What you should do if your girlfriend’s guy friend is a guy she used to date but friend zoned.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read How To Be A 3% Man four times so far. He says out of all the women he has met since finding my work, his new girlfriend is a real keeper in his eyes and the most loyal girlfriend he has ever had. They’ve only been together for four months, however.
She has a guy friend she used to date who she talks to often and still hangs out with in person. However, he doesn’t feel comfortable with this situation. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Remember, people can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship, so you can see there’s a little bit of this guy projecting his fantasy onto this girl and looking at everything through rose colored glasses. However, she has a male ‘friend’ she used to date and hook up with, or she had a fling with, and it looks like she later friend zoned this guy and he stuck around. They talk quite often, and she does get together with him in person.
And so, this guy who wrote the email obviously doesn’t feel too good about that, because it’s not like some random dude. This is a guy she used to date and sleep with and still talks to, because they supposedly have a ‘strong connection.’ So, he’s asking, what should I do in this particular case?
The key here is this is something that goes on frequently. And it’s not an occasional, they get together for lunch, or whatever, whenever the person’s in town. It’s like, they’re constantly talking on the phone, and when they’re in town, they get together, obviously, without the new boyfriend.
I’ve had this experience many times over the course of my life. I have good relationships with girlfriends that I no longer date or sleep with. And especially when I’ve been in new, exclusive, monogamous relationships with different women, any time we got together, just out of respect for my new girlfriend, if I’m getting together with an ex and maybe her new boyfriend or significant other, we’re doing a double date. I’m not hanging out with her by herself when my girlfriend is not around and this other girl’s new boyfriend is not around. That’s just common sense. It’s a sign of respect.
Because the reality is, there was an intimate relationship there at one point. And what oftentimes happens, because there’s so many weak men in society and rejection breeds obsession, guys that don’t know any better, guys that aren’t aren’t familiar with my work, they’re hoping to get another chance with this girl. They think, sticking around in friend zone, “Oh, when she breaks up with that guy, finally, I’ll get another chance with her.” That’s the only real reason these dudes stick around like that, especially if they’re talking constantly and they’re getting together and person constantly.
I can understand if maybe once or twice a year they talk on the phone to catch up, that’s not a big deal. But when it’s frequent, on a weekly basis, they talk a couple of times a week, then I would be looking at that and wondering, “Well, if your relationship is so great with your new boyfriend, why are you talking with an ex-boyfriend as much on the phone as you probably are talking to your current boyfriend on the phone?” That would tell me that the new boyfriend is not meeting her needs and is probably part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. Because a lot of women settle for guys and marry guys that they’re not in love with, and the guys have absolutely no idea.
That’s why it’s essential if you read How To Be A 3% Man, that you understand it. Because you’ll be able to tell when a woman is in love and when she’s not, based upon her actions. And there are specific things that women do when they are in love. There are specific things that they say when they’re in love. And, obviously, How To Be A 3% Man goes over that.
And that’s the thing that you’re not going to get from the guys in the red pill community that just complain about women and single moms and talk about how horrible they are. They don’t have any techniques. They don’t have any strategies. They’ve got nothing that’s going to help you with that. They just think, “Well, if you get yourself a virgin, then magically she’ll just be loyal to you.”
I hope you are doing well. Your material has transformed my life in numerous ways. I am just going through something with my girlfriend that is a little unusual to me, and I could definitely use your help. I have read your book 4 times so far and will continue to re-read it over time. I would say I am quite familiar with the fundamentals at this point in my life.
I would say if you’ve only read the book four times, you are bullshitting yourself. You are absolutely not familiar with the fundamentals. This is the delusion that a lot of guys get in, because they’re like, “Hey, I’ve got a girlfriend now. Everything’s going great between us. She’s just amazing. I read your book four times. I’ve got these fundamentals. I’m different, I’m special. I don’t need to read this book 10 to 15 times.” Keep in mind, a human being is going to memorize or learn something about 8-10% of it each time they go through it. So, if you’ve been through my book four times, you maybe have committed to memory, 25-30% of the material, so there’s still 75% of it that you don’t have down.
I’ve been doing this a long time. I’ve done thousands and thousands and thousands of phone sessions over the years, and guys that have this attitude like you do, that you’ve got it all down and you know all the fundamentals, are the guys that make the biggest fuck-ups. So, I’m hoping to shake you to wake you up.
