What you should do if your girlfriend is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive to have a drama free life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive towards him. She has a stressful job and brings this stress home with her and takes it out of him. When she is not working and has extended time off, she is sweet, playful and fun and generally has a good attitude.
She is now seeing a therapist, but he is worn out from her constant abuse and asks what he can do to keep her sweet and playful. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is a good email about the importance of setting, but most importantly, enforcing healthy boundaries, because if you set boundaries and then you don’t enforce them, you’re going to have problems. Don’t enable bad behavior by putting up with it. Remember, the strongest negotiating position is always being able to walk away, and most importantly, mean it when you walk away.
I trust that you’re doing well!
Yes, thank you very much.
Hopefully you can answer my question in your next video newsletter.
Well, guess what? You’re in luck.
I am stuck with what to do about my current girlfriend of almost 2 years. I am 26, and she is 30. She’s an intelligent and strong-willed woman who values relationship integrity.
That’s nice, but remember, we’re looking for somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, so you can have a sweet drama free life. You should have this rule, no drama allowed from anybody in your life.
I’ve read your first book about 12 times and purchased all versions, (print, digital, and audio). My girlfriend told me that I’m her most serious relationship, as all of her ex-boyfriends cheated on her in the past.
So obviously, that’s a red flag. That either means that she has a low self-esteem, doesn’t think very highly of herself, and she keeps attracting the same kind of person into her life. And potentially, maybe she’s a cheater also, because...
She doesn’t have the greatest family; her mother runs the house and her father cheated on her mom a few years ago, but they are still together.
So, she comes from a family of cheaters. All of her ex-boyfriends are cheaters. Typically, that means she’s either a bad judge of character or she probably is a cheater herself.
She loves both of her parents and visits them frequently.
Well, that’s a good sign, but the reality is it was a piss poor example being set at home. However, me personally, I’ve had several girlfriends in the past that, I mean, cheating is pretty common, especially with people that got married young and were successful and had been with their wives their whole life. That’s pretty stunning when you think about it.
It’s usually the man that cheats on the woman. And some of the girlfriends I’ve had, some that I wrote about in the book, it’s usually there’s like one affair. It happened eventually. It went on for a period of time, they found out about it. The guy usually left for a bit, a few weeks or a few months, and he came back. They worked it out, they stayed together. But the bottom line, they cheated.
That’s why it’s important to play the field to see what is out there before you sign on the dotted line, especially when you get the government involved, which me personally, I’m not a fan of. I don’t believe I’ll ever get married again involving the government, maybe a civil marriage potentially. But I don’t ever see myself getting married involving the government, because if you want to get out of it later on, it’s a nightmare, especially in some states.
The problem lies in her job: she absolutely hates it. She’s been a paramedic for almost 7 years and does anything she can to avoid work such as calling in sick, using vacation days, and taking “stress leave” for sometimes months at a time.
So, if you’re with somebody and they constantly work at a job they hate, they’re going to be miserable. And the reality is, this is how most people live. Most average people, this is their life, this is their reality. They hate their jobs, they hate their lives, often hate the people that they’re with, and they don’t do anything about it.
And because deep down they don’t believe that they’re worthy of having what they want, they’re not willing to put the time in to do the work on themselves to get what they want, and so, they just put up with it. That’s what we’re dealing with in society, is unhappy people.
When on “stress leave” and avoiding work, she is great to be around. She’s sweet, we joke around, act silly, and do the 3 H’s.
Obviously, he’s talking about hang out, have fun and hook up.
However, when she’s back to work, she becomes a total bitch towards me and others.
So, the job, yeah, it’s putting money in her bank account, but it’s not adding value to her life. She’s not getting satisfaction from it, and yet she continues to put up with it. Now, if you were a man, if the roles were reversed and this was your job, and you weren’t doing anything about it, and you constantly came home and took it out on everybody, eventually you would turn your woman off and she would leave you, because you’re complaining about your job and not doing anything about it.
And if your girl is doing that and she’s not handling the stress well, she’s got two choices: quit the job, change jobs, or you’re going to have to leave her. That’s just simply the way it is.
The past year has been rough for her. She lost all of her close friends, (they weren’t great to begin with).
Well, it sounds like she got rid of toxic people anyway, because if her peer group sucks, then she sucks. You are who you associate with. If you hang out with toxic people who take advantage of you, borrow money, don’t pay it back, they use your stuff, break your stuff, but don’t ever pay for what they break. They borrow tools, they don’t return them. These are not good people. Little things like that tell you everything about a person’s character.
I can count on one hand, at fifty-one years old, the number of great people in my life that have been in my life a long time. And I’ve interacted with and met tens of thousands of people over the course of my life, so what does that say for the state of humanity or just people in general? Good people are hard to find. Good friends are hard to find, good business partners are hard to find, and good romantic partners are extremely hard to find.
