Why neediness is a reflection of a lack of self-worth and self-love, and how this has a negative effect on both your ability to succeed in your romantic life and to achieve your grandest goals and dreams. What you can do to change the story that you tell yourself, so you can break through your fears, overcome your weaknesses and balance your emotional self-control to successfully achieve your personal and professional outcomes.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who is struggling with being way too sensitive and needy with women. He is a successful guy, but he tends to lose his shit when dating a woman he really likes. A woman he has been dating for the past two months is starting to go cold and back away, and he does not know what to do to turn it around.
The second email is a success story from a guy who details how my book, articles and videos have helped him come to a place where he loves and values himself. He shares the way he was in his last relationship versus how women respond to him now in a much more predictable and favorable way. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I just started listening to your YouTube videos and just bought your book. I am 32 and have been making the same mistakes over and over. (That was what was happening to me up until my 20’s, and I just got tired of blowing it. As a man, that is one of the most frustrating and demeaning things you can experience — not being able to date the quality of woman you want.) I am waaaaay too sensitive and can be needy due to self worth issues, which is frustrating because I am a catch and successful, but I can never remember that when I am dating a gal. (Self worth is being able to look in the mirror and love yourself as you are, without expecting yourself to change, and being okay with where you are in life. When you like, love, value and accept yourself, it doesn’t matter what other people think. Once you believe you’re worthy, and you visualize yourself surrounded by the conditions you want to create, and have an overabundance of what you want in your life, you’d never be in a rush to make a decision, because you would need to weigh the pros and cons of each. You have got to get data. But if you’re in a scarcity mindset, you fear you’re going to lose everything, and you’re in a rush. You’re neurotic, your fearful, you’re worried about things, so all of your actions tend to be forceful. If you’re trying to sell another human being on something, your ability to sell yourself is going to determine how they’re going to respond to you. If you’re in a matter-of-fact state of mind, you’re going to act in ways and put out the vibe that resonates with that. If you have an abundance in everything, you’ll be able to love in a non-attached way, where you extend your invitation, and then it’s up to the other person to accept or pass or think about it. When you’re okay with that, you give that person the freedom to come and go, and the people that are in your life are there because they chose to be there. People are going to treat you exactly how you perceive yourself to be. And when someone doesn’t accept your invitation, it just means you’re not compatible.)
I have a girl I have been seeing for 2 months and things were going really well, but I am sabotaging myself with coming off needy. (That tells me you’re trying to force things. You’re calling too much and trying to focus on getting her to kiss you, instead of creating the circumstances where she feels safe and comfortable enough to where she wants to start touching you, reaching out to you and pursuing you. When you’re trying to force something, your vibe is going to be off, and women can sense that. It makes them not feel safe with you. It makes them not feel comfortable, and they’re going to close up, push you away or withdraw. It’s so important to read my book 10-15 times, because it helps rewire the way you think and view yourself. If you believe you’re worthy and you act in ways that are worthy, even if you don’t feel you’re worthy right now, then people will respond to you like you’re worthy. The more you apply what’s in the book, the more you will see that it works, and you will lose your fear of the outcome, what may or may not happen. Act as if, even if you’re fearful. How would a confident person act?) For example, I went to her work Thanksgiving party last night. Things were great, and I went back to her place. We started having sex, and she said that she wasn’t going to cum and I stopped. She was pretty drunk, and we only went for about 5 minutes. (Making love is giving. It doesn’t matter, you can still make love to her. You don’t have to come. You have your own agenda. She’s looking for your strength.) She instantly rolled over, and I was dumb enough to ask her if something was wrong. When I have rolled over in the past, it was a bad sign… IDIOT!!! (Look at your self-talk. The good news is you were able to self-diagnose and know what was wrong. You became impatient and fearful, and you communicated to her, by rolling over, that you weren’t good enough. That’s going to piss her off more, because she tested your strength to see if you’re weak, and you communicated through your body language that you were weak.) She said I was over-thinking it and worse than a girl! She is right. She said if she didn’t want me here she wouldn’t invite me and stop over-thinking something to that extent. (She’s saying, you’re here because I want you here. Your constantly communicating you’re not worthy.)
It was a very, very weak moment, and I’m hoping she doesn’t run for the hills, since I was being a bitch. Two weeks ago, she was sending me nude pictures and talking about how much she wanted to have sex, last week the tone of the texts completely changed, and now all the physical contact is started by me or the naughty talking texts. (Unless she’s your girlfriend, you shouldn’t be sexting.) I feel like she is fading out a bit on the interest, and I am having to make all the physical contact. I know she likes me. How can I battle back from this? (Don’t do anything. Just go back to seeing her once a week. It sounds like you’re over-pursuing. You’re starting to realize where you’re going right and where you’re going wrong, and the more you’re aware of that, the more you will be able to exercise self-control. Your problem is, you’re just talking her out of it. You’re selling her on a version of you which is totally based on an irrational fear, because you are good enough to get this girl. But you’re making progress, and success is making progress. You’re obviously starting to see where you’re going wrong. Good job.)Thanks Coach,
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’m not writing to ask you anything in particular, but simply to thank you for what you do and how you have changed my life. What will be a one-year anniversary this coming weekend. I fell ice-skating and broke my ankle in two places whilst on a date with my long distance girlfriend from Scotland. I live near Belfast. At the time, the relationship was 8 months old, and I had noticed her distancing behavior, as you say, slowly over time. Long story short, things ended just after Christmas.
Honestly, although I had cared for her and probably way too much, I had been led to your videos by two female friends who love your no nonsense and humorous approach. (Give your two female friends a hug and a kiss from me, and tell them thanks for recommending me. There’s no higher compliment than women recommending my work.) Whilst I was laid up for this period, I watched a lot of your videos and purchased your book. I could see so much of me in your book, and so much of the incompatibility of our relationship. (Relationships are supposed to be easy and effortless. You’ll have the best results when you date a woman who has a good relationship with her mom and especially one who loves and respects her dad. She will be very trusting with men and won’t put up with any bullshit from men.) I read your book 4 times over a few weeks. I took my manhood back from her as you say, and she ended it by text, offering me the usual friendship card. I gave her the, give me a call if you change your mind, and needless to say she didn’t, Lol.Actually, when it ended I felt free at last. Free to love and accept myself unconditionally. For the first time in my life, I truly appreciated and loved myself. (Until you love, value and appreciate yourself, you won’t let anybody else love, value and appreciate you. You have to maintain your emotional self control.) Your teaching has brought me to this point and beyond. I truly love myself now. I am more positive about everything in my life, and I am more successful than ever before in my own business as a tiler. I have dated several girls this year, one who is 17 years younger than me at 35, and I am HAPPY. It feels great to love and accept yourself just the way you are. My broken ankle was a wake up call to me to get back on my road bike and start training harder than ever. I expect to cycle race again in 2017. (You hit the wall metaphorically.)
I purchased your audio version at the beginning of this week, and am on my third passing already. As you say, I hear and remember new things each time, and 20 times and beyond is my goal. Your work has woken me up, and I am slowly becoming the best version of myself, and a 3% man. Thank you Corey. (Thank you for that great success story.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“We all act in ways that are consistent with the story that we tell ourselves or the perception that we hold about ourselves. It does not matter if that view is accurate or not. Most people do not realize how their negative self-talk influences their decisions and actions. If you feel peaceful, relaxed, awesome, successful, confident and abundant, you typically will take action that is consistent with someone who is deserving of success and who expects to succeed. If you are fearful, uncertain, and timid and feel like you are unworthy or undeserving, you typically will take action that is consistent with someone who is not deserving of success and who expects to fail. Therefore, when you do not feel confident or worthy, you must visualize and imagine yourself as being surrounded by the circumstances you really want to create, take action and act as if it will work out eventually. Successful people take action despite their fears and an uncertain future. Failures avoid action and seek to settle for mediocrity and a non-existent quick-fix to gain certainty and peace of mind, because their beliefs are in conflict with their goals/outcomes.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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