I have applied what you teach over the last year, and I have gotten nothing but positive results. From all of the women that I have been having fun with, I found a real keeper.
You don’t know what you don’t know.
We have been exclusive for about 4 months.
You really don’t know. People can hide you they are for ninety days, dude. And depending on how well you applied the fundamentals is going to determine how much time you spend together. Because it might be extended. I don’t know how much time you’ve spent together or how much time you spent dating before you became exclusive.
I have been playing the field in the past, but this one just knocks my socks off. She has been the most loyal girlfriend that I have ever had.
You’ve been together four months, dude. You’re still in the honeymoon phase. You’re still in La La Land. You’re projecting your fantasy of what you want onto this girl, and there’s some red flags, especially around this guy here. And you’re going, “Oh, this is fine. This is fine. It’ll be okay.”
She tells me everything, which I am very thankful for.
Well, that’s a good sign that she does tell you everything, because if she doesn’t trust you or is worried what you’re going to think, she’ll keep it to herself.
She has many guy friends.
But that does not bother me, since I believe that I am a valuable catch for her.
See, that’s kind of delusional. And again, this is why you read the book 10 to 15 times. Because I used to think like that once. There were some characteristics in a girlfriend that I ignored when we met. She was actually hanging out with an ex-boyfriend at the time, but they were still basically friends with benefits. But they were ‘just friends.’ That’s what she told me initially. But I found out several months later that when we first met, they were still actually sleeping together. And me in my youthful ignorance thought, “I’m such a good dude. This will never happen to me. She’s going to see what a great dude I am. She would never do anything like that to me.”
One of her close guy friends is coming back to town after being away for some time. The other day, she told me something important about him. She wanted to tell me everything, because I will likely be meeting him at a friend gathering soon.
Well, that’s great if you’re going to be there, and she’s going to be there, and other people are going to be there. But if it’s just her and this dude meeting out together, having drinks, that’s not appropriate. Those are the actions that don’t value loyalty and monogamy. And all you have to do is flip it around and go, “How would you feel if I was hanging out on a frequent basis and talking all the time to an ex-girlfriend that I used to hook up and sleep with and who still wants to sleep with me? And I was doing this behind your back or when you weren’t there.” She’s not going to feel comfortable with that. I don’t care what she says.
She told me that when she and this guy first met, they became friends, (mainly because the guy had a girlfriend and was taken). When the guy broke up with his girlfriend, they tried sleeping together and being more than friends, but it never worked out after a few weeks.
So, more than likely she friend zoned him because he was too much of a pussy. And, therefore, he stuck around hoping he was going to get another chance, thinking, “If I’m just super nice to her, eventually, I’ll get another shot.”
My girlfriend told me that they were not good together romantically and the guy would be a crappy boyfriend.
Probably because he’s a bitch, but she likes the attention and validation, obviously.
She told me that the fling didn’t work out at all, so they decided to go back to just being friends.
‘They’ decided, sure, I would say it was her. She decided to put him in friend zone.
Apparently, they both made the mature decision that they were better off being friends.
I would say it was probably all her, and he just went along with it because, again, he’s a spineless pussy.
And they would still continue seeing each other as friends, since they still have a strong connection.
How would you feel about that? Your girlfriend or your wife hanging out with a guy on a frequent basis and talking all the time, because they have a ‘strong connection.’ Well, obviously your connection to her is not as strong, because if you were fulfilling all of her needs, or wants, or desires, and you’re making her feel heard and understood, she’s never going to want to hang out with this guy unless you’re there, because he’s not going to want to do anything to screw up your relationship, or have the potential to screw up your relationship, or have the potential for something just to look like it’s inappropriate.
My girlfriend talks to this guy often and they spend some time together as friends.
So, who’s calling who? Is this dude reaching out to her all the time? How much is she reaching out to him? If he’s reaching out to her all the time, that means he’s hoping to steal her away from you. That’s what’s really going on. And I would tactfully ask these questions. When they’re talking or she brings him up next time, It’s like, “What percentage would you say this guy is contacting you first, versus you reaching out to him first?” See what she says.
