Never Agree To A Relationship Unless She’s Drama Free & Nice To You

Why you should never agree to a relationship unless she’s drama free & nice to you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dated a woman who has no relationship with her parents. She was in the middle of a divorce and displayed several red flags. He clearly cared more about her than she did about him. Despite the red flags, he still focused on a relationship even though her behavior should have precluded it. He wonders if she will be back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Never Agree To A Relationship Unless She’s Drama Free & Nice To You”.

So I talked about this a lot. If you’re in the process of moving towards a relationship with a girl you’ve been dating, and there’s some behavior that is suboptimal, less than ideal, especially if she’s not nice to you, or she’s constantly bringing in drama and she wants you to be exclusive. Well, the only way you should agree to be exclusive is if certain things change. In other words, certain behaviors change. The drama changes.

Because otherwise, if she’s not willing to do those things and through her actions, even if she commits to it, if her actions show that she’s not going to do it, then you withhold your commitment to her, and tell her, “I’m just going to keep things casual. We can be friends with benefits, sex playmates, fuck buddies. But I’m not going to be your boyfriend. I’m not going to commit to you exclusively. I’m going to date other women. I’m going to sleep with other women.

And when I find somebody that’s nice and drama free, I’m going to get serious with her, and then you’re going to lose me. But in the meantime, we can have a lot of fun together.” Which, you know, good, clean fun. Why not. Good good clean sweaty fun. Why not? So this particular email this guy is dating a woman. She has zero relationship with either one of her parents. So automatically, that’s a huge red flag. Girls that come from broken homes, the chances of having a. And you’re not going to fix them with the book.

As great as the book is, it’s not going to fix an abnormal or a broken woman. She’s going to have to do those things herself. She has to work on herself and fix those issues. And if she’s not going to do that, then she’s not going to get a commitment. So you have to understand that the reward is your commitment to them. And if they don’t display the behavior that would warrant you committing to them, then you don’t. You continue to do what you want. Doesn’t matter how much they protest or bitch or complain.

They’ve got to treat you the way you want to be treated. If not, they’re going to eventually see you ride off into the sunset with another woman. That’s just a fact of life. Good men who are good to you, good for you, good for the soul are rare and hard to find. And guys like us are just not going to commit to anybody. If they’re abusive or they’re full of drama, it’s just, we can hook up, we can be fuck buddies, but we ain’t going to be your boyfriend. We ain’t going to be your husband. It’s not going to happen.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You can’t cave to a woman that berates you and abuses you like this. Because then that just enables her behavior. It communicates to her that her looks are good enough. That’s all she needs is hot looks and a hot body and be good in bed. And most men will put up with those things. But 3% men, no, we’re not putting up with that shit. Absolutely fucking not. Easygoing, easy to get along with and nice to you. Gotta be nice. We like nice girls.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

My name is Bob. I have read your book several times, especially since my breakup with a woman named Jessica, and I am trying to understand whether the relationship was ever workable. I’m 33, and she’s 32. We met at a bar in my town. I walked up to her, got her number, and later asked if she wanted to go home with me, and she agreed. After that, I didn’t hear from her for almost a week until she texted asking if I would be at the same bar. When I showed up, she was affectionate and excited to see me. She lived two hours away, was going through a divorce, and was still staying in the same house because her ex had moved out, so things felt unstable from the beginning.

Well, I wrote about this in the book. Dating a woman who’s in the middle of a divorce. I wouldn’t recommend it. I wouldn’t recommend it unless she’s completely done, over, moved out, and the divorce is finalized. But if you’re going to date somebody that’s in a divorce and her life is a mess, I would only agree to be friends with benefits, sex playmates, fuck buddies until it’s resolved. And on top of that, she’s got to be on her best behavior, and she’s got to treat you like gold. Otherwise, you will ride off into the sunset.

Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Whatever you tolerate, you’re going to invite more of. And committing to a woman you only commit when she displays the behavior that you want to see. And if she doesn’t display it, she don’t get your commitment. Pretty simple. And definitely wear a raincoat so you don’t get yourselves in a situation where you slip on past the goalie.

Over the next few months, we saw each other weekly or every couple of weeks. Early on she told me she felt like she was always the one reaching out, and that sometimes she felt single because of how little we talked.

