No Contact & The Power Of Being A Free Agent Again To Re-Attract Her

How the power of being a free agent again while in no contact can re-attract your girl after a breakup.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 38 year old viewer who started following my work about 10 years ago after a breakup. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and baby momma of 8 years after he got complacent, stopped dating and courting her, argued with her and moved out when she started dating other men after dumping him. Now he wants to put his family back together and asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “No Contact In The Power Of Being A Free Agent Again To Re-Attract Her.”

Well, this particular email, this guy is 38 years old and he said he started following my work about ten years ago after a bad breakup. And so he’s took about two years, as he says, to be single, get his act together, get centered back and who he was to date to obviously apply what he was learning in 3% Man. And then he met a woman who had become his baby mama two years later. And so they had a child together. And then he became a stepdad to her daughter from a previous relationship.

And he says they both come from really traumatic backgrounds. He comes from a family of liars and cheaters. She comes from a family of liars and cheaters. So the deck has been kind of stacked against both of them, especially for those of you that are familiar with my work and how I always talk about you want somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, who communicates well, ideally, a girl who has a good relationship with her dad. She loves her dad. She respects her dad. She admires him. She looks up to him. She respects his authority.

The wife or the baby mama respects his authority. All the women in the family respect his authority. They don’t nag him. They don’t keep nagging him and pressing him and coming back to him and annoying him to the point where he just gives in and goes, “All right, fuck it. We’ll do whatever you guys want to do.” Just to get them off his back. So in other words, when he decides that this is what we’re doing, that’s it. He doesn’t get countermanded. He doesn’t constantly get questioned. Everybody trusts his leadership. That’s what a healthy father does. He’s masculine. He’s the head of the household. He rules the roost, as the old saying goes.

Not some dad that’s a squishy, soft pushover that everybody walks all over and steps on. And so the worse a woman’s relationship is with her father, especially if she either had no father or she hates her father. Typically, those women I found in my own life, women I’ve dated like that. It’s just, if they come from a good family oriented background and the dad is the man of the household, he’s totally in his masculine energy and everybody submits and trusts his leadership, then she’s going to be pretty good to be in a relationship with. She’s going to be calm.

The father taught her to be calm and relaxed. The more there’s chaos in the home, the more she’s going to bring that chaos into your life, because that’s all she knows. And on top of that, she’s emotionally anchored to that kind of dysfunctional behavior that feels normal to her. So if you’re calm, easygoing, easy to get along with, and she is used to chaos and was raised in chaos, eventually she’s going to create chaos in your life and your relationship because that feels normal to her.

It doesn’t feel normal where things are easy and effortless, but as I often said that it doesn’t mean everybody that comes from a broken household is screwed and you shouldn’t date them. It’s just most people, major and minor things, and they simply won’t do the work on themselves. They won’t go to therapy, they won’t study self-help. They won’t fix themselves, in essence.

They won’t recognize that the environment they came from is not really conducive to having good, healthy relationships. And so they do something about it. But again, I mean, when you look at the average American, what 74% of Americans are either overweight or obese. So right off the bat, 74%, 75% of the population is just, they’re not even disciplined enough to take care of their own bodies, or change their diet, or institute some kind of exercise program where they can stay lean, fit, and thin.

Like I often like to say lean and mean, like Steve McQueen. If you, Steve McQueen, the famous actor, the one that died in 1980, if you ever saw the documentary, I think it’s called, “I Am Steve McQueen.” It’s really great. I highly recommend it. It’s like he was a man’s man. He wasn’t a big, huge, bulky guy. He trained with Bruce Lee, was friends with Bruce Lee. He worked out, he was fit, and he lived life on his own terms.

He wasn’t jacking himself up with steroids or growth hormone or anything like that. He was just lean and mean. He was the man. And what was amazing about that documentary, “I Am Steve McQueen” is that his widow, his ex-wives, women he dated, women that knew him just I mean, the guy has been dead since 1980 and this documentary is, I don’t know, five, seven years old, I can’t remember, but just to listen to them, talk to them, even though some of them he didn’t. He treated very poorly when they were together.

