All these guys really do is communicate to these women that they do not understand how attraction works, nor do they have much success with women. When a guy takes a risk and asks a woman out, most women whether they accept it or not, will appreciate it and be grateful that men find them attractive. It will brighten their day.
When a guy gets rejected and then goes into super-apologizer mode, he simply makes both of them feel awkward and uncomfortable. Instead of walking away having made her day even though she turned him down because she is unavailable, and making himself feel good for taking the risk and asking, she walks away feeling glad she is no longer single and having to put up with bad pickup artists; he walks away feeling uncomfortable.
Not every woman is going to be as attracted to you as you are to them. You’re not going to have chemistry with every woman who finds you attractive. Most guys put all of their eggs in one basket when it comes to picking a woman they like. They act like the woman is the last available single woman on the face of the earth. If he screws it up, he’ll be single forever. This is a poverty mindset. Men who are successful with women believe they are paying a woman a huge compliment when they ask her out for a date. If they get turned down, they feel it’s her loss, and they authentically feel that way. It’s the same thing with eye contact. When you make eye contact with a woman, you make sure she is the one to look away first. If you look away first, this communicates that you are submissive and see yourself as having less social status than she does. Even if she thought you were attractive, she will reject you because your eyes communicate that you do not feel you deserve her. Guys who walk around feeling like they don’t deserve to have what they want, are always apologizing for what they want. Women are very familiar with these guys. Why? Because most men are like this around women they like. Don’t believe me? Ask them!
Men should see their sexual attraction and interest in a woman as his gift and complement to her for being a beautiful goddess. He celebrates her beauty by risking rejection to acknowledge that he wants her. She will either accept or decline his offer. If he gets turned down, he’s simply focused on finding the next available candidate. He does not worry or stress about this. Why? Because he has an attitude that all is well, and everything eventually works out for him in the end… and the bedroom. He simply sees no reason to stress about it. He knows there is another bus every 15 minutes. If he is having an off day or a bad day, he knows that better will come tomorrow. If he’s working overseas and there simply aren’t many available single women around, he’s not worried, because eventually he will be someplace where there are tons of women, and then it will be like shooting fish in a barrel. The following is an e-mail I got from a reader. He’s currently serving in Afghanistan to train the Afghan national Army. There aren’t very many women around. He went on a date when he was on vacation recently with a woman he has known for five or six years. However, afterwards he made some huge blunders. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
I just got your book, “How to be a 3% Man” for my Kindle. (You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn the basics of approaching, dating & understanding what women really want in a man.) I see how I’ve made a mess of my situation. I already knew it was a mess, but now I’m learning about why.
I got divorced after a 7 year marriage last July. Was with her for around 15 years total. I don’t get to have the relationship with my kids I’d like, even over the phone and things with the ex have not been that great. Largely because she keeps asking for extra money. I cut her off on that now though. Was trying to think of my kids before but I’ve had enough. She’ll have to work it out. She already get an exorbitant amount of money every month. I’m working in Iraq right now. I went to see my kids over Christmas. Except for a trip home to bury my mom, I hadn’t been back in 16 months.
(Thank you for your service brother!)
While planning my vacation, I asked a good friend to dinner and set up a date while back there. I started thinking about all kinds of stuff, just like you mention in the book, long term relationship, on and on.
(Bad idea. You need to learn to go with the flow. Being a military guy you are trained to take action. When it comes to succeeding with women, its the Illusion of Action that gets guys in trouble when they try to do too much too soon.)
I’ve known this woman and been friends with her for around 5-6 years, but barely had more than email contact with her for around 3 years. Originally it was just dinner, then I invited her to the Lion King. Good seats and a nice dinner after, so to fill in details, she knew it was not cheap.
(Women don’t want your stuff, they want you. Stop trying to use money and extravagance to impress a woman. Just take women out for simple dates to keep them laughing and having a good time with playful banter. Make sure on dates you go on with all women, that you make sure she is doing 70%-80% of the talking by asking questions because you are fascinated and want to know more about who she is as a woman. By asking about her and listening to her responses, you communicate thru your actions that you care and are sincerely interested in who she is as a woman. That creates attraction. Talking about your achievements, money, cars, etc. will turn her off and kill sexual attraction. This makes guys look like shallow, selfish and self absorbed jerks when they talk about themselves, instead of getting to know their dates and remaining a mystery themselves. It forces women to have to work to get to know you. Women like men who are a challenge.)
It wasn’t actually just to impress her though. My first night out like that in ages and my only real adult time without my kids while home, so I didn’t want to go small.
(With women, less really is… more. Big dates are for special women who have proven thru their actions over time that they are a good catch. When you go bigtime on your first date, that sets the standard. Now big dates are the standard she always expects.)
Good times and we agreed to see each other again.
(You don’t make 2nd dates while on your 1st date. Weak, needy behavior. The more you talk about your future together, the more you lower your chances of having a future with her.)
Beforehand, I had made all kinds of crazy plans for the date, with a limo and everything… boy I feel like an idiot now. I asked some female friends for advice because I felt like I was out of control. They tried to help me and reined me in. Eventually it was down to just the Lion King and dinner. The date itself went well I thought. It was later where I screwed up so bad. When I asked her out it was really just as a friend. Then other feelings crept in. If those feelings were there before, I don’t think I knew it.
