My Girlfriend’s Personal Trainer Hit On Her & She Gave Him A Massage At The Gym

What it means if your girlfriend gave a massage to her personal trainer after he hit on her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about a year after a bad breakup. Everything was textbook and she asked him to be exclusive after two months of dating and falling in love. She commented early on that she found her personal trainer to be cute when they first started dating. The other day she said he was flirting with her and asked her to give him a massage at the gym. She did it and said she felt put on the spot and couldn’t say no.

He left her house telling her he didn’t think he could trust her anymore after she told him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who has been following my work for about a year after a bad breakup, which is what led him to my work. He said everything was going textbook with this girl that he met. She even asked him to be exclusive. After two months of dating and falling in love however, she mentioned early on when they first started dating that she thought her personal trainer was cute.

As Doc Love used to say, “Women don’t lie and men don’t listen.” They disclose what’s going on. They tell you what’s going on in their lives, but they kind of leave things out. In other words, they lie by omission, if you will. It’s a need to know basis. They only tell you things that you need to know. They don’t typically volunteer the full context, but the fact that you start dating a girl and she thinks her personal trainer is cute? That’s just something to keep in mind, because down the road, which you’ll see later on in the email, the boyfriend was clearly trying to flirt with his girlfriend, is interested in her, and then on top of that, he asked her to give him a massage at the gym and she just felt like she was put on the spot and couldn’t say no, so she gave it to him.

That’s not the kind of thing that you want to hear from your girlfriend or your wife. “Oh, you know my personal trainer who’s been flirting with me and hitting on me? He asked for a massage today at the gym, and I just felt guilty. I just couldn’t say no, so I gave him a nice long massage at the gym.” “Uh, how do you expect me to feel about that? You think I’m supposed to be, ‘That’s great, honey. That’s awesome. Way to give your personal trainer more of an idea that you’re also interested in him, and you’re potentially going to reciprocate and maybe cheat on your boyfriend?'” Because that’s what any man is going to think. “I asked her for a massage. She gave it to me. She’s probably not happy with her current boyfriend, so I got a shot.” So you just gave your personal trainer the green light to continue hitting on you and trying to seduce you, because this is what happens. “Oh, I just went over to his house to get some creatine, some protein powder or this new supplement that he’s got and well, one thing led to another, he just kissed me and I just couldn’t say no. I just kind of froze and it just kind of happened. We just kind of had sex. It just kind of happened.” What are you doing going over to his house? What are you doing putting yourself into a situation?

A lady is going to go, “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend and I don’t think my boyfriend would appreciate me giving my personal trainer a massage, especially a personal trainer who is openly flirting with me.” A lady would do that. A woman that values loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity would say those things. She would deny the guy, but the fact she felt guilty and did give him an affectionate massage at the gym, like that’s inappropriate. At the end of the day, even though they’ve only been dating for two months, this is part of the vetting process.

People can hide who they are for the first 90 days of a relationship. However, there were things that she was disclosing up front because when she says she finds her personal trainer to be cute and then later on she tells him that she wants to be exclusive, and it’s not just the personal trainer, as you’ll see, there’s other guys that she’s commented on and kind of rubbed in his face, when a girl wants to be exclusive with you and tells you she’s in love with you, yet she’s telling you about all these other guys that she finds attractive or that hit on her, and it’s clear she’s giving them the green light to try, then you can just say, “Well, your personal trainer hits on you and you’re clearly not telling him no or putting your foot down. So you’re, on some level, inviting it, and you’re giving him permission to continue to try to seduce you and you’re telling me about all these other guys that you know or that you like or commenting on how attractive they are. The way you behave, you behave like you’re single and it’s open season. So if you’re trying to get me to commit to you romantically when you’re still operating in the world by giving other men the green light to seduce you, that doesn’t give me a feeling of comfort that you intend on being loyal. We can continue to date, but to be exclusive when this shit’s still going on? I just assume I’m probably one of the guys that you’re dating. So you haven’t done anything to show me that you value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, commitment.”

At the end of the day, women that are into that, that are loyal, oftentimes they’ll come out and go, “I only date one guy at a time,” even after they’ve asked you to be exclusive when you’re just not there yet. They will let you know that they only want to date you, and they’re not going to rub other men in your face like this girl does. So when you hear these sayings, it shows you that her value system is not really the same as yours.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach.

