No Contact & Attracting Her Back When You Live Together

How to employ no contact when you still live together & want her back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who admits he became lazy and complacent in his relationship and was no longer acting like a 3% Man. He stopped dating and courting his wife properly and now he’s sleeping in the spare bedroom. He asks about applying no contact and attracting her back while living together.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer. He’s like a longtime viewer who met his wife about 14 years ago when he was right out of, I think it was a divorce or right out of a relationship. They started dating. Things went sideways at some point, and then that’s when he came across my work. He was able to attract her back and eventually they got married and they’ve had several kids since then.

And he admits he completely got away from 3% Man over the years. He stopped dating and courting her, making her feel heard and understood. And he’s just recently got back into my work now because things have gone sideways in his marriage. He’s sleeping on the couch. He obviously admits that he screwed up and he’s like, “How do I apply no contact? What do I do? And we’re living together.” So he writes in an email.

Sometimes the guys are in these situations that are married or they’re living with their girlfriend or baby mama, and the woman will tell the guy to move out. Something you gotta understand about this is if you want to stay together, you don’t leave the castle. The king does not kick get kicked out of his castle. He stays.

Now, if your queen, your fair maiden, wants to leave and go stay with her parents or whatever, that’s fine, but if you tell your girlfriend, your wife, if you’re living together that you want to work things out and then you move out of the house, well your actions kind of show that your relationship would stay. And instead of staying together, you’re moving further apart. This is why you don’t move.

And also he shouldn’t, which he knows, but he shouldn’t have moved into the guest bedroom if she wanted to go stay in the guest bedroom, that could have been fine because they got little kids and somebody’s gonna have to explain to the kids, “Why is daddy on the couch? Why is daddy in the guest bedroom? Why is mommy in the guest bedroom?” And if she’s the one putting the brakes on the relationship or wanting some distance, then she gets to explain that.

At the end of the day, you guys got to work out your differences. And so 20 years I’ve been doing this, what I see over and over and over and over again with guys that are in this situation is what most men do. They stop dating and courting their girl and they don’t make her feel heard and understood. She complained, we never do anything. We never do this, we never do that. And eventually the guy just strays so much that the woman just gives up.

So this particular email is from a viewer. He’s like a longtime viewer who he met his wife about 14 years ago when he was right out of a, I think it was a divorce or right out of a relationship. They started dating. Things went sideways at some point, and then that’s when he came across my work. He was able to attract her back and eventually they got married. And they’ve had several kids since then.

And he admits he completely got away from 3% Man over the years. He stopped dating and courting her, making her feel heard and understood. And he’s just recently got back into my work now because things have gone sideways in his marriage. He’s sleeping on the couch. He obviously admits that he screwed up and he’s like, how do I apply No Contact? What do I do? And we’re living together.

And so he writes in an email, you know, sometimes the guys are in these situations that are married or they’re living with their girlfriend or baby mama, and the woman will tell the guy to move out. Something you gotta understand about this. If you want to stay together, you don’t leave the castle. The king does not kick get kicked out of his cat, his castle. He stays. Now, if your queen, your fair maiden, wants to leave and go stay with her parents or whatever, that’s fine.

Because if you tell your girlfriend, your wife, if you’re living together that you want to work things out and then you move out of the house, well, your actions kind of show that your relationship would stay. And instead of staying together, you’re moving further apart. This is why you don’t move.

And you know, and also he shouldn’t, of which he knows, but he shouldn’t have moved into the guest bedroom if she wanted to go stay in the guest bedroom, that could have been fine because they got little kids and somebody’s gonna have to explain to the kids, why is daddy on the couch?

Why is daddy in the guest bedroom? Why is mommy in the guest bedroom? And if she’s the one putting the brakes on the relationship or wanting some distance, then she gets to explain that. That’s because at the end of the day, you guys got to work out your differences. And so 20 years I’ve been doing this, what I see over and over and over and over again with guys that are in this situation is what most men do.

They stop dating and courting their girl and they don’t make her feel heard and understood. She complained, we never do anything. We never do this, we never do that. And eventually the guy just strays so much that the woman just gives up. She’s like ready to tap out. Because despite her complaints, countless conversations they’ve had about the issue, he’s still not taking corrective action.

Unfortunately this is why you guys that are avid fans and reading the book and you probably have had this experience, you do well with it, and then you start buying copies for your friends and giving it out. You give out ten copies. You’re lucky if one of them even cracks the book and they all go, oh yeah, I really need I’m going to read that book. That’s really important. And they just, oh, I’m busy man. You know, we’re gotten away.

And but as soon as they’re in pain and things aren’t going well, then they’re like, oh, I’m going to crack the book. That’s when they get serious about it. So unfortunately, this guy’s waited until he’s in the guest bedroom to get back to watching videos. And so now he’s trying to turn things around. This is why I suggest at least every six months you should go through the book just to keep things fresh. Because whatever you observe, you participate in.

And if you’re only consuming traditional TV and movies, whether you realize it or not, you’re getting brainwashed with false archetypes. You’re getting brainwashed and emotionally anchored through the emotions and the soundtrack of movies to anchor yourself to certain ways of thinking and being and showing up in a relationship.

And you see that over and over and over. You’re no longer participating or involved in the book or studying it over watching sitcoms and movies, you see the same archetypes over and over. You just kind of slowly fall back asleep again.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Hope you are well, first time emailing you but long time viewer. I could do with your guidance please on how to handle the mess I’ve got myself into with my wife (probably because I didn’t follow your instructions in the book).

I get that a lot.

I met my now wife 14 years ago when I was just out of a relationship and had a 2-year-old boy from a previous relationship that I see on the weekends. My wife and I started dating, she’s in sales so highly motivated and can be quite feisty at best of times.

Probably got a little bit of boss girl energy.

Anyways, we got pregnant within a few months of dating and decided to give it a go I moved in but issues with having my son over at the weekends and dealings with my sons mother (my ex) at the time took its toll, after our baby girl came along and was 2 years old our relationship deteriorated with arguments etc. etc., so I took the heavy decision to move out. Broken hearted and tired of the heartbreak I decided to do some research, which is when I discovered Corey Wayne, I followed every video step by step and wouldn’t you know it worked!

Even if you think I’m totally full of shit, you apply what’s in the book. It’s free to read, you’ll get better results, and you were getting on your own. You got to clean up your unattractive behavior. Get back to being the guy that you fell in love with and wanted to marry and have kids with.

We got back together, got married and have two more beautiful girls, however I foolishly stopped following the principles of two (big mistake)…

Well, again, it’s 14 years, so it’s not something that happens in a couple of weeks or a couple of months. It’s something that happened over a long time and it’s been many years, maybe ten. I talked to guys all the time are like, yeah, I stopped watching your videos ten years ago. And then they get themselves into trouble and they get back into the book and they’re like, God, they just can’t believe how far away they’ve strayed from the principles, even though they used to know it, like they could teach a class on it.

So it’s just like working out. You can’t just work out a few times or get yourself in shape and then go, hey, well, I’m done now. I can just pig out and eat cake and drink beer all day and everything would be great. You got to be disciplined. This is why Jocko Willink says discipline equals freedom. Freedom from this kind of stuff. But unfortunately, our viewer was not disciplined, which he realizes.

…And slowly the relationship had been going downhill until nearly two years ago our second youngest girl became seriously unwell and had to spend a long time in treatment in hospital for cancer.

Well, that’s terrible, that’s awful.

My wife had to quit her job (something she loved) and blames me constantly for not spending as much time in the hospital although I was there just as much and looking after our other children whilst keeping a job going to pay the bills.

So when women complain about that, usually the guy’s first response is like, I’m in the hospital as much as you. What she’s really saying is that you’re not present enough. In other words, she wants you to spend more time together to take it seriously. And that’s why, remember, they kind of speak in hyperbole. They tend to make things much bigger or sound much worse than they really are. But at the end of the day, she wanted you to be around more.

And that’s typically what happens when she’s not feeling heard and understood, because you’re not taking the time to open her up, because I can imagine you’re going through something like that. She had to quit her job because it’s just an incredible amount of time that’s required to keep and make sure your baby girl recovers and gets healthy. And it’s an admirable and you should also compliment her on the fact that she was willing to quit her job, that she loved to take care of her baby girl and you really respect her and are proud to call her your bride and baby mama, because that’s what a great mother would do.

But at the end of the day, when you’re that busy, you still got to make time for each other. You still got a date in court each other. Because if you don’t date in court, your wife, eventually some other dude’s going to come along and do it for you. The courtship never ends. But I mean, you can see in a case, especially a case like this with all these kids, and he’s got one that’s got some serious health challenges to the point where the wife can’t work. You know, it’s it’s easy to understand how life kind of gets in the way. You’re like, oh, we’re going to be at the hospital or this or that. We’ll go on a date next month and it just never happens. And you basically become roommates.

Anyway after many arguments…

Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them. And probably again, she was complaining that she didn’t feel you were present. You might have physically been there, but emotionally, mentally, you were checked out and somewhere else. You weren’t as attentive as you had been in the first few years of your relationship.

…I went out for a few drinks two weeks ago and she started at me when I came home and I blew my top!

So the fact that you’re not dating and courting her properly, she’s probably complaining. You never do anything with the family or her. And then you go out by yourself and have a couple cocktails. So anything that looks like you’re going and having fun on your own and not including her or the kids is gonna upset her. Of course she’s gonna get pissed, especially if she’s already been complaining that you’re not home enough. You’re not spending enough time with the kids or with her. So that’s just that’s not helpful.

Said some horrible things and deeply regret hurting her. I apologized the next day several times, but she has said she doesn’t think we can fix this because it happened so many times.

There you go. So this wasn’t the first time she bitched about it. She’s like, we need to go out more. We need you. Never take me anywhere. You need to spend more time with the kids. But, honey, you know, I’m busy. You know, I’m paying off that. Medical debt is usually how the guys often respond. They start going with logic and reason, trying to win the argument instead of recognizing. All she’s really saying is spend time with us. Spend time with the ones you love most.

And if you just keep giving excuses, eventually, at some point, she’s just going to realize he’s just not showing up. So that’s the problem. I mean, the fact that because when I when I talk to guys in these situations, one of the things I always ask them is like, what did, what is your girlfriend? What is your wife complain about? And usually she says it over and over and the guys will usually laugh and chuckle, and they’ll tell me 2 or 3 phrases that she says all the time. And then I can tell what’s what’s really going on.

Because again, guys hear these sayings, they’re like, well, you understand we’re trying to pay down this medical debt and this and that, and we can’t go out and be spending this money. And at the end of the day, you can make time to take your wife out on a picnic at a lake or to get the grandparents to come over and babysit. It’s your job to handle those things so you can take your wife away and she can forget about life, even if it’s just for a few hours in the evening. So it’s just the two of you and you spent just like a on a first date where she’s doing most of the talking and you’re just listening.

That shows that you care. So along the way, you stop showing her through your actions that you cared. And so when you blew up at her for going and doing something other than really being a tenant tentative attendant, a tentative husband and father. She just looks at me like I’ve told them 50 times, and yet he’d rather go out and drink and have fun with his beer buddies or his poker friends than be with me in the family. And again, there’s a time limit. You can’t just keep neglecting that.

She said she feels numb to me and can’t see us working it out, she said she needs space and maybe some time apart.

Well, that’s where your response is like, I can understand you wanting some space, but I don’t want a time apart. I want to work on her. I want to work on our marriage. We have a family, we got several kids. And you know, you’re right. You have been complaining a lot. And I’ve been taking it for granted.

And I put work or I put this or I put that in between you and I and our relationship and my relationship with the kids. And thank you for always pointing that out and being patient with me. And you know, I’m going to do better. I’m going to I’m going to be attentive. I’ll be I’ll be around more because I I’ve heard what you had to say and I’m sorry it didn’t sink in sooner. I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten from your perspective.

So I have been keeping my distance in the house and out of respect I moved to the small spare bedroom (another mistake I realized after reconnecting with your videos)…

Yeah, you shouldn’t have done that. Because if you want to stay together, why are you in the guest room? Because the kids are going to look at that and go, well, daddy moved to the guest room. He must be the one causing the problems. So she’s the one asking you to move out or move into the guest room or whatever. Then you say, “I’m not doing that. If we got something to work out, let’s work it out. But I’m not going to move the guest room. I don’t want to explain to the kids why I’m sleeping in the guest room, or you for that matter. We need to be able to work things out between us.”

The problem with guys is they just think oftentimes they think, “Oh, she’s being emotional. She’s just being upset. I need some time by myself. I need my man cave time.” And they hear the same things over and over and they’re like, I didn’t think she was serious. I didn’t think things were that bad. I didn’t think it would lead to me sleeping in the guest room. And then. Yet here he is.

And so what you need to be doing is you still need to be working out and taking care of yourself and being present. And when you’re with her. Hey, babe. How’s your day? What’s new? What’d I miss while I was away? Anything I can do to help out? Obviously with the kids. I don’t know if she’s still a stay at home mom or mostly a stay at home mom or what the deal is. But when you get home, your job is to be 100% present for her and the children.

And if and it’s also your job, remember, the family that plays together stays together. And so if she’s been bitching that you don’t spend time with the kids, then take the kids out, take them out for dinner. Say, let’s go take the kids to dinner. Let’s go to take him someplace like a Dave and Buster’s or something like that. Where the kids. I don’t know if they’re old enough to do those things, but somewhere where you can take the kids and there’s games and other things, and then the two of you can kind of eat and keep your eye on them and have some time for yourselves as well.

