Never Get Caught Up In Her Changing Emotions Or Feelings

Why you should never get caught up in a woman’s changing emotions or feelings.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about eight years and read 3% Man about eight times. He’s been dating a woman who is conflicted about her Muslim faith, potentially reconciling with her ex-husband and dating and sleeping with him. He is getting perturbed about and wrapped up in her ever shifting emotions and feelings on what she should do and will do.

He’s unsure of how to handle it because he ultimately wants a relationship with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy, he says he’s been following me for eight years. He’s read 3% Man eight times, so that’s maybe once a year. You definitely have eight years and you haven’t got through it 10 to 15 times, you got to step it up a little better, dude, because if you knew the book a little better, some of the stuff that’s going on here would not be happening.

So he’s been dating a woman who is Muslim and he’s of a different faith. I guess she’s in contact with an ex-husband. Sometimes she talks about potentially going back to her ex-husband that she divorced, so she vacillates. What’s happening is he’s getting upset, he’s getting butt-hurt, he’s getting perturbed at a woman’s cat-like behavior. You can’t ever get caught up in a woman’s changing emotions or feelings. Number one, a big reason is you’re in the beginning, you’re in the vetting process. If you’re controlling, you’re coming down on a girl or you’re getting upset with her at certain things that she’s doing, you’re trying to evaluate a character. If she doesn’t feel that she can be herself around you without you getting upset, what’s she going to do? She’s going to hide. She’s going to hide her unattractive side from you, and it’s going to take you longer to find out about all the skeletons in her closet and whether or not she’s a good long term candidate, or somebody that can offer you the kind of relationship that you’re looking for. You don’t want her to go to ground. You want her to feel like you trust her implicitly. You could be the best boyfriend in the world, and if you’re dating somebody that’s a liar and a cheater, she’s going to cheat on you. There’s nothing you can do about it. You just need to be able to find out about it as quickly as possible, because you’re trying to evaluate her character.

If you’re always coming down on her, getting upset and demanding that she make a decision, then what she’s going to start doing is learning that she just has to hide things from you that she thinks are going to upset you, and that’s going to make it really hard to evaluate her character, because now she’s hiding things from you and you don’t know what you don’t know.

This is somebody brand new you just met. You can’t evaluate a character if she’s constantly hiding things from you, because you’ve created the conditions where she doesn’t feel safe. You want a woman to think you trust her implicitly, because if she thinks you trust her implicitly, then she’ll slip up and you want her to slip up as quickly as possible. You don’t want to find out two years later when you got a kid with her already, that she’s a disloyal woman or a ratchet, or got some character flaw that’s a major issue. Got to keep your wits in your head about you. This guy is too focused on his interests and his attraction to her and locking her down instead of taking a step back and looking at it going, “Do I really want to be involved with somebody like this? Is she good for me? Does she have good character traits? Could she be good?” Like in this case, this guy’s already got kids. Would she be a good stepmom to his children? Does she like kids?

If you’re a dad and you’ve got children, you should only be dating women that love kids because if they don’t like kids, they’re not going to like your kids. Why the fuck would you subject your children to that? You want your kids to be excited about the girl the dad is bringing home. You want your children rooting for you, and you want your children to like your significant other. If they don’t, man, it’s going to create some nasty fucking problems in your life that you quite frankly don’t need and don’t want.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach Corey,

My name is Bob, and your advice has greatly influenced me since 2016, particularly in relationship development. I probably read your books 8-10 times over the years, and I’ve advised most of my male friends to check it out. You’re doing purposeful work for men and for humanity, bro. Thank you!

I’m 55 years old, but look a little younger, thanks to the healthy lifestyle that I follow. I have two daughters, ages 17 and 20, from a 12-year marriage. Since my divorce over six years ago, I’ve been in a few relationships, including a recent three-year relationship with a 45-year-old woman who desired marriage and children…

45, that’s pushing it to be able to have children.

