My Wife Is Incapacitated & I’m Her Caretaker, But Want A Girlfriend. What Should I Do?

How to approach dating when you’re married but your wife is incapacitated.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is 54 and married to a woman 10 years older than him. They had a great marriage with lots of sex and fun until she almost died from an illness. Now she has early dementia and he’s become her caretaker. However, he is fit, successful and attractive and has lots of younger women interested in him.

He wants a girlfriend and asks how to handle his unique situation. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is kind of a unique situation. This guy says he’s my age, which is 54, and he’s been married to a woman who’s 10 years older than him. Unfortunately, a few years ago, she got really sick with pneumonia, and I guess they had to resuscitate her a few times. She’s never been the same since. Now she’s got early stage dementia, dementia, and he’s basically become her caretaker.

Before she got sick, they had sex all the time, usually at least once a day, sometimes multiple times in the weekend. He’s fit, he’s in shape, he makes good money, he’s an attractive dude. Women half his age are hitting on him and showing interest, but obviously, he’s married, but he’s mostly a nurse for his wife. I’ve had situations like this in the past. That’s life. You never know when your time’s up and whether you’re the same age or your ages are different, we talked about Charlie Chaplin and his relationship with the girls in the podcast last week. He was 56 years old when he met his future wife when she was, like 17, an aspiring actress. A mutual friend introduced them, and they had they clicked, they liked each other. When she turned 18, shortly thereafter, they started dating. Then they got married like six months later. So she’s 18, he’s 56, and you’re like, “Wow, that’s a pretty big age gap.” It’s over a 30 year age gap. Her parents did not approve the marriage at all. Especially her father was like, “I’ll disown you if you marry him,” and she’s like, “I love him.” He’s like, “Well, I’m disowning you.” I don’t know if they ever reconciled, but Charlie and and his wife, they went on to have, I think it was like six or eight kids, and lived happily ever after. He lived until he was 88 years old. So when he passed away, she only lived 14 years after he did, and she ended up dying in her early 60s of pancreatic cancer. So despite that big age difference, she only survived another 14 years, so you just never know. It’s like, Father Time comes for us all and sometimes these things are going to happen.

I saw a clip, I don’t know if it was on Instagram or it was on Twitter a while back. There was this couple, they were married and her husband had an accident or an illness. I can’t remember if it was an accident, and he became totally incapacitated. He can’t speak and she’s basically his nurse and takes care of him, and he just wasn’t capable of being a husband anymore in any way. I mean, she basically had another child, so she ended up getting married to another guy and her new husband took care of her first husband. He’s like one of the kids of the family, and they all love each other and they take care of one another. I mean, this is what happened. Life’s messy. You don’t know what’s going to happen.

So this guy is in a place where he’s like, “My my wife is not the same person anymore. We don’t have the relationship that we used to, but I love her and I feel a sense of duty to take care of her, but I’m also fit and in shape, younger women like me and I want a girlfriend. I want a companion, I want a lover. I don’t want to just be a nurse and be celibate until she passes away.” Jay Leno, as a matter of fact, who used to do the Late Show, just became caretaker for his wife in the past year. It’s troubling when things like that happen. You just never know what’s going to happen in life because we all got a limited amount of time. The goal is to try to enjoy it, have as much fun as possible, love, see the world, have a good time and love the people that you’re close to, because you never know where you’re going to shuffle off this mortal coil.

Viewer Email:

Coach,

I have a unique situation. I’m your age, make in six figures, exercise regularly and race road course and Autocross. Racing and Exercising are my hobbies. Been married for 20 years, and up until seven years ago we had a good marriage and were strongly attracted to each other. She is 10 years older than me. Sex was just about every day and sometimes multiple times on the weekends. Communication was probably above average. Not the best, but not bad either.  Everything changed seven years ago when she got a bad case of pneumonia and it was bad. She got revived couple times and had couple strokes and hasn’t been the same since.

If he’s 54 and she’s 10 years older, that would make her 64. So that would mean when she was like 57, 58, she got stricken with pneumonia, almost died, had several strokes, probably lost blood supply to the brain. It’s unfortunate, but those things are going to happen. It’s like the person that you loved just no longer exists anymore. Even though you still love them, you’re not able to have the same kind of relationship, but he’s not like tossing her out in the street and say, “You’re on your own.” He’s like, “I got to take care of her. It’s my duty.” I mean, they’ve been together 20 years.

Now it seems she may be at early stages of dementia. I now take care of her and all the household chores. This along with my hobbies. So yes, I’m always busy.

So a couple years ago, I felt lonely and don’t feel like I’m married any longer. So decided to be open to having a girlfriend. I got close to two different women in their late 20’s. I don’t know why, but their what came into my orbit, but I caused both to friend zone me because of my lack of knowledge of how to increase attraction. After the second friend-zoning, I started researching and read a lot of articles and finally came across you. Got your book and read the paperback once and then got the audio version and have went through it six times. So total, seven times. As well probably watched, listened to 50 plus YouTube videos. You’re spot on with how we learn from the movies and media, but as with you, that was the only source I had.

