Some things you should consider if you are dating a needy, communication hungry woman who gets mad when you don’t constantly text and communicate with her throughout the day.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a forty-three year old viewer who has been following my work for about a year and a half. He’s doing really well with online dating and meeting a lot of different women. In the past few months however, three different women of three different age groups all for the same reason have rejected him. They say he doesn’t text or communicate with them enough in between dates.
He’s a very busy professional with a very full social life. He asked one of them recently why they felt the way they did, and the conversation was very enlightening to him. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I had some conversations on Twitter earlier about a recent shooting that happened involving the police. You can see the video if you go to @CoachCoreyWayne on Twitter you can see it and you can see the discussion. Obviously, everybody was jumping in and making judgements on that, but the thing that I noticed was, this particular call was a domestic situation. And those typically for police officers tend to be the most dangerous, because you’re usually dealing with people that are irate and emotionally irrational.
You can see this guy is absolutely not complying and has zero respect for the police. And when I see something like that, you can tell when he grew up, there was a lack of a really strong, masculine father in the home that taught him how to be calm, cool and collected. Then I saw today’s email and thought, this is a perfect segue.
The reality is, men and women both need a strong masculine father and a strong feminine mother figure. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the parents. But they have to spend enough time in that kind of environment, so they’re balanced and they can be calm when they’re upset and talk things out, instead of just totally flying off the handle and getting angry. You just can’t work anything out with somebody that behaves that particular way.
So, this particular guy in the email is doing really well. He’s forty-three, and after the Covid thing happened, he started doing a lot of online dating, so he has a lot of dating prospects. In the past month or two, he’s had three different women that basically rejected him. He’s a very busy guy. He’s a professional, he’s got lots of hobbies, lots of interests and lots of things going on in his life. He just doesn’t have the time where he can be texting and talking to a girl all throughout the day, morning, noon and night.
I’m all about having a drama-free zone. You’re going to do your best work and you’re going to be your best self the more you can keep yourself in a peaceful and relaxed state. And the people you choose to hang out with and the women you choose to date are going to have a huge impact on that. You have to figure out which women are the kind of women you want to be dating and have long-term relationships with and the others you don’t want to be involved with, who will create drama, much like this particular shooting that just happened.
What you’ve got are people who have no emotional self-control, and in that particular situation, it can be deadly, especially if you’re not going to comply with the police. But when it comes to relationships, if you just want to have an easy, drama-free life and not stress out, if you’re choosing a woman that comes from a toxic type of environment, this is just what she knows. This is what she expects. This is the way she interacts with the world.
A lot of guys make the mistake of getting too emotionally involved with women that are just not good for them, because they’re really hot, they’re really attractive, there’s lots of things they like about them. But if they’re extremely difficult to get along with, and you’re looking for ease and delight in your life, it’s just not going to happen. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and to respond to it if you’re able. First off, I’ve been following you for a year and a half now and have learned so much from your book and your videos. I’ve definitely gone from having little clue regarding my relationships to a much, much greater clue! I’m on my fourth read of your book and will keep going for many years to come, as the lessons therein pay dividends beyond romantic relationships.
Absolutely. If you’ve got friends, toxic people in your life that are showing up with a truckload of problems and expecting you to deal with it, it gets old and tiring after a while. Me, especially at fifty, I don’t want to put up with any bullshit. I like people who are easy-going, easy to get along with, calm and don’t fly off the handle. Even when I was younger, I didn’t hang out with them. I had a few friends when I was really young that I would go out with, and they were hot-heads. They wanted to get in fights all the time. It’s like, I want to go out and have a good time. I’m not interested in getting into a fight, because some dude bumped into my buddy.
The other thing I’ve come to recognize, coming from a military family and having a lot of the friends I’ve developed relationships with over the years, some in law enforcement and some are retired special forces guys, they’re some of the most dangerous people in the world I would absolutely not want to mess with, because they’d kill you in an instant, but, they’re some of the nicest, kindest people you will ever meet. And I love being around people like that. They want to avoid violence at all costs, because they know all about it. I like being around people that are like that, looking for a reason or an excuse to laugh, and joke and have a good time.
Prior to the pandemic, I was meeting women the old school way and making quick connections, getting their numbers, (every single time I asked), and setting up dates shortly thereafter. Exuding confidence and quickly getting to the point always worked, and it was a ton of fun… you know, the thrill of the quick chase! However, once the pandemic hit, meeting women in real life became nearly impossible, so I finally turned to online dating two months ago and, let me just say, it’s like fishing in a barrel.
With good pics and a to-the-point profile, I’m getting contacted by women nearly every day and have met with so many of them, which has been really great. Despite social distancing measures, there are so many women who are longing for a connection, and I’ve been more than willing to satisfy that need.
