What it means when a woman you are dating says she doesn’t want a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 39 year old viewer whose wife died of cancer after 21 years together. They had two small children. He started dating his wife’s friend, but she says she doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be friends with benefits for now. He’s only been with two women his whole life and doesn’t know what to do since he only wants to be with her if she feels something mutual for him. He’s not interested in just having casual sex without any feelings involved. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, My Wife Died. I’m Dating Her Friend, But She Doesn’t Want A Relationship.
So, I’ve done a lot of phone sessions over the years with guys who are in this situation. This particular guy, I guess he was with his wife from the time he was like 18, obviously high school sweethearts. And he’s been with two women his whole life, his wife, and now his wife’s friend. And so, they’re just kind of casually dating and hooking up.
And she’s like, she doesn’t want to be serious. And she said a whole bunch of things that really sound like she doesn’t have a very good self-esteem, and doesn’t think very highly of herself. But it’s clear to me that this guy is starting to over pursue, and he’s trying to lock his wife’s friend down to a commitment and she’s like, I don’t want a relationship.
And his opinion is, “Hey, I’ve been with two women my whole life.” He’s 39 years old and he’s like, “I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl if there’s no feelings or emotions involved and it’s not mutual.” So, I seriously doubt whether he’s even gotten to the point where he’s read 3%, Man, which he you need to do, dude.
You need to read this 10 to 15 times. Because I can tell from looking at your email that you don’t understand how attraction works. And quite frankly, being 39, your dating skills, your pickup skills are basically on the level of a teenager, or somebody that’s in high school because that’s the last time you had to use them, to be quite frank with you.
So, the idea is you need to fill in your knowledge gap because now you’re in the world of adults, and you’re trying to date and court. And I mean, it’s different when you’re basically 17, 18 years old, and you start dating the woman that you end up marrying.
And then here you are, almost 40 years old. You got two kids, you’re a widower, and now you’re hooking up with your wife’s friend, who is basically distancing herself from you because it’s obvious her attraction is dropping. So, let’s go through his email and see what we can do to help him turn things around so it’s more favorable.
I have something going on with a woman and she was friends with my deceased wife (cancer) I have been 21 years with her.
Now this woman I’m hooking up with just told me she doesn’t want a relationship after three months because she keeps comparing herself with my deceased wife and thinks she can’t fit my deceased wife shoes.
So, what she’s really saying to you, it’s obvious that you’re kind of imprinting that and you’re focused on a relationship. You’re in essence, making her feel like you want her to be the replacement for your wife.
And what she’s really trying to communicate is I’m not there. I’m not feeling the same thing you are. She could tell that you’re way more into her, than she is into you. But the excuse that she gives you sounds, it sounds rational. It sounds like it makes sense. But her saying, comparing herself, what she’s really trying to say is, “You’re looking at me in the same way as you did your wife. And quite frankly, I’m not in the same place as your wife was.”
So, there’s a difference in romantic interest here. That’s what she’s really trying to communicate. But she doesn’t want to do it in a way that hurts his feelings. And so, she says things that logically make sense, but that leave the guy going, “What?” It’s the kind of thing that guy goes, “Oh, I just have to wait a little bit longer. I have to give her more time.”
She keeps saying if my deceased wife was alive that I wouldn’t be together with her because there was no choice involved.
I’m like, “Well, she’s not here anymore. There’s nothing either one of us can do about that. But I’m grateful for the fact that we know each other, because if it hadn’t have been for my wife, we would have never met. And now we have the opportunity to explore things. See where it goes. Maybe we live happily ever after. Maybe not. But it sure is a lot of fun. I do enjoy the indoor Olympics with you.”
She really likes me, and she has feelings for me.
It’s just obvious that your feelings are stronger. Probably because you’re pursuing too much. And you’re acting a little soft.
I have feelings for her too and I have expressed that to her, but it seems she is scared to commit to me because of my deceased wife.
Again, she’s giving you an excuse that logically sounds great and everything. It sounds reasonable, but the reality is her romantic attraction is not there. Because if she was head over heels in love with you, she wouldn’t care that it was your deceased wife. She’d want you all to herself. So, what we really have is we have an issue of attraction here, and her attraction is not growing at the same rate as yours is, which is typical because women fall in love slowly over time. And you’ve been dating for three months.
It’s obvious you’re over pursuing her, and she’s not getting enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, to wonder where she stands with you. Because you’ve been super clear about your intent, and the way you’ve made her feel. Because I can see her words that you’ve shared here, is that you’re basically making her feel like you’re expecting her to replace what you had with your wife.
And it doesn’t mean that that’s impossible to happen. It just means right now, in the present moment, she’s not in that place where she feels that way about you, that she be comfortable, and that she has the desire for to be the replacement for your wife.
