Why you should never try to keep someone in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 26-year-old female viewer who has read 3% Man 8 times so far. She has been with her boyfriend for a year and a half. He tends to disappear for a week or two, because he says that he gets overwhelmed by life and says that he just does that. He ignores her sometimes for a month at a time.
She asks if she should break it off or just move on without contacting him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
It just goes to show, men and women both do this. We tend to project our fantasy of what we want onto the other person, and then we ignore what’s coming back to us. In other words, what’s being reciprocated or not. And it’s tough when you’re emotionally wrapped up in somebody and you care about them. I know for me, personally, growing up in a family where you never heard “I love you,” you never got hugs – the family was totally cold, no affection and “I love yous” – those things were just part of life, so you become emotionally conditioned to wanting love and affection but not getting it.
And then, when I grew up and I was in my teenage years, my early twenties, I’d get hung up on women that had no interest in me, because it made me feel exactly like I did when I was around my family. That seemed normal. And then I would waste years, hoping I was going to get a chance, stuck in friend-zone or whatever. And, obviously, when I got to probably 22, 23, I started going, “This is a waste of time.” You’ve got to get to the point where you bottom line somebody’s actions. If they care, they make the effort.
The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And when you’ve got somebody that just disappears for a month at a time that you’re in a “relationship” with, it’s like, that’s not a relationship. More than likely, they’re treating you like a booty call, which is how I suspect that this guy really views this girl. She actually sent a picture, and she’s really beautiful.
You can waste years of your life because you’re hung up on a fantasy or hung up on an illusion. You’re hung up on something that doesn’t exist. And you’ve got to be strong enough to recognize, whether it’s a friend or in this case, a lover, they’ve got to make the effort. And if they don’t make the effort, if they’re not like, “Hell, yeah! I’d love to see you. I’d love to spend time with you. Hey, I miss you,” there’s no point.
I am a 26-year-old female and have read your book 8 times. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and half. Sometimes he gets overwhelmed with life and I don’t talk to him for a week or two. Which is fine, since I am busy myself.
When a woman says “it’s fine,” it’s not fine, obviously. So, for you guys that are in a relationship and you’re your girlfriend or your wife and you are having a disagreement, if she’s like, “it’s fine,” it’s not fine. If you’re just like, “Okay. Well, she said It’s fine,” then she’s going to get pissed at you, because it’s really not. Because if you care, you’ll recognize she’s not happy. Then you want to get to the bottom of what’s going on, so you can resolve it, move on and get back to hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Love is playful and fun, after all.
I have brought it up before, and he says he just does that and to think about his good qualities.
Well, like I was saying earlier, you’ve got to bottom line his actions. It doesn’t matter what he says or what comes out of his mouth. The bottom line is he’s not showing up physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually for you.
However, he went out of town and I thought he was only going to be gone a week, and it turns out he was gone for an entire month. In the past, he has called me to chat when he was out of town, but this time complete radio silence.
So, when you take a step back and look at that, it’s like, a month out of town, he doesn’t call, doesn’t text, that’s not somebody that’s dying to spend time with you, that really misses you. That’s somebody that, in essence, is treating you like a part time booty call. When they want to release, they get in touch. Other than that, they’re out doing God knows what.
Love is about giving, you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow, to become more. You do that because you’re supposed to be teammates that have similar goals, similar values. You have a shared vision for your life that you’re trying to accomplish. But if I look at the totality, unfortunately, he’s treating her like a booty call.
I don’t like to come across as needy, so I left him alone for two weeks and then called him. He texted me back, “Outta town for a bit. Talk when I get back.” I replied, “Sounds good.” Then more radio silence for two more weeks.
That’s not a guy that’s head over heels in love with you, and misses you, and is thinking, “God, I want my kids to look like her.” This is a guy that’s just breadcrumbing you, dangling the carrot, hoping you’ll stay interested, so next time he needs a release or he’s passing through town, he gets in touch.
Finally, he texted me and asked to come over. I said sure but my dad was here staying the night since he was working by my house. He never responded. I called him and no response.
So, that right there tells me he was just hoping for a booty call, and he was such a bitch that he couldn’t even show up. I mean, think about it. If your baby girl has a dude that’s never there and he wants to come over and get a booty call, that guy ain’t going to show up, because he’s ashamed. He can’t even show his face, because he’s pathetic. He’s not a man. This is not what a man would do. This is what a child would do.
My question to you is, I feel like he is showing me with his actions he does not give a fuck about me.
There you go. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is. That’s the harsh reality. If you bottom line somebody’s actions, that tells you everything. And as Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
He has done something similar on my birthday last year, but that was only for 2 weeks.
But still, if he’s going that long without seeing you, you’re a booty call to him. That’s it. He treats you like a booty call. And he says that you’re in a relationship just so you sit around and wait on him. That’s not loving, that’s not kind. That’s not loving yourself either, because you deserve to be happy and you deserve to get what you want.
Guys do the same thing with women, and they make up all kinds of rationalizations, “Oh, she’s going through a difficult time. She’s having this problem, and she’s got that problem, and she’ll get back to me.” And then the woman gives them something that sounds logical and makes sense, but the reality is they’re absent from your life.
Since he is ignoring me, should I just text him to break it off officially…
I wouldn’t text him at all. He doesn’t deserve it.
…or consider it done…
Well, I would say it never really got started. It’s just, you were a booty call. You saw what you wanted to see, and he was happy to let you live in an illusion that he was creating.
…heal, and start seeing other people?
I will say, this is the most emotional pain I have ever been in.
I know. It sucks and it ain’t fun, especially when you realize that you were gullible and you got taken advantage of. But things like this, they make you stronger because you say, “That’s it. I’m not going to put up with this kind of bullshit again from anybody. I deserve to be with somebody who’s excited to see me, and this guy is not.”
My dad told me he’s probably got a few screws loose, Lol.
Your dad’s probably right, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t sound like that guy has much character or integrity, because he’s happy to just manipulate you and let you think that there’s a relationship when it’s he’s treating you like a booty call. So, if you bottom line the actions, he’s treating you like a booty call.
Either way, this is not saveable, right?
Well, there’s nothing to save, because he’s not showing up. You had a year and a half of this, and he’s making no effort. The reality is you’re too young, you’re too beautiful to put your life on hold for some dude that’s never there. It’s like, come on, man. You just deserve better, girl.
So, if I were you, I would just start saying yes to invitations that you get from other men, and I would never call or text this guy again for any reason. As a matter of fact, you should just go ahead and block him on all your devices, and then he won’t be able to get through to bother you. And that can be your payback to him. That can communicate everything. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. So, just match and mirror back to him the low priority that he’s given you in his life. Just make him a no priority.
I would excommunicate him from the promised land, from your secret worlds. Elvis has left the building, because you deserve more. But again, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. There’s also a chance, if you back off, you move on and you don’t answer him, when he’s wanting a release or a booty call, then he might start putting on an act. But you’ve had a year and a half. So, it’s not your job to fix him. It’s not your job to save him.
You know, your dad said the guy might have a few screws loose. Maybe he does, but that’s not your problem. It’s not your job to fix him or to save him. His family did this to him. This is the way he is. This is a guy who, in my opinion, doesn’t have any character or integrity. He’s a ratchet human being. So, why waste your time with ratchet human beings? Plus, you’ve got a dad who obviously loves you and came to see you. So, spend time with your dad. Spend time with men that make you feel loved, valued, wanted and appreciated, not guys that are just never around and treat you like an occasional booty call.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur