What it means for your relationship and intimacy when your girlfriend has a male emotional support orbiter.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend of a year and a half has a male “best friend” who she dated briefly that she talks to every day as an emotional support male orbiter. She tells this other guy everything, but she insists it’s platonic and he’s just a friend.
He and his girlfriend were buying a house together, or he bought a house for them to live in. A week before they moved in together, he caught her texting inappropriately and she told him they weren’t as strong as she thought. She moved in anyway, but now says she is moving out to buy her own house but wants to stay together. He feels like he is done for good but is unsure and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Communication is essential in a relationship. If you’re dating a woman and she’s upset and you’re like, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from?” and she goes, “I want to talk about it,” which I’ve had that experience before, versus one when you say, “What do you mean?” and she effortlessly speaks from her heart without fear, obviously, the girl that speaks from her heart without fear, she’s going to help you help her to resolve things, to resolve your differences.
But when you get stonewalled and the woman won’t talk to you, or like in this case, she’s got another dude that is fulfilling that need for her, and has for a long time, you see this guy has gotten way down the road and he doesn’t really have a real relationship with this woman. Because a lot of times you could tell he knew he should have said something, spoken up, set and enforced some healthy boundaries, but he failed to do that and now he’s paying for it.
I trust you are well, as you always seem to be!
Well, I’m better than I used to be, but I still have more to go. In other words, we all have work we can be doing on ourselves to get better.
Well, quite frankly, I would have preferred that you spent hundreds of hours reading the book and learning the fundamentals instead of being lazy and watching videos, because, well, here we are. I’m reading your email. So, come on, man. You didn’t follow instructions, 10 to 15 times.
Thank you so much for your help and inspiration.
Well, I’d be much happier if you’d actually followed instructions, but you’re not the first and you won’t be the last that doesn’t follow instructions. But you’ve got to meet people where they are in life.
I’m having trouble both with deciding if I’ve made the right decision and how to proceed. Here’s some background. I’ve been dating “Jessica” for a year and a half now. I did everything right in the beginning, I believe. She did all of the contacting after the first 2 weeks or so, asked me over a couple times a week, and everything was great. Three months in, she lost a close relative and the stress and grief was so difficult to handle that she tearfully broke things off with me.
Well, if you had been following the book, she would have been head over heels in love with you and you would have been her rock and her mountain, instead of the male emotional support orbiter that she has.
Obviously, she quickly realized what an amazing catch I am…
Well, she wanted to keep her Frankenstein boyfriend project together.
…started pursuing me, and we were back together a week later.
She should have always been pursuing you. So, more than likely, it sounds like he was good for two weeks, and then things changed. He probably started pursuing more because he liked her. That’s typically what guys do in this situation.
So, the other thing is, just because somebody doesn’t explicitly say something in the email… I mean, I’ve answered tens of thousands of these and had tens of thousands of phone sessions over the last fifteen, seventeen years, I don’t know how many. So, it’s like, you see the same patterns over and over and you learn to read between the lines, and you just see things that most people don’t see. And you also see things that people are trying to hide from you, because they know deep down I’m going to call them out on it.
However, the breakup made me lose a lot of trust that she wouldn’t just bail the next time. She has a BEST FRIEND who she dated for a few weeks years ago.
Obviously, he still wants access to the box and he’s been holding out being stuck in male orbiter emotional support zone.
They talk to each other every day with words like “babe,” “I love you,” “hey beautiful” every morning, etc.
Come on, man. You think that’s normal? Your “girlfriend” is saying this to another dude who she used to date, “But he’s just a friend, you don’t have to worry about him.” There’s a song, “but you say he’s just friend.” That’s a bad way to go, my man. That’s just not appropriate. The first time that’s going on, you’ve got to go, “Yeah, check please. Thanks, it’s been real. Good luck with your emotional support male orbiter.
I have always not been okay with this relationship-type talk, but pussed out on telling her because I was afraid to rock the boat. Yeah, beta behavior.
Well, just like the people in New York and all those other cities that have been voting for Democrats for decades, where they defunded the police and criminals and murderers and things are just up through the roof. Hey, enjoy because you got what you voted for. They keep voting for the same people, so I don’t feel bad. San Francisco, same thing. You voted for it. You love it. Enjoy the socialist commie paradise.
Fast forward a year. We wanted to live together and put in an offer on a house.
“We wanted to live together.” Yeah, you’re probably thinking, “If I can get her to live with me, then yeah, I’ll get rid of this other guy.” You’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. If a woman wants to be exclusive with you and yet this shit’s going on with another guy every day, “Babe, I love you. Good morning, sweetie,” and she’s like, “Hey, I want to be exclusive,” I’d be like, “No. You’ve got another “boyfriend.” I know you call him a “friend,” but you guys had dated. He obviously still wants to get access to the box.” “Oh, but he’s just a friend.” It’s like, “You’re delusional if you think he’s just your platonic friend. He’s hoping to get another shot.”
“But we’re just friends. It’s not like that.” It’s like, “I don’t care. I’m not stupid. It’s not my first time around the block. If you want to get exclusive with me, that shit’s going to come to a stop. And if you want to keep your male emotional support orbiter, then that’s great. But I’m going to keep dating other women until I find a woman who’s capable of adult intimacy and wants to be with me exclusively. Because that’s not loving. that’s fucked up and dysfunctional, and I’m not interested in that. So we can be friends with benefits, fuck buddies, sex, playmates. That’s it. It’s never going to go any further.” That’s the conversation you should have had. But I digress. Come on, man.
Her lease was up, so she put in her notice and started packing. A week before her final day, I saw some texts over her shoulder that really got me wondering.
You should’ve been wondering a long time before, bro. Come on, man.
And so, I asked her if there was anything going on with her friend. She was so butt hurt that she said we aren’t as strong as she thought we were.
Ya think? Holy Captain Obvious.
She also assured me there is nothing going on at all.
Okay, I really believe that. See, you don’t need all the toxic ideology in the red pill community because there’s no solutions, really. It’s like, they complain about horrible train wreck women, when in reality you should be looking at this and using a book that actually has solutions to help you weed these chicks out. You don’t get involved with women like this. I mean, come on. Come on, man.
In hindsight, I should have just told her how those words make me feel and had a conversation. She moved in anyway, but said she feels “stuck” here.
Yeah, you moved in with a girl who felt that way. Dude, it’s like you are not paying attention to anything. Talk about deluding yourself.
And then informed me that she is buying her own house.
Oh yeah, “we wanted to live together.” No, you were hoping if you got her to live with you under the same roof that you could get rid of this other guy. So, you’ve been bullshitting yourself this whole time. So, come on, man.
I’ve told her that’s not a path I want to take, I’m not okay with it, and I think we need to work things out while we are living together instead of derail all our plans. She’s not interested in that but does not want to break up and thinks we can just continue as before once we are in 2 separate places again.
I would just say, “Honey, here’s the reality. When you move out, you’re going to give me your key back, and then we’re never going to speak again. And I’m going to go find a woman who is actually normal and who appreciates me. And I hope you and your gay male girlfriend, I’m sorry, your emotional support male orbiter, live happily ever after, and I never want to hear from you again. So, it’s been wonderful. Thanks for the memories. I’m going to enjoy having a bonfire in the backyard and burning all of our pictures and anything that reminds me of you.”
To me, it feels like running away from a problem.
Well, she’s actually running away from a guy she has low interest in, because you have no spine and you had no balls to stand up to her and put her in her place.
She has a habit of “needing time to think” for days.
“Needing time to think.” So, if you’ve applied successfully what’s in here about opening a woman up and getting her to talk, that’s assuming you have a normal, happy, healthy woman. When you ask a woman “What’s going on?” and especially with the texting, “Hey, is everything okay with your friend?” and she gets upset or she says, “I need time to think for a few days,” yeah, that kind of a relationship is not going to work.
A good example for you guys to watch is some of the videos that I’ve done with Gracie and Chunky. In several of them you’ll see, because I generally don’t understand where she’s coming from, and I love her and I care about her, and I want to understand her, whether it’s my aunt or my mom or any other woman that’s close to my life, I’ll say things like, “What do you mean? What does that look like?” And effortlessly it’ll flow. The answer will flow out of her.
And if you’re dating a woman and you ask her those kinds of questions and you get “I need time to think for a few days” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” like a girlfriend I once had said, you’re not going to have an effortless relationship with that person. It’s impossible. They’re not capable of adult communication, and it’s a waste of your time to try. So, I encourage you to go watch some of those videos that I’ve done with Gracie and Chunky, because you can see what it looks like when a woman just speaks from her heart. It’s beautiful, and it shows a high level of trust and integrity that you have with the other person.
And you should be doing these things with your sisters, your mothers, your aunts, women that are close to you. If you really authentically care about them and actually want to understand them and where they’re coming from, you’re going to say, “What do you mean?” and get them to explain, instead of making a bunch of assumptions which are usually wrong, which obviously this guy’s made a lot of them.