Another thing I’ve noticed about online dating, versus just meeting women out in the real world is, some of the women I wrote about in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” the majority of them came from good families where there was a strong father, a feminine. submissive mother. They were, for the most part, pretty easy-going, easy to get along with. The only time the women I dated were difficult or a pain in the ass, usually the father figure was missing.
You see the same patterns over and over. When I’m doing phone sessions, and a guy starts telling me about the girl he’s dating, one of the things I always ask is, “Tell me about her family. What’s her relationship with her parents like? What’s her relationship with her father like?” Any time a guy’s with a difficult and toxic woman, there’s always a missing father, a weak father or a father who just simply wasn’t around. You can kind of set your watch to it. It is what it is.
So now to my issue. One thing that I’ve struggled with so far with a few women I’ve been with is managing the whole frequency of communication piece.
A caveat about the women I wrote about in my book and my relationships, not a single one of them have I met online. I always met them in person. And even to this day, they would never online date, because they get plenty of attention from men in their lives.
My personal experience is that you’re going to get a lot more difficult women when you’re doing online dating, so you have to go through a lot more prospects and you’re going to spend more time texting, messaging, talking on the phone versus going and meeting up them. And even a fewer amount of those you meet up with are going to turn into good prospects. I like meeting women in person. That’s the way I prefer it.
In these cases, I (as usual and as learned) limited my texting to simply setting up dates and then not texting in between. But three of the women, (only three so far of about 30), dropped me and came out and said matter of factly that it was because they wanted and needed more attention and were not satisfied with the frequency of my communications.
The thing to keep in mind is, they can call and text you if they want to talk to you. Some women get pissed off. They have these unreasonable demands where they expect the guy to behave a certain way, and then when he doesn’t, they get fucking pissed off. Then on top of that, they don’t communicate it.
Part of why you apply the things that are in my book is because you’re looking for a woman that’s kind of calm, easy-going, easy to get along with, no drama. Just like my favorite mug here — No drama allowed. I don’t allow drama at all, from anybody in my life — friends, family, women that I date. I just don’t put up with it.
I’m 43, and these women were aged 24, 32 and 40 respectively, so I didn’t think it was a generational thing. I also didn’t really care, because I’m in a state of abundance, (as you have referenced aiming for), and know that the next woman is less than 24 hours away from introducing herself to me, Lol. But it did make me curious to know what was up.
Well again, this is why you apply what’s in the book. You only date once a week. You only text or call to set up dates. Now, if the women want to call and reach out in between, they’re welcome to do that. But insecure, needy women don’t react too well to that. They get pissed off. Again, you want a woman who’s a net-plus in your life, who adds value to your life, not a chick that’s bringing all kinds of drama, that is just a pain in the ass, that will get mad at you and cancel dates, or not call you back on purpose, or wait a day or two to call you back because she’s being passive aggressive.
So, as an experiment, I decided to ask one of them, in this case the 32-year old, if she’d be willing to have a chat with me by phone. She agreed, perhaps thinking it would be a ploy to win her back, and so I called her and went straight to the point of asking her why it was that she needed more communication. And the next 30 minutes proved really interesting.
He’s asking a really good, high-quality question here. Because the quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask, of yourself obviously, and the people in your life.
She went into detail about how she wants morning, afternoon and evening check ins, and that when she doesn’t get that, she feels that guys have lost interest, which in turn drives her interest level down immensely.
Me personally, I’d be like, “No thanks. I’m just not interested in that.” In my life, I’ve always been busy. I’m in and out of meetings, and somebody that’s expecting me to text morning, noon and night all throughout the day — I’d rather get together in the evening and catch up and share what my day was like, what her day was like.
I usually date women that are successful and have careers. They’re not needy like this. They got plenty of strokes as a kid, unlike women who didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, didn’t get enough hugs or didn’t have a dad there to believe in them. They might joke around about it, about how “he’s busy with the gym” or “he’s busy with his appointments” and “not enough time with me,” but it’s always with a smile on her face, and she’s always happy that she gets to spend time with him.
She’s not trying to be an ass, but she’s communicating that she misses him. She cares about him, but she understands and respects the fact that he’s busy, and he’s got shit to handle. And when he has time, he’s going to be able to devote a hundred percent of his presence to her.
Like for me, if we’re on a date, I’m there. I’m not sitting there on my fucking phone, or texting other people or taking phone calls or anything like that. If I’m there, I’m a hundred percent present. And I don’t want to be bothered, and I don’t want to hang out with people that I invite to come out to lunch, and they’re on the phone all of the time, texting. I could just sit at home and go to lunch by myself than hang out with somebody that’s being that way.
