No Contact Worked, But I Didn’t Set A Date. What Now?

What you could do if you failed to set a date after no contact worked.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 36-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about three years and has read 3% Man countless times. However, he says he struggles with emotional self control. He got dumped after about a month of dating a girl he always liked when she became single, but he acted needy and unattractive and got dumped.

She came back after no contact, but he didn’t set a date. He asks what he can do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 36-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about three years, and he claims to have read 3% Man countless times, so we’ll take him at his word. However, he says he struggles with emotional self control. That’s the hard part. It’s one thing to read the book countless times, but where you really learn to master it obviously is gaining experience because repetition is the mother of skill and it is the hardest to maintain self control when you’re really into the girl. When you really love her, you’re really infatuated with her, all of your insecurities, your fears, your doubts, you’re going to have to deal with them. If you haven’t had enough practice with what’s in the book and a unicorn comes along, the type of woman that you think is the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, you’re going to be fearful. You may lose her because now there’s downside risk because you really care. Whereas in the past if you dated somebody that you weren’t that into, it’s pretty easy to do more things right than wrong, but when you’re really into her, you’re going to second guess yourself. You’re going to get messed up by the illusion of action, trying to call and text too much and try to force things. So it’s great to understand the book, but it’s a lot harder to apply when you’re with somebody that knocks your socks off. That’s why, as Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation there is sure to be failure.”

So this guy got dumped, I guess he was kind of friend-zoned or he knew this girl for a long time, but she always had a boyfriend. I mean these these are kind of situations that are going to happen. You’re going to meet a girl, you’re going to have chemistry, maybe you work together or she’s part of your friend group, or she’s one of your neighbors, but she’s got a boyfriend. There’s nothing you can do in that case. Sometimes she’s with that guy that you think is a chump for years, but then all of a sudden, she gets freed up and now you got your shot. So it’s kind of what happened to this guy. After about a month of dating, he says he acted needy and unattractive and basically got dumped. He went into no-contact, but then she came back, she broke no contact, but he didn’t try to set a date, so he’s kind of asking, “What do I do now?”

It’s a good email because I’d say 70%, 80% of the guys come to me. This is the kind of situation that they’re in that they’re trying to course correct from. Usually it’s after they’ve already been dumped, but it also happens a lot when guys first come to me, they’re about to get dumped and they’re trying to course correct. So they’re kind of in a flat spin heading towards the ground about to crash and burn. Sometimes you got to crash and burn because in that time of being in no contact, you’re able to read the book, maybe start dating some other ladies, start building a practice squad and then if the ex or the girl you were dating that you were hoping to become your girlfriend starts reaching out again, it’ll be easier to do more things right than wrong. If you got some other choices and options, as the old saying goes: “One is no choice, two is a dilemma and three is a proper choice.”

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

I’m a 36-year-old follower of yours for about last three years now. I have read your book countless times and watched hundreds of your videos. Recently while I was seeing this girl, I was able to consume your book three times per week.

Well, that’s somebody that’s typically a serious student, because usually he’s in pain and he’s thinking, “Oh shit, I got to get this girl back. I’ve been waiting to date this girl for years. She finally gets freed up and now I chase her out of my life.” Most guys get about three or four weeks in these cases before things start going squirrelly, which I’ve talked numerous times in the podcast with the girls, especially on the 3% Man Study Group podcast, because the cycle tends to be that most guys will get three to four weeks before and the girls are really into them at first, and then they start going, “Ahh, something doesn’t feel right,” because the guy starts acting needy, lacking confidence. He just completely starts to fall apart as soon as his emotions become engaged. Then from there, you got about three or four weeks, then you’re done. Sometimes sooner. Sometimes it happens in 30 days, but most guys get about three or four weeks, and that’s like 97% of the dudes. When that happens, it’s usually within the coming weeks after that that the girl just gets to the point where she’s certain she doesn’t want to date him anymore, or she feels like she’s certain she doesn’t want to date him anymore, but obviously, if you’re reading the book and you’re applying what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, her interest will start creeping back up on her.

While I know your teachings very well logically, I struggle to change my emotional muscle. When I am into a girl, I cannot get rid of my needy vibes. My parents were emotional zombies like yours. 

I mean, it took me a year and a half with my girlfriend that had the daughter to really get it. When I wrote about it in my book and it was just like, back and forth. She’d be hot and heavy and I’d pursue too much, sometimes I didn’t pursue enough, and it was just back and forth, back and forth between her being really into me and going, “I just think of you as a friend,” and then I would back off. She would come back, she’d get turned on again and then after a couple more weeks, I’d turn her back off. It was just back and forth. You got to learn that sweet spot between pursuing too much and not enough, and you just have to get enough experience to see her back away, to feel her back away, to be OK with that and then you do nothing.

Sometimes you go days, sometimes weeks without hearing from her. Then she starts to come back. Then once she comes back enough, whether it’s just with her or with several other girls you’re dating, over time you start to realize, “Wow, they really are like cats,” and when you start to notice that and connect those dots, then it becomes much easier to hang back. Even though you might be going crazy on the inside feeling like you got to do something to fix it, you just have to let women be so they can come to you at their pace and not freak out when they get a little turned off, or you spend a lot of time together and it seems like they’re less interested or less excited. It’s just a natural process to how they operate. Really doesn’t have much to do with you. It’s just how women are.

The key in dealing with it is not to freak out when they back off and start chasing her, because then you chase her out of your life and oftentimes into the arms of another guy. Especially if you start dating a girl that had an ex that she was with for a long time and she dumped him, and he’s been trying to come back and she spent all this time with you, starts to miss him and then you start acting unattractive. Then she starts to pull away. You start to chase more and then you literally chase her back into the arms of her ex-boyfriend.

I was friends for five years with a girl I was always into. I already tried with her in 2020 and got rejected, so I never tried again, but we stayed in close touch. In September this year, she broke up with her boyfriend of six years…

It’s 2025. So that tells me that she was with this guy since 2019. So maybe a year in of dating he was trying to date her or, I don’t know, maybe he didn’t know she had a boyfriend, but he chose to shoot his shot and got rejected. He always liked her, but it took six years before she finally broke up with the guy.

…And two months later told me that she was always into me as well.

So if she rejected him, well that’s a good sign because that means that she was actually being loyal to her boyfriend. Even though she was into him, she’s like, “I can’t act upon these feelings,” because she made a commitment and she honored the commitment. That’s a good sign.

We went all in that evening, at the end of which she told me that she needs time to process what happened. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to start something new. I told her, “Take all the time you need,” and stopped contacting her.

There was also another guy who tried to “Win her over,” but she didn’t know him as long as she did me. A week later, she contacted me and we met.

So you see how it is. She’s like, “Oh, I’m unsure.” I would be like, “Hey, take all the time you need and then reach back out.” That’s indifference. It shows you’re calm, you’re cool, you’re collected, because masculinity is calm after all. You are the rock. You are the mountain. The mountain doesn’t chase the wind. The mountain is just there.

So she says, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m trying to process this.” “Hey, no problem. Take whatever time you need and then reach out. I’d love to see you.” Just leave it at that. Shows you can take it or leave it. You’re not freaked out. That’s the right response. So good job on that. That’s emotional self control, but at that point in the timeline that’s right in the beginning, after he dates her for a few weeks and hooks up and gets a taste of the persona again. As the girls have confirmed many times in the 3% Man podcast is that guys that are great at the shoot last about three to four weeks typically before they start going, “Ahh, I’m not really feeling it,” or “That just really turned me off what that guy did.” Then usually three or four weeks after that, it’s completely done. So you got about a 60-day cycle on the average 97% or before he completely blows it.

She told me that she will try with him instead of me. I was seeing many girls during the time we’ve known each other and she told me she’s afraid I’m a player and is not sure if she can trust me. I responded that I won’t accept the friend zone again and in that case we’ll have to part our ways. As I was leaving she was clearly upset and asked me to stay longer, so we hooked up again – Now the other dude was out of the picture. 

So he showed her in that moment that he could take it or leave it. If you’re not an absolute, “Hell yeah!” He’s like, “See you later. Call me if you change your mind,” and she’s like, “But wait, don’t go!” That’s how it works. When they see that you can do without it, it’s like it really turns them on. It’s just the way they’re wired, because the reality is, women have to know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. So she’s pushing you too far by basically trying to friend zone you and you’re like, “Yeah, I don’t think so. I’m not down with that, but see you later. We’re parting ways.” She’s like, “No!” It turns her on, and what happens? She fucks him.

We’ve been seeing each other for more than a month. In the beginning she was very into me and sex was great, one or two happy finishes for her each evening.

That was very generous of you.

While she was hot and cold I was telling her that I will allow her to come to me at her pace…

You don’t have to regurgitate things like that from the book, dude.

…For which she was very grateful and told me that she has never seen a guy who was this calm and understanding of her changing emotions.

Yeah, feminine energy is chaos. That’s just the way they are. If you don’t like it, well then you can get a sex change or you can date dudes. Women are just emotional and they’re all over the ice. They don’t make sense. It’s just based on their emotions and they change like the weather. You can’t get battered or perturbed by it, even though it pisses a lot of guys off when they first understand that and they wish it was different. The reason they wish it was different is because they don’t like having to deal with the way it makes them feel. When the girl don’t know what’s going on.

This is the beginning. She’s not your girlfriend. She’s not your wife. She just got out of a six-year relationship. So you have to assume the ex is in the background. She’ll be hot and cold. If you’re going to get involved with women like this, again it’s in the book. This is the road you’re going to have to go on. It’s not like she was single for two years and occasionally dating here and there. She was with another guy for six fucking years, so she’s going to miss him, she’s going to be hot and cold, just like somebody that just split up with their husband or split up with their boyfriend or just moved out. It’s still raw. If you’re going to date them, you have to understand that’s just a situation. Life is messy. Relationships are messy.

She was doing 100% of contact (Once every 2-3 days) and I was only setting up dates.

Well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

In one conversation when asked, I told her that I don’t want her to be afraid of hurting my feelings if it won’t work out, as I have other things in life to pursue: A son that I love dearly, a job that I like and a passion, which is composing music. As I mentioned, she also knows that I am confident in approaching other women. 

Well, the idea is not to rub other women in her face and say, “Oh, I can get other bitches. I can replace you.” It’s not helpful. Usually when guys are acting that way or talking that way, it’s trying to protect their ego, and it’s just not going to be helpful to rub another woman in their face. It should just be something that’s self-evident. You don’t have to tell her, but she will just kind of know that you’ll find somebody else if she’s gonna let you go or not pull you close enough.

The place where I am afraid I’ve messed up is that during our meetings I was more touchy-feely, wanted to hug her, kiss her and have sex more than she wanted.

Well, that’s not what the book teaches. You got to let women come to you at their pace. Therefore, it’s always their idea, you’re talking, you’re texting, your physical touch. All of it. The way the book is designed is for you to be a little distant longer, for you to be a little mysterious, a little longer to the point where she can’t take it and she starts touching you, calling you or reaching out to you because women are the natural pursuers, even though society will tell you the opposite.

