No Contact: When To Pull Back & When To Move Forward

When to pull back and when to move forward while in no contact.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who’s new to my work and is trying to get out of friend zone after being stuck for several years. The 2nd email is from a viewer who broke up with his ex over the summer. Four months later she came back after no contact and they had a date recently that seemed to go well.

Both are good emails to discuss when to pull back and when to move forward after turning women off to re-attract them successfully. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of their emails.

Well, I’ve got two different emails I’m going to go through with you today.

The first one is from a guy who’s brand new to my work, and the second one, I think the guy is in fall out for a little while. He had a breakup over the summer back in June. We’re now in November of 2024. So he went into no contact about four months, and then magically, the ex got back in touch. They just had a first date. So he sends me his report on what happened and asked me to critique things and illustrate where things are and what he should do differently. So these are two good emails.

The first guy, he’s kind of been in friend zone with this particular girl that he met in college, and he said at first he had no interest in her. They were just hanging out, they were talking a lot and over time he kind of caught feelings. He’s brand new to my work. I don’t think he’s got to 3% Man yet, so he’s making tons of rookie mistakes. Things kind of come back and forth or go back and forth, she’s tried to friend-zone him, he’s politely declined, then he goes no contact, she reaches back out and then he kind of falls apart all over again every time he interacts with her.

So let’s go through the first guy’s email and see where he is at. Keep in mind he’s brand new, so he’s making a lot of mistakes, doing a lot of unattractive things, but it’s a good email to learn from and what not to do, because it just totally lines up with what’s in the book.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey, 

I just started watching your videos. I met this girl in college. Initially I never liked her and we started hanging out a lot. She used to talk to me everyday, respond to my texts super fast, talk till like 4-5 a.m. in the morning, send fit checks everyday.

So obviously we know that the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody, so he kind of basically became her emotional tampon over text. If you’re trying to date a girl and you spend a lot of time talking on the phone, texting, FaceTiming, WhatsApp messaging, Snapchatting, whatever, typically you’re going to spend little to no time in person. She gets attention and validation from you that you’re interested. Then she goes and sleeps with Chad Thundercock while you get blue balls.

So if you’re romantically interested, the worst thing you can do is just continually talk on the phone all hours of the day and night because you just friend-zone yourself instead of being direct and decisive, getting to the point and making a date. As the book says, if she’s reaching out, you assume she wants to see you and you make a date, but he claims that back then he just was happy to be a friend, but that’s just a lot of time to talk to somebody. Here’s what happens

The more time I spent with her, I started catching feelings for her. Then we had a fight one time…

Probably he started the fight, I would venture to guess, because usually how these things go is they get upset that they’re not spending time together or she’s not calling him back quick enough or she’s not reciprocating and he gets mad and he gets butt-hurt. The reality is, he likes her and he’s afraid that he’s going to lose her, so he starts trying to control the situation by ordering her around or telling her she needs to do certain things or to treat him a certain way. In her mind, they’re just friends, but he’s acting like the jilted boyfriend who’s not getting enough attention. It’s a bad way to go. It’s extremely unattractive, and it’s a surefire way to get yourself stuck in friend zone.

…We both spent time off for a couple months. We reconnected back in the school year and I still really liked her.

Did he reach out to her or did she reach out to him? He didn’t say. He just says, “We reconnected.”

If I was a betting man and I’m in Vegas, do you think he reached out or she reached out? I would say it was probably him after a few months. Maybe I’m wrong, but usually it’s him.

I saw her interest level as the same as before. However, I did the dumb mistake of “Confessing my feelings,” in which she said we should stay friends.

So if a girl says something like that, you say, “Hey, I’m down for friends with benefits,” and that’s what you focus on. She says, “No, just platonic friends,” “No, I’m not interested in platonic friends, but we could be friends with benefits. I don’t want to be just platonic friends. Going to pass on that.”

Even if you’re not even sleeping together, friends with benefits is a great idea. So she says, “I just want to be friends.” It’s like, “I’m totally down for friends with benefits. I’m really glad you brought that up. I think it’s a great idea, so let’s do it!”

Mind you, I took her to concerts, dinners, brought her flowers, push her through college, literally everything you can imagine.

Trying to be a boyfriend even though you’re stuck in friend zone. In other words, this is typically what you see in the movies. The guy is thinking, “Oh, I got to prove myself to her. I got to prove what a good dude I am. Then eventually she’ll see the light and want to date and sleep with me.” It’s cute in the movies, but in real life you just get a really bad case of blue balls and she tells you how much she just thinks of you as a friend and really appreciate your friendship and she wants you to be there for her because Chad Thundercock not treating her right.

So when she said, “We should stay friends,” I politely declined and said I need some time and space. She apologized for leading me on.

So maybe she got back in touch.

So nearly eight months pass by, and it’s our final semester of college. Somehow we reconnected once again…

But he leaves out how they reconnect. Just “Somehow.”

…Everything going well, I did the “Dumb shit” of getting her flowers for her birthday (She said her favorite thing she’s ever gotten), grabbing her a grad gift. So we been talking on and off and I haven’t seen her months cause we both were busy.

So that tells me he wanted to see her, but she was busy and he’s like, “We were busy.” See, this is the cope that us guys come up with. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t fart. It wasn’t me,” but in reality it was. Whoever smelt it dealt it. So if he’s saying, “We’ve been talking on and off, and I haven’t seen her in months because we were both busy,” it’s like, yeah it’s probably more her busy than him.

So been talking back and forth, but now the time for her texts do get longer.

So in other words, she’s taking longer to reply.

Should I pull back and decreased the attention I give her? Should I go no contact? 

Thank You Corey!

Sincerely, 

Bob

Well, you shouldn’t be reaching out to her at all. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and you got to read the book, dude. You got to read 3% Man. It’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. All you got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. There’s just absolutely no excuse for that. You got to clean up your unattractive behavior. The idea is if somebody sticks you in friend zone or doesn’t want sex and romance, you don’t keep calling her and contacting her because that communicates that you accept the friends only vibe, and she assumes that you acquiesce to it because you keep hanging out with her after she said she was only interested in friendship.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. When somebody says, “Friends only,” say, “I’m down with friends with benefits,” and she says, “No no, platonic. I don’t mean it like that. Platonic only,” it’s like, “Well, like I said, I’m down for friends with benefits, but platonic friendship only? I’m going to pass on that. Hey, but call me if you change your mind. I’d love to see you.” You leave it at that. You never call or text again for any reason, and then you let her do 100% of the reaching out after that. Even if she starts reaching out to you and you start going out on dates, you’ve still got to let her do all the pursuing because you got friend-zoned. What happens when you start pursuing again is most of the time what happens is the guy starts to pursue, the girl starts to back off, he pursues more. Then usually within a few weeks, he’s doing 100% of the pursuing and she all of a sudden is unavailable. “Busy,” “Work is crazy,” and “I got to work on myself.” You get excuses like that.

You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. The problem with this guy is he doesn’t back off and give her the space to miss him. He waits to hear from her. She reaches out. She’s still like, “Friends only,” and then he continues interacting with her until he gets frustrated and then pulls back or she apologizes for leading him on. So that’s where he’s going wrong. Again, he’s brand new to my work, so he doesn’t know any better. He says, “Should I go no contact?” The answer is yes. Your pursuit of her is over forever, dude. You got to let her reach out to you, assume she wants to see you and make a date in the evening to make dinner together at your place. Don’t meet her out, don’t pick her up, don’t go to coffee dates, don’t meet on neutral ground, don’t do group dates with your mutual friends. It’s you and her at your place making dinner together or you’re going to pass.

The strongest negotiating position is the position to being able to walk away and mean it. You want sex and romance, she’s trying to friend zone you. That’s why you don’t interact with her in a platonic way. That’s also why you don’t continue pursuing her after she suggested friends only because your actions of pursuing somebody who says, “How about let’s be friends?” And then you keep pursuing her, she assumes you’re OK with just being friends. Obviously this has been going on for several years with this girl, so he’s just got to have the balls to back off and let her do all the pursuing, even when she starts to reach out.

The next email is an email where the guy was actually dating and having sex with his girlfriend, and then she broke it off and then he had to go no contact. About four months later, she reaches out. So he’s a little bit better situation because they obviously have hooked up in the past and dated in the past and were boyfriend/girlfriend, I assume.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Mr. Corey,

I found your work back in June 2024, after my ex-girlfriend had broken up with me. I truly appreciate your videos and explanations when it comes to life and relationships with people. Not sure how we did it, but she invited me on a date of our first reunion last night October 2024. The date was 5 p.m. I let her explain her feelings and asked her to explain to me what behavior patterns I showed in the past that caused her to walk away.

