Why you should never make your woman your mommy or therapist unless you want to lose her respect and interest.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for three years. He’s read 3% Man countless times and usually responds to his girlfriend’s grumpy moods and bad attitude with calmness, humor and playfulness. He says it works like a charm.
However, when he is having a bad day and is not in a good mood, he doesn’t want to deal with her also being in a bad mood, because it makes him feel like he’s not supported. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
We all know masculinity is calm, it’s relaxed, it takes its time. And being playful and fun and humorous is always the best way to respond to your woman. However, if you are constantly losing it in the presence of your woman, she’s not going to feel that you have your act together, and this is going to make her feel unsafe. And so, this is typically a topic I see with a lot of guys, especially the red pill guys. It just totally sends them into orbit when I have this discussion. They get mad, “Oh, women have a double standard!” It’s like, hey, I’m just here to tell you what they respond to, what creates attraction, what turns them off, and you can act accordingly. It’s your life. I mean, at the end of the day, it’s always going to be better and easier in your relationship if you can respond with playfulness and humor when things happen or don’t go your way.
But, obviously, as guys, we have bad days too, and we want to be able to be upset or be angry and be present with our feelings and be able to express them. Because, the point he brings up is, “I want to feel supported as well. And if I’m having a rough day, and then she comes to me with her rough day and expects me to be my normal self, it’s kind of like a double standard.” So, it’s a good topic, because these things happen the longer you’re together.
It’s easier in the beginning, especially the first ninety days of a relationship, to be calm and relaxed and playful and have self-control. But what happens when you’ve been together for several years and you live together, maybe you’ve got kids together, and shit just happens? What do you do in that case? Because, in that case, when you’re really comfortable around each other, that’s when the real you or the real hurt comes out. And so, this is a good, fine tuning type of email about how to handle things in a long term relationship. How do you deal with it when you’re not in a good mood?
You want your woman to be supportive and understanding that, hey, you’re having a difficult time right now and you need to chill out. It’s really about setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, because there’s going to be times where, quite frankly, you don’t want to put up with her bullshit. And it’s understandable, but you also can’t lose your shit as a man and become totally angry and upset all the time, because it’s just going to turn her off. So, how how do we go about maintaining maximum emotional self control?
The idea is that you’re going to tell her, “Babe, I’m having a rough time right now, and I can tell you’re not in a good mood, and you’re hurting and you’re upset. But, right now, I’ve got some stuff that I’ve got to deal with, and I just need some time in the man cave to be present with my thoughts. So, just give me a little space and a little time, and then we can talk about what’s upsetting you later.” And if she ain’t having it, if she doesn’t like that, if she becomes even more bitchy and grumpy and less understanding – especially if you’re always calm and understanding when she’s in a bad mood, but then when she sees that you’re in a bad mood, she expects you to deal with her anger and her unhappiness – you lovingly set a healthy boundary, and if she won’t stop, that’s when you leave.
You’re not leaving her permanently, you’re just removing yourself. By doing this, enforcing the healthy boundary, she learns that if you’re having a difficult day and then she tries to throw her truckload of problems on top of yours, and you’ve told her nicely, “I can’t deal with this right now. I’ve got to deal with these things first,” and she won’t be understanding when you’ve been understanding a hundred other times, then you have to leave. You have to literally create some space between the two of you so you can work out your problems.
Because women are better at multitasking than us guys. And that’s why, if you’re in a shit mood and she’s coming to you with her shit mood, it’s like, “I can’t deal with this right now. I’ve got things I’ve got to handle first. Babe, we’ll talk later.” She’s got to be understanding. If she won’t be understanding, then she can get the gift of missing you. It’s just a short period of time but, as a man, you’ve got to have time in your man cave. And that’s one thing women have to understand. I talk about that in 3% Man. If you have a good woman, she’ll be understanding and won’t expect you to deal with her problems, or her moods, or whatever she’s got going on when you’re dealing with your own.
I am a Venezuelan guy living in Germany. I have been following you for 3 years. I have seen almost all your videos and heard the audio version of How To Be A 3% Man uncountable times, (driving, working, working out, etc.). I have applied many of your concepts, and it has helped me a lot in my life.
Today, I am married to a beautiful, really feminine and funny woman and it is going great. I am having troubles sometimes with one issue, when my girl has a change of mood or gets “angry” at something I said or did, when it was just a joke or actually not a big deal. I get that most of the time she is just either on one of those days or she is just trying to communicate something else. I just stay chill, in my center, and most of the time I do not fall into the trap and just manage it with humor or love.
Yeah, it’s always good to mock her lovingly.
Which works like a charm. I also know how to set my boundaries. She is a person that anyway would not disrespect me or something. But my problem comes in the moments I am tired, sick or in stress because of work or any other issue, which does not happen too often. I am mostly happy, but I am still human and have those days from time to time. Then, it seems to be that in those moments I lose my focus and my girl gets angry about something small, then I am having troubles not to fall into the discussion trap.
You’ve got to take time to be alone in your man cave, and she should learn to respect that. If you’re always present with her, you say, “Babe, every time you’re in a bad mood, I’m always there. I’m present, I’m calm, I’m humorous, I’m playful, and I’m happy to listen. But right now, I can’t. I’ve got too many things on my plate, so just give me some space. Let me deal with this. Give me a couple of hours, and then we can sit down and talk about what’s upsetting you.”
Obviously, women want your attention all the fucking time when they’re in love. And they’re probably not going to like that answer when you’re in a bad mood, because if they’re used to you dropping what you’re doing or responding with humor and playfulness, and then you don’t because you’ve got your own problems and they get mad about that, that’s when you say, “Look, I’m always there for you, but right now, you’ve got to give me the same level of respect, and love, and tolerance and understand that I’ve got some shit I’m dealing with and I need to work on.”
The other thing women have to understand and have a hard time with us guys is that we are contemplating things. We need time in our man cave to think about things and work out solutions. And when we say “Uncle, that’s enough. I’ve got to focus on this,” they have to learn to respect that. And women are going to try to get us to talk about it when we really are introspective. Men tend to solve their problems by going internally, going in the man cave, going out in the tool shed, working on the car, and it’s in the process of doing that, where you’re kind of thinking in the back of your mind, as you’re working and you’re doing other things, and you finally you work out a solution. And then, when you figure it out, you present it to the world, or you take action, or you sit down and you have a conversation.
That’s also something that, as a man, you’ve got to communicate to your woman, especially if she doesn’t understand that men and women, we work out our problems differently. Women work out their problems by talking about them. And that’s why, really, all we have to do is facilitate getting them to talk. And that’s why you say things like, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want my advice?” when they are talking about something that’s bothering or upsetting them. That’s something that, as 3% men, at the end of the day, no drama allowed.
You’ve got to make your woman understand how we deal with problems differently. That’s just part of the beauty that creates the sexual polarity. But women that don’t know any better and haven’t learned that will try to get you to talk about your problems, when the last thing you want to do is talk about them. Because you need time alone in the man cave, so you’ve got to impress that upon her. And if you’ve got a good girl who is good at communicating, she’ll go, “Okay, honey. I understand. Thank you for always being loving and present when I’m in a bad mood.”
But if she’s in a bad mood and she expects you to deal with it, even though you’re in a bad mood as well, and she won’t, you just say, “Look, I’m going to go for a drive,” “I’m going to go for a walk,” “I’m going out in the shed, listen to some music, work on the car for a little bit, clear my head, clear my thoughts, and then we can sit down later and talk about it.” And if she gets super mad, then I’d hop in the car and leave. Go for a drive, go have a beer with a friend, go visit a buddy. Go play some darts, shoot some pool, even if it upsets her. Then, when you come back later, it’s like, “Hey, I would love to have talked to you, but I was in a bad mood. I had my own problems. I had things I had to work out. I figured it out, and now I’m ready to be present for you.”
She’s got to be understanding and she’s got to be accommodating, because love is a two way street. You don’t want to get run over in both directions. And so, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries, and you might have to just up and leave and remove yourself physically from the situation, so you can clear your mind and clear your thoughts, especially if your girl is not understanding about that. Because then, she’ll learn that if you’re not in a place right now where you can deal with her grumpy mood, because you’ve already got enough on your plate, if she continues pushing you, you’re going to take off. It’s not that you’re going to leave her forever. You’re just going to leave her temporarily, for maybe a few hours or whatever, just because you’ve got to have that space. And she’ll respect it. She’ll be angry at you, but she’ll respect the fact that you did what you needed to do.
You shouldn’t apologize for having to say, “Hey, I’m a man. I need time to drive and think, clear my thoughts. We’re just different, as guys. We go introspective. You ladies, you like to talk and you work things out on your own by just talking about them. We’re just not like that. I have a different process than your process for working out your problems, and you’ve got to respect that.” And if you set and enforce healthy boundaries and you’re with a normal, healthy woman and not a lunatic… which, that’s part of the problem a lot of these guys in the red pill community have. They’ve got no skills, and they don’t learn any skills on how to communicate or understand how women are different.
They just bitch about single moms, and women with high body counts, and all this other nonsense, and “women are the problem. All modern women are different, and things have changed.” That’s a cop out. That basically gives them the excuse and enables their behavior to not do anything, not develop any skills. It’s easy just to point the finger and say, “Oh, women are the problem,” because then there’s nothing to fix. If women are the problem, “there’s nothing for me to fix.”
I see it all the time in my comments. And, quite frankly, really over the last two or three years, all the stuff that’s come from Rollo Tomassi’s work, “The Rational Male,” and all the videos and stuff those guys do, I see nothing but negativity coming from that community. There is no positivity. And I see also a lot of people coming to me saying, “I got involved in the red pill community, and all it did was make me angry and pissed off at women.” And then they get back into my work, and their success returns with women.
If you read their book, it’s like, what are the solutions there? There aren’t a lot of solutions. They don’t teach anything about attraction or communication or any of that stuff, which is essential. You’re not going to have a healthy relationship with any woman, including your mother, your sisters, or your female co-workers if you don’t understand them. That’s just a fact of life. And I know it pisses them off and sends them into orbit, but I don’t fucking care.
If you want to be a bitch and you want to complain about women, this ain’t the place for you. We’re men here. Men deal with things and handle things like real men do, not little pussies that go hide and complain in the chat rooms and bitch about how all women suck. That’s something that beta males do. That’s what incels do. I don’t have time for that. If you don’t like it, you can go on down the road. We’re about solutions here and figuring things out.
In those moments, it is quite hard for me to put up with it and I feel not supported.
That’s understandable, but this is where you have to delicately set and enforce healthy boundaries, just like I’ve been saying.
I just think, “I do not have energy for this shit right now.”
I totally understand that, dude, and I get it.
And in those moments, we get into a stupid discussion because of a small thing.
Well, that’s what women do. I talk about this in “3% Man.” They take the little things and they make it a big emergency. And your job, as a man, is to shrink it down. But sometimes you’ve just got too much on your plate and you don’t want to deal with anything else. You want your girl to just give you a little space. “Give me a moment here. I’ve got to breathe, woman.”
I have communicated this to her, that she sometimes has these changes of mood and I can manage it, but if I am having other personal issues, I am not able to manage that, and I would like to not have these complaints in those moments. She seems to understand it and even says I am right.
Well, of course. You’re the man of the household. And remember, no drama allowed. You can get these mugs at Spring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store. You should get these and give them to all your friends. Get a six pack for your girl, “Babe, this is our motto – no drama allowed.”
But you know how it is, it happens again.
Well, of course. Women are always testing your strength. Remember, a little girl always comes to daddy. Daddy is supposed to fix everything. If you don’t want to be daddy, don’t date women.
My question is, how can I keep my focus in those moments? What would be the best strategy to manage that?
Honestly, I think you’re doing a great job. It sounds like you’re communicating it and the fact your girl says you’re right. I’d say it’s great. But, obviously, the examples that I have given you throughout the video, that should give you maybe a few more tools for your toolbox, so you can better manage it. And the more you do this, the more she’ll understand. “Babe, I just need time in my man cave. Give me a couple of hours, and then I’ll be right as rain and we can talk and work out whatever is troubling you. I’ve just got too much on my plate. I can’t handle any more right now.”
Or am I already doing it okay, and I can just have the right to get angry myself from time to time?
