My Wife Wants A Separation & I Want To Work Things Out

How to handle your wife wanting a separation when you want to stay together.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met his wife in high school. They have been together for about 13 years and have 2 kids. When she cut him off from intimacy, he started messaging other women to see if she cared. Now she wants a separation while they live together, but he wants to work things out. They hangout, have fun as a family but there is no romance or sex. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “My Wife Wants A Separation & I Want To Work Things Out.”

So this particular email is from a viewer. He met his wife when they were in high school, and they’ve been together for about 13 years and have two kids. However, at some point she had kind of cut him off from intimacy, probably because he didn’t date and court her anymore. And he certainly didn’t open her up and make her feel heard and understood.

And those of you that are familiar with my work know that when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, out of frustration, he thought he would just start messaging other women to see if she cared. Well, obviously she did care. She didn’t appreciate that.

And so now she wants a separation while they live together. He wants to work things out. He says, they hang out and they have fun as a family. But there is no hooking up part, no romance or no sex. She says, she just wants a separation, no romance, nothing.

And they live together. And so he’s scratching his head because he wants to keep his family together. But his wife is pretty much not interested in any sex or intimacy. So we asked what he should do.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Thank you for supporting those in need. I see your passion for helping others and commend you. My wife and I met when she was 16 and I was 18 and married at 19 and 21. We’ve known each other for 13 years and have been married for 9. We have all the same values, sense of humor, taste in music, and get along very well. We have two kids together who are 4 and 6.

She is a stay-at-home mom, which is what she has always wanted to be since we met. I was happy to be the sole provider and have traditional marriage roles. I run my own roofing business, I am in shape, I am more handsome than James Bond, and I have been building our new house over the last year and a half. 

So I’d say more than likely because you’ve been focused on building your new house, maybe you accumulated some extra debt, you probably spent more than you were expecting, and that’s just anybody that’s ever done a home renovation or built a house, we all got champagne tastes on beer budgets. And we always spend too much. So what happens a lot of times in these cases is the guys get so focused on building the house and doing the other things, creating a life for the family.

They’re like, “wow, we spent all this extra money, I got to pay down these debts.” And so they start cutting corners on the romance. They stop dating and courting their wife, thinking, “hey, we’ll save money. And once we pay things down, we’ll get back to doing those other things.” But women want to be in a love story. And they know that if you love them and you care about them, you’re going to continue to hang out, have fun, and hook up, you’re going to continue to date and court them.

If you don’t care, you’ll make excuses. And unfortunately, that’s what most guys do when they get in this situation. Like financial stress happens and it’s always the date’s that get cut out. So they stop dating and courting their wives. And eventually if you don’t date and court your wife, some other dude is going to come along and do that for you. If you’re with a high character woman, she’ll leave.

Get back to being single again, and when she’s ready, she’ll start dating. If she’s a low character woman, she might fuck your next door neighbor, your business partner, your best friend, that dude at work, she told you, is just a friend and you don’t have to worry about him. That’s typically what happens. And they’ll really dick you down badly.

She has slowly drifted away from me over the years. Burnout from kids, excessive phone use, lack of drive, laundry piling up.

That tells me she doesn’t feel beautiful. She doesn’t feel happy. There’s no more love story. You guys are just roommates. That’s typically what happens. The guy stops dating and courting her, thinking he’s going to save money. She takes it as he doesn’t care about her, doesn’t mind the explanation. You could do a picnic.

The bottom line is he doesn’t plan dates and date and court her like he used to. And probably because he’s so busy, he doesn’t take the time to open her up, make her feel heard and understood. And they’re just not having fun together anymore like they used to. So she doesn’t feel safe with him. And when women don’t feel safe, the legs are going to close.

And no desire to be a part of the business. When I shared my desire for a deeper connection and intimacy, she took it as an attack on her not being good enough, and me being ungrateful. This struggle continued until I fucked up and started to message women online to see if she even cared anymore and to get attention from other women.

Turns out she cared. Now she wants an in-house separation so that it affects the kids the least and is currently not open to doing couples counseling or working on the relationship. She says she feels like she is always giving from an empty cup.

That tells me she doesn’t feel beautiful. She feels like you don’t care. When women don’t feel beautiful, they don’t wear makeup. They gain weight, they butcher their hair, they become very masculine. And then you become roommates in like, a loveless, sexless marriage. Because at some point she just gave up.

And she doesn’t have the bandwidth to work on the relationship at this point. I know her desire for a separation was not just the incident but built up through the years and this was the straw on the camel’s back. So maybe this needed to happen even though it was the wrong way. Our first couples counseling session was on our 9th anniversary and that is when she decided she wanted a separation. Happy Anniversary! 

Well, sometimes if you come across a really shitty couples therapist because there’s plenty of them out there, I see that a lot. And so instead of bringing you guys together now, you walk out of your first therapy session, and your wife wants a separation.

So maybe if you’re going to continue couples therapy, you should interview 3 or 4 more therapists and find somebody that you both like, and that you feel safe with. And you feel like they’re going to help bring the two of you together, because you go to one couple’s therapy session and now your wife wants a separation. That’s not a good sign.

In hindsight and based on the books, poems, and notes she has been writing I can see that she has been hurting for a long time and I wasn’t doing a good job opening her up emotionally by failing to empathize with the attacks and tests she had directed towards me.

Well, one of the things you can do, because they’re still living together is that women have got to feel heard and understood. If you’ve been through 3% Man, you got to read The Book. You got to learn the fundamentals. You’re not going to save your marriage by cherry picking videos. If you’re going to try cherry pick videos, you may as well just call a divorce attorney because you’re not going to be able to re-attract your wife.

Because you got to start acting and behaving like a man that is attractive, that would turn her on. That she’d want to hang out, have fun, and hook up with. And so the very first thing you should do when you come home every night, and you see your wife, is like, “hey babe, how was your day?” And just get her to talk. That’s it. “Oh, really? What else? How are the kids today? Anything new happen? What’d I miss? What else? Tell me more. How’d that make you feel? Really? Wow. That happened.”

And just let her do 70%, 80% of the talking. Just like 3% Man talks about on a date. And so you’re living in a house, and you got to get back to courting her. Because if you think back to when you first met, when you first started dating, even though you guys were young back then, what did you do? You hung out and you genuinely enjoyed being with one another. You genuinely enjoyed listening to her and seeing how her mind worked, and what caused her to feel a certain way.

And just having fun and making her laugh and making her feel beautiful. And you have to always do that. You have to make sure she talks and you open her up. Because when you stop doing it, eventually the woman’s going to shut down. She’s going to feel like you don’t care. You don’t understand her, you don’t understand where she’s coming from. And one of the first things I do when I do phone sessions with guys like this is like, “what does she complain about? What complaints does she use on a regular basis?”

And usually it’s the same 2 or 3 different complaints that the guy hears over and over. And then I end up interpreting what those mean and where specifically he’s going wrong. But if he stopped dating and courting her because, again, this is what typically happens. I see it in all guys that have long term relationships, everything that made them successful in the beginning of their relationship, they stopped doing. They don’t date and court her anymore, usually because they’re trying to save money and pay down debt, and they stop making her feel heard and understood.

He gets pissed off because she doesn’t want to give up the pussy, but the reason she doesn’t want to give up the pussy is because she doesn’t feel safe with him anymore. And she doesn’t feel safe having sex because he doesn’t take the time to open her up. He doesn’t take the time to make her feel heard and understood. He doesn’t take the time to listen to her, to understand where she’s coming from or the challenges that she has being a stay at home mom.

Because that’s her her full time job. And if she feels drained and she feels like she’s a roommate with a man that doesn’t care about her anymore, she’s not sexually intimate with him anymore, then you’re just kind of roommates in a loveless, sexless marriage, and she’s basically working to raise the kids, and there’s no reward.

There’s no fun because her husband doesn’t make her feel like she has a teammate, and so she shuts down. She doesn’t feel safe. And then on top of that, he’s messaging other women. So everything he’s doing and everything he’s saying is, “I don’t give a shit about you.” And you can only do that for so long with women in general, making them feel like you don’t care before eventually they start looking for the exits.

