, but he’s concerned they don’t have the same values. She recently ran into her ex on the street and went back to his place. She initially told him she briefly ran into him on the street and then later admitted she went to his house.

She has a history of infidelity and he doesn’t have a good feeling about her anymore. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, that’s just not what you want to hear…

This particular emailer has been with his girlfriend for about a year, and he says they connect on a lot of levels, but now he’s starting to think that they do not share the same values. Obviously, values of loyalty and honesty. Supposedly what happened, or at least what she initially told him that happened is, “Oh, I ran into my ex in the middle of the street. It was a brief encounter.” Then at some point she later reveals, “Well, it wasn’t just a brief encounter.” So she lied through omission, and she ends up going back to this ex’s house because she was cold and needed a jacket. Yeah, sounds legit…

They’ve been in a relationship for a year. This guy’s devoted a year of his life to being loyal and faithful to her. He’s had situations like this that he kind of talks about in his email, where he’s like, “I’m not going to go hang out with my ex-girlfriend at her place one-on-one or do anything like that. That would that’d be disloyal. I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to think that I wasn’t being loyal and faithful to her.” The other caveat is that she apparently has a history of infidelity. You may have heard me say many times, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Liars and cheaters tend to always be liars and cheaters. It’s just their value system.

The reality is, whatever happened in their childhood is they learned that lying is an acceptable form of behavior. If you don’t want to hurt somebody else, you don’t want to get in trouble or you just don’t want to create any drama, you just don’t tell him the truth, or you leave details out and tell them partial truths like she did. Obviously, she learned from her family that lying and deceiving people close to you is an acceptable form of behavior. When you think about it, she’s an adult now, what’s the likelihood that she’s now going to become honest? Probably not going to happen. She may become better at hiding things, but if she’s been loyal and unfaithful in the past, as I’ve talked many times, I believe it’s also in 3% Man, you could be the best boyfriend in the world, best husband in the world, but if you’re with somebody that just doesn’t value it and doesn’t have a track record because character is destiny, if you slip up or you get too busy with work, you don’t pay attention to her as much, you don’t date and court her properly, she doesn’t feel heard and understood, she’ll just start spending time and giving her romantic attention to other men, and basically give them the green light to try to seduce her because hey, she’s not happy. That’s just kind of the worldview that they have. So obviously this guy doesn’t have a good feeling. He’s pretty queasy about the whole thing.

Let’s go through his email because again, character is destiny. As Maya Angelou said, so apropos, “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” Love cannot exist where there is no trust. If your girlfriend of a year runs into her ex-boyfriend and then thinks it’s an OK idea to go back to his place and, “Oh trust me, nothing happened. I was just going back because I was a little cold.” That just doesn’t look good. A woman who’s family-oriented, who was raised right, who’s father and mother hopefully instilled a sense of honorable values, integrity and being loyal and faithful, she’s not going to do something like that, but she grew up in a household where lying is just how the family operates. If there’s cheating on one or both parties or multiple partners, they just learn that this is the way the world works. So they may want to be loyal and faithful, they may say they want to be loyal and faithful, but when push comes to shove, when they get backed into a corner or they’re not happy, well they’re not happy, and that’s all that matters. Therefore, all acceptable forms of behavior, “Hey, well you weren’t treating me properly,” or “Hey, you weren’t dating me,” or “Hey, you weren’t listening to me.” Mentally in their mind, the relationship is over or potentially could be over and they don’t like the idea of going at it alone, so you might as well line up a replacement and talk to somebody else behind the back, or in this case, you run into the ex and you think, “Oh yeah, I’m just going to go back to my ex-boyfriend’s house and hang out because I’m cold.” Yeah, “That dog can’t hunt,” as we say down south.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks for all the incredible guidance over the years. Applying your principles has brought me so many valuable connections and experiences with women. Many of which have felt deep and fulfilling, though not always aligned on every level.

About a year ago, I met an amazing woman from Argentina. We connect on multiple levels— Sexually, spiritually, mentally. However over time, I’ve begun to confront a reality I can’t ignore: Our values may not fully match.

Recently, she ran into her ex on the street. At first, she told me it was a brief encounter, with no personal discussion involved.