You could still they just he oozed masculinity, dangerous masculinity as it was. He was the king of cool. So he was back then he was the ultimate dude. He was the biggest movie star in the world in his generation. And to see his widows, his widow, his girlfriend, his former ex-wives, other women that knew him, just gushing about him all these decades later, it’s like that says a lot. It’s like, you know, if he was a shitbird, it’s like they would have been talking shit about him.

But instead you could tell they missed him terribly and they thought very highly of him, even though at times he did really shitty things to them, because he was a man’s man. And so the more you act like a masculine guy, the more you take care of yourself and you do the things that are necessary and you’re disciplined. Like Jocko Willink says, “Discipline equals freedom.” The better you’re going to be. And so this particular emailer, even though he’s familiar with my work, even though he spent a lot of time going through it, he got complacent.

He stopped dating and courting his baby mama. He argued with her. And then she broke up with him. And they stayed living in the same house. But when she started dating other men after she dumped him, he couldn’t take it. And he moved out. Which goes against what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back because a man doesn’t leave his castle. But he left. And so now that he’s out on the outside looking in, he’s getting back, he’s getting recentered, he’s getting back to all the things that he let go by the wayside. And he wants to get his family back together.

But it just goes to show, I mean, I see this over and over. I’ve been in this 20 years now. And it doesn’t matter where in the globe these guys are, if they stop dating and courting their wife or their girlfriend or their baby mama, and they don’t make her feel heard and understood, the relationship is not going to last. It’s as simple as that. So you can be great for seven years, but in year eight you just completely fall apart and you become undisciplined. You let yourself go. You stop taking care of your body. You stop following your purpose and mission.

You don’t date and court your girl anymore. You don’t make her feel special. She complains about it. You just don’t take her seriously. And you just keep doing what you’re doing. Eventually, somebody else is going to come along and date her for you. And so that’s the situation this guy finds himself in. And now that he’s on the outside looking in, he’s like, “Man, I want to make this work.” And he’s obviously not proud of his behavior. But it’s a good email. It’s a cautionary tale of like, this is important. You can’t be disciplined for two years or five years or seven.

It’s like you always have to be this way. That’s what’s so attractive about us men to women is when we’re disciplined, when we handle the little things. Day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year, even when we don’t feel like it. Like, Jocko gets up every morning at 4:30, takes a picture of his watch.

He’s in the gym. He’s working out. He’s getting after it. Even though he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t feel like it. He’s just doing it. And he’s been doing it for so long, for so many decades, that to not do what he know he needs to do is too painful. So he just does it. He’s just disciplined like nobody I’ve ever, ever seen on Social Media. And so the idea is be more like Jocko.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m a big admirer of your work and the no-bullshit-common-sense principals in what you teach. I’m a 38 year old male currently 8 weeks in to a breakup with a girlfriend of 8 years. Not my wife. I have commitment issues, I know and we’ll get to that.

There’s nothing wrong with deciding you don’t want to involve the government in your relationship. And if you’re a guy, it’s all about self-reliance, then ideally you would want your girl to be just as successful as you are. You want her to be totally independent. Because what happens if you get hit by a bus? Who’s going to raise your kids? You want your woman to be competent as well. You want her to be able to fill in the blanks.

You want her to be able to maintain the family environment and the family home if something happens to you. Because then she can teach your kids, your sons, and your daughters to be self-reliant as well. And in that way, when they get into relationships, they’re into them because they’re sharing their completeness with somebody else, not because they’re a woman and they need a man to take care of them, or a guy looking for a girl to be his mommy. They’re completely independent. They can take care of themselves.

They can pay their bills on time. They can manage their retirement accounts. They can manage their investments. They always pay themselves first, no matter how much or how little they make. 20% comes off the top and it gets put away. This is something that if you’re a man and you’re self reliant, you should be teaching everybody under your roof how to become self-reliant if you’re no longer there. So the family doesn’t fall apart in case something happens to you or your widow has to go out and try to find another guy to fill your shoes.