I would try to defend myself with logic and reason when I should have just listened to her and made her feel seen.

It’s like, yeah, that’s what most guys do. She probably says things like, “we never do anything, we never go anywhere.” All she’s really saying is, “hey, take me on a date.” And the guy goes, “well, I spent money doing this, I did that.” And all she hears from him is him defending why nothing is going to change and everything’s going to stay the same. And if she wants to go out and date and do things again, and he just wants to argue with her why the status quo is going to remain. She’s not going to be happy and she’s not going to put up with that forever.

I had tried to improve the relationship by learning her love language and implementing change, but she admitted even positive change was a red flag for her and caused her to put up more walls.

Again, first thing you do when you come home is like, “hey babe, how was your day? Tell me about your day. What’d I miss? What’s new and exciting on the home front? What’s going on with little Johnny and Jackie and Jill?”, Or whatever your kids names happen to be. And she’s got some drama going on with her family or whatever. It’s like. “Oh, really? What she had to say? How is she? What’s going on there?” Get her to talk. Because that makes her feel like you care. You’re actually listening to her instead of trying to argue with her.

And if you feel like you want to solve a problem or offer solutions, bite your lip and say, “do you want me just to listen? Do you want my advice?” If you’re not sure; if you’re one of those guys that’s prone to always when she starts complaining about things, jump in and give her advice. Because when you start doing that, when she just wants you to listen, she’s going to say, “you’re not listening.” And you’re like, “what are you talking about?” It’s like, don’t give her solutions when she just wants you to listen. Women solve their problems by talking about them.

We are both going to counseling separately which I am grateful for. I am hoping she will agree to go as a couple in the future. The dynamic with the in-house separation is the same situation as before except we hang out, have fun, and don’t hook up.

Because she doesn’t feel safe. That’s again, first thing you do when you get home. “Hey babe, how was your day?” That just needs to happen every day. “How was your day? Tell me about your day. What’d I miss? How’s life? What’s new? What’s new in the neighborhood?”

So there is still lots of banter, joking, having fun as a family.

Well, the family that plays together stays together.

And even some flirty banter.

And so you got to read The Book. You got to recognize what you’re doing and saying that looks unattractive because women care about how they feel about you, not what a good guy you are, or how funny you are or how great your banter is, is they care about how they feel about you. And so there’s going to be things you’re doing and saying that are unmasculine and that make you look unattractive. And so you got to read The Book so you can get some awareness of what the hell you’re doing and saying that’s turning her off so you can accentuate the behaviors that turn her on.

So my recommendation is you get an audiobook and a physical Book or a digital copy. And you put the audiobook on two speed (2X) and follow along. Because that will force you to pay attention to the words that are being spoken. And as you follow along on the physical or digital paper copy of The Book. It’s the best way to get the information into your brain. And if you do that on two speed (2X), you can get through the whole Book in about four hours.

You got to get 10 to 15 times the reads in your head, so you can cut out all the unattractive behavior, accentuate all the attractive behavior, open her up, keep hanging out, having fun, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed. She bumps into you. She gets close to you. I mean, it could happen tonight. You put the kids to bed and then you hang out. Maybe you’re having a glass of wine late together and you’re just letting her talk.

And again, don’t try to give her advice if she just wants you to listen. If you’re unsure, ask her, “do you want my advice? Or do you just want me to listen?” And I would watch the Video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” I did that one, I think it was probably ten, 12 years ago at least. Maybe longer that I did that video maybe 14 years ago. The principles are the same. They’re not going to change. You got to get her to open up. You got to get her to talk to you, because that’s what’s going to make her feel like you care and start to make her feel safe.

And as soon as she starts to feel safe, she feels heard and understood. You’ll notice her playing with her hair again, touching your arm, bumping into you physically, and doing “The Kiss Test” that’s in The Book. Seeing the signs are there that you can slowly start making out and seduce her. And then the hookup part happens. But it’s not going to happen until you make her feel heard and understood. So the time to try to seduce her is when she feels heard and understood. She’s opened up.