So, she’s basically saying, “Hey, I don’t measure up.” Which is true. It is an honest answer from her perspective. But as a man, you have to understand what she’s really trying to communicate. It’s an issue of attraction. You’re more into her than she’s into you. And that’s because you pursued too much. And that’s why you need to read The Book as quickly as possible.
If you get the AudioBook and you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through this, put the AudioBook on two speed and you get through it in four hours and a lot of light bulbs will go off. You’ll realize, “Oh man, I did this, I did that wrong.” Just understanding what mistakes you’ve been making that have been turning her off will help you self-correct really quickly because what you want to do is you’re just going too fast.
You’re making a mad dash for the altar to get married and to have a wife, and a family, all over again. And what you’ve got to understand is women fall in love slowly over time. It’s got to be her idea to be in a relationship. And right now it’s obvious that it’s all your idea, and you’re focused on a relationship when all your job really in the courtship is, as I talk about My Book, is to create an opportunity for sex to happen.
To hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and then to hook up and seduce her when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed and touched and seduced, which it’s obvious you’re doing that when you’re together.
It’s just that you’re ignoring the fact that her romantic interest is not in the same place that yours is. And it just means you’re going too fast. So, it means you’ve got to go slightly slower than she is. And as I talk about in The Book, a guy should not be doing more than 20 to 30% of the pursuing. And when you’re three months in, by this point, you should barely even be doing 5% of the pursuing, if any at all, because most women will do it all.
I mean, if a girl is reaching out to you two, three times a day, FaceTiming you, or texting you, or WhatsApping or messaging you, it’s like there’s absolutely no reason for you to even initiate any more contact because you’re in contact throughout the day.
And when you do it that way, what you recognize is some days, she’s going to talk to you or call you 3 or 4 times in a day maybe, and other times you might not hear from her for 2 or 3 days. And that’s totally normal that it fluctuates like that because women are like cats.
But men who don’t know any better, get worried when they don’t hear from her for a day or two, and then they try to force themselves in their lives by calling too much, texting too much, trying to literally physically insert themselves into the woman’s life before she’s ready to see them again.
So, it’s better if you let women come to you at their pace. Again, these things are all basic stuff that’s spelled out in The Book. And like I said, I can tell from your email that you haven’t read it yet.
I think she feels she is the rebound woman or something, but I don’t know how I can convince her that she is not.
Well, it’s not your job to convince her. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Being in a relationship, a commitment, boyfriend girlfriend, commitments, all those things are the woman’s department. That’s feminine energy bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love. So, this stuff is just not part of your wheelhouse as a man. And the more you focus on it, the more you’re going to drive her out of your life.
So basically, she only wants sex now but to be honest I don’t know how to deal with that because I’m not the type of guy that sleeps with a woman if there is no future.
I am 39 years old. I’ve only had two sex partners my whole life. My deceased wife and this girlfriend I have something going on with. So, I’m not really experienced with the dynamic of just having sex it needs to mean something to me.
Well, we know it means something to you, and obviously your wife’s friend cares. But the problem is you care too much. You care way more about her than she does you. And so, you’ve got to back off. And I would recommend you back off slowly, and start cutting your contact in half over the next few weeks, until it gets to the point where she’s doing 80 to 90% of the contact initiation. And then you just simply make dates. And then once her feelings are there, then she’s going to ask to be exclusive. Then she’ll start talking about the future.
Keep in mind I have two sons as well (11 and 8 years old.) I also need to make sure I make the right decisions because I have two young kids.
Yeah. So, the other thing to consider is you’re looking for, who can step in and be a great stepmom. Do you see your wife’s friend being a good stepmother to your children? Yes or no? And if the answer is no, then hang out, have fun and hook up while you continue to look for somebody who is. You should never get exclusive or serious or seriously consider somebody who you don’t want raising your kids.
That’s the most important thing as a father right now. You’ve got to do. You’ve got to make sure you get a good surrogate mother for your children. And maybe you have some kids with your wife’s friend as well. I don’t know what the age is, but, maybe you date somebody that’s ten years younger.
I would keep my options open if I were you, and if you had 2 or 3 other women that you can apply what’s in The Book with that’ll make you cockier. It’ll give you a little bit more swagger and you’ll be less inclined to smother this girl like you obviously have been.
And then you’ll create the conditions where there’s enough time and space away from you and her, for her to start missing you and to start pursuing you more. And as she does that, she’s going to call you more. She’s going to text you more. You’re going to see each other more. You’re going to have more sex, to the point where she’s just basically you guys are always together.
There’s a natural progression that happens in the courtship and it’s all laid out step by step and 3%, Man. So, I suggest you follow it, because your situation is an easy one to turn around. But you’ve got to start backing off because you’re just waiting. You’re pursuing way too much. And this is typical. Most guys in the West have just been brainwashed to be this way, and it’s the opposite of the way we’re supposed to be.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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