And she’s like, oh, I don’t want to go. I was like, all right, well, I’ll take the kids. And then, you know, you can kind of hang out and have some coffee or whatever. You want me to get you anything while I’m out. He’s like, no, I’m fine. I was like, all right, I’ll see you later. Let’s go kids. And then you take the kids out and go have an adventure and have fun. It was like, well, you know, if you change your mind, call me, and then maybe you can meet up with us.

Maybe you could surprise us. And so maybe she takes an hour long bubble bath or whatever and puts some music on and relaxes, and then maybe she texts you, hey, where are you guys at? It’s like we’re having a blast. You can send her a video of you and the kids having fun and they can say, mommy, we miss you, mommy, come meet us and maybe she’ll come meet us.

You just kind of have like, an open door policy. We’d love to have you join us in the fun bus. If you’d rather do something without us, then that’s fine too. You’re just going to go and do that. And then you get home. You put the kids to bed. You hang out with her, you open her up, get her to talk. All the stuff that I talked about in the book, especially the ten Disciplines of love in the back of the book, and she talks about moving out or breaking up or having space.

Just say, I don’t want that. If you want some time apart and you want to go stay at your parents house or something for a few days, whatever, that’s cool, I don’t mind. I’ll take care of the kids and we’ll have a blast. But I love you and I want to work things out. And you’re right, I wasn’t as attentive and as I should have. And I know you complained about it a lot and I was wrong, but I’m going to do better. By the way, you look really cute in that outfit.

So if you come home and you’re hanging out and you’re joking around and you’re laughing and you’re occasionally breaking your balls, and you’re getting her to open up and talk and tell you about the day and, and offering to help and ask her what she needs done around the house or whatever when you’re all there. Because again, anybody that’s been a dad knows like it’s a man, you got three kids. I think he has four kids total. That’s like, that’s a madhouse. That’s a lot of work.

So she’s been home with a bunch of little kids all day. She’s going to want some help, and then the kids go to bed. The two of you can hang out, maybe have a glass of wine together, shoot the shit, and you just listen to her. Just let her talk. And as she’s talking, look for signs that she starts playing with her hair or touching your arm or I feel so much better. I’m so glad we talked. I really appreciate you helping out with the kids more lately. And that’s great.

And, and then just again, when you see the signs are there, they’re there in the book. Seduce her, hang out, have fun. Hook up. And after you and after that, it’s like I’d be sleeping back in the master suite. He’s like, she’s like, what are you doing? It’s like the king is sleeping and the king’s chambers. She says, well, I’m not ready for that. I was like, well, if you’d rather go sleep in the couch or in the guest room, that’s okay. But I’d much rather have you in here with me so we can cuddle. So you’re not going to get mad, but you’re not leaving. You’re not going anywhere.

…And recently bought the book I’m only a few pages in, I’m not moving out and told her I’m here to be the best I can for my kids and our family, I’m just finding it very hard to navigate this path at the minute and could do with your personal help. Thank you in advance, kind regards.

So he sends us a second short email to add a little blurb to it. But you don’t want to get mad. You don’t want to get angry. You don’t want to get perturbed. If she says things that are hurtful to hear about how you made her feel or whatever, it’s like you got to acknowledge that stuff. Don’t take it personally. Just look at it as you’re just trying to get back to the basics that are in the book, treating them properly, fulfilling her needs like you used to.

And as soon as you start having fun together and hanging out, you’ll notice you’ll slowly warm to you. You again, you have an open door policy. We’d love for you to come with us, but if you’d rather have some alone time. I’ll take the kids out. I’ll take them to dinner, go keep them busy. And you know, you can have go have a bubble bath. Maybe you can even bring home a nice little basket with some bubble bath and some bath bombs and other things where you like, you go shopping like bed, bed, bath or bath and body bed, bath, bath and body works kind of place like that.

Get her a nice little care package, maybe get it all done up and you show up. He’s like, babe, I got you something. I’m taking the kids out tonight and I want you to. Here’s a little nice glass of wine for you. And here’s a little care package. Enjoy yourself in the Jacuzzi or the Jacuzzi tub or the bathtub or whatever. We got some, maybe some candles as well. I just wanted you to know, I appreciate you, your great wife, great mom.

We’ve been through hell these last few years and just want you to know, I appreciate you and I love you, and I’m going to take the kids out and have a good time. You can come with us. But if you really like to have a spa day by yourself in the house, we’ll be gone for a few hours and have a good time, and we’ll be back later so she can come with you. She can do the bath. Again you want her to come with you? If she wants. If she’d rather stay home, she can stay home. There’s your No Contact. There’s your space.