And another thing that you should do is ideally once every week and a half, two weeks. Take her on a date where you get a babysitter, you take care of the arrangements and just you and her go out and have dinner and have Daddy and Mommy time together. So, you know, even if it’s something simple like getting a babysitter, getting the grandparents or the aunts and uncles to watch the kids while you guys make dinner at home in the evening together. Just the two of you having fun.

Because if she’s laughing and you’re joking around and she’s doing 80%, 90% of the talking, she’s going to feel heard and understood. She’s going to open up. And like I said, when she starts bumping into you, touching you, playing with her hair, all the signs that show a woman’s attracted, then you can make out with her and slowly escalate to heavy petting to slowly escalate, removing some clothing until ultimately you get closer and closer to her until you end up inside of her. It’s a process.

But she is closed off to me sexually now. She says she no longer can see herself as my wife which hurt initially.

Remember when a woman says something like that, that’s what she feels in the moment. She can’t see herself as your wife because she’s mentally at the place where she’s kind of giving up. She feels like it’s never going to get any better. And that’s why I say it’s so important for you to read The Book and learn what you’re doing and saying that’s unattractive, so you can stop that behavior because you need to every time you’re around or present only the most attractive side of yourself to or that will naturally turn her on.

But now I can empathize with why she feels that way and know I have to work on myself. I find myself unsure if all the information and advice from you and others apply to my wife since she seems to be a unicorn.

Of course, it applies. The things that create attraction work for heterosexual couples, lesbian couples, and gay couples. It’s the masculine/feminine balance. And most importantly, you got to figure out what you’re doing and saying that’s unattractive and knock that shit off, because that’s making things harder for you to be able to attract her. So again, if you’re not willing to read The Book, it’s like you’re not going to be able to save this by trying to cherry pick videos.

You’re going to have to take this, your life, your wife and your kids seriously. You have to participate in your own rescue. I think it’s great that you guys both got therapists, but you got to understand what behavior you’re doing and saying that is turning her off and do more of the stuff that turns her on. That will help you immensely. You’ll see an instantaneous change in her demeanor and her behavior.

But you got to know what’s in The Book first, so you can start noticing those patterns in your wife and responding to her when she’s ready to be touched, ready to be seduced, ready to be kissed. That’s why it’s hang out. Have fun while you’re hanging out. And hook up with and signs are there. You haven’t got her to the point where she feels safe enough to hook up again.

And so don’t take it personally when she says she feels like it’s not going to work out, she doesn’t feel like she’ll ever get back to being your wife or the way she used to be, and her being a unicorn or not. It doesn’t matter. What creates attraction is what creates attraction. It will apply a thousand years from now. It’s something that is innate and again, it’s all detailed in The Book for you.

She is an INFJ which is 2% of females.

I don’t know what those abbreviations are.

Has a very high IQ with very slight autism, and I think she has avoidant attachment issues.

Well, that’s all nice gobbledygook and stuff. But what creates attraction is innate. So if you start acting like an attractive man and you start opening her up and you start hanging out and having fun with her, and at least every week and a half or so, just make a date night for you and her to hang out, then that’s what’s going to take. And like I said, every time you come home. “Hey, babe, how was your day?”

That’s the first thing you need to say to her. And even if she spends the next hour or two just going on and on about all kinds of things, don’t get butthurt. Just keep her talking. Don’t take it personally. You just need to open her up. I mean, you’re in the roofing business, so I’m sure you understand a few things about construction.

Well, the water heaters have a pressure relief valve, and when the pressure gets too high. And the water heater, the pressure relief valve kicks on and any air and water excess pressure is going to come out. And the pressure relief valve for your girl is her talking. So you got to get her to talk. You got to get her to open up. And stop trying to solve her problems when she just wants you to listen.

She was raised to be independent which I think has put her in her masculine where she doesn’t want to be.

Well, the reason she’s in her masculine is because you’re too much in your feminine. You’re acting too much like a chick. The only reason a woman moves into her masculine is because the husband, the man is not being the leader. She doesn’t feel safe, so she was forced into her masculine behavior by your abdication of your leadership role in your family.

She is extremely beautiful, smart, modest, loyal, deep-thinking, and cares for others. I want to work it out with my wife because I see huge potential for us and our kids.

Well, it takes two to tango. She’s got to want to work things out.

But I don’t want the same relationship we had before considering the lack of intimacy.

Again. When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And her legs are closed because she doesn’t feel heard and understood. She feels like you don’t give a shit about her because she was complaining for a long time about the same things, and you never did anything about it. All you did was argue and use logic and reason to try to win the argument, and eventually she just gave up. She felt it was pointless. Because you didn’t get the message.

I want a relationship with my wife that my kids can look up to. A relationship they can learn to emulate so they can have healthy relationships in the future. I want to break the generational wounds and attachment issues. I’ve apologized for what I’ve done and told her I want to work it out. She wants a separation and won’t clearly communicate that she wants reconciliation.

Well, she’ll want reconciliation when she wants reconciliation. Your job is to hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced. It’s all part of “The Seduction Process” that’s laid out in The Book for you. And you can read The Books they’re all free in the Website if you’re already subscribed to the free email newsletter on my Website.

I think she is doing this legally to protect herself since Virginia requires one year of separation before divorce when you have minors.

Again, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how she feels about you. So you have to modify your behavior to a more attractive or the most attractive version of yourself. And once she starts feeling attraction for you, the legs are going to open up and you’re going to slide back in there.

Beat up her pelvis, give her lots of happy finishes and happy endings and all that crap about separation or whatever, that will just dissolve and go away. It’s not important. The only thing that’s important is, about what you do to make her feel good. To make her feel heard, to make her feel understood, and make her feel like you care.

What is my best approach in this in-home separation scenario she is presenting? I am acting like the king who is staying in his bed and desires to have her in it, but if she wants to leave, then that’s her decision.

That’s the right approach.

She responds that “I am not respecting her boundaries of not wanting me in the bed.

Well, it’s your castle. If she doesn’t want to be in the bed with you, then she can go stay in the guest room and she can explain to the kids why she’s sleeping in the guestroom. And why she’s mad at daddy, and why she’s potentially considering breaking the family up. She’s going to be the one. Because you don’t want to leave.

So you don’t leave your castle, and you certainly don’t leave your bed chambers. If she doesn’t want to sleep in the master suite with you, then she can go sleep in the guest room. Because then it makes it clear that she’s the one that’s fucking up the marriage. You’re trying to make it work. She’s trying to wreck it. That’s just a fact of life.

She responds that I’m not respecting your boundaries of not wanting me in the bed.

Again, this is your home. This is your castle. A man does not leave his bed. His master suite, bed chambers. He just doesn’t. If the fair maiden is not happy and she doesn’t want to make the effort, she can sleep in the guest room. She can even take her favorite blankie.

And I’m the one that fucked up while she is the one suffering the consequences.”

Again, she’s the one that’s refusing to make the marriage work. If she wants no sex and romance, she can stay in the guest room. If she wants sex and romance, she can sleep in the bedroom with you.

I told her, “I know I fucked up but I’m here to work it out.” I don’t want to step out of my frame, do things that confuse my kids, or show instability.  How can I best build trust and attraction in this situation? I’m trying to date her again.

Thank you, Master Wayne

Well, I’ve already laid all of that out in the whole video on what you need to do. I mean, you’re living in the house together, quite frankly if you start acting attractive, if you start making her feel heard and understood, you start dating her. You continue to have fun with her and the kids the way you are. Remember, whatever she feels when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you.

And so if you’re making her feel heard and understood and you start to notice she’s playing with her hair and she gets close to you, she touches you, she physically bumps into you. That’s what you’re looking for. But again, you got to put the time in to learn what’s in The Book. You must participate in your own rescue. Isn’t your kids and your family and your wife worth it? The Book is even free to read in the Members Area, Dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.