You want her to be able to keep moving forward. Because if you think about it from this perspective, if your girlfriend or your wife is self reliant, she can take care of herself and she can make good money, whether it’s just investing the family money or whatever it happens to be, then she can pass it on to your kids. And on top of that, if she doesn’t need you for money or resources or anything. But yet she sticks around. She’s there because of you, not because of stuff she gets from you.

And that’s what real, true love is. You want somebody to be happy even if it’s not with you. And if your girl doesn’t need you, if she’s got her own money and she’s got her own success and she can do it on her own, but she chooses to stay with you, well, then you should take that as a high compliment. Because if she doesn’t need you for anything financially and she can take care of herself, but she chooses to stay with you, then that’s when you truly have arrived.

Because again, you want to co-parent with somebody like that, and you want to be able to teach these principles of self-reliance to your sons and your daughters, so they don’t have to depend on somebody else to take care of them, and therefore they can make their decisions based upon what feels right for them and not what they feel obligated to do. Or they’re in a position where they’re in a financial bind, and they need somebody to come along and bail them out. So that’s definitely something to think about.

I’m a 38 year old male currently 8 weeks in to a breakup with a girlfriend of 8 years. Not my wife. I have commitment issues, I know and we’ll get to that. We have a 5 year old son together and an 11 year old daughter that I helped raise from her previous marriage.

So she basically had a three year old when they met. And so that’s very honorable that a man would do that. I know the Red Pill retards don’t like that. “Oh, never date a single mom.” It’s like it’s just ridiculous. It’s such weakness, such pathetic. There’s so much pathetic nonsense in the Red Pill Community. But we can talk about that another day. A man does not feel threatened because a woman has a child for somebody else. Maybe she made a bad decision. Maybe she’s a widower.

Maybe she married some guy, thought he was a good dude, and he developed a drug problem or a gambling problem, or he just couldn’t keep things going. He wasn’t a disciplined enough guy. Or it turns out he was a liar and a cheater. I mean, those things are going to happen. Life is messy. Relationships are messy. There is no perfect Disney movie that everybody should be aspiring to. You got to take people on a case by case basis. You got to judge them by their actions and judge their character. Character is destiny after all.

It was a heartbreaking breakup 10 years ago that led me to your work. Your guidance helped me reignite the fires of my masculine core and eliminate weak traits that would unbalance the feminine women in my life —chasing them right out of it. I remained single for 2 years healing, working on myself, and practicing the principals you teach by dating other women; hanging out, having fun, and hooking up.

I then ended up meeting said woman of my dreams. I’ve read the book at least 50 times and supplemented with hundreds of videos. I evolved into a strong centered man that took care of himself, the people around him, his children, and especially his woman.

This is what being self-reliant is. And again, these principles should be taught to your girl and to your kids. Again, in case something happens to you, because you just never know. That’s life. Life is messy. And as the old saying goes, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

Her and I both come from very difficult childhoods which affect every aspect of our relationship. Her biological father disappeared when she was 2 years old and her stepdad was an unaffectionate, abusive, lying, cheating piece of shit. Daddy issues are not a joke.

So right off the bat, the girl already, the deck is stacked against her. And in most cases, that would preclude her from being able to have a healthy, happy, normal relationship. And on the flip side, so here’s his background.

My mother was a liar and a cheater, and I grew up moving to new homes every 1 to 2 years as I watched my mom cheat and blow through good men; divorce after divorce. Needless to say, I do not believe in divorce under normal circumstances. I’m a strong believer in finding a way, not a way out.

But one thing I will say that’s nice to say that, but at the end of the day, you did move out of the house. You left your castle. And that is against what I teach. So you dipped.

