What it means and what you should do if your wife or girlfriend has several male orbiters she invites attention from.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started following and cherry picking information from my videos about 2 years ago. He is 23 and married his 20-year-old girlfriend after 2 years of dating. They’ve been together for 3 years. He never read my book, so he is clueless because he didn’t learn the material. He became lazy, complacent and stopped courting her. He has caught his wife texting multiple male coworkers and inviting their romantic attention. She promises to stop, only to do it again.
He says he wants to save his marriage, but his wife is showing through her actions that she belongs to the streets and has no intention of being honest, loyal or faithful. She is mentioning divorce during their arguments. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
If you’re a guy that’s in a situation like this and you’re going through your girl’s phone, don’t let her know that you went through it. Now that she knows he’s going through her phone, she’s deleting any incriminating evidence, so it makes it even harder to catch her. And on top of that, he’s told her it’s okay if she messages one of these male orbiters.
I mean, part of the problem is she’s 20 years old. And so, they obviously started dating when he was 20 and she was 17. I wonder, why is a 20 year old dating a 17 year old girl? I assume she was in high school when he started dating her. But at the end of the day, they’re married. She’s young, she’s immature, and it doesn’t look like she’s loyal at all. Because he’s set healthy boundaries, and she’s violated him every time. So, obviously, she doesn’t respect him or love him. And if we look at her actions, it doesn’t appear like she has any intention of honoring them. And then, on top of that, now she’s talking about a divorce, so it’s pretty clear she’s lining up a replacement.
So, this is a cautionary tale of why you want to read the book 15 to 20 times, because you’ve got to learn this information, so you can properly vet the women. And this guy didn’t care because he’s lazy, like a lot of dudes. “Oh, I’m getting laid all of the time. I don’t need to read the book. I’ve got plenty of info from the videos.” And yet, here he is three years later, a year after marrying this girl, and she’s already fucking around on him. So, that’s on him.
But for those of us that are listening to this train wreck, we can learn from it so we don’t make the same mistakes. Because for every one of these emails where a guy is doing stupid things like this dude is, you have the potential for tens of thousands of guys to avoid this situation altogether and go, “Man, I don’t want to be like that dude Bob.”
My name is Bob. I stumbled upon your work about 2 years ago, but my relationship always seemed to work itself out, so I never read your book.
“I thought I was special and different, and I didn’t need to read it, ” is basically what he’s saying.
Now I am married and finding out that our problems may not work itself out this time.
So, he’s basically like, “Well, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. If it’s supposed to work out it’ll work out.” Ehh, just throw some shit against the wall, and maybe some of it will stick. That’s a hell of a way to approach your personal life. Just “Aw shucks, we’ll see what happens. Let’s roll the dice.”
I picked up your book and am now trying to read it to help me save my marriage, but I really could use some advice. I am a 23 y/o male, and I am married to a 20 y/o female. My wife and I have been together for almost 3 years and married for 1. When we started our relationship, I was very masculine, in shape, and knew what I wanted in life. However, I have grown complacent and have become lazy when courting her.
That pretty much sums up about 99% of the dudes. They all do the same thing.
About 4 months ago, I caught her hiding texts from a male coworker.
See, this is why you’ve got to properly vet the women you’re with. But, as he says, he stopped. If you don’t date and court your wife properly, eventually some other guy will. And here’s the case in point, exactly what I talk about.
She claims she hid them because she knew I would get jealous and she has always been better at making guy friends.
That should have been another red flag. A woman that has no girlfriends, that tells me she’s very catty. And oftentimes, those girls tend to try to rip off their girlfriends’ boyfriends, or they hit on their girlfriends’ boyfriends. Women that have a hard time making female friends tend to be ratchets. They tend to be not good, loyal people. If they’ve only got guy friends, they’re not really “friends.”
This is true, she has always had trouble making friends with girls.
Probably because she’s disloyal and has probably done inappropriate things in the past with her girlfriends’ boyfriends or significant others. That’s what’s going on. It’s not that she has a problem making friends with girls. It’s just that she’s not a good person, and she’s got character flaws, and so girls don’t want to be friends with her. Simple as that.
We argued it out…
Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them. But if you had read the book, you would have known that.
…and she apologized profusely, so I thought we worked out the situation.
Yeah, you were gullible enough to believe her apology.
Since this fight, my self-esteem has dropped dramatically. I am constantly worried that she is going to leave me and starting stupid fights.
Well, that’s not going to help your relationship. You’re literally pushing her away. But the fact that she’s being disloyal already, that’s not your fault, that’s her fault. It’s your fault for not vetting her properly and not following instructions, but you’re married to her now, so that ship has sailed – the PNR, the point of no return.
In an effort to prevent her from leaving me…
Control is an illusion, bro.
