How to successfully negotiate from a superior position of strength, so you can get the personal and professional terms you want for your life and relationships, and to create the lifetime habit of winning at all you endeavor to accomplish and achieve.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who met a guy six months ago. He had a girlfriend at the time they first met and was therefore unavailable. Two weeks ago, they ran into each other at a conference. Apparently, he was newly single and hitting on her. The conference lasted five days, they were inseparable the entire time and they hooked up on the last night. After the conference, he contacted her for another date. At the end of the night, he told her he could not have sex with her anymore, because he was not looking for a relationship, and he did not want her to get attached or have expectations of a relationship.
He says he wanted to continue seeing her, but in a platonic way. She told him she was not interested in that, but for him to get in touch with her in the future, once he figured himself out. He said he would think about it and let her know when things changed. She asks my opinion and what I think. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
I’m a big fan of your work. Even though most of your videos are made for men, I really hope you can help me with my situation. I love how honest and no BS your answers are. (I’m here to tell you like it is.) I met this guy 6 months ago. He had a girlfriend then. Two weeks ago, we went to the same conference, and he hit on me. Apparently, he recently broke up with his 5-year girlfriend. (Keep in mind, five years is a long time to date someone. When you’re with someone for that long, your whole identity becomes associated with being in relationship with that person, so he may be all over the ice for awhile. You need to proceed with caution. Stay focused on the outcome you want, objectively look at the person you’re getting involved with, and see them for who they really are. Write down the pros and cons of what you’re looking for in a person, review them and focus on that list of criteria when meeting new people. If you’re not dating a spectacular person, you’re not going to have a spectacular relationship.) We had tons of fun at the conference, and were pretty much inseparable for 5 days. He held my hand and kissed me in front of our friends. We eventually hooked up on the last night.
After the conference, he asked me out again. We went out, then went back to his place, made out and that’s when he told me: “I can’t have sex with you. I’m too busy for a relationship, and I don’t want you to have expectation. I still want to continue seeing you, but we shouldn’t go back to my place next time.” (If you’re focusing on your outcome and you want a great relationship with somebody, this guy is not a good candidate. He’s not ready, willing and able to have a relationship. It sounds like his emotions might be raw, and he needs some time on his own.) I acted cool then, but the next day I sent him a message: “I had an amazing time with you. However, I’m at the stage in life where I know exactly what I want, (That’s awesome. Good for you), so I can’t see you until you figure out your priorities.” (That is the perfect response. If you want spectacular, you have to be with someone who makes you feel spectacular on the inside, somebody who’s easy and effortless to get along with.) He responded with: “I’ll think this over and let you know when things change with me. I have had a lot of fun with you too. I was super happy this morning because of our hang out yesterday.” (Your time is limited, to don’t waste your time with somebody who is unavailable.)
So my questions are, did I do the right thing by walking away? (You bet your ass you did. It took a lot of guts to say that. You should be proud of yourself.) Would it be better if I stick around and see him without sex? (Obviously sex is important to you, but you told him you aren’t interested in the terms he’s offering. You deserve to have what you want.) Also, I want to understand the psychology of men. What could be the reason why he doesn’t want a relationship? (He’s right out of a relationship, so he might need time to heal. You may have also come on too strong. However, at the end of the day, he pushed you away, so you handled yourself correctly.) Does he want to get back with the ex? (That’s totally possible as well. This guy just doesn’t have a clean situation. He’s not ready, willing, able and open to have a relationship, or even be dating.) Does he want to heal from the break up? (I’d say it’s a good idea, and he should probably do that.) Does he think that I’m not good enough for him long term? (That’s possible too, but look at his actions. What he has done is express he can’t show up and be present 100% the way you deserve. Why would you want to torture yourself?) He broke up with his ex, because he outgrew her. He’s very successful, in the top 0.01%.
I would love to hear back from you. (Remember this Oscar Wilde quote: “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” This guy spent five years being defined by the relationship with his ex, and it hasn’t been that long since he’s been out of that relationship. He’s still trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. It doesn’t sound like he has his shit together. When he reaches out, ask him questions and see if he is enthusiastic to be with you. If he’s not excited, don’t waste your time. Lack of enthusiasm is a deal breaker.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You should think of life as a lifelong, constant and never-ending process of successful negotiation to create and maintain the life and lifestyle you’ve always wanted. It’s like a bazaar of life with endless streams of people and circumstances trying to sell you on why you should do what they want you to do, or you selling them on why they should do what you want them to do. Sometimes, a deal can’t always be made. Great deals are made with the win/win or no deal philosophy. When terms are not to your liking, do not settle. Walk away, never look back, and continue seeking and searching for what you want. Success only releases its reward long after you thought it would have, and after pretty much everyone else has long since given up. Doing things that are difficult take a long time to accomplish, while things that seem impossible usually just take a little while longer.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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