My Insecure Girlfriend Wants To Moderate My Social Media

What it means & what you should do if your girlfriend wants to moderate your social media.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has an insecure girlfriend who wants to moderate who is in his friends list on social media. She has unreasonable demands that he remove women he went to grade school with and hasn’t talked to in years. Every few weeks she’s getting upset about someone else on there.

Now they haven’t spoken in days after he refused her last request. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s obviously got an insecure girlfriend. He says about every two weeks she comes to him with somebody else, some other woman that’s on his social media. Oftentimes it’s somebody he grew up with, went to grade school with, hasn’t talked to in years. She doesn’t like the girl, probably because she’s pretty or whatever, “Oh, you need to remove her,” and he just kind of got tired. He would do it to please her. Now he’s just like, “This is ridiculous. Like a lot of these people I haven’t even seen in forever.” She didn’t care. So now they haven’t talked for like a week and she removed him from all social media.

So one of the things you gotta recognize is that liars and cheaters tend to assume everybody is like them. If somebody’s constantly accusing you of doing something or being disloyal, usually they’re projecting because remember, as the book says, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So if you’re dating somebody or in a relationship with somebody, and they’re constantly accusing you of doing things you shouldn’t be doing with members of the opposite sex, usually what that really means is they’re behaving in inappropriate ways and assuming you’re doing the same. So that’s not a good sign for them and their ability to be loyal and faithful. It makes them look suspect because again, we tend to project.

As a man, if you got people that you grew up with, I mean, I have lots of people that I remember when Facebook first came out, people that I went to elementary school with that I hadn’t seen in decades, basically that we reconnected, said, “Hey, how are you?” Occasionally, a couple times a year, I might go in there and see what everybody’s up to. Other than that, if I had a girlfriend that was behaving the way this one was, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend for very long because I wouldn’t put up with that crap. That is just kind of absurd behavior and unreasonable. Nobody wants to deal with it.

At the end of the day, you want a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, she’s nice to you, she’s not constantly getting butt-hurt over who you’re following on social media, especially if you’re not even that active on it. It’s understandable if you’re constantly liking and following new girls who post nothing but thirst traps, then that’s going to obviously look like you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing and you’re looking for other girls. When it’s people that have been on your social media for years and you don’t really have much contact, if any, with them, but occasionally you’d like to see what’s going on with them or their kids, or people that you grew up with, just to see how people’s lives turned out, which that’s kind of normal. If you got a neurotic woman in your life that’s behaving like this one, you gotta put her in her place. You got to set healthy boundaries, and you got to tell her to knock it off. It looks like he’s had these conversations with her before and she just continues to do it.

The other thing you got to remember is no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So he’s been kind of a people pleaser by going along with it because he’s figuring, “Hey, let’s go along to get along. I don’t want to cause any problems. Let me just delete this person. I haven’t talked to him in forever,” but then it’s like every other week she’s coming to him with somebody new. Then now it’s the point where it’s annoying and he just doesn’t want to comply anymore. Now she’s basically giving him the silent treatment.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I hope you’re doing well. I’m reaching out because I’d really appreciate your perspective on a situation I’ve been dealing with in my relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while now, and overall things have been good, but there’s a recurring issue that’s starting to concern me. She works night shifts and our schedules are a bit different, but the main challenge has been around social media and interactions with other women.

Over time, she has asked me to remove certain women from my social media, usually people I’ve known from the past, such as old classmates or acquaintances. I’ve tried to be understanding and have removed people before to keep the peace and show respect for her feelings. However, this has become a pattern where every week or two, there seems to be a new person she brings up, and I’m put in a position where I’m expected to remove them or face an argument.

Well, does that sound like she’s easygoing, easy to get along with, and she’s nice to you? Is she making your dick hard or is she making your life hard? Because that sure sounds like she’s making your life hard. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody that is behaving this way. This is part of the vetting process, because you have a choice as well, and whether or not you choose to give exclusivity to somebody in order to win your exclusivity, they’re going to be willing to treat you properly and respect your boundaries, not badger you or nag you until you get to comply.

Something to remember about this is that women that have a bad relationship with their fathers or their fathers are beta males that they walk all over and they disrespect, they grew up expecting to disrespect men, then you come along, they’re going to expect to treat you the same way that they treat their father. The odds of you getting them to treat you differently than they treat their dad, if they grew up not respecting men, the chances of them respecting you are not good. Again, you got to set the boundaries and see if they respect them. At the end of the day, you should be the law of the land in your house. You are daddy, and when you say something, she should be like, “Yes, daddy.”

I don’t engage in any inappropriate behavior, and these connections are harmless, which makes it difficult for me to feel like I’m being fair to myself.

Recently, the situation escalated when she saw that I still had a female classmate from over ten years ago on my social media. She confronted me and told me to remove her, but this time I calmly refused because I felt I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

If it was me, I’d be like, “Look, I grew up with her. I haven’t talked to her in 10 years. I occasionally want to see what my classmates are doing as we go through life. No, I’m not going to remove them. That’s just ridiculous. You need to trust me. If you don’t, we’re going to have problems that you’re creating. So I don’t want any drama,” because this is part of it.

Remember, when you’re dating and you’re vetting somebody, however you allow them to treat you is how they’re going to expect to treat you all throughout the relationship. If you’ve been willing in the dating phase, when you first start dating to jump through your butt to please her, then she’s always going to expect it. In other words, you trained her that this was OK behavior. So now you’re, some period of time, down the road, maybe a year or two in your relationship, and she has come to expect that you’re going to comply with her wishes and you allow yourself to be bullied and intimidated.