I have been listening to 3% Man on audio every week. I’ve read the physical copy twice. I’m a teacher in the daytime and I do stand up comedy at night, so my schedule and time to read is extremely limited. I’ve done pretty well with women over the years, but I’m amazed at how much you have helped me by setting definite dates, choosing the place where we go, being decisive, letting her express her feelings first (I.E., the cat and dog analogy) and just staying in my center.

I had a relationship end a year ago which is when I discovered your work. I took six months off to get my finances right and began dating again. I had a lot of success. I recently met a gal who is 33. I’m 38. I did everything like you said to a T. She fell in love about the two month mark. She asked me to be exclusive. She’s extremely intelligent and comes from a good family. Well, she sometimes makes comments about how she finds dudes attractive. I don’t like this and I expressed it to her, but I also remembered how much you talk about being tested so I just let it go. She eventually stopped.

She had mentioned her personal trainer is cute before we were together. It made me feel weird.

You know when she says that, if you’re out on a date with a girl and she’s like, “Oh, my personal trainer is so hot,” I would say, “Why are you telling me this? Why is this information I need to know? What’s the point of you telling me that your personal trainer is cute or hot or whatever?” Get her to explain herself instead of just going, “Yep, this is great.”

But who cares, because I had been seeing other women too. Anyhow, she’s been really honest. She started to tell me he flirts with her. I told her that, “As long as you don’t flirt back, I don’t have a problem.”

Well, I would say, “Why is your personal trainer flirting with you?” Because I don’t know when this happened, but if it’s around the time she’s asking me to be exclusive, it’s like, “Well, why are you encouraging your personal trainer to continue flirting with you instead of saying, ‘Hey, I’m seeing somebody,’ or ‘Hey, I have a boyfriend?'” A lady is going to go, “Hey, I’m sorry, it’s a little inappropriate. I have a boyfriend and you need to respect my relationship. I’m honored that you’re interested, but it’s inappropriate. We need to keep this professional.” That’s what a lady is going to do. A chick who belongs to the streets or who doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, I mean, she found this guy cute, and he’s flirting with her. So on some level, she has to be giving him the green light to try. In other words, she’s not telling him to pump the brakes. She likes the attention.

Part of the vetting process, especially if somebody wants you to be exclusive is, is she actually going to be loyal? Is she going to honor the commitment? Because if after when you first started dating, she’s telling you how cute the guy is and then on top of that, oh by the way, he’s flirting with her, “As long as you don’t flirt back,” well, she needs to nip that shit in the bud. She needs to tell him to knock it off because she has a boyfriend, or she’s dating somebody and it’s inappropriate, but she didn’t do that. On top of that, you told her it was OK. “Hey, it’s OK if he flirts with you. As long as you don’t flirt back.” That’s a bad move.

Again, say this happened before you became exclusive or right around the time that she wants you to become exclusive and she’s like, “Hey, I really want to be boyfriend/girlfriend,” or “I want to be exclusive. Where is this going?” And she brings it up and I’m like, “Are you saying you want to be exclusive?” She’s like, “Yes.” I’d be like, “Well, why would I want to be exclusive when you flirt with your personal trainer and he’s clearly hitting on you and you’re not telling him to stop? You’re not saying you’re seeing anybody. On some level, you’re giving him the green light to try. So why would I want to be exclusive with you when you’re still giving, even though we’ve been dating and sleeping with each other? Why? You’re giving your personal trainer the green light to try to seduce you. Why haven’t you told him about me? Why haven’t you told him to knock it off and keep it professional, or you’re going to get a different personal trainer? You obviously like the guy because you told me you liked him when we first met and he’s still flirting with you, and you’re not telling him, ‘Hey, you’re crossing a boundary here.’ So that is not the kind of thing I would want to see or hear from somebody who’s trying to convince me that I need to be your boyfriend, or should be your boyfriend, or is asking me to be your boyfriend. That sounds like you’re just disloyal and not a trustworthy person.”

“So we can continue to date, but that shit’s going to have to stop. So either you tell him to stop and knock it off, or you’re just going to get somebody else to train with, because I know you like the guy. You said he was cute and he’s flirting with you and you haven’t told him to stop. So on some level, you like it. You’re giving him permission to. You’re inviting the attention. You’re inviting him to keep trying. So I’m not going to become exclusive with you when you’re behaving that way. I’d be stupid. You just look like somebody that’s not capable of loyalty, and you want to lock me up while you continue to flirt with your trainer? I don’t think so.”

Then she told me she had given him a massage in the gym because he asked for one. I walked out of her house and was extremely upset. I told her I don’t know if I can trust her anymore.