Over the last 2 years or so I gradually grew complacent in the relationship and in life. I stopped being the leader. I’m a carpenter by trade and I don’t make a ton of money. With the rising costs of everything we were having financial issues.

Well, the biggest reason for divorce is financial stress. When you look at the number one reason, it’s financial issues.

Struggling with addictions that we eventually overcame, and since she works in the nursing field, we had opposite work schedules where we each had the kids alone and we never saw each other.

Well. In other words, he allowed them to not see each other very often and that’s on him because he’s a leader. But notice what he says. Full accountability.

I had dug us into a ditch of complacency. I stopped dating and courting my woman, our communication with each other turned sour and we would often argue. I know never argue with women.

This guy read The Book 50 times. But again, that was eight years and I say this a lot. This is not something that happens over a few weeks and a few months. This is usually in a long term relationship. It’s many years. It’s just he slowly gets away from being the guy that she fell in love with. It’s just a little lack of discipline here, a little lack of discipline there. And next thing you know, eight years later, you’re out of your house and your baby mama is dating and sleeping with other men, in your house, because you moved out.

I never made her feel heard and understood. Her issues with men only exasperated the dysfunction and caused me to regress even further to behaviors and traits that were unattractive.

Because probably at some point he stopped reading The Book, got away from watching the videos. He just didn’t stay disciplined. You know, it’s like going to the gym, and I’m not perfect with that. Sometimes I take a few months off, sometimes I’m on for 2 or 3 months and it’s just I’m a turtle. It’s the way I look at it. It’s, I’m trying to continue to maintain and take care of my body as best I can as I go through the decades, because now I’m 54 and everybody I grew up with, everybody that I know, that’s my age.

It’s like they’re all overweight and out of shape. Some of them are severely obese. And even though they may have worked out when we were younger, they stopped a long, long, long time ago. So again, the idea is to maintain it at your best without making a religion of it and injecting yourself with all kinds of shit, which a lot of guys do to look good. But that shit shortens your life.

We stopped hanging out, having fun, and as time went on towards the end hooking up less and less. I eventually got the inevitable “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and she ended our relationship.

If you don’t date and court your woman, someone else will. A king does not leave his castle when he wants to work things out, but I had to leave for my sanity and the kids’ sake.

Again. You just said a few sentences earlier. “Find a way, not a way out.” And so you left. Because when you leave, it looks like you’re the reason for the breakup. Which, I mean, ultimately you are, because you’re supposed to be the leader and you stopped leading. But the fact that you left, whether you realize it or not, communicates that you were out.

Therefore, if your girl didn’t want to stay with you anymore and she wants to start dating other dudes, she’s got to be the one to leave. And then that way she has to explain to the children why the family broke up. Because it’s on her. She’s the one that left. But now you look like the guilty party because you left.

I wasn’t about to sit by and be her gay male girlfriend babysitter if she was going out on dates.

Well, you should have been going out on dates. And in the same token, you should have had her go and get her own place and move out. And you stay where you are, unless you couldn’t afford it. Again she’s a nurse. He says, he doesn’t make a lot of money.

It wasn’t a healing environment for anyone so I moved out.

Again, if you want to work things out, you don’t leave your house. But what’s done is done.

If the kids weren’t involved I would have stated my romantic interest and distaste for platonic friendship and walked away without a fuss.

Again, she goes in the guest room or on the couch. You don’t leave the master suite.

But the kids add a deeper dynamic of commitment and love. I did everything my masculine core told me not to and the illusion of action took over which I am not proud of. Over the course of 3 weeks I begged, I pleaded, I guilt tripped with the kids, I brought up solutions, jealous accusations of monkey branching, I pummeled her with harsh words and verbal abuse because that’s how I felt about myself on the inside. Hurt people hurt people. I was relentless and ended up sabotaging whatever emotional security remained because I saw her as the reason for breaking our family up.

Well, she did end the relationship, but the fact that you left it made you look like the guilty party.

And putting our kids and us through this. Bottom line is if I had been a better man then she’d still be here.