…But I never felt that she was head over heels for me, so I never proposed. Despite my supportive nature, she felt I wasn’t empathetic enough and ended things, which wasn’t much of a shock to me. The whole relationship felt like a convenient relationship.

Or a relationship of convenience, friends with benefits. The woman’s 45. Unless she’s frozen her eggs, it’s going to be much harder for her to conceive at that point. If the cupboard is already bare, unless you got a donor, you’re not having kids with that person.

Recently, I met a 32-year-old woman. We connected well and have enjoyed incredible intimacy. However, she struggles with her Muslim faith, feeling guilty after our times together and worried she’s sinning.

All you can really do is, if you’ve ever been in sales, like when I was in real estate, sometimes we would come across people that were very religious and they’d be like, “Well, my wife and I would like to go home and pray about this deal and this house.” I was like, “Great! Go pray and let me know what you guys decide in the morning and we can present it or offer or not, or we can look at a different house.”

You got to give people the space for their faith. Remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Also, as Tom Petty said, “If you think you can do better than me, then go.” Not that you’re going to say this, but that should be your attitude because you’re a prize. You’re a gift as well. She’s doing well by being with you. Instead of you looking at, “Gee, how do I get her to like me? How do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I get her to choose me over all the other guys?” That shouldn’t be your mindset. You should be focused on getting her character.

She’s also dealing with a recent divorce (Less than six months), caring for her terminally ill grandmother, a stressful job as an attorney, and a minor health concern.

So it’s not a real clean, easy deal here. What do I say all the time? Easy going, easy to get along with. That’s a lot of stuff, a lot of problems, a lot of difficulty. If you’re focused on locking her down and getting her to pay attention to you with this busy life, she’s not going to feel free and she’s going to bounce from you.

You have to let women come to you at their pace. I can just tell, because I’ve already been through this email, that he’s not doing that. He’s kind of got the illusion of action going on. He’s a little smothering. Instead, he needs to be a little bit more hands off and let her do more of the pursuing and just give her the freedom to come and go. Again, you’re trying to evaluate her character. If she doesn’t think you trust her, she’s just going to hide that part of her, and it will take you longer to figure out her bad character traits.

Additionally, she had a tough upbringing, running away from home at 16 years old due to clashes over her father’s strict religious views. Now, she’s very devoted to her faith, which I appreciate and respect.

In Islam, sex outside of marriage is still haram. So she’s not super religious, she’s on the Islamic a la carte menu, if you will.

Here’s the kicker: She’s uncertain about reconciling with her ex-husband, whom she previously divorced due to possible infidelity, and often feels guilty about our relationship.

You just got to give her the space to be present with her feelings, with no pressure. If you let women come to you at their pace, if you love her in a way that she feels free and you’re applying what’s in the book and she’s not a fruit loop or a mentally ill lunatic, eventually all these things that you’re so worried about won’t be an issue. The only thing that really matters is how a woman feels about you. If you’re controlling, if you’re getting upset, if you’re demanding that she make a decision or a choice, it’s going to blow up in your face.

She recently took a vacation to think things over but continued to stay in touch with me, indicating she hasn’t made a decision.

Well, as the book says, your job in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced. It’s all laid out in the book.

I encouraged her to take the time she needs to make up her mind and get back to me with a clear answer, but she still keeps reaching out with texts and small talk.

Again, you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment. That’s not what the book teaches. You’ve been following me for eight fucking years I think you said, and you’re trying to lock this girl down. This is not how it works, dude. This is why I called you out. I mean, eight years and you barely got through the book eight times. That’s just not sufficient enough. You’re acting like the woman when you behave this way and demanding that she make a decision. If she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s gonna be asking you to be her boyfriend. Instead, you’re trying to lock her down. You’re acting like a girl. This is not your department. This is not how men are supposed to behave.

I’m wondering if my responses to her texts while she’s away are actually helping or just adding to her confusion.

Well be respectful. I don’t know how long she’s away for. I don’t think he said it in here, but she’s on a trip. Maybe you could FaceTime each other once a week if she’s got things to talk about and just catch up and just listen to her, let her feel heard and understood. You don’t even have to say much. Just let her talk.