And I’ve lost all faith that she would be willing to work on things in the future.
Well, bro, she’s never really been willing to work on things. You’re part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. And you enabled their behavior, because you didn’t set and enforce healthy boundaries.
I mean, come on, people have worked through much worse!
Well, again, you have ignored the fact that your woman is incapable of having an adult relationship. She refuses to participate in communication. That’s a big reason why it’s not working. And also, you’re not setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
For now, I’m just not asking for anything from her and living my life while she’s at my place.
Yeah. Enjoy the free pussy while it’s at your house. But man, as soon as she’s done and she’s got her last load, and you’ve got everything that she has of yours, you’re going to say, “I want my key back and I wish all the best. Good luck with your emotional support male orbiter. I hope you guys live happily ever after, but we’re done. I don’t ever want to see you again. I don’t ever want to speak to you again. And don’t call me, don’t text me. I’m just going to move on with my life, because nothing that’s happened in the last year and a half has been real or authentic between you and I. It’s all been based on a bunch of lies and a load of bullshit, and I’m over it. And wish you all the best. Just love and rainbows and unicorns for you, and coloring books and crayons.”
While she still wants to kiss, hold hands, and initiates the horizontal mambo (rarely), she obviously does not want to live with me…
Because, quite frankly, she’s disgusted by your lack of putting her in her place and standing up to her.
…and is voting with her feet, despite saying she doesn’t want to end it.
She just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. She’s probably already riding the “best friend” and you, just throwing you a couple of mercy fucks every now and then before she moves out, just to keep you pacified, because it doesn’t take too much.
But I’m not interested in this major step back. I think I’m done once she actually moves out. What’s my move here? I really love her, but it can’t just be her way or the highway. She needs to be willing to try as well.
Dude, it would be epic, it would be epically awesome if on your front porch you do exactly what I described when she’s there. “Oh, it’s been great. I’ll call you tomorrow. I’ll call you later.” I’d be like, “I need my key back, please. And my garage clicker, please,” and then just let her have it. Block her on everything and say, “We’re never speaking again. I don’t ever want to see you, because you belong to the streets, baby! Get the fuck out of here,” and slam your door. I know it’s harsh, but man, it would be fun. It would be great.
It’ll be satisfying, because if you really wanted to take your balls back, that would just be epic. And I would love to read an email on camera in the future of that and how it all went down. It would just be beautiful. It would be awesome. And she fucking deserves it, because she’s a fucking hoe.
Never try to turn a hoe into a housewife. It’s a bad idea. And never get into a relationship and never move in with a woman, when you ask her what she’s thinking and feeling, and she goes “I need a few days to figure it out and think about it. I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Get the fuck out of here with that. She can go on down the road and take her little Frankenstein beta male with her, because she belongs to the streets.
She closes on her house in about a month.
Thanks in advance, and stay awesome,
I’d be counting down the days. “Can I help you pack? Can I help you move?” I’d start meeting and dating other women. It’s like, fuck her. Your relationship is over. It wasn’t even a relationship. She’s probably been fucking you and this other guy, and maybe one or two other dudes that you have no idea about.
Dude, if you knew the phone sessions I’ve had with dudes over the years that are in situations like this, and then the chick moves out or leaves and they find out that they slept with every dude in the neighborhood, and their best friends, and their co-workers, and their business partners. And everybody knew it and they were the last one to find out. You don’t want to be that guy. That’s just a bad way to go, my man.
So, if I were you, I’d be reading “How To Be A 3% Man.” I’d be reading, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” or the audiobook for that, because it ties everything together from my first book and my amazing second book, “Mastering Yourself,” the book on self reliance. And you can read them all for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. And you can get these sweet “Come On, Man!” mugs along with the “She Belongs To The Streets!” one at Spring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store.
And if you would like to do a phone session with yours truly, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If your “girlfriend” has a male support orbiter that is her “best friend” that she talks to about everything every day, then she is not your girlfriend. You are part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. You will never be solid ride or die teammates with a woman who doesn’t view you as her rock and her mountain. These women have daddy issues and need attention and validation from many men because they are incapable of adult intimacy. It’s not your job to fix or save them. They must do that themselves. But it is your job to leave them so you can create a space to find and attract a normal healthy woman to have a real adult intimate relationship with that is based upon communication, commitment and real loving and giving to one another.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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