And then, if she’s reaching out to this guy a lot, or a high percentage, what is in their friendship or their conversations, or what does she need his opinion on that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough coming to you? Because if you’re her rock and her mountain, she’s going to be coming to you, her number one.
I understand that I can’t control what my girlfriend does, and I must love in such a way to make her feel free.
Yeah, you want to just see what she does with this situation, because this is the perfect type of setup for you to just kind of hang back and let her believe that you trust her completely to see if she slips up. Because this is a lot of red flags here. This is not a normal situation. And more than likely, she friend zoned him and that’s why he stuck around. If he had friend zoned her and wasn’t interested, he would have moved on. But the fact that he stuck around all this time, he still wants another chance.
If I was in Las Vegas, I’d be putting my money on that. And, oftentimes, the guy will be like, “Oh yeah, I’m fine with being friends,” and women believe that. But the reality is the dude is still calling and texting all the time. It’s like, no, he wants another chance.
I just wanted to hear your insight on how you would deal with this situation, and what you would do if you were to meet this guy in person.
I’d meet him in person. Go hang out with your other friends in the group when you get to your get together, and just watch her and him interact. Is she touching his arm? Is she playing with her hair? If she’s doing all the things that show signs of attraction, like my book talks about, then you have something to be concerned about. Is he touching her? Is she bumping into that guy? Watch their interactions out of the corner of your eye, to the point where she doesn’t know you’re looking, but you’re going to kind of pay attention, in a way where you can just kind of observe. Because, again, you want to be Sherlock Holmes.
You don’t know what you don’t know. So, how does she behave around him when she thinks that you’re not paying attention? That’s what you want to do. You want to make her feel totally safe and totally comfortable that you’re not worried or upset in any way or concerned that something might be going on. You just want to be an observer. And so, if you notice her touching his arm, and standing too close, and laughing at everything he says, then that’s obviously a conversation you need to have afterwards, (not in front of everybody).
Do you think it is reasonable that my girlfriend continues to hang around with this guy?
Thank you for your help,
Only if you’re there. Out of respect to you and your relationship, she’s going to want you there. She’s going to want you there, because think about it from this perspective. Remember, group dates, we talk about group dates a lot. And women will have other people, their friends or girlfriends, there as the cock blockers to prevent any kind of seduction from happening. And out of respect to you and your relationship, she’s going to want to have other people there as well and not be just her in him.
Again, all you have to do is ask her, “How would you feel that if I had three of my ex-girlfriends I used to sleep with calling and texting me all the time, and wanting to hang out with me one-on-one and have drinks? And of these three girlfriends, maybe one or two a week, I get together with and have drinks, and you’re not there, and I never tell you what we talk about. How would you feel about that?” She wouldn’t like it.
“Do you think it is reasonable that my girlfriend continues to hang around with this guy?” Like I said, only if you’re there in person. Somebody that values loyalty and monogamy and who thinks the world of you, a woman who admires you, who respects you, who looks up to you is not going to want to do anything to fuck that up. Therefore, if this guy wants to hang out in person, she’d be like, “Well, let me see if my boyfriend is available.”
And if he asks her to hang out in person, just her and him, she’s going to say, “That wouldn’t be appropriate, because I have a boyfriend now, and I wouldn’t want him to think anything potentially was going on between us.” It’s nice that she fully disclosed that they used to sleep together, but by the same token, if she wants you to be 100% certain that she’s loyal and faithful to you, she’s going to make sure 100% that any time she’s around this guy that you’re there.
And then, even when she hangs up with this guy, say you know she’s talking to him, it’s like, “Oh, who was that?” “Oh, that was Bob.” “Oh, yeah, what’s up with Bob?” and she tells you what was going on. If she doesn’t tell you what Bob had to say after they just spent two hours talking on the phone, then things would be a little suspect. So again, you’ve got to look at her actions and what she does, not what she says.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“A woman who has male friends they used to date and sleep with, but later put into friend zone, are entertaining beta male orbiters who still desire to date and sleep with them again and are just waiting for the right opportunity to get another chance with her. Loyal and faithful people who respect their new lovers will only get together with their exes who are now just friends when their new partners are there. Women who are selfish, disloyal, insecure and don’t respect their current partners or relationships think it’s okay to talk to and hang out with these exes alone on a frequent basis.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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