Our physical connection has been fantastic, and I’m interested in a long-term relationship.

Obviously we know this and she definitely knows this. This should not be your focus. This is right out of the book, dude. Yet you’re focusing on a relationship and doing the opposite of what it teaches. This is why she’s vacillating back and forth, because you’re not letting her make her decision. You’re not giving her the space. You’re too upset, you’re too insecure, you’re too worried about locking her down. If you’re the prize and you’re the catch, as the book says, she’s the one that’s supposed to be bringing up a relationship, and you’re not doing that. You’re still acting like a girl.

However, I’m cautious not to get too invested (I recall you’d mentioned several times that it’s gotta be her idea).

It’s in the book. Again, just the fact that you’re talking this way after eight years of following me tells me you don’t know the book that well. This is what happens when you don’t read it 10 to 15 times and really learn to own it. It sounds like you’re just more of a cherry picker.

Given her recent life changes, I wonder if she’s rebounding or genuinely affected by these events. Could she be processing unresolved feelings from her divorce?

Dude, it takes time for a woman to fall in love with you. It’s not flipping a switch. It’s clear you’ve already decided you want her as your girlfriend, but she’s not there yet. Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them, and you’ve already communicated that she’s won the race, you’re willing to give her the Stanley Cup and her championship ring and say, “You’re the girl for me.” She just got divorced. You have to let women come to you with their pace. These are core, basic principles from the book that you are violating. This is not a surprise that she’s vacillating back and forth. You’re acting like a girl and you’re trying to lock her down. It’s unattractive as hell, and that’s why you’re in limbo land.

Coach Corey, could she genuinely be struggling with her feelings?

Yeah, because you’re getting in the way of her feelings growing. It’s like you’re the needy, insecure, neurotic dude who put a cake in the oven, and every five minutes you’re opening it up, letting the heat out, “Well, is it done yet?” Gotta let the dough rise. You got to let the shit cook, man.

Again, this is right out of the book. I’m surprised after eight years of following me, you’re not seeing this. This just tells me you’ve not been a very good student with the book, and you really haven’t taken me seriously when I say read it 10 to 15 times until you know it backwards and forwards and you can teach a class on it.

How should I handle this?

Come to you at her pace. Actually follow what’s in the book.

Again, these are basic questions you’re asking me, and it tells me you just don’t understand it. It’s like you have no idea what to do. You don’t even sound like a guy that’s actually read the book. It just sounds like a dude that’s cherry picked a bunch of stuff from the videos over the years.

Should I step back or continue to support her, and how can I protect my emotional well-being while doing so?

As the book says, your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun when you’re hanging out and hook up, that’s it. Nothing in there about a relationship or lock her down to a commitment or how to play this. Just create the next opportunity for sex to happen and then get the fuck off the phone.

I value your advice and look forward to your perspective on whether to pursue this relationship or guard against potential heartache.

Thanks for your guidance,

Bob

Again, you’re going to have to be patient, read the book, maybe go out on dates with some other women. You’re not following what the book teaches at all. You’re trying to lock this girl down. This is the exact opposite of what the book teaches, and you claim you’ve read it eight times. It doesn’t sound like you’ve read it once. I’m sure the audience, you guys can agree with me in the comments here, you’re acting needy, you’re acting neurotic, you’re expecting her to make a decision right now. This is not what the book teaches at all. You sound like a guy that’s watched too many fucking Disney movies, and you’re worried about some dude coming along and stealing your girl. This does not work in the real world, my man.

You got to let women come to you. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. When she’s ready to be in a relationship, she’ll bring it up. If you’re following what’s in the book, you should not be needy, neurotic and insecure like you are. The reason you’re jumping through your butt so much is because, number one, you don’t know the book, and number two, you’re over pursuing. Number three, you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment, which you should not be doing. She’s not in a place where she’s ready to commit. If she was, she would have brought it up. Instead, you’re bringing it up. It’s a bad way to go, my man.

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