I’d be like, “Well, we’re in an exclusive relationship at this point and you don’t have the guts to tell a guy no? What if he pulls his pants down and asks you to suck his dick? Are you going to go, ‘Oh, I just couldn’t say no?’ Or he starts kissing you and making out with you, and then you have sex, ‘Oh, it just kind of happened. I just couldn’t say no to him?’ These are not things that engender trust in me towards you. That I can trust what you’re saying. That I can trust that you’ll be loyal. It’s like you’re telling me this because you feel guilty. It’s highly inappropriate, yet you’re still encouraging this behavior.” So it starts with a massage. Then it’s like, “Hey, why don’t we go grab lunch after we work out?” Or, “Hey, let’s go have a few drinks after we work out,” if it’s in the evening, “You’re not telling this guy no. You’re giving them the green light to try.”

She said she told me because he asked her and she felt put on the spot.

This is obviously a yellow flag, but is it worth leaving the relationship over. She is all over me all the time, she told me she loves me at the three month mark and it’s been almost five months now.

Yeah, if you’re five months in a relationship, I was thinking it was like two months in. It was five months in the relationship when this is happening, and your girlfriend is giving massages to the personal trainer who’s hitting on her, who even after five months of dating and three months of exclusivity, is not saying, “I’m sorry, that would be inappropriate. I have a boyfriend? He wouldn’t like it if I was giving my personal trainer a massage, and out of respect for my relationship and my boyfriend, I wouldn’t do that,” but that didn’t happen. So that tells me her value system is just probably she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. She thinks it’s OK. She comes from a really good family. What does that mean? You’ve judged her to come from a good family. Just because her parents are together doesn’t mean they’re good. If her dad’s a bitch and he’s soft and the mother walks all over him or has cheated on him, that’s not coming from a good family. So like I said, it really looks like you got a value system conflict here.

It definitely hurt my trust with her and I want to try to vet women better. I really, really like her and see a future with this woman…

Well, you can’t have a future with somebody that’s not going to be loyal and honor the commitment they made to you. It doesn’t look like she’s honoring the commitment. It just looks like she likes the attention from her trainer. She’s not telling him no, he asks her for a massage, and she willingly gave it to him. That’s not OK.

…But this bothered me. Keep up the great work and thank you.

Bob

Well, you can have a conversation with her, but it’s like you’re five months into a relationship, and she thinks that this is OK? You need to definitely have a conversation with her about this. Like, why would you want to be exclusive with a woman that does this? Because again, in her mind, if she ever sleeps with a guy, “Well, it’s just kind of happened.” Just like the massage just kind of happened. She couldn’t say no. We know she likes him. She’s been constantly for five months still giving this guy the green light instead of, “He’s creeping me out. I don’t like his attention. He doesn’t respect our relationship.” A lady would have just told him to stop and that would have nipped it in the bud. Instead, she’s going, “Keep going, buddy. You’re doing great.” I wouldn’t want to put up with that.

So you can set the healthy boundary and tell her like, “That’s not going to work. If you want me to be exclusive to you, you’re not going to be giving massages to other men that you find attractive and who are flirting with you and hitting on you,” but you did tell her it’s OK if, “He continues to flirt with you, as long as you don’t flirt back.” That was stupid on your part. You shouldn’t have said that. That can’t happen. It’s like, “You want me to be exclusive, you’re not going to flirt with your personal trainer who you think is cute. It’s like you’re rubbing this guy in my face, and you expect me to be exclusive to you because of that? I don’t think so. If you really cared and you really wanted me to be exclusive and wanted me to know that you were loyal, you would just get somebody else to train you. Maybe you train with a chick, but it doesn’t look like you’re doing anything to stop this guy, because even after five months, he’s still flirting with you.” Again, you told her it was OK. So that’s on you. That was dumb. I would not have definitely not done that.

Again, from her actions, if we just bottom line her actions, it doesn’t look like she’s a very loyal person. It looks like, “Oh, I just couldn’t say no.” It’s like the hot bar female bartender that, “Well, he’s been a regular for years, and he’s tipped me thousands and thousands of dollars, and it was just lunch.” Or, “He just wanted to take me out for a few drinks. I didn’t want to say no because I didn’t want to lose him as a client. So we went to dinner. We had a few drinks. Don’t be mad. We went to dinner. I had a little bit too much to drink and then we ended up in his car. We ended up back at his place and it just kind of happened. I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me.” No, thank you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.