You go off and do other things and take the kids with you. And then when you when you come back home, the kids are like, oh, we had so much fun. Daddy’s so awesome. Then she’s going to start to feel a little left out and she might get a little bothered. The fact that the kids had so much fun with dad, and they didn’t really seem to miss mom at all. It’s like, well, babe, next time you’ll just have to come with us.

If this makes it to video to all you guys out there if you follow the rules in the book they work! 100 percent. If you don’t you end up where I am in the spare bed, LOL.

It’s my birthday today and got some nice gifts from the little ones but nothing from my wife just said happy birthday in passing, my question is our 10-year wedding anniversary is due in four weeks. Should I get her a card and gift…

Yes.

…Or do I just leave it.

No.

P.S., In case I didn’t mention it in my email before, my intentions are to hopefully work things out with my wife if it’s possible. Thank you again, Corey.

Bob

You give her a card and a gift. Because love is an act. You go to a relationship to give. And your wife is basically been bitching that you haven’t been present and haven’t been doing the thing, the little things that you used to do. So not getting her a gift even though she didn’t get you anything for your birthday. The kids did and the kids didn’t buy that shit on their own. She picked it out for them. So she technically bought you the gifts for the kids.

And her not giving you anything is basically her way of saying, I’m pissed at you. Because if she really didn’t give a fuck, she the kids wouldn’t have bought you anything. She’d just been like, eh. But the fact is, she still did. That shows she cares, but she’s mad and that’s understandable. Obviously you wouldn’t be sending this email and if things were going great. So I would look at at the presence that the kids got you. It’s like indirectly your wife’s trying to act like, oh, I didn’t get you anything.

But, I mean, she was thoughtful enough to make sure the kids got you something. She didn’t have to do that. And that was nice. So that’s a good sign. So again, don’t get upset. And again, you’re still going to treat her like your queen, even if things are frosty and cold. And I suspect if you get back to the book and you start doing all the things you used to do that you stopped doing by the time your anniversary rolls around, maybe you can do.

Even if it’s you don’t have a big budget or you know, a lot of money to spend, maybe do a little staycation, maybe the kids go stay with grandma and grandpa and you guys get the house to yourself at night, and then you can make dinner together and have a lovely evening. Maybe you go to a a nice store where they have nice dresses and you buy her a dress and you have it wrapped up in a bow. And then for. And it’s like, happy anniversary, I love you. She can open. It’s like, I want you to wear it tonight.

And then she can wear it and you guys can make dinner together. Like you have a little staycation dinner at your place. Or you could also take her out. You just have to kind of play it by ear and see how it is. And so the important things is every day. Hey, babe, how’s your day? What’d I miss? What do you need help with? If the dishes are piled up in the sink, just fucking handle it. Put them in the dishwasher. Handle it. If the dishwasher is full, empty it and put the dirty stuff in there.

You know, do the things to make it easy to where she could just relax and enjoy herself. So again, you know what she’s been bitching about and complaining about that you weren’t doing. So do those things. You can’t just ignore it. And so when she sees you making that effort and you’re taking the time to open her up and get her to talk, and occasionally you treat her like a little bratty little sister and you tease her again, what you’re looking for when she feels open, what happens?

She plays her hair. She touches your arm. She stands extra close. She laughs at your stupid jokes. The kids laugh at your jokes. So if you get back to laughing and having fun together and helping out and opening her up. She’s going to loosen up a little bit and she’ll still say, you know, she’s pissed at you or whatever, but as soon as you start laying the pipe again, it’s I go first night you lay the pipe, I be sleeping back in the master bed. You should have never left.

But once you hook up again, I’d be sleeping in the bed. She says, what are you doing? I was like, I’m sleeping in our bed. I was like, what are you doing? She’s like, well, you need to sleep in the guest room. I was like, no, I’m not sleeping in the guest room. If you’d rather do that. After we just had this amazing, passionate night, you can go sleep there. But quite frankly, I like to have my cuddle cuddle bunny tonight. Why would you want to go sleep in there? It’s much colder in that room than it is here with me.

Your warm man who just beat up your pelvis and made you come like a waterfall. So hang out, have fun, hook up. Remember, the family that plays together stays together so you know where you went wrong. And obviously, as you continue to go through the book, the light bulbs are going to go off and you’re like, man, I really got away from it. But you’re still living together, so it should be pretty easy to turn this situation around.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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