Well, she’s two hours away and she’s in the middle of divorce and she’s living in her ex’s house. You don’t know what the fuck is going on when you’re not around. Most guys are not going to want to commit to that, that have choice. And you can bring that up to her. It’s like, “Look, you live with your ex. Or you live in his house. I don’t know if he’s coming or going. I don’t know what’s going on. You’re two hours away. You want me to commit to you and be an exclusive relationship? You’re still not divorced. You live two hours away. You live in your ex’s house, so he’s probably paying your bills. So what’s your motivation to really finalize the divorce? Especially if he’s not going to pay your bills anymore? It’s like, what’s the advantage for me? Why would I want to commit to that? I like you, I like hanging out with you.”

That stuck with me and made me unsure of how much pursuit she actually wanted.

Well, the idea is she should be doing more of it. If you’re following what’s in the book, 95% to 100% of the pursuing should be done by her. And the only time you ever pursue or reach out is if she complains a bunch of times. Then you could surprise her once a week with a phone call, or a FaceTime or a text. Or write her a little card, say something nice about her and your relationship and what you love about her. Mail it to her. Maybe write a little Post-it note, a little sweet note, and put it on the visor in her car. So when she gets out to go to work, she pulls it down and there’s a little, “Hey, babe, I was thinking about you. Have a great day. Love you. Bob.” Something along those lines.

Because when a woman complains, you never reach out. She’s really saying, “Hey, you. I feel like you don’t care about me at all because you never make any effort.” And so you can make a little bit of an effort, but make it sporadic, unpredictable and sparse. Because scarcity creates value. Because the reality is women are natural chasers. They do, naturally, they do the pursuing. They’re designed to get a man’s attention, and they do it naturally and innately.

When she would disappear for hours or go quiet, it made me anxious because I couldn’t tell if she wanted space or reassurance.

Well, dating is like tennis. So it kind of sounds like you still have a hard time dealing with not hearing from your girl. And you freak out and you worry about it because you just haven’t had enough time with the woman. Applying the book properly to see that she’s going to be stuck to you like white on rice all the time. Stuck to you like a sucker fish.

A few months in, someone randomly posted me on a Facebook dating page, which upset her, and she broke up with me. She said she cared about me but didn’t have the emotional capacity because of the divorce and the distance.

Well, women don’t dump men they’re in love with. So that tells me your attraction was low. And the Facebook dating thing was just the excuse.

Two weeks later, we ran into each other at a Saint Patrick’s Day event. I walked up and told her she should just go ahead and kiss me, and she kissed me immediately. We spent the night and the entire next day together, and she said she had so much fun and that nothing felt different.

A few weeks later, she came down for my birthday, made dinner reservations, wrote me a letter, and gave me tickets to a team I like. I thought things were solid again. But a couple of months later, she got drunk at a bar and let another guy pull her hair right in front of me. I never caught her cheating, but when she drank, she often acted flirty with other guys, which made me question her commitment.

Again, remember she has zero relationship with her mom or dad. Comes from a broken home. So we don’t expect women that come from broken homes to act normal unless they’ve done a lot of work on themselves. And quite frankly, most women just won’t. The average human being most tend to major and minor things.

She also has no relationship with either parent and tends to shut down emotionally whenever something serious comes up. Eventually, she broke up with me again. We still hooked up afterward, but whenever I tried making plans, she said she was busy or unsure.

Okay, so I can tell what’s going on here. It’s that you’re not letting this woman come to you. You’re still reaching out and pursuing too much. Probably because of what she said about you never pursue. Then you probably went into 50/50 mode. And so that’s why she dumped you, is because her interest was low. So she has the control and the power and the relationship, and you’re still pursuing. The fact that you’re trying to get her to make plans. And she’s going, “Oh, I’m busy”, or “I’m unsure.” That tells me you’re over pursuing. In other words, she knows exactly where she stands with you. She’s got you wrapped around her finger and she has her take it or leave it kind of attitude, because you’ve just given her too much attention and validation.

You’re not really following what’s in the book. So it looks like she was able to successfully intimidate you in a jumping through your butt and pursuing because you doubted yourself. You strayed from the book, and she’s just blowing you off and not even returning your calls or making plans. You got to pay attention to that. If you try to make plans and she’s like, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m unsure my schedule.” And say, “Hey, figure out your schedule and get back.” But at this point in the relationship, she should be doing 95% to 100% of the pursuing.

And if you’ve started pursuing where you’re doing 50/50, it’s like you’re going to get friend zoned. It could be a gay relationship, a lesbian relationship, heterosexual relationship. If you’re the masculine one and it’s 50/50 pursuing, you’re going to get friend zoned. It just turns the feminine essence off. It’s just a fact of life. Even if she tells you, “Oh, it’s got to be 50/50.” Bullshit. She’ll say 50/50, but she’ll still dump you because she doesn’t feel anything. Because women don’t care what a good guy you are, or how much you call or text them. They only care about how they feel about you.