(Come on! You’re bullshitting yourself.)
I knew I didn’t understand those feelings, but I wanted to.
I saw her at a business meeting. Afterward, I told her I had a gift for her. It was a Christmas gift but I just said a gift.
(Don’t give gifts to women who aren’t your girlfriend or wife. It’s inappropriate and out of sequence with only 1 date.)
She said give it to her later. The next day she said as my friend she wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting anything more than our date.
(See, you made her feel uncomfortable here. The gift is inappropriate at this stage. Too much too soon.)
The next day I called and left a message(s). Poor choice, I did it while she was at work and I was driving on icy roads. I ended up leaving 12 voice mails and 40 minutes of messages to say what I wanted.
(You never do stuff like that! You just called and threw up all over her on the phone.)
Told her I loved her as a friend and a bunch of stuff I can’t remember, but part of the messages were just me saying “Hold on” while the car was sliding around on ice and stuff like that. Part were the “Hey it’s me again”, from the last cut off voice mail. Her friendship has been way more important to me than romance through this whole thing.
(I think you’re bullshitting yourself here again. You want her. Friendship is really secondary to you it would seem from your actions.)
She texted me after the voice mails and basically asked me to stop. Actually it was “I’ve been in meetings all morning and saw 12 missed calls and 40 minutes of voice mails. Please Stop. I’m appreciate your friendship and thankful you understand.”
(Translation: “Back off dude, you’re making me feel uncomfortable and starting to act like a stalker.”)
I emailed and texted her back apologizing. I hadn’t realized I called that many times. Told her I would understand if I never heard from her again. Mentioned that by then she had to know I was wondering about being more than friends.
(You never bring things up that way. Women want to be in a love story that just happens and evolves slowly over time. It does not start out with talk of relationships, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. It’s simply about having a good time together that eventually ends up in the bedroom when you play your cards right.)
Told her the friendship was more important.
Told her that I knew I may have destroyed the friendship. She emailed me back the next day and said “Our friendship is fine, relax and have a great holiday.”
(You have communicated to her that you do not understand how attraction works between a man and a woman.)
At dinner I had told her I had a book for her that was purchased to support a charity and wanted to give her one. She agreed to accept it. Before I came back to Iraq, I emailed her and asked if she would still accept that. I also started playing “Words with Friends” on Facebook and challenged her to a game. She never returned the email about the book and declined the game. So, I see now, after reading some of your book, how I was chasing her and doing everything wrong.
(Yep, you made her feel uncomfortable. Your continued attempts at apologizing for your behavior make you look weak in her eyes.)
I think I want to send her a letter to try to fix all this, but now I just don’t know what to do.
(DON’T!!! There is nothing to fix. She already told you that. All you will do is make things worse. You wanted her, then you over-thought it and blew it. Do nothing. If your friendship is so important to her, she will eventually contact you again. If she does not, then you know the friendship really was not that important to her.)
I’m kind of like the guys you mention. I have written numerous versions of a letter to her, and not sent anything, but really just don’t know what to say in it.
(Nothing to say. This is YOUR insecurity and YOUR weakness that YOU need to deal with. Leave her out of it. Focus on learning and becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.)
Honestly, I doubt she has given this even a fraction of the thought I have.
(I guarantee that for sure!!!!)
Currently I work as a trainer for the Iraqi Army. If I can at least salvage the friendship that is truly important to me.
(What’s really important is, you wanted to get into her pants, but messed it up.)
I “think” but am not sure that I want to explore other possibilities although that now seems unlikely.
(Yea, I think you threw a nice frag grenade into that relationship. Look at the bright side, you learned something! I bet you won’t make the same mistakes with the next girl. Just suck it up, man up, try to get better and get ready for the next girl.)
I had all these concerns that once I had those feelings, if I did not take action and reach some sort of conclusion to the issue while there, that I would be removed from the potential suitor category forever because some lucky guy will snatch her up.
(It’s called a scarcity and poverty mindset. You act like this is the last woman on planet earth. Therefore, you act from a place of fear. Relationship/dating decisions made from fear will bring about what you are trying to avoid; i.e. rejection. What you fear you attract, what you look at… disappears. Fear will keep you alert, sharp and alive in combat, but it will get you rejected with the ladies.)
Emotionally though, I continue to think about her.
(Let it go. There’s no sense getting yourself stuck in the past. The past does not equal the future.)
Although it’s not as bad now as it was a couple of weeks ago. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and another thought that has come to me is this. More reason why I really believe huge parts of this are not even related to the issue with my friend but actually about me not being where I need to be as a person after the divorce.
(Bingo!!! Women want you at your best personally.)
I’d be happy to pay for a phone coaching session but it’s just not reasonably done from here. Phone service where you could call me just isn’t available to me.
(You can book a phone coaching session by CLICKING HERE.)
I made a donation on your website. The book is easily worth way more than the $9.99 I paid for it. Happy to make another donation as well, for your help on this.
(I love and appreciate all donations!)
From reading your book, so many things make sense that baffled me before, from my marriage and other things with women in general.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.” – Anna Quindlen