Why you should never get butt-hurt, perturbed or jealous of your girl’s exes and what to do instead.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers who have a similar issue. They both are getting butt-hurt, perturbed and jealous of their partners’ exes, and it’s causing unnecessary friction and drama in their relationships.
This is extremely unattractive behavior that turns women off and makes men look weak and like they feel inferior to the men who the women used to be in a relationship with. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
This is another conversation about when you start wanting to go through somebody’s sexual past and sexual history, how is it going to help you? I mean, obviously, you’re going to want to know if a girl slept with hundreds of dudes, but if she’s like most women and had a series of boyfriends, you don’t want to know all the details of everything that goes on between the two of them. The reality is, if you’re getting butt-hurt, and perturbed, and upset, and you look jealous and insecure of the exes, that makes you look weak. It doesn’t make you look like a James Bond. It makes you look like a guy that feels insecure and inferior.
The number one most important thing to women that they find attractive in men is confidence. And if you’re not displaying confidence and you’re getting upset and butt-hurt over a relationship that they may have had many years before, it’s going to make you look weak. It’s going to cause her to lose attraction, to back away and test, and nothing positive is going to come from a man behaving this particular way. James Bond is not going to feel threatened by any dude, an ex or whatever it happens to be. He’s going to be amused by it. He may even be looking and thinking, “That dude is kind of pathetic, but I’ll be nice.”
First Viewer’s Email:
How are you? My name is Bob, and I have been following you for like 4 years now. I’ve read the book 11 times and watched a lot of your YouTube videos.
I got married to my dream girl 4 months ago after 2 years of dating. She was dating other guys before me, of course. One of them was a dude that used to be my high school Business teacher, and she was dating him for 4 years. And what was worse was that he was the one that ended it with her 3 months before we got together. I didn’t find out about this until lately.
And so, here’s how this guy interacts with him. Or I should say, this is what his relationship was with this particular teacher.
I respected this dude a lot. He even used to come to our house and teach my little brother as a home teacher. I understand that this topic is never good to talk about, but I asked her why she never told me this, since she knew how much I respected that dude and never wanted to date a girl that he had fucked.
I don’t know why that would be an issue or why you’d be thinking about that. He didn’t elaborate. Maybe the guy banged a lot of women, or he was jealous and inferior, because he didn’t like the fact that this guy was successful with other women. We don’t know. But obviously, he does not like the fact that this teacher used to date his now wife for four years and he just found out about it. The reality is, that relationship had nothing to do with him. It happened before they were ever together.
She said that it was not a good topic to talk about and that she didn’t want me to even know about it, and she is absolutely 100% right.
Man, this kind of a situation like this, yeah, you know she’s got exes, but to go through who they were or how long they were together? Especially if you end up knowing the guy. If you ever saw the movie “Office Space,” there’s a part where Ron Livingston’s is dating Jennifer Aniston’s character. Jennifer Aniston works as a waitress.
And so, this boss that they all can’t stand, his name is Lumbergh, is just a douchey kind of guy. And so, they get on the subject of exes at some point in the movie or who they used to date, or he finds out that she used to date somebody with the same last name, and he assumes it’s his boss. He’s thinking “My now girlfriend used to date and sleep with my boss?!” and he’s getting all freaked out about it. And it causes problems, obviously, because she’s like, “Who cares? What difference does it make? It was a long time ago.” He comes to find out it was actually just a dude with the same name.
But even in the movie, it was a good instance of the guy’s getting upset about who his girl used to date in the past, just because he’s imagining, “How could you date this douchey guy that’s my boss?” But it turns out, when he really looked into it, it was somebody else that just had a similar name, or whatever.
So, it’s just not a good conversation to have, when you get into those kinds of details. Again, like I was saying earlier, you want to know, has she cheated? Has she’s been loyal and faithful? Have her partners been loyal and faithful to her? Did she sleep around a lot? Did she go through a hoe phase? Those kinds of things.
But, as a man, you don’t want to talk about these things. That’s part of what’s in the book. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. It’s just not going to help you. You give those nitty gritty details away to a girl you’re dating, and then when she gets mad at you, or gets upset, or you’re arguing, she’s going to throw that shit in your face. And it’s like you basically gave her ammunition to shoot at you. That doesn’t make any sense. If it’s not going to raise her attraction to you, it’s not useful information. It’s not going to help.
Anyway, I am feeling so bad now about this situation because she wasn’t even the one that ended it, but he did. I feel like I lost to that dude now. I even frequently ran into him and feel so bad about myself and about that fact. I don’t know what to do.
The only thing you can do is accept it. So, your wife used to date one of your mentors from when you were growing up at some point. She was with the guy four years. It’s really none of your business. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. And what value does it add to get butt-hurt over this?
And you’re married now. What are you going to do? Are you going to leave your wife because of she slept with a professor that you had growing up? There’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is accept it. And you getting butt-hurt and upset and mad and angry with her is just making you look like a bitch. It makes you look like you’re threatened. You go from being a confident guy, and she’s feeling like, “Wow, I got the most awesome dude,” instead of now, you’re basically making yourself look like a bitch.
You’re causing her to lose attraction for you because of your behavior. It’s not going to help your situation, so you need to get over it, dude. There’s nothing you can do about it. I mean, this happened before you guys ever got together. Are you going to end your marriage over something like this? I mean, it just sounds kind of silly. At the end of the day, we’re all somebody else’s leftovers. I mean, come on. Just because you happen to know this guy? Whatever. It doesn’t matter. You’re being silly. Especially over something like that, because you have no control over it. All you can do is accept it.