Yeah, it’s fine to get angry and express your anger, just don’t project it onto her. You know, it’s like what Dominick talks about in some of the videos that he and I have done together about raging – taking the time to just sit in your corner and grumble, and go out in your car and drive around, and scream and yell, and just express the emotion of anger and frustration. Feel it and grunt. Grunt like an animal. Because you’re giving your nervous system permission to feel those feelings of anger.
Because with anger, there’s always fear behind it. What are you afraid of? Things not working out. And the reality is, when we look back, our problems were really not that big of a deal. We always found a way to figure out how to get through it. But it helps to experience the emotion, so that energy doesn’t get stuck in your nervous system and then create more problems down the road.
Because if you don’t express it and you don’t feel safe enough in your body to experience those emotions, it’s going to get stored as muscle tension in your nervous system, and that’s what bends us over like a pretzel as we get older. It’s just all that undigested life, if you will. That’s another reason why I’m a big advocate of network chiropractic care. And if you have more interest, I would highly encourage you to go to BeSimplyWell.com and go get worked on by Dominick or a chiropractic doctor in your area. It’ll do wonders.
I just feel I do not want drama in my life.
That’s why you should get some “No Drama Allowed” mugs.
It is not a huge deal and also not a deal breaker, because the rest of the relationship is awesome, but it would be great if we could avoid these situations. I am a big fan, bro. It would be really exiting to hear you answering this email in one of your videos.
Well, congratulations, I answered it in one of my videos. But overall, man, it sounds like you’ve got a pretty good relationship and your girl’s understanding, because some women, they’ve got no chill, and that’s part of the pre-qualification process. And that’s why you apply what’s in “3% Man,” because if you’ve got a woman who’s immature and she’s incapable of saying things to you like, “You know what, you’re right,” and be understanding, this book will help you disqualify those women from being in your life and you can boot them out.
Too many guys put up with lunatics. And, you know, some women you just can’t reach. You can’t help them. And having a book like mine and understanding these principles, you can recognize and attract a good woman, which this guy seems to have done. Like I said, this is just some fine tuning and tweaking on his approach, which will make things even better. And the longer you guys are together, all you have to do is say, “Babe, not right now,” and she’ll go, “Do you need time in your man cave?” You’ll be like, “yeah,” and she’s like, “Alright, babe. I love you. I’ll be back later.” That’s all you have to do. That’s how good it can get.
What changed my life was my English girlfriend, because she was great at that. She came from a great, healthy family, and that was kind of like the missing piece, the thing that just clicked. Because not all women get that. Not all women can be easygoing, easy to get along with. I had one girlfriend who it was just impossible with. We just could not have this conversation. She was grumpy and bitchy all the time. And on top of that, she had recently gone off her antidepressants, which I had no idea she was even on those, and she just completely became Jekyll and Hyde.
Like I said, some people just don’t belong in your life. It’s like, oil and water don’t mix, and some people you’re just not going to be compatible with. That’s why it’s so important to read “3% Man” 10 to 15 times, so you can spot and attract good women. It seems like this guy has done that. It seems like he’s got a good girl he can work things out with. She can be herself and be angry and grumpy, but she respects him enough and he responds in a masculine and calm way to where it dissolves that.
But at times where he just can’t deal with her shit in addition to everything else he’s dealing with, she seems to respect him enough to recognize, “You know what, I’m going to back off. He’s probably right. Maybe I’m being unreasonable.” Because that’s also what happens, “Oh, honey, I’m sorry for being a bitch yesterday. I was just in a in a bad mood. You’re just so great and so supportive all the time. I’m so grateful I have you, because my girlfriends and my married friends all tell me what a difficult time they have with their boyfriends and their husbands, and you’re just the best.” That’s what you want.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“The best way to respond to your woman being grumpy and in a bad mood is with playfulness and humor. Get her to talk about what she’s feeling and why she feels the way she does so she feels heard and understood. Masculinity is calm, is controlled. Men also have bad days and times when they are not in a good mood and want to feel supported, instead of dealing with an angry, grumpy woman. Men should be honest and lovingly ask her to understand what he’s going through and that he needs time to think and contemplate in the man cave. If she won’t reciprocate the same level of respect he gives her when she feels the same way, he should tell her he’s going for a walk, a drive, or to go visit a friend to clear his head and will be back later to talk things out in a calm and relaxed manner.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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