Well, if you’d have been disciplined. But, you know, again, I deal with guys on every continent of the globe and every cultural and spiritual and religious background. It’s like you have to date your wife or your girlfriend. You just have to. The family that plays together stays together. And at some point you guys became roommates and it seemed almost like you were avoiding each other. She’s working at the hospital. You’re probably working, you know, at night. You’re probably working during the day doing carpentry and other jobs.

And so at night, you’re taking care of the kids while she’s gone. And during the day, while you’re gone, she’s taking care of the kids. You have to find time for each other. And at some point, you just decided it wasn’t that important to you. And again, you read The Book 50 times. You had to have seen it. But guys just get in their rut and they think, “Oh, it’s not that bad. She’ll never leave me. We got a couple kids, 30 year mortgage, whatever.”

I’d like to salvage our relationship and keep our family together. I know what needs to be done to become the man she fell in love with 8 years ago. I started weight training again, I take my kids whenever I can, and I’ve cut all contact for about 2 weeks now as if she were dead to me.

Yeah, in this case, you got to get all of your arrangements with the kids made ahead of time, so you have no reason to reach out to her.

But my question for you is how can I apply the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back if we still have to see each other and contact each other on the kids’ behalf?

Well, again, your arrangements with the children should be known in advance. You shouldn’t be calling and texting and having to do all of this stuff to make arrangements. Guys that do that are using that as an excuse to have to contact her. You want to make it so there’s no reason for you to ever have to reach out to her at all. Because if everything’s arranged, you know, when you’re picking the kids up, she knows when she’s getting them, and it’s a non-issue.

I still have belongings at our house to remove, we still have joint accounts, I have repairs to make at the house as well. She reached out recently and wanted to get coffee and talk about the house and bills. I said I had a busy week and just wanted to hang out at my place so I invited her over to make dinner together but I got the “I don’t think it’s a good idea” response. So I replied “alright, let me know if you change your mind” and I left it at that. No contact.

If you could offer some guidance on my situation in a newsletter it would be much appreciated.

Much love brother.

Well, it’s disappointing that you didn’t stay disciplined, but you know, that’s on you. You know where you went wrong. Browbeating you is not going to help you. But like I said, all the arrangements with the kids need to be done ahead of time so you have no reason to contact her. So like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says you’ve tried once to invite her over for dinner when she said, “Hey, let’s get together and talk.” And she said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea”, probably because she wanted to do things on your terms.

And again, this is why you follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Because if she’s not down for anything romantic to happen, she’ll refuse to come over and make dinner. Which is exactly what she did. And this way you don’t waste your time and you don’t spend the next 2 or 3 weeks thinking, “Oh, I got a chance. Now we might get back together.” And then you put your personal life on hold and you stop dating or talking to other women because you think, “Hey, now we’re going to work things out.” And then you go and you go to lunch or coffee date and it just goes nowhere.

This is why when you follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back she has to come to you on your terms. She messed it up. Therefore she’s got to fix it. She ended the relationship. Therefore she has to be the one to initiate the rekindling of things. And so you’re open to giving her another chance. But you’re not going to go to her. You’re not going to meet her out. You’re not going to pick her up. If she wants to hang out with you, you can make dinner at your place and just say, “Hey, it’s been a long week. I’m just really tired. You want to come over? We can make dinner together and talk about everything.”

And she goes, “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” And just say, “Okay, well, call me if you change your mind.” And after that, you’re just you’re not going to bring it up. And if she brings it up again, it’s like, “Hey, I told you, I’m willing to do dinner, but I’m not going to get together for coffee and do all that shit. I don’t need to be your gay male girlfriend. If you got something to chat with me about, next time you’re dropping the kids off we can talk in person real quick.” But other than that, it’s like you’re just not going to agree to what she wants. It has to be on your terms because again, you left. And so the longer time goes by.