…I began pushing her away without meaning to. As she has grown distant, I have become crazy, constantly trying to go through her phone. Obviously, this has not gone over well with her.
Yeah, you’re looking like a needy, insecure jackass. And at the end of the day, you can be the best boyfriend, best husband in the world, but if you’re with a lying, cheating whore, she’s going to cheat on you eventually when you slip up. So, now you’re getting to see what happens when her interest is low – she’s not loyal. That’s the bottom line.
She doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. But again, because you didn’t read the book, you didn’t learn the material, you never took the time to vet her because, as you said, you’re just like, “It’ll just work out. It’ll just be fine.” So, here you are. You get to now suffer with the consequences of your best thinking.
Last week, I managed to find the password to her Messenger. After going through her messages, I noticed that she had been texting another guy from work. He was obviously flirting with her.
And this is the important point…
She did not flirt back with him, however she did not discourage him either.
Because she sounds like she’s creating a Frankenstein boyfriend project. She’s married to you, and I assume at least she used to be sleeping with you. But the intimacy, the emotional intimacy that she’s not getting from you because you guys are arguing and fighting all the time and you’re constantly going through her phone, is that she’s getting that attention and validation from her male coworker.
That night, I went back through the messages and noticed she deleted the flirty messages.
Ah, there you have it. So, the bottom line is she’s inviting the attention, she’s encouraging it. A loyal and a faithful woman would say, “No, I’m married. We have our share of problems, and I appreciate the interest, but I’m married. No, thank you.” A good woman would do that. A ratchet would be like, “Hey, here’s my number,” and would be doing what this girl’s doing.
And again, this is who she was before he married her, but because he didn’t properly vet her, you could say he’s stuck with her, but going through a divorce, it’s going to be a very painful, expensive lesson for him.
The next time I saw her I confronted her about it, and once again she apologized profusely.
Again, she’s apologizing for getting caught doing the same thing that she promised she would no longer do, yet she continued doing. So, if we bottom line her actions, she’s a liar, and she’s a cheater, and you can’t trust anything she says. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. Character is destiny, and this is who you married?
We came to an agreement that because they work together, they can still text, however next time she notices him flirting, she would tell him to stop, and if it continued, she would block him.
Yeah, $10 says that ain’t ever going to happen. She’s just telling you what you want to hear. There is absolutely no way in hell I would be okay with my wife texting with a male coworker, especially after the fact the dude’s been hitting on her. It’s like, that’s just stupid. So, you’re encouraging her disloyalty. In other words, she likes the attention she gets from this guy, and she wants to keep it happening. That’s what’s really going on.
So, they probably argued back and forth, and she’s gone out of her way to lie and convince this dude that it’s strictly platonic. It’ll be platonic until, oops, he slips and his dick ends up inside of her. Then, “It just kind of happened. I couldn’t say no. It just happened.
However, I fucked up and the next night while she was sleeping tried to get her phone and look at it again. She caught me.
So James Bond like.
We talked today about it, and she mentioned that me not trusting her hurts her.
Well, what has she done to cause you to justify trusting her? Nothing. You’ve continually caught her in lies and deviousness, so you can’t trust somebody who continually lies and who says they’re going to stop, and then they continue doing it after they say they’re going to stop.
And the mention of divorce came up.
So, what’s really going on is she’s setting up the dudes that she’s going to date and sleep with once she knows it’s done with you.
She says she doesn’t want to divorce, but she has just been feeling like we aren’t the same anymore.
Well, you going through her phone and being crazy and jealous and trying to control her is not going to help. But at the end of the day, the thing you need to take a step back from and look at is the fact that her actions do not communicate that she has the intention of being loyal to you.
What her actions communicate is she just wants you to stop stressing her out about it. She wants to be able to proceed with lining these guys up behind your back. That’s what’s really going on here. And it’s obvious they’re not the same anymore, because long ago you stopped dating and courting her.
Basically, it’s been a real shit show. What can I do to get her to fall back in love with me, where she doesn’t need the attention of these guys?
Well, number one, you’ve got to read the book and you’ve got to follow instructions, dude. I mean, seriously. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You didn’t want to learn it when you came across my work, and now your wife is on the verge of having, it looks like, affairs with multiple men that she works with. And you’re trying to control her, and going through her phone, and then telling her it’s okay to keep talking with these guys as long as it’s just platonic. I mean, come on, man.
I love her to death and don’t want to lose her, but I’m tired of feeling this way.
Well, if you look at her actions, she’s kind of not really yours anyway. I mean, she’s acting like a girl who’s single. I mean, that’s a fact of life. And so, if it was me, I would say, “Look, if we’re going to make this work, you’re going to have to cut these guys out. There’s no way that we can stay married and you continue texting men who want to fuck you from work.”