My parents divorced when I was nine, and my mother was my main parent my entire life and she always made me believe I had to be, “The Nice Guy.”  I had a few girlfriends before my wife. One was nine years, but that was a toxic relationship and I don’t know why I kept with her for so long.

Probably fear that you wouldn’t find anybody better. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they’re terrified of being single, or they’re worried that the next person won’t be as good as the last one that they’re leaving. I talked about that in 3% Man. That was my fear when I was younger. When I was married, I was like, “Man, this is the best relationship I ever had.” This girl loved me just for me being me. I didn’t have to do anything. I never experienced that before, but all the women that I had really been into, love at first sight, I fucked every one of them up, chased the girls right out of my life. My mom was very domineering, my dad was very soft and let her run the house. His mother was domineering and he just likes being told what to do. That’s just the way he is.

So my dad was mostly checked out and not really involved in raising us because he was working, and when he was home, he’d be drinking beers and watching TV and kind of checked out and pretending to listen to my mother when she would talk. I remember he looked over and we drank and he’d shake his head, nod his head a few times like he was listening. He wasn’t paying attention to her. We’ve talked about this and laughed about this a bunch of times over the years. I had to learn all this stuff the hard way.

Women don’t want a guy that’s super nice and compliant. They want a man who has his own opinions, and he stands up for himself and what he believes. If she gets out of line, he’s going to put her in her place, check her and set and enforce healthy boundaries. Women like guys they admire, they respect, they look up to and know how to lead. Like this guy here, he was just too nice. So even though the girls were initially attracted to him, remember, attraction is not not a choice. He talked those girls out of liking them and more than likely also probably chased them out of his life, or to the point where they friend zoned him.

The others were short term until my wife.  

So now I’m out here looking for someone, and armed with better knowledge from learning your material. Just started to talk with another lady, also in 20’s and been applying your work. Before things escalate, I will let her know my situation with my wife. I have done that with the other two as well. I let them know up front, and I am committed to taking care of her until its no longer possible. Do you think I’m doing the right thing and approaching this the right way? 

Bob

Yeah, honesty is the best policy with this. So when you meet these girls, it’s going to come up at some point. You say, “I’m married, but I’m basically a caretaker for my wife. Seven years ago, she had a severe illness. She died three times and got resuscitated. When she came to, she had brain damage, and she’s just not the same person anymore. Now she’s got dementia. She’s also 10 years older than me. I’m her caretaker, and I’m going to do that as long as I can because I’m a good man. That’s the right thing to do. It’s the honorable thing to do, but I’m still a human being and I want affection, love and romance, and I like to have a good time. My wife and I had a great relationship. We fucked like rabbits all the time. We had sex just about every day, multiple times in the weekend, but after her illness, she’s not the same person anymore. I’m basically her nurse. So anybody that I date and get together with is going to have to understand and be compassionate about that, because I’m not going to throw my my wife out in the street because she can’t take care of herself,

They used to do that. I was I think it was Alexander the Great talked about that when he went through Afghanistan, when he was on his conquest, he was appalled that the way the Afghans treated their elders, it’s like once people became too incapacitated to take care of themselves, grandma, grandpa, your wife, your husband, your kids or whatever, they would just basically drag them out to the street and just let them lay there. Then the dogs, the feral dogs, would eat them and tear them apart. He was just shocked at how savage and cruel and inhuman the Afghans were. That’s the way they used to be in the ancient world, once somebody is too old or incapacitated, they just kind of dump them out in the street and let the vultures and the wild dogs have at them. I guess they felt that was a better fate. It’s pretty harsh, but obviously you’re not going to do anything like that.

Not every girl is going to be cool with that, but the reality is probably at some point if you get serious with a girl, it’s like you and her are going to be living in your house, and both of you are going to be taking care of your wife. Like I said, there’s a couple, I think it might have even been from a documentary where, like I was saying earlier, I saw a clip from it. It was really a beautiful story because they were all crying, the woman with her new husband, they absolutely love her ex-husband, and he’s part of the family, even though he’s I guess, got the mentality of a seven or eight-year-old kid. He can’t talk, so they have to do everything for him. They have to bathe him, they have to take care of him. So she found a guy that loved her for who she was and was willing to be a co-caretaker with her ex-husband, because she wasn’t going to just toss him to the curb and kick him out in the street. Again, she takes care of him, and you got to admire and you got to respect that. People that have that kind of integrity, a good family-oriented girl is going to appreciate the fact that you do that. Not every woman you’re going to meet is going to be down with that, so it’s better to just be up front and be positive about it and matter of fact. “Hey, this is my situation. I want a girl that is down for that and is cool with that.” If she’s not, somebody else will.

I think you’re doing the right thing. It’s very honorable what you’re doing, taking care of your wife like that, because a lot of people, they wouldn’t stick around and do that or they would toss her back to the family or put her in a home or institutionalize her. So I admire and respect you for what you’re doing. You deserve to find a good woman who has similar goals and similar values and be like, “Hell yeah, that’s absolutely what you should do for your wife.” You should take care of your wife, but you also got to enjoy your life because you’re not the one that’s incapacitated. So you need to have joy, you need to have love, you need physical intimacy, you need companionship, and you deserve all of that. So live your truth, man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.