And she’s dating other guys. She’s got two kids, she’s got two baby daddies at this point. And I mean, in all fairness, it’s like most men are not going to, you know, they may hook up with the hot nurse, but they’re not going to want to date her and have a real relationship. And she may be thinking that she can easily replace you with some other dude. And maybe she does. Maybe she finds another guy that’s got kids from another relationship and they blend the families or whatever. I mean, at this point it doesn’t matter because she’s dating and sleeping with other guys. You should be dating and sleeping with other women and not waiting for her to come back.

You should be trying to find a great girl for you that can step in and be a good stepmom to your son. And you know, I don’t know how close you are with your daughter, but at the end of the day, legally she’s not yours. And so, if you guys never get back together and you drift apart. You might not be involved so much in her daughter’s life and the future. Just because it’s not actually your kid. I don’t know how much the actual father is involved with their life, but if he’s not, and you are her dad, then you’ll still maintain that relationship.

But typically, when it’s not your kid, and especially if the father is involved and then you guys break up, you might lose that relationship with the daughter or it’s not going to be as close, let’s put it that way. And so at this point, all you can really do is be applying what’s in The Book, meeting and dating other women, get some other choices and some other options, because emotionally, it’s hard for you to do the right thing because you got a kid with her, you got a stepdaughter with her, you had a house with her, you got stuff over there, you want to work things out.

But she’s basically at this point saying no dice. So again, this is why you follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is because it prevents and inhibits the woman from wasting your time and giving you blue balls. If she was willing to come over and make dinner at your place, then she was open to sex and romance that night when she says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Maybe it’s because things are progressing well with some of the other guys she’s dating. And so therefore you said you don’t want to be the gay male girlfriend, and so you didn’t agree to act like a gay male girlfriend.

You’re willing to talk to her when you’re exchanging kids, but you’re not going to get together one on one unless it’s dinner at your place. Simple as that. And so say, maybe next time she’s willing to come over and make dinner, everything applies. Hang out, have fun, hook up, get her to do most of the talking. It’s like, I mean, you know what to do. But the problem is you got so far down the rabbit hole, if you will. You fell so far down the mountain, like all the way to the beginning. It’s so you completely got away from everything that made you successful.

And so the only thing you can really do is control the controllables, which is control yourself, control your body, what you do, what you say, who you spend your time with. And so you’re just simply, if she’s going to be your ex, then she needs to be treated like an ex. If you want sex and romance, then if you want to get together one on one, or she wants to get together one on one with you, it’s going to be making dinner at your place. And you do that. And as long as she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out and you have fun, you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go on regular dates.

But you got to let her do all the pursuing. Again if you get all of your arrangements made ahead of time with the kids, maybe this is something that you, instead of doing over text, you do it in person, and agree to it, there’s no reason for you to ever contact her or for her to contact you about the kids. Unless it’s some emergency whatever. It just keeps her from intermixing the lines between friendship and romance. Because you strictly want sex and romance, and she’s trying to keep you in friend zone. Probably trying to see where you’re at.

But the fact that she wasn’t willing to come over and make dinner means that things are progressing with whoever she happens to be dating. So for the most part, you did the right thing there. But like I said, you’re just going to have to be disciplined. And if you had 2 or 3 other girls you were meeting and dating, you might decide you don’t want to go back together with her. You might decide that you would rather have a woman that is more available and doesn’t work at night or work at the hospital or whatever.

And maybe somebody who’s more easygoing, easier to get along with, maybe somebody who’s more disciplined. Like I said, you don’t know what you don’t know. You don’t know what’s out there. She’s trying to replace you with somebody equal or better. Used to be like you used to be. So that’s why the best thing is to get back to being the guy that you were, that you fell in love with. Not only so you can be attractive to her, but other women in the future. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. It’s that simple.

And if you got a question or a challenge and you got something a similar situation, and you want to get my help and you want to run things past me, I do a lot of phone sessions with guys in these situations. I’d say probably at least 80% of my 80%, 85% of my phone sessions are, you know, similar situations where guys trying to get the ex back.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.