I told her that in my case, I am a busy guy with a successful career, shared custody of a child, have hobbies I’m passionate about, etc., and that spending all day texting just wasn’t possible.
That’s his world. That’s his reality. If you have a girl you’re dating and she has a job, or doesn’t have a job, and she’s putting all of these unreasonable demands on you, I personally wouldn’t want to put up with it. Now, another guy might be cool with that. But me, no. I’m not going to deal with that.
She wasn’t buying that explanation whatsoever and said that she and her friends were all needy like that.
So, in other words, she doesn’t buy the explanation. Why? Because obviously, she doesn’t trust men. On some level she’s thinking, all men are the same. She’s bringing her own biases, her own wounds from childhood, and is expecting you to jump through your butt, so she doesn’t feel insecure about herself. I personally wouldn’t want to deal with that. Maybe some guys do, but thanks, but no thanks.
The conversation was really eye opening to say the least, and the only thing I could think of the more we spoke is that her attachment style was a very needy one, that despite her good lucks she was insecure, and that a guy like me, who couldn’t be bothered with endless messaging, just wasn’t pliable enough for her.
True. At the end of the day, that’s why you do the things that are in the book. Because these are the type of women that, say you’re out with your buddies and she’s not going to believe what you were saying either. She’s going to give you a hard time about it. Do you want a woman who comes home and jumps in your arms and is just happy to see you? Or a woman who’s like, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me back? I called three times today, and you were in meetings. Why didn’t your secretary interrupt you in the meetings?” No thanks. I’m going to pass on that.
As such Corey, I’d really love your insights on women like this.
Quite frankly, I avoid them like the plague. As soon as I get a hint of this or a vibe, I’m like, nope. I’m not going to deal with that. I’ve got too much good history, too many good memories with good women. I made good choices, for the most part, when it came to the women that I dated in my life.
I only had one that I got serious with that created a lot of drama, and she didn’t have a father growing up. He died when she was six. And I learned from that. If you violate the principles, then you’re going to get fucking burned. And she was a difficult pain in the ass.
She was grumpy, she was bitchy, she didn’t have any emotional self-control. She expected me to deal with her bitchiness. She was that way with her family and her son. I was like, “I don’t care how fucking hot you are and how all other men drool all over you. I don’t give a fuck. You can go on down the road. I don’t need that in my life.” It’s harsh, but no drama allowed.
Are these the type of women that are just emotionally unstable and need to be avoided at all costs anyway, or are they okay to date and just need a slightly modified approach to seal the deal with?
Again, you want to know really quickly before you get too involved, because it’s only going to get worse over time the more serious you get with them and the more their emotions get the best of them. In other words, as they start to fall in love with you, they’re going to make more and more unreasonable demands. And then, they’re going to get really bitchy and difficult. It’s like, it’s your life bro. You can do whatever you want. But me personally, they did you a favor.
If you want to have a drama-free life and drama-free relationships, let them go. They did you a favor. They disqualified themselves, and that’s why you apply the things in my book. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, that’s what you want. Maybe you can hook up with these girls a little bit, but I wouldn’t want to deal with that shit. But again, it’s your choice. You do what works for you.
I’m guessing it’s the former, but anything you can share would be gold to me and all of your loyal followers.
Cheers and continued success to you Corey,
Well, thanks for the good email and good topic actually. Like I said, I personally wouldn’t want to deal with it. It’s your life. You make your own choices. There’s plenty of stuff in the book. I know some guys that come to me that are already in relationships with women like this. Maybe they’re even married and are trying to work things out.
You’ve got to set healthy boundaries and hold women accountable to them. And if they’re misbehaving, give them the gift of missing you. And in some cases, you might have to give them a permanent gift of missing you, because it’s like, life’s too short. Why would you want to put up with that? It’s like coming home every night to a woman who’s ready to take her frustrations and her childhood wounds out on you. It’s like, why?
There’s seven and a half billion people on the planet. You’ve got unlimited choices, and like I always say, there’s another bus every fifteen minutes. Keep circulating until you find somebody. A good woman is worth the wait, even if it takes several years to find a really great one. Like I said many many times, you’ll get maybe two or three of those a decade from what I’ve found in my own personal experience. It’s definitely better to be alone than in bad company.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The best kind of women to date and the easiest to get along with tend to have a calming and kind demeanor. Women that are raised in homes with a strong masculine father and a feminine, submissive mother produce the most balanced, healthy and easy-going long-term dating prospects. Women who come from unbalanced or even toxic homes tend to be needy, irrational, create unnecessary drama and can be extremely difficult to get along with. Find a woman who is super nice to you, confident, respectful, easy-going and easy to get along with if you’d like to build a happy, healthy relationship and drama free life.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne
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