Well, if she dumped you, it’s probably because you were displaying a lot of unattractive behavior, and by reading the book, that should illuminate what you were doing wrong. Most of the time when you ask a woman to tell you what you did wrong, oftentimes she’s going to give you the politically correct answer, the answer that’s going to spare your feelings and not cause any drama or not get you upset. So it’s kind of pointless to ask that.

Plus, you haven’t seen each other in four months, and now all of a sudden you’re out on a first date and you’re going, “Hey, tell me about all the ways that I turned you off previously.” So she starts talking about it, and then you get into a discussion. What are you doing? You’re eliciting the same feelings in her when she was turned off by you. So now, instead of hanging out, having fun and hooking up and the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, you’re basically making her feel all the same feelings again that led to her dumping you.

Number one, you’re not going to get the unvarnished truth. Typically, you’re going to get a politically correct answer that spares your feelings and often is not really going to make any sense, because women typically don’t want to give you news that is going to be disconcerting. So they get the water down one. You’re not really going to get the truth. That’s why it’s better to understand from the book what you did wrong, and stop doing that and understand that you’re in a completely new date. You want her to feel good feelings and feelings of attraction for you, because whatever you cause a woman to feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So if you ask her right away to start telling you and explaining why she got turned off and dumped you the first time around, now you’re putting her right back in that state where she was unattracted and didn’t want to be with you. You’re eliciting those feelings in her again. It’s the opposite of what you’re trying to get her to do.

You want her to find a more confident, fun, playful, easygoing version of you that is only displaying attractive behavior. That means you’re sure of yourself and sure of what you’re doing. Asking her to explain to you why you got dumped communicates that you don’t understand what you did wrong, and you don’t understand how you were attractive the last time around. If you’ve improved yourself and you filled in your knowledge gap with my book, then you know what you did wrong, you don’t need to ask and you don’t want to remind her of all the ways that you turned her off in the past because again, those are going to elicit negative feelings, and you’re trying to re-attract her, not cause her to feel all the negative feelings that she felt that led to her dumping you the first time. There’s a method to my madness. Again, I’ve been doing this for 20 years at this point.

I listened (Did not defend the past) and I said, “Thanks for sharing how you feel and felt. For future reference, this would have been nice to know, ha! But I have and will continue to work on my understanding and unattractive behaviors.”

Well again, asking a woman to give you advice on how to not be unattractive is a bad way to go. You’re putting her in a position of being the leader and being your mommy. She doesn’t want to be your mommy. She doesn’t want to teach you how to be a man. Women just wants us to get it, and you can get it if you read the book and fill in your knowledge gap instead of asking her to teach you how to be a man, which is basically what you were doing. Also, she should have been coming to your house to make dinner together, but instead he’s driving over to pick her up. So I would assume he’s probably a cherry picker. He’s cherry picked some videos. I don’t know that he’s actually read the book at all or yet.

OK, I’m sorry. Down at the very bottom, he says he’s listened to 3% Man three times already. So if he’s listening to 3% Man three times already, and I assume he’s been through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, I don’t understand why he’s going to her. So it shows me he’s selectively cherry picking things to do and say that he feels comfortable with and the things that scare him or that he doesn’t trust. Yet he’s still not completely letting go of his unattractive behavior.

It’s hard when you’re emotionally invested to do the right thing, because a lot of the things that I teach do are going to be the opposite of what it feels like you should do, but when you take into account on how movies and TV shows brainwash us into becoming emotionally anchored to dysfunctional ways of acting that turn women off, then you start to understand. So in essence, he doesn’t really realize how much he’s been brainwashed, because some of the things that he’s learning, he’s dismissing, and basically he’s doing the same things that got him rejected the first time. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you’ve always got.

She explained she needs to work on herself as well.

When women say, “I need to work on myself,” that’s usually what they say. That’s their excuse for wanting space, time and distance from you. The reality is, the real reason why she wants space from you is you’ve turned her off and she’s unattracted to you, and she’s hopeful that having time and space will cause her feelings to bubble back up and start to slowly return, but that scares guys and then they want to try to force things and talk her into liking them again, which is just not going to happen. It’s not how it works. It’s not how attraction works.

I tried to hold hands a few times…

Again, the book says to let her touch you first, but he’s not doing that.

…Gave her a kiss on the cheek.

The book says kiss on the lips, not the cheek. If you kiss her on the cheek, it communicates you don’t have confidence. It also communicates platonic feelings. So these are things that are working against you. Again, this is spelled out in the book. Even though you’ve listened to it three times, you’re still doing the exact opposite of what the book teaches.

Around 7 p.m. (To soon)…

Duh!

Again, the kiss test is in the book. I mean, you’ve been through it three times and still, nothing’s really changed in your approach. The only thing that’s different is you spent four months apart. The idea is you want her to find a better, more confident version of you that has swagger, is more playful and more sure of himself, and all you are basically doing up until this point in the email is showing her that you’re the same exact guy. Nothing’s really changed about you. So what that means is if she continues to hang out with you, you will turn her off for exactly the same reasons that you turned her off the first time.

…We laughed, held hands a few times. At 9 p.m. my hand is on her leg, sitting at a local bar not far from her house and my house.

Again, this should have taken place at your house. You should have made dinner in the evening. That’s what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, and you’ll see a prime example of why you invite her to your place, because if you meet her out, you’re kind of meeting her on neutral ground. You’re doing it on her terms. If you invite a woman to your house in the evening to make dinner together, sex and romance are on the table. Women know that instinctively, and they’re not stupid. So when you don’t have the balls to do that, you’re basically acquiescing that you don’t have the balls to stand up for yourself and what you want and act in a romantic way.

Some old friends saw us there.

Again, this is another reason why. This is the first time they’ve seen or spoken to each other in four months, and now they’re out in public and she’s worried about PDA. In this particular case, you’ve got friends that know you and in her mind, she’s going to be thinking, “Oh my God, our friends saw us. They’re going to think we’re back together. I don’t want to have to explain myself. It’s just a date. I’m just seeing how I feel.” That’s the mindset that the woman is in, but again, this guy, even though he’s been through the book three times, nothing has changed in his behavior. He’s still doing it his way.

Again, I have not see her in over four months. I gave her space. Yes, I broke contact about once every 30-45 days. It’s not easy.

I know, but this is called emotional self control and you have to be more masculine than her. So part of the reason why it took four months to re-attract her and it didn’t happen sooner, is you kept breaking no contact.

Yes, I went out on a few other dates in between the four months with other girls, but she never blocked me. Yes, she was mean a few times.

Yeah, because you’re calling her when you should have just been letting her be. She had been asking for space. You kept chasing after her. It irritated her. She was mean because she didn’t respect you. Women can’t love a man that they don’t respect. You didn’t have the balls to walk away and let her be. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and you didn’t mean it. You didn’t have the balls to mean it and that’s why you’re kind of stuck straddling the fence here.

Yes, I brought all this up last night. She apologizes a few times.

Again, this is not what you should be talking about when you’re trying to re-attract her. All you’re doing is re-cementing back in her mind the reasons why she dumped you to begin with.

I said, “We are good.” She was like, “I’m still healing and learning what I want.”

So he’s like, “Alright, everything’s great between us,” and she’s like, “Well, I’m still healing and learning what I want.” In other words, “I’m trying to see if there’s another guy out there who actually his balls have actually dropped, unlike yours, and who acts like a man consistently because I don’t see any change in your behavior. You’re still the same beta male that I dumped four months ago.” That’s basically what she’s saying.

I know it’s not nice and you probably don’t want to hear it, but I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because your game sucks, nothing has changed, you’re doing exactly the same behavior that got you dumped the first time. On top of that, you’re just rehashing the past and why she dumped you, looking for her to explain it to you instead of recognizing what’s in the book, filling in your knowledge gap and acting accordingly. You read the book and basically dismissed everything you read and kept doing the same thing that you were doing, and it’s clearly not working for you.

I said, “Well, you’re doing something right because we are here.” At 10 p.m., I left the bar. On the way to her house, she invited me in…

Again, this is why you have her come to you. Instead, he goes to her house. I mean, this is all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I’m sure this guy’s got to be familiar with it because it’s referenced in the book, I talk about it all the time in videos. I know he’s cherry picking, but again, the book and the videos are not going to help you if you’re just going to read it and watch it and then continue doing the opposite.

…Her 17-year-old son was home with some friends.

So he got a house full of cock blockers. You want sex and romance and now she invites you in with all the cock blockers there.

I said, “Let’s talk upstairs.” She said, “Let’s talk outside.” We made out like crazy, teased her a lot, then I went home 11 p.m.!

Much love brother! P.S., I’m on the 3rd audio listen to 3% Man.

Bob

Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be calling her and I wouldn’t be texting her. Quite frankly, if you listen to what I said and done what the book taught and done with 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you probably would have been laying the pipe on your date. You probably would have been laying the pipe months ago, but you kept breaking no contact because you had no self-control.

The idea is what’s happening is you’re getting in the way, your neediness and your desperate attention seeking and approval seeking is interrupting the process of her feelings growing for you again.The key thing here is what she said. “I’m still healing and learning what I want.” What that really means is, “I’m getting over our breakup, and I’m open to the possibility of finding somebody else that really turns me on, because all you’ve done and continue to do really kind of turns me off.” He’s like, “But she was kissing me.” Like, you gave up all the power. You went to her place. You didn’t follow what the book teaches. You didn’t follow what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back teaches. Yeah, you got some making out, but you got cock blocked. There is no reason why you shouldn’t have been laying the pipe on your date. That’s on you because you didn’t listen.

All I can do is suggest that it’s your life. You do what you want. The way you’re behaving is getting in the way of attracting her back and getting her to fall in love and wanting to be in a relationship. Again, I’ve been doing this for 20 years. I learned all this shit the hard way. If you want to relearn it the hard way and make all the mistakes and chase this girl out of your life again, so you’re stinging from rejection, if you don’t clean this behavior up, she’ll reject you again for the same exact reasons. Then when the next girl comes along that you really like, guess what? You’ll turn her off in the same exact way. That’s just a fact of life, dude. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got.

Read the book. Actually apply it. Don’t do the opposite of it, unless you like the results. Instead of waking up with her naked in your arms, you went over to her house. So what do you think happened? Her son saw the two of you together, and he’s like, “Hey mom, what’s up with you and Bob? Are you guys back together? Are you getting back together? Did you have fun on your date?” These are all questions that, quite frankly, “Oh, I don’t know. Remember, I’m still healing and learning what I want. We went out on a date and we had a nice time.” “Are you going to get back together?” “I don’t know. I’m still healing and learning what I want.”

You got to pay attention to that dude. This guy is only focused on his interest in her, and he’s ignoring all the roadblocks she’s thrown up in his way. If he’d have followed what I was teaching, he’d have been laying the pipe. It doesn’t mean he can’t get back to that place. It just means the timeline has got gotten expanded, and he’s drawing it out. It’s taking way longer than it needs to be because again, all he basically could do, he could hold out for 30 days and then he couldn’t take it, then he would reach back out and she’d be nasty to him because he’s being a bitch. Simple as that. He’s too much of a pussy to walk away and then let her do the reaching out. I know I’m harsh, but I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because you need to correct this behavior because if you don’t, what I see here, nothing’s changed in your behavior. So you’ll turn her off for exactly the same reasons if you’re not able to slow your roll.

The idea is you’re trying to go slower than she is, and instead you’re like making a mad dash to get back together again and let her make all the decisions, you’re picking her up. Again, this is the opposite of what I teach when you’re trying to get a girl back. It’s your life. if you’re happy with the results you’re getting, I mean, just think about all the time you wasted over the last four months staying up late at night thinking about this girl, you hold out for 30 days, you reach out to her and she’s nasty to you, doesn’t even seem grateful that you reached out. So you go another 30 days worth of no contact. Then eventually, at some point, they end up back on a date, but it’s pretty clear he’s seeking her attention and approval, and she’s kind of keeping him at arm’s length. That’s why she invited him over, because she knew her son was home with his friends. That’s why when he said, “Hey, let’s go upstairs and talk,” what do you think is going to happen? She goes upstairs with Bob, then the son and the friends are going to be like, “Oh, your mom is getting some!” “Did you sleep with him, mom?” She didn’t want to answer those kinds of questions. That’s why she said, “Let’s talk outside.”

If you did invite her over to your place to make dinner together, you could have hooked up, you could have bumped uglies, then she would have gone home with a smile on her face and she could have told her son whatever she wanted to tell him without telling him too much, so he wouldn’t give her a hard time about it, but you did what you did. I wouldn’t have done it this way, but there’s still a chance. I would just wait to hear from her. Then when you do, invite her over to make dinner at your place and make sure she comes over the next three dates. As long as you hook up all three dates, then you can meet her out and pick her up. You got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.