You should apologize to her for being a bitch as well, because that’s just not attractive. It’s not going to help you, because any time you get into an argument, or you get upset, or you you display weakness, she’s going to needle you with that. She’ll bring that guy up just because she knows it’ll cause you to lose your shit. So don’t do it. Don’t give her any ammunition, bro.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been following you for a few years and read 3% Man around 10 times with notes on every page! I have been married for 1.5 years to a wonderful woman. She has 2 grown children. One is 25, the other 33. Her son and wife recently had a child, which made my wife and I grandparents.
Her 2nd husband, (divorced from him about 15 years), has decided he wants to play a big part with the grandchild, even moving back to my state to be closer. This husband had adopted my wife’s son she had from her first marriage, so basically is the “dad.”
Hey, whether you like it or not, he’s family. You’re already married. There’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is accept it and live with it. You can’t expect the adopted father of your now stepson to not have anything to do with him. I mean, that’s just absurd and ridiculous. And it’s selfish of you to expect that. The guy that adopted him. It doesn’t matter how much or how little he was involved in your wife’s son’s life. But, bottom line, he’s a father figure to him. And quite frankly, he’s been in his life longer than you have. And you don’t have the right to tell him he can’t have him as his father anymore. That’s just ridiculous.
The problem is that she wants me to become part of a big blended family, go to all grandchild events, etc. with her ex attending with his wife, (whom he hooked up with while married to my wife).
So basically he was cheating on your wife when they were together with his now current wife. It’s like whatever, a little bit of drama in the family. It’s like, he’s part of the family, and guess what? So are you. You married into it, so congratulations. You’re there, you’re stuck. It’s what you signed up for. Whether you like it or not, it doesn’t really matter.
I want nothing to do with this. I don’t even want to meet him and have told my wife this.
Come on, man. That’s just silly. That communicates you feel threatened. I mean, at the end of the day, this guy cheated on her, and it sounds like he left her for another woman, but he’s still the dad to your stepson.
I just think involving exes in any form is not a good thing, especially “doing it for the kids.” Just not me.
Well, he’s the father. He is the adoptive father of your now stepson, whether you like it or not. This happened long before you were even in the picture. This is multi-decades, over 20 years ago it sounds like that this happened. So, there’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is accept it and live with it. And you getting butt-hurt and expecting her to not have anything to do with her ex-husband when he’s the adoptive father of her son, that’s just ridiculous and absurd, and it just makes you look like a bitch. It’s totally unattractive. It’s not helping you.
You’re causing your wife to be less attracted to you by behaving this way, because all you can do is accept it. You should have the attitude of how James Bond be. You’d be like, “Well, that guy’s kind of pathetic, but whatever. I can be amused and laugh at him.” It doesn’t mean you’ve got to make fun of him or be a dick, but you should be a gentleman. And you should not act like you’re threatened, because it’s not going to help you. It’s just going to make you look like a bitch.
And then what will end up happening is, when your wife does family things with everybody else, she’ll end up excluding you, probably, just because you’re causing drama. So, easygoing, easy to get along with doesn’t include bringing drama because you feel threatened by her ex-husband still being a part of the family. Because he is. Legally, he’s part of the family, whether you like it or not. It is what it is.
All you can do is accept it, and live with it, and be a fucking gentleman about it, in the interest of your relationship with your wife, your wife’s family, your stepson, and, of course, your new grandchild. The goal is to make sure the grandchild grows up and becomes a great human being that you can all be proud of, including the ex-husband.
She doesn’t see my viewpoint and says that, “You knew I had kids when we met.” “Yes, but I did not foresee your ex coming back in the picture.”
It’s not like he’s come back in the picture to take her from you. You make it sound like you’re threatened by this guy. I mean, the bottom line is he cheated on her, and it sounds like he left her, and the woman he was cheating on is his wife. It’s like, whatever. It’s water under the bridge. Get over it. All you can do is accept what is.
Recently, she attended a family gathering with the ex attending, and she acted like she couldn’t wait to get there. She even left me alone at our house when I was getting ready to leave for 2 weeks!
Well, if you’ve been acting like a bitch, no wonder she wanted to leave.
Am I being unreasonable here, not wanting to participate in this situation?
I would say yes. Think of it in terms this way; if you’re acting attractive and masculine, she’s going to be attracted and want to spend time with you. If you’re acting like a bitch and complaining and whining, she’s going to have the attitude of, “I can’t wait to get away from you.”
So, it would have been better if you had been on good terms and would have never communicated that you got butt-hurt about it, and then maybe you would have gone to this family gathering and it would have been not a big deal. But you don’t want to get to the point where your wife is excluding you from things just because you create too much drama, and you’re butt-hurt and you feel threatened by the ex. Which will get around the family, and then you’re going to look bad to everybody.
None of your behavior is going to help your situation, so you need to knock it off. I would tell her, “You know, I thought about it. It is kind of stupid. Whether we like it or not, we’re all family. It’s a weird family, it’s a blended family, but hey, it’s a family nonetheless. And our duty as the elders, the patriarchs of the family, is to make sure these new grandchildren grow up to be great humans. It’s all of our collective responsibility as a family to do this.”
So, in the interest of the children, go be a good granddad, dude. Grow the fuck up. Nobody cares. You’re in the situation you’re in, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Be cool, because otherwise you’re creating unnecessary drama in your marriage. And now, you’re going to jeopardize your relationship, because you’re butt-hurt over the ex that cheated on her and left her for another woman? That doesn’t sound very masculine.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you would like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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