How and why acting needy or dating needy people will eventually wear anyone out to the point they lose interest and respect for the needy person and no longer want to date them, and what you can say and do if you’re dating a needy person to influence them in a positive way to be more confident.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is becoming increasingly tired of, resentful and annoyed with her boyfriend’s constant need for validation, approval and reassurance that she loves him. She says he suffers from severe depression, and she understands he is sensitive and insecure. No matter how much she tells him she cares, it’s never enough, and a short time later, he is back for another session of being an emotional energy vampire.
She often feels like she is the man in the relationship and wants to know what she can do or say to him, in a loving way, to get him to grow some balls, develop some self confidence and start consistently being the man in their relationship. At this point, she says the relationship is not very satisfying to her. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
I’ve seen some of your videos, and I’m looking for some advice. My boyfriend suffers from severe depression. (At the end of the day, that’s his issue. You can love him, but it’s not your job to fix or save him. When you’re dealing with a needy person, they’re showing up in the relationship to get something from you that they’re lacking, which is a bad situation.) I understand that he is sensitive and insecure, and I try to be accepting of that. He is very needy, often needing me to remind him of how important he is to me or how much I love him. No matter how much I try to reassure him, he never seems satisfied and needs more reassurance within 24 hours. (After a while, this will drive you up a wall. If he suffers from depression, he needs professional help.) Two nights ago, he asked me what I find interesting about him, and I answered him in what I found to be a satisfactory way, but he still seemed insecure. Last night, he asked me if I just stay with him out of pity. (That statement doesn’t make him look attractive. No girlfriend wants to hear that. You want an equal and a teammate, a guy who feels he deserves to be with you. You need to be brutally honest and explicitly communicate that to him in logical terms he can understand.) I am getting frustrated with always having to deal with his low self-confidence. I sometimes feel like I am pushing my feelings to the side to take care of his and reassure him. (You feel you’re losing yourself in the relationship.) I often find myself comparing him to my exes, who never needed that reassurance from me. My ex boyfriends were confident and didn’t always turn my insecurities into their own, and I wish my boyfriend could be more like that. (Just tell him you’re not his therapist, and you can’t make him happy.) I don’t want to tell him that I think he’s too needy or too weak, and I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to change him, but the way this relationship is working is starting to irk me. (Your relationship really isn’t working, but you’ve got to tell him in a way he understands.) I often feel just as much of the man in the relationship as him, if not more.
Is there any way I can influence him without telling him to be manlier? (Point out the specific statements he makes that bother you.) I love him, I really do, but I am tired of feeling like the man in the relationship and having to bury my insecurities to take care of him. I don’t want to break up with him, but this relationship isn’t very satisfying to me the way that it is working. (Remember the statements I mention in my book and in countless videos. Sometimes when a woman finally breaks up with a guy, the romantic feelings have been completely gone for a while, and they just want to get away. Ending the relationship at that point feels like a relief to the woman, because their emotions are no longer engaged, and they can easily move on to another man.)
“Needy and insecure people do not think very highly of themselves. This causes them to force their interactions with other people, seek approval, seek validation from others, try too hard and generally be overbearing and obnoxious. To the needy person, no amount of validation or love from other people is ever enough to satisfy their insatiable appetite for positive encouragement and validation. Needy people usually did not get enough strokes as a kid and never really felt loved by their parents or family. When they become adults, they become unconsciously driven to seek the love they never got from their parents from other people. When a person becomes emotionally conditioned to think a certain way or expect they won’t be loved, this unhealthy baseline model of the world clouds every human interaction in a negative, and often destructive, way. People should focus on their own internal happiness, meeting their own needs and being grateful for what they have first, and once they have achieved this state of inner peace, only then can they love in a healthy way by giving, instead of seeking happiness, validation and approval from others in order to feel good about themselves.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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