That’s why it’s so important to do the work on yourself first, like reading “How To Be A 3% Man,” like reading, “Mastering Yourself” and “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” because most people simply won’t do that. You have to do the work on yourself to become a high quality person, so you can attract other high quality people. If you’re not that high of a quality person, but yet you have the desire to improve, you’ve got to do the work on yourself, but you also have to set and enforce healthy boundaries.
And there are going to be people in your life you’re just simply not going to spend much time with or any time at all. No drama allowed. Everybody should have one of these mugs on their desks. If somebody comes to you and wants to complain about something, just go, “Really?”
And I am the only person she communicates with about her issues. Her ex-friends are partly the reason she believes people are ill-hearted and have ulterior motives.
Well, her father cheated on her mother and all of her boyfriends cheated on her. So, this tells me she absolutely sucks at reading people. And probably because she doesn’t have a very high opinion of herself, she attracts these people into her life. And this is part of your physiology.
If you’ve watched any of the videos with Dr. Dominick, D’Anna, the network chiropractic doctor and friend of mine for close to twenty years now, as he works on Gracie and Chunky, you’ll see as he goes through and he points out what their physiology is. Your issues are in your tissues. Your physiology, how you perceive yourself, your self perception determines who you hang out with, who you associate with.
If you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself, then you’re going to hang out with other people that validate that view of the world. And if you don’t have a high opinion of yourself, then you’re hanging out with other people that make you feel like you suck. They literally validate the way you perceive yourself, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That’s what’s so great about network care, is to get you out of that physiology and into a more peaceful and relaxed state, and you’ll just see the toxic people for what they are and you’ll bounce them right the fuck out of your life. I wrote about that in “Mastering yourself.” When I started getting work done by Dominick, I bounced so many people out of my fucking life permanently, and man, it was glorious. It felt great.
And it also helps you see who really matters, who really cares about you, who’s really on your team and who’s not. But if you’re stuck in that physiology where you just don’t have a great self perception, then you oftentimes won’t do anything about it. That’s why it’s such life changing work. And I encourage people to go to Orlando, his website is BeSimplyWell.com, and spend a couple of weeks there and get worked on two to three times a day for several weeks at a time, as much as you can, because it will loosen you up.
And then when you go back to your regular life, you’re completely different. Your reality filter has changed for the better, because when you’re in a more peaceful and relaxed state, you’re going to be more inclined to enforce no drama allowed in your life. Whereas, if you don’t think very highly of yourself, you’ll put up with bullshit and you’ll keep inviting more people into your life that bring more bullshit in your life.
However, she has taken steps to improve her situation. She enrolled herself in an online bachelor’s program and is on track to becoming a doctor, which will take about 8 years, (I have no doubt she’ll succeed).
I think that’s great. She’s working to better herself. That’s awesome.
She also started seeing a psychologist who told her to stop being “so negative” after their first session.
Again, if you’re surrounded by assholes, you’re going to think everybody’s an asshole. That’s reality. But if you go through life and everywhere you go, all you do is meet assholes, well, maybe you’re the asshole.
She blames me for not being “emotionally supportive”…
Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So, she’s obviously projecting, and it’s absolving herself from any personal responsibility. Whether she realizes it or not, that’s what she’s doing.
…through this long transition, but it’s difficult for me to remain positive and supportive around a person who’s constantly bitter.
The rule is, my friend, no drama allowed. No drama doesn’t mean some drama or part partial drama or lots of drama, it means no drama.
The added stress of studying, coupled with work, has caused her to have anxiety and blowups at my smallest slip-ups, (for example: not calling her in the morning like I said I would).
Dude, as a man, you have to honor your word. You have to honor your commitment. So, if you fuck up, expect repercussions. Obviously, she shouldn’t be going overboard, but she should be calling you out on the fact that you didn’t honor your word. Because when a man doesn’t honor his word to a woman he’s in a relationship with, it makes her feel unsafe and uncomfortable.
And people complain, “Why is it a man’s job to make a woman feel safe and comfortable?” Because you’re a fucking man, that’s why. If you’re a bitch whose balls haven’t dropped yet, then don’t date women, stay single by yourself, and then you don’t have to worry about it. If you want to have a good, healthy relationship, not just with your significant other, but all of the women in your life, your female co-workers, your aunts, your friends’ wives, people that you know, your clients, you’ve got to learn to be a man of your word and be in your masculine energy.
We’ve had conversations about her behavior, and she expects me to stay with her through this transition, because that’s “what a boyfriend should do.”
Yeah, exactly. But you don’t put up with her drama or her bullshit.
Perhaps she feels this way because her parents are together despite the cheating.
Yeah, “We’re just in it for the kids. We’re going to work through it.” Plus, her boyfriends cheated on her and her friends sucked.
In my heart I feel the moral obligation to stay in the relationship, but at the same time I feel like her negativity is weighing me down and that she may never change.
It’s not your job to fix or save somebody, they must participate in their own rescue.
Am I not being the supportive boyfriend that I should be?