And the reason she dumped you is because her interest was low, because you kept chasing after her. Instead of looking at the situation going, “It’s messy. She’s two hours away. She lives in her ex’s home. It’s like, why would I commit to somebody like that?” That just sounds like you’re kind of needy and desperate and worried you can’t find anybody else. So you need to get back into the book and really take it seriously and take learning seriously. Because she’s basically, as soon as she says jump, you’re like, how high, Madam. How high, Your Highness. She says jump through your butt and you’re like. How many times do you want me to jump through my butt, sweetheart?

What confused me most was that she still came to Pittsburgh to see her friends but wouldn’t see me.

So again, you’re chasing somebody that’s coming to your town and won’t even see you. You’re not following the book at all. That’s why you’re getting your ass handed to you. And on top of that, she’s not really the type of woman that, you know, her situation is just messy.

Even though she said distance “wouldn’t work.”

So she’s telling you, “Oh, long distance is not going to work with you.” And yet you’re still chasing her. So, bro, get serious, read the book and actually apply it and implement it because you’re doing the opposite.

Yet there were weekends she’d stay with me, cook for me, and it felt like things were finally changing.

Well again, you keep acting like a beta male. You keep over pursuing, that’s what you’re going to get. So this is not surprising at all that you’re getting jerked around, blown off. She treats you like shit. She comes to your city and won’t even see you and hangs out with her friends instead.

I’ve started meeting other women, but I still miss her. Based on everything she was dealing with, divorce stress, drinking, emotional shutdowns, inconsistent communication, and my own mistakes, I’m trying to understand whether this is something that could ever work again or if she simply isn’t capable of a healthy relationship right now.

Well, again, your attitude should just be hanging out, having fun, and hooking up when she reaches out. Even if she bitches, you never reach out. It’s it sounds like she intimidated you in the beginning and you fell apart. You threw the book out the window. Did what she told you to do. And what happened? You over pursued to the point where she didn’t want to see you when she came to your town. So, hello dude. You’ve got to pull your head out of your butt and start applying what’s in the book instead of doing the opposite.

Should I expect her to reach out someday, or is fully moving on the best option?

Thank you,

Bob

You should fully move on. Never, ever call her again as long as you live from here forward dude. She’s got to do 100% of the reaching out, the calling, the texting, the pursuing, the initiating contact. You just invite her over to make dinner at your place. Follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She has to come to you at least three dates in a row, and as long as you hook up all three dates, then you can meet her out and pick her up. But you still got to let her do all the contact initiation.

And then what will happen is the power will start to shift back in your favor. She’ll want to come see you more. She’ll talk about the future more. And don’t agree to be your boyfriend unless these things change. The problem is, you went against the principles in the book. You lowered her interest to the point where she blew you off and didn’t even want to see you when she came to your city. That tells me you’re living in an alternate reality and not seeing reality as it is. You’re seeing as much better than it is.

So you need to wake up, dude, pull your head out of your butt. Because you are absolutely clueless in your interactions and how you’ve been behaving with this woman. It’s not masculine. And on top of that, you’re chasing after a woman that treats you like an afterthought. So take reading the book seriously 10 to 15 times. Read it so much you could literally teach a class on it. The best way is to put the audiobook on 2X speed, and then follow along with a digital or a physical copy. And then you can get through it in about four hours.

But you got to take this seriously because again, I can tell from what’s going on here and your behavior and your mindset, it’s like she’s got all the power. She basically became the man in the relationship. So it’s kind of hard to tell if a healthy relationship is possible, because if she doesn’t respect you, she’s going to treat you like shit like she has been doing. So then the question becomes, how will she treat you when she’s head over heels in love? Will she submit? Will she follow your lead? Will she treat you the way you want to be treated? Will she stop the drama? Will she stop the other unattractive things that you don’t like? And if she doesn’t, then you don’t agree to be exclusive with her and you keep dating other women.

Besides, she’s still married to somebody else. This is somebody else’s wife by the way. And that’s what you’re kind of ignoring. So clean up your behavior first, and then you’ll get a better feel for whether this is fixable or not with her. Because as long as she doesn’t respect you and she’s blowing you off and you’re begging her to spend time with you when she comes to your city and she still won’t. It’s like, dude, you’re not going to get anywhere. No woman is going to want you when you behave that way. You’re literally living and doing the opposite of what the book teaches.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.