“And this crap about, ‘Oh, we’re just going to be friends, and it’s going to be just strictly professional,’ that’s bullshit. I’ve seen the texts, the guy wants to fuck you, and he’s not going to stop wanting to fuck you. And every time you text and you engage with him, he thinks he’s getting closer to fucking you. And the fact that you’re inviting him to do this tells me that you want to fuck him or the other guy. And so, if that’s what you want, then I’m not going to stay married to you. That’s not going to work.”
“So, you need to choose right now, today, in this moment. You’re either going to work on our marriage, and work on our relationship and being loyal and faithful, or you can pack your bags, and you can leave. And then you can go do whatever you want with these guys. And I’m going to move on with my life, I’m going to divorce you, and I’m going to find a girl that’s loyal and faithful. And so, you either want to work it out, or you don’t. There’s no thinking about it. There’s none of that shit.”
“You’re married to me, you made a commitment, and you either need to honor that commitment or you need to go. You need to boot these guys out of your life and never talk to them again. And if they keep harassing you, you need to go to your boss and tell them that these guys are hitting on you at work, and then they’ll get fired. If you want to prove to me that you’re going to be a loyal woman, and that you’ve changed, and you’re truly remorseful and apologetic – even though you’ve told me multiple times you were going to stop this behavior, and yet you’ve gone right back on your word and done it again – that tells me you’re not capable of loyalty, you’re not capable of monogamy, and you’re not capable being honest.”
“And if that’s who you are, you can’t be my wife anymore. Simple as that. I’m done with you. I want you to pack your shit and get out of my house, and I don’t ever want to see you again. Let me know where to send service of process, and I’ll send you the divorce papers. But I am not going to live in our family home while you are texting other men, especially men that want to fuck you, and expect me to think that you’re going to keep it platonic with these dudes. It’s like, how stupid do you think I am? It’s just not going to happen.”
“So, if you want to keep texting them, then pack your shit and go. If you want to work on our relationship and work it out, then let’s do it, and these guys are out of your life. And if they text you, I want to watch you text them. You’ll say, ‘I’m going to work on my marriage, and I don’t want you texting me anymore. And if you do, I’m going to go to Human Resources. I’m going to let them know that you’re sexually harassing me.'”
If she wants to prove to you that she’s going to be loyal, she’ll say something along those lines to these guys to let them know, if they keep hitting her up, that she’s going to go to their boss and say, “These guys are hitting on me, I’m having problems with my husband, and they’re trying to get in my fucking pants. And I don’t want to be sexually harassed at work.” And then those dudes will get fired. That’s simply what will happen. And so, if she’s not willing to do that, if she’s not willing to take it to that extreme, then what that really means is her actions are showing she wants to keep these guys in her life. And if she wants to keep these guys in her life, then she needs to go. It’s as simple as that.
It’s a binary choice at this point, dude. You are way too far down the road. The right time to get into my work was when you came across it and learned this stuff. But you flew blind, you went ahead and married the girl anyway. I don’t think she’s capable of loyalty and monogamy. I’ve been doing this a long time, but in this particular case, this warrants the ultimatum. She chooses you and the family that you guys are supposedly building together, or she’s going to choose to fuck her male coworkers.
If she wants to prove that she’s going to be loyal and faithful to you, she’s going to blow these guys up in text and show it to you. Just something simple saying, “Hey, it’s not appropriate for you to text me anymore. I’m working on my marriage. And if you continue to text me, I’m going to have to go to human resources and let the boss know that you’re sexually harassing me. It needs to stop. I want to be loyal and faithful to my husband, and I’m committing to him to do this. And you need to promise to leave me alone. And if you don’t, then you’re going to get fired. I’m going to go to Human Resources and tell them that you’re sexually harassing me.”
And if she’s not willing to say those things and blow that relationship up with these other guys, then that tells you everything you need to know. That tells you that she has every intention of pursuing something romantic with the other guys. Because if you tell her that and she says it’s unreasonable, their coworkers, their friends, that just shows she has no intention of being loyal and faithful to you. And if she doesn’t have any intention of being loyal and faithful to you, that’s on her. It’s not on you. That’s her.
We’re so far down the road here. You married a woman who pretty much looks like she belongs to the streets. I don’t see any coming back from this. I don’t see her really changing. All I see her doing is hiding it until she thinks she’s comfortable. And then she’ll slip up again as soon as you slip up. I mean, that’s basically where you’re at. I don’t think it’s going to work out, because I don’t think she’s capable.
I mean, she’s 20 years old. She’s obviously young, and she’s immature, and she’s inexperienced. But you didn’t vet this girl properly, because you didn’t follow instructions. Right now you’re just in a place where you have to deal with the consequences. And so, again, ultimatum with her and these guys. And if she’s not willing to blow them out of her life in order to prove her loyalty to you, then she’s a fucking hoe and she needs to go on down the road. Simple as that.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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