Well, you’ve got to honor your word, most importantly. But number two, you’ve got to enforce healthy boundaries, dude. You’re going to say, “Look, you’re being abusive to me right now. You can’t talk to me like that.” And if she just keeps up, you’ll be like, “I’ve asked you nicely, I’ve asked you lovingly if you’re upset, let’s talk about it. Tell me what’s going on. I want to know.”
“But if you’re going to sit there and call me names, and cut me out, and yell and scream at me, you can get your little ass in your car and go back home to Mommy and Daddy or go back to your house, because I don’t want to hear it. And when you’re ready to be sweet and mature and loving and kind and talk things out in an adult manner, I’d love to. That would be wonderful. But I’m not going to put up with your shit. I’m not going to put up with your abuse. You’ve got to be nice to me.”
Women who are normal, who are healthy and you can have an easy, effortless relationship, they’ll say, “I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m sorry for being such a bitch.” That’s what they’ll say. Narcissists, lunatics, chicks that have got bad relationships or nonexistent relationships with their father will storm off and just be a cunt about it. I had one girlfriend my whole life that was like that, and she’s the only one I don’t talk to or keep in touch with or know what’s going on in her life, because she was an asshole, and I don’t put up with assholes.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I set and enforced healthy boundaries, but she wouldn’t respect them, because that’s just the way she was. And she is out of here! And it felt good. It feels good to get rid of toxic people. It felt good to get rid of my toxic business partners, and it felt good to get rid of my toxic “friends” that I used to have. And now I just have mostly good people in my life, mostly great people, some good people. But any assholes, they go right on down the fucking road.
At fifty-one years old, the older you get, it’s like, you just don’t care. You don’t want to put up with shit. Be nice, be kind, be respectful, be easygoing, easy to get along with. Honor your fucking word. If you talk a bunch of shit and then you don’t follow through, I have zero use for you in my life. I don’t want to deal with people like that, and I don’t. Say what you mean, mean when you say, or go on down the fucking road.
Am I not giving her enough?
Well, like I said, there’s the one thing, that you didn’t honor your word about calling her when you said you were going to. That’s on you. But everything else, that’s on her.
Or does she need to seek help and get her life in order before being in a relationship?
Any insight is appreciated Coach!
Well, news flash, you’re already in a relationship with this girl, and you have been for two years. You’re going to have to set and enforce healthy boundaries. You’ve got to say, “Look babe, I love you, but you’re bringing this stress home. You’ve got two choices: quit your job and get a different job, or stop taking it out on me, because I’m done putting up with this shit. If you’re not going to be sweet and you’re not going to be loving, I don’t want to be around you. Sorry.”
So if she’s like, “You’re not being a supportive boyfriend,” it’s like, “Being a supportive boyfriend does not mean I have to put up with your verbal, emotional and mental abuse. I have enough stress in my life. When I come home, I want you to be my joy. I’m want to smile when I see you. I want to be excited to see you. I want to see you jump in my arms and be kind.”
Or, as a side note, if you make enough money, then she can be a stay at home girlfriend or whatever, or just get a part time job, something that’s stress free that she likes. But, like you said, you’ve got to set these healthy boundaries and hold her accountable to it. And if she disrespects them and she continually crosses them, then you tell her to leave — leave your house, go home, go stay with her parents, go back to her place. I don’t know if they live together because he didn’t say that.
You’re enabling your behavior, because here’s another quote for you, “no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.” And you’re inviting this behavior, because you keep putting up with it. Like I said, you’re not doing yourself any favors when you say one thing and then you do another. You’ve got to have some integrity. And besides, something that’s important to her is having integrity. If you’re a man and you tell your woman you’re going to do something, you better fucking do it.
And I don’t want to hear you complaining or any whining in the comments about, “Oh, I had a bad day.” It’s like, go cry to your friends, go cry to your therapist. Don’t make your girlfriend your therapist or your mommy. That just is not going to end well. If you keep doing it for an extended period of time, eventually, she’s going to get sick of it, because you’re a bitch and don’t have your shit together, and she’s going to leave you. That’s the harsh reality.
Cry about it all you want, but nobody cares. Nobody cares about your problems or my problems, and they’re glad we have them. So, go cry in your beer with your friends or your therapist, but don’t do it with your girlfriend or your wife for any extended length of time, because it’s going to ruin her attraction for you. It’s like, you can cry about that all you want, but I’m just telling you the way it is. I’m telling you what works and what doesn’t work. And you have the choice to do it or not to do it. It’s your life.
So, if you would like to get my help personally in a professional or a personal issue that you’re having, maybe with a significant other, maybe with somebody you’re dating, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Whatever you tolerate, you will invite and attract more of it into your life. If you want to have a drama free life, you must set and enforce healthy boundaries with people who are verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. If you set boundaries, but don’t enforce them, you will invite disrespect and enable this continued undesirable behavior. The reality is that many people, even some people who are close to you, simply won’t respect or honor any boundaries you set for them. Therefore, if you want a drama free life, you will have to severely limit the time you spend with toxic people or simply eliminate them from your life permanently.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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