How to overcome your nice guy tendencies, so you can create sexual attraction to cause women to respect and love you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story from a guy in his fifties who has been following my work for the past eighteen months. He shares how he overcame his nice guy tendencies, but still makes occasional mistakes with his new girlfriend from time to time. He also explains what he says and how he causes his girlfriend to help him overcome them without her losing attraction for him.
He also shares some of the dramatic changes and successes he has made in his career, body, diet and fitness routines that have contributed to his overall sense of well-being and attractiveness. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Thanks for everything you do to bring your practical approach to life in our confusing world. I’ve been following your work for about 18 months now, and have read your book and listened to it via Audible many times. I also read other books about health, fitness, spirituality and professional aspects of my life, but I find your book and videos to be a grounding base that I come back to over and over.
In the same 18 months, I cleaned up my diet, started running and lost 75 pounds.
(Dude, that’s fucking awesome. That’s dedication. That’s somebody that’s serious about taking care of themselves.)
I am now back to my high school size. I also quit my corporate job after re-igniting my photography business, doing what I love, answering to no one.
(Well, my favorite Steve McQueen quote is, “I live for myself and I answer to nobody.” It doesn’t mean being a selfish jackass, but you’ve got to take care of you first. There’s an old Jim Rohn quote that says, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and that’s what it’s all about.)
I’m in my 50s and I used to have ‘nice guy tendencies.’ Thankfully, I found your work and have filled in my knowledge gap to be more of an alpha male. My current girlfriend of 3 months matches all the wants on my list, and we’re very happy. She is an empty-nester, but I have kids still at home, so we are taking things slow, dating 1-2 times per week. She does about 80% of the pursuing, because she asked why I didn’t initiate texts, so I text her out of the blue once or twice per week.
(That’s perfect. I see that comment quite a bit. Most women will start pursuing 100% of the time. If they’re texting you 2-3 times a day because they’re in love, they’re happy, you’re really close and you’ve bonded well, there’s just no reason to reach out, unless of course she asks for it. Then you give it to her, but you don’t overdo it.
Remember, as the book says, never pursue more than 20-30% of the time, because once you go over that, around 40-50% of the time, then it gets to the point where it’s platonic, and that’s so predictable. It’s too much. Women have to have time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to be present with their feelings and talk about you with their girlfriends or their mother.)
I’m the one setting dates, but lately she’s been adding more on. She told me early on that she likes how I’m both sensitive and confident.
(What you see a lot, especially with the feminization of America and men in general, is they start acting like emotionally, irrational little girls instead of men. It’s okay to be sensitive and listen, and take some honest feedback, and say “You know what, I fucked up. You’re right. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” But it doesn’t mean you turn into a big, floppy-cock beta male, turn into a doormat, and get pushed around all over the place. You still have to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. If a woman starts to jerk you around or take you for granted, call her out on her bullshit.)
I asked her ‘what do you mean?’
(Every guy learning this should have that in the back of their mind. Never make assumptions, because when it comes to women, you’re probably wrong),
and she said I listened to her needs and opinions, but also stood up for my thoughts, and because of that, she trusts me.
(In other words, you’re authentic, you’re real, you speak your truth and take honest feedback, but you also don’t let her push you around or jerk you around. When she says she trusts you, that means she trusts your masculine core.
When a woman trusts your masculine core, she’s hardly ever going to test you. There’s no reason, because she feels safe and comfortable. If you start doing things that make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable, then that’s when she’s typically going to back away and test. So nice job in handling that. This is what happens when you read the book 10-15 times. You become immersed in this stuff. The only way you’re going to get better is by experience in this.)
About a month ago, she told me about a trip she was planning and how she’d be gone for three weeks.
(This is where you went sideways a little bit.)
She was having her sister take care of her plants while she was gone. I immediately said she should have asked me to help. Yes, I know, needy behavior peeking in.
(It made her feel a little unsafe, like “He’s not in his masculine right now. What’s going on?” Then you started to doubt yourself and be unsure of yourself, and obviously she doesn’t like that. But she respects you and cares for you, so here’s where she gives you some honest feedback.)
At that remark, my girlfriend told me that I was too expectant overall, since we didn’t know each other that well yet.
(That’s like, whoa dude, slow down. Back your shit up. Slow your roll.)
I thanked her for telling me that, and she said she could only say it because she felt safe with me.
(So in other words, you’re not going to lose your shit and go bananas. Women don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings. She comes right out and says it. She feels comfortable, because of how you’ve handled yourself up to this point. She gives you the feedback, because she’s not worried about hurting your feelings.)
As you say, when they like you, they help you. So I backed off and gave her space. She was texting me again within a day, but I removed every little hint of future talk from my thinking and communication.
(You were getting out of the present moment and starting to worry what may or may not happen in the future. That made her feel a little uncomfortable.)
Live and enjoy each day. On our last date, she told me she really appreciated that when I was with her I was totally engaged and present, but when we are apart I was busy with my life and engaged in that.
(You weren’t worried about what may or may not happen in the future at this point.)
So, thanks Coach. Thanks to your teaching, I know this relationship will last a good while, but I also know that I will always be learning, adjusting and enjoying better.
(What a great, simple success story. You can see with just one tiny little thing you could have gone off the rails, but you did a great job of balancing being an alpha and being confident, but also taking some honest feedback and not getting totally butt hurt about it.)
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“There’s a subtle balance between being nice and humble, but also being assertive and confident, without being a doormat or a jerk. An alpha male is confident, sure of himself and his opinions, without compromising his values and goals, but he’s also humble and open to honest feedback without becoming a pushover. The nice guy is too nice and fearful of being himself and expressing his opinions to the point he often becomes a doormat, a people pleaser, second guesses himself and always puts his needs last. A balanced alpha male will accept honest feedback without getting butt-hurt or taking things personally, because he strives to become a better man without losing himself and allowing others to jerk him around. If you are unwilling to stand up for yourself and what you believe in, other people won’t respect you, and women won’t love or value you as anything other than a platonic friend.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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