Which obviously we know that’s a lie, but in the moment when she’s telling him this, she’s lying by omission, which is like what the media does all the time. I mean, you guys may have heard about all the January 6th stuff that when you look at all the congressional testimony that there were over 200 law enforcement agents embedded in the crowd. The media says that just recently it was noted that there was something like 60 or 70 confidential informants, contractors or people that had turned for the FBI or there were criminal informants. The media says, “There’s no evidence there weren’t any FBI agents embedded in the crowd. So this is just fake news and misinformation.” However, it’s documented. It has been verified to be true that there were people embedded in the crowd that were working for the FBI, criminal informants, whatever.

So that’s one of the ways that the media lies by omission, because if law enforcement has a bunch of people, agent provocateurs, if you will, and plus, several of these agent provocateurs were throwing bricks through windows and stuff at the Capitol, they shouldn’t have been doing, which if they’re working for the FBI, that’s how it works. That’s how they catch terrorists, is they kind of create a honey trap for them. That’s basically what they do. You could have people in law enforcement. One of them throws a brick through the window to see who else will throw a brick through the window, and then the other people that just follow what the law enforcement person is doing, they’re the ones that get arrested and prosecuted.

I even had a video that I’ve shared on my Twitter where a guy who was in law enforcement, he was dressed up as a MAGA person, as a conservative, and he’s handcuffed, this is all body-cam footage. So he’s talking to these other Capitol Police. He’s like, “Hey, I’m law enforcement,” so they kind of take him away from the crowd and they undo his handcuffs and they shake hands and they’re like, “Hey, thanks,” and then the guy goes back into the crowd to stir some more shit up. So you can look at that. Even Stephen A. Smith this past week is like going, “Man, they lied to us about this,” because we’ve known for years on the conservative side, if you will, that this stuff happened.

I mean, there was congressional testimony, but the media just completely ignored it. They just don’t tell people about it or they say, “Oh, there’s no FBI agents embedded in the crowd.” Now, that may be true, but we know there are people that were working for the FBI that were embedded in the crowd, and if they’re throwing bricks and shit through the windows and basically inciting people, then you could look at that and draw the conclusion. It’s like you got people in the government that basically helped cause the insurrection, if you will, and you had a bunch of gullible people. Again, you can see all in the video that the Capitol Police clearly removed the barricades and waved these people in, and a lot of them just walked in going, “Oh, wow,” and they were very respectful in there. They didn’t break anything. There were a few guys, I think one of the dudes went into Nancy Pelosi’s office and took a shit on her desk, which is kind of funny. I don’t know how many years that guy got, like 10 years or something like that.

The point being is that, “Wow, like, our government had people embedded in the crowd that incited them to do that.” So what does that mean? Does that mean it’s a setup? Does that mean that dirty cops in government are trying to make Donald Trump look bad? Because what did the media tell us? “Oh, Donald Trump sent his supporters down there to destroy the Capitol and overturn the election.” That’s what the media told us, but in reality, the other thing is Kash Patel, who’s nominated for the new FBI director, he said it takes six months for the FBI working with criminal informants to get them all set up, to trust them, to feel like they have relative control over them and that they’re a reliable criminal informant. So if we know that six months before the election, the FBI was planning on all this and other members of law enforcement or intelligence agencies, who knows? What we do know, because of congressional testimony, that there were over 200 agents. So when you know those things, it’s lying by omission.

I know that’s a long example. It’s something that’s just kind of unconscionable. Even the Democrats are now starting to, Stephen A. Smith, who is a Biden supporter or Kamala supporter, he’s was pretty pissed off the other day. He’s like, “They lied to us.” It’s like, “Duhh. We’ve been saying this for years. Many, many, many years.” That’s part of the problem with the people on the left side of the aisle is the media sources that they follow are just not telling them what’s actually going on, or they’re leaving things out or they’re lying through omission, and you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. If the media won’t even tell you what’s really going on, how can you make an intelligent, informed decision? You can’t. Character is destiny. So we got a lot of dirty cops that need to be brought to justice, and I hope it happens.

So back to our emailer. We have a woman who’s clearly lying by omission. Why would she do that? Are these the actions of somebody that’s honest and loyal, or are these the actions of somebody who’s just a serial habitual liar and cheater, and she’s just telling her boyfriend a sanitized version of what happened and not really revealing the full details? Just like the media is saying, “Oh, there’s no FBI agents that were embedded.” However, they leave out the fact that, yeah there was like, I don’t know, 50, 60 people that were working for the FBI, criminal informants that were in the crowd. We know it takes at least six months to get those people dialed in, inserted and participating in working with the FBI. So that would mean by summer, a minimum of summer of 2019, our people in law enforcement were already planning the insurrection. That doesn’t look good. That doesn’t give us the warm and fuzzies. It pisses people off, especially if they know there were people in law enforcement or their criminal informants that were throwing bricks through our Capitol and causing shit that doesn’t look good at all. It almost looks like the government was trying to basically get Trump out of office. Now, why would they want to do that? Well, that’s a whole other issue that we’re not going to get into, but we live in a world where this is just kind of normalized behavior. You can’t even trust the po-po to do the right thing because you got dirty cops and you got incompetent morons like Christopher Wray who just want to protect the image of the FBI. He’s like he ain’t going to solve this problem. He ain’t going to fix that. That’s why the bitch is resigning now. It’s pathetic.

You got to be able to trust your institutions, and you got to be able to trust your girl and your relationship. You can’t be surrounded by fucking Judas goats. It makes life really uncomfortable and unpleasant. So again, keep in mind it was just a brief encounter in the street. No personal discussion involved. Just, “Oh hey, there’s my ex.” “Well, on to the next. See you later. Have a nice day.”

But a week later, on the eve of my graduation, she confessed she had actually gone to his apartment, saying she accepted his offer for a jacket because she felt cold and they wanted to talk through past issues.

So in reality, they both wanted to get together and talk about their past relationship. She wasn’t going there for a jacket. Now, she may have got the jacket, and it may have been true that she was cold and the jacket is a secondary issue, but you don’t go all the way to your ex-boyfriend’s house. Wait, what was that, 10, 15 minutes away from where they are? Or maybe it’s closer or maybe it’s further away. That’s highly unusual. Did she hop in the car with him? I don’t know. Were they taking trains or buses? Were they living in a big city? We don’t know. The bottom line is, this guy has been loyal and faithful to his girlfriend, and his girlfriend is going to her ex-boyfriend’s house. I wouldn’t like that and most men would not like that either. Especially when you got a year invested with this person and she does this and doesn’t tell you the truth initially and then she confesses.

I would have to say if I was a betting man, she still left out a lot of details. If she goes back to his house, why would she need to go back to his house? Why don’t they just stop and get a cup of coffee somewhere? Why do they got to go all the way to his house? “Oh well, I got to get a jacket because I’m cold.” Well, why are you wanting to borrow clothing from your ex? Then at some point, you would assume that it’s got to be returned, right? Well, that must mean that there has to be another rendezvous in the future to where she’s got to meet up with her ex-boyfriend to give him back his jacket.

Again, I don’t know if she felt guilty or more than likely, he probably just kept quizzing her on it because it just wasn’t adding up. Doesn’t make any sense. So she tells him a little bit more but embellishes the details, but it looks like if you’re going to his house, maybe you ran into your ex and you just went and fucked your ex. That’s what it looks like. We just have to trust that nothing happened? We have to trust that she was loyal and faithful? We know she’s lying about it. So how do we know what the truth is? Well, the people that we’re supposed to rely on for the truth are not giving it to us. In this case, it’s the girlfriend. The January 6th thing. It’s the media. Anything that makes Joe Biden look bad, they’re just not going to tell you about it because they feel like they’re doing the right thing, because the orange man is just a big meanie. We don’t like his tweets. He’s a mean tweeter.

She didn’t tell me at the time because I was out of town. While she’s since apologized, promised it won’t happen again…

What won’t happen again? That she won’t lie to you again, or that she won’t go to her ex’s house again? Does she still have the jacket? Does she have to return the jacket now?

…And even expressed how much she’s learned from me about integrity and loyalty.

That sounds like she’s saying something you want to hear.

My instincts are kicking in, and I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to this than I know.

Just say, “Hey, hand me your phone. Let me look through your text exchange with this guy. If you got nothing to hide, let me see it,” or if you know her passcode, go through it and look at it because I wouldn’t trust this chick as far as I could throw her.

She’s well aware of how important honesty and loyalty are to me.

Yeah, but the thing that you may be looking past is that it clearly isn’t very important to her. I mean, anybody with common sense is going to go, “Yeah, if I go to my ex’s house, my current significant other is just going to be like, ‘Oh, that’s totally fine. No problem. Oh, I totally trust you!'” You went to his house? If you needed to talk, you couldn’t go for a cup of coffee or maybe chit chat in the street for five minutes? I mean, you’re in a year long relationship with this guy, and she’s like, “Well, I’ll just go to my ex-boyfriend’s house and hang out with him because I’m cold and I need a jacket.” That shit just doesn’t add up. “That dog can’t hunt!”

What’s making this difficult is the double standard I feel. I was in a similar situation with my ex, but chose not to go down that road…

Because you have integrity.

…Because I didn’t want to disrespect my girlfriend. Her history includes infidelity…

Well, once a cheater, always a cheater, and it looks like she cheated. Maybe she didn’t, but it doesn’t look good. If you want your significant other to trust you, you’re not going to do things that don’t make you look good.

…Which also makes this harder for me to overlook. Am I being too rigid by holding on to these values? Despite her apology and commitment to change, I feel an increasing hesitation about moving forward, as my instincts and her past actions weigh heavily on me.

I’d really appreciate your perspective.

Best Regards,

Bob

Well, I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. Maybe going through her phone. If you’re just sitting there and you’re like, “It doesn’t sound right. I wouldn’t do something like that. I had a similar situation. I didn’t go hang out with my ex because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to look bad to you, but you clearly didn’t have any problem with hanging out with your ex. So you say nothing happened. Well, let me see your texts between you and this guy. Just hand me your phone. Open it up. Let me look at them.” If she’s got nothing to hide, she’ll go and she’ll hand you the phone, but if she’s like, “No,” and she’s trying to delete things before she hands you the phone, yeah she looks guilty. I wouldn’t trust the bitch as far as I can throw her, so you got kind of a conundrum there.

Ronald Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.” So we know she’s lied to you. She lied by omission. She didn’t tell you what really happened. Then she told you a little bit more about what happened because again, she purposely deceived you. She thought she could, “Oh, I ran into my ex in the street,” because she probably felt guilty about it. Then you later find out that she ran into her ex and they went back to his place. She went and got a jacket of his. That just doesn’t look good. We just have to trust that they didn’t hook up when she’s got a history of infidelity. So looking at the text, you’re going to need some kind of evidence, but I don’t believe her, and I’m sure the people watching this probably don’t believe her either and you don’t believe her because your Spidey sense is going, “This is bullshit. I don’t trust this bitch.”

Love cannot exist where there is no trust. We know she’s trying to deceive you. I mean, it’s easy to sit here and go, “Just blow your relationship up and go find somebody else,” but I mean, the only way you’re really going to know for sure, because it doesn’t look like your girlfriend is going to be honest with you about this, or the only way she’ll be honest is if you get the evidence that something actually happened. Maybe she’s sending him nudes. We don’t know. You’d have to look through her texts. If you’re just sitting there and talking about it, because every time you talk about it, the story changes. Well, if the story is changing every time you talk to her, that just means there’s further lying and deception there. So you got to get to the truth, and that’s what you’re trying to find, “What is the truth?” So you can make an intelligent, informed decision.

So the text exchanges, talking to her about it again in the future, ideally what you want to do is you want to be able to see the text exchanges between the two of them without her being suspicious that there’s something incriminating. So if you know her code, you look at her phone when she’s not there, or if she’s talking about it and just say, “Hey, give me your phone. Let me look at the text between you and him.” If everything you’re telling me is legit, then obviously the texts will line up to that as well. If she’s hesitant and she won’t give you her phone and starts, “Oh, you should trust me,” “Well, the fact that you won’t give me your phone and won’t let me look at your text exchanges tells me that there is stuff in your exchanges with him that I’m not going to like. So you can come clean or we can break up. You can let me look through your phone, or you can pack your shit and go. I need to be able to trust you, and I don’t trust you. You’ve already lied to me about this situation, so I have to assume you still haven’t given me the full truth. It looks like you ran into your ex, and then you went back to, and I was out of town of course.” So how do you know that she just bumped into him on the street? Maybe she texted him when you were gone because she was lonely or whatever. Or maybe you’ve been slipping up lately and haven’t been dating and courting her properly and making her feel heard and understood, and since she’s a low character person, she just started texting with her ex again and met up with him. We don’t know. The only thing that’ll show is what’s in her phone because you know, you can’t believe what comes out of her mouth, unfortunately.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.