What a lot of guys do in the beginning, because they really want a girlfriend, they really want to be with the particular girl, is they do these things in order to please her and be nice with her. So they get in a relationship, but after they’re out of the honeymoon phase, which is usually after about a year or more, then they kind of resent these things because at this point, they have enough time where they feel comfortable that she’s theirs and she’s not going to go anywhere. Then they want to start asserting themselves, but the whole time they’ve been together, they’ve basically been jumping through their butt to please her. Now they don’t want to jump through their butt anymore and that’s going to create problems. You basically created a bridezilla on your hands.

She reacted strongly, saying I was choosing other women over her and that I was disrespecting her.

I would’ve just been like, “You’re being ridiculous. I grew up with her. I want to know what happens to her as we go through life. You need to get over it.”

Since then, she has removed me from all social media and hasn’t reached out for several days. It’s been a week since she has.

OK, so she’s accusing you of not respecting the relationship, and here she is basically removing you. Say she just disappears and you don’t hear from her again and you guys just basically break up. It would not be surprising at all to see this woman in a few weeks with some other dude, and all that would reveal is that she’s been the one that’s been disloyal this whole time, and was the one talking to somebody else, and because you didn’t comply with her wishes, she just jumped to the new guy.

I guess the question is, should I reach out…

Nope. You didn’t do anything wrong.

…And ask what she wants to do from now on…

No, because you’re the leader. You’re in charge. This is your world. You are the king of your kingdom. She needs to submit and respect you and your family connections, the people you grew up with, and stop with these ridiculous, unreasonable requests, because the more she pushes on this, the more she’s insecure about other women, then you got to start questioning her, because the only reason she should be insecure and worried about cheating at this level is if she’s doing things with other people she shouldn’t be doing. So then you need to start looking at her social media, maybe looking at her phone and what she’s doing when you’re not around. You did say you work different shifts. She works late at night. Who knows what happens.

Especially if you’re in the bar in the restaurant business and she goes out after work with some of the girls she works with and has drinks. I’ll guarantee you, some of the dudes that she works with are also going to be there, and if she’s cute and relatively hot, some of those guys are trying to get into her pants. So is she putting herself in situations when she works late to where she’s inviting attention from other men, allowing other men to hit on her. It’s also possible that she’s picking a fight over this because she’s lost attraction and respect, because women will do this. They’ll pick a fight over something that’s ridiculous in the relationship and you’ll think, “Oh wow, if I had just complied with that request, we’d still be together.” No, she picked a ridiculous fight to blow up your relationship because she was planning on leaving anyways, and she just happened to point the finger at that one event. “Oh, you didn’t do this and this is why I left.” No, they were planning to do that. So there’s a little bit of that going on here potentially as well.

Remember the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. If she’s removed you from social media like that, that’s basically her saying to the world you’re no longer my boyfriend. That’s a very public hairy middle finger to you and your relationship. So she’s just gone off the deep end. Like I said, just by the fact that you mentioned that she works late at night, I’m assuming maybe it’s the bar or restaurant business and the fact she’s removing you from social media, then the question becomes, what is she telling the people she works with and the people that know you guys? Because they’re gonna be like, “Why are you guys removed from social media?” That’s typically what somebody does when they’re breaking up with you.

So maybe she picked a fight with you over your social media, when in reality she was just looking for a reason to pick a fight so she could break up with you and go be with whoever she’s potentially monkey-branching with. That’s why in this case, I wouldn’t do anything because she’s the one that’s out of line, and she’s the one that needs to stop this because unless she stops it, your relationship is just not going to work long term, especially if you always comply with these wishes.

So he hasn’t heard from her in several days. It’s been a week.

…Or should I continue no-contact and wait till she reaches out?

Well again, she’s the one that disappeared. She’s the one that stormed off. You’ve basically gotten to the point where you’re just like, “I’m done with this. I’m not complying with any more of this ridiculous nonsense.” If she wants to go run off and be with somebody else, then great. Don’t let the door hit her in the ass on her way out, and you’ll move on and you’ll find somebody else. Maybe one of the girls from social media.

I care about her and I want the relationship to work…

Well, it takes two to tango, and what she did was very unloving. That’s like a public, hairy middle finger and telling the world that now she’s single. That’s what it looks like. So she’s going to behave that way. She’s not bringing you closer together. She’s pulling you guys apart. That’s all 100% her doing and not yours.

…But I’m starting to feel like I’m being tested repeatedly and that my boundaries aren’t being respected.

Yeah, your boundaries clearly aren’t being respected and she doesn’t respect you. Part of the problem is that you trained her to be this way. You allowed this to continue, it looks like, during the duration of your relationship.

At the same time, I don’t want to dismiss her feelings if there’s something I could be handling better.

Honestly, dude, it looks like she’s the disloyal one here. Especially her schedule and the fact you haven’t heard from her and she removed you from social media completely, that’s like her way of telling the world that now she’s single and not in a relationship. The only way a woman’s going to do that if she doesn’t really value the relationship and her interest is low. If she’s super in love with you and worried about losing you, she’s never going to do something like that, but if she’s on the way out and she does it, well it just looks like your relationship was already over and now you’re just finding out.

I’d really value your advice on how to approach this situation in a way that maintains my self-respect while also giving the relationship the best chance to succeed.

Well, the only way it’s going to succeed is if she knocks this shit off.

Thank you for your time and for all the content you put out. It’s been very helpful.

Best Regards,

Bob

Say you don’t hear from her. If you don’t hear from her in 30 days, then you’re single and you’re a free agent. I would just move on with your life. If I’m a betting man, there’s a 50/50 shot she’s already lined up another guy and it’s probably hanging out with him, and that’s why she removed you from social media. Again, this was just the excuse to cause a fight over something that’s nothing to end the relationship when she was already checked out of it and you’re just now finding out about it.

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