Most women, when you ask them the question, they’ll say, “Oh yeah, I want the guy to pursue me.” When you over-pursue her, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. The guys that they’re crazy about are the guys that are always chasing. Those are the guys that turn them on the most, and we noticed this guy has a problem with emotional self control, and he tends to pursue too much when he gets really excited and overeager, because the reality is he’s had a fantasy about this girl for six years, and now he finally gets his chance. You can imagine how overwhelming that is to a guy emotionally. In other words, he’s got his dream girl actually in his life instead of always seeing her with another guy, and until you’ve been with a woman that makes you feel that enough to see her come and go, and then to get in a relationship and date for several years, you just haven’t had enough time with a bad bitch.

You got to overcome your insecurities, your fears, your doubts. The only way to do that is seeing her respond the way that I teach in the book and just always continue to come back no matter what. As long as you’re acting attractive, if she seems like sometimes she’s not as into you because maybe you just spent a three-day weekend together, you’re not bothered, you’re not perturbed at all, you’re actually kind of glad that you’re not hearing from her because girls are annoying. They just are. We love them, but they’re fucking annoying. When they love you, they want your attention all the fucking time, which is really annoying. Guys that have this experience, it’s nice when our girl wants to go away, go visit her parents, hang out with her girlfriends or whatever, or do something without us, you’re like, “Ahh, I have peace again,” because feminine energy is chaos, but in a good way.

While in speech I was confident and playful, my actions showed neediness. Her attraction was up and down, but slowly declining and eventually when she visited me on New Year’s Eve she broke it off. She was distant, initiated no hugging, or kissing. She told me that she can’t see a future for us right now, nor does she feel the need to contact me. She claims…

Again, these are words. We only look at actions.

…That she feels blocked and cannot feel anything to anyone right now (Including the other guy).

This is an intellectual circle-jerk that she’s going through because again, the viewer who sent the email in is really struggling with exercising self-control and holding back and not over pursuing. Like in this case, he can’t stop touching her. He just comes off as needy. He doesn’t act masculine anymore. He has six years of where he kept her at arm’s length. Then as soon as she was freed up, the first few weeks, she was all over him, but as soon as she got a whiff that he was way more into her than she was into him, she backed off and he couldn’t handle it the first time. It happens when you’re with your dream woman. It’s hard. I mean, you guys have read the book, it was fucking hell. I didn’t have Coach Corey Wayne in the internet to help me with it.

I was playful most of the evening, but occasionally my disappointment was visible.

So you communicated in your body language and your expressions that you were butt-hurt and perturbed, which is the opposite of being confident, indifferent and stoic.

At one point, she told me that I have sad eyes.

It was all over your face.

Unfortunately, she was more stoic. She said that I seem to be more into her than she is into me. 

There you go! Women like you more if they’re way more into you than you are into them, because then they’ll work extra hard to try to get you to like them more. It’s the way it’s supposed to be, because then the girl’s got to work to get our attention, to keep us interested, to keep us attracted and turned on.

We spent the entire night anyway. She cooked dinner for me, we had sex two times, one of which she initiated, happy finishes for both of us.

Congratulations again!

Later we watched a movie and she was hugging me again. In the morning she told me that nothing changed, and she will contact me if it will. I suggested that we spend the whole day together proposing some fun activities, but she had come back home around 2 p.m. We went for a walk and she was taking pictures of me, and then we came back to my place. Luckily, I was the one who ended the meeting earlier. I wanted to be the one who said “Goodbye.” She was about to leave, but  suggested we have one last smoke at the window. She asked me about my plans, so I said I will focus on my job and passion, relationship with my son and the right girl will come at the right time.

Yeah, so he’s outcome focused. “What are you going to do? Well, I’m looking for the right girl.”

She responded that she’s sure she will.

In other words, a girl like that will come along.

When she was leaving I smiled and said, “You’ll be back,” to which she smiled as well and left. I intend to not contact her ever again. 

It’s fucking great. “You’ll be back.”

By the way, I have subscribed to your Exclusive Members Only Content in August last year and I am not leaving.

Well, thanks for sticking around!

So he sent an update a couple of days later after that. I think it was like two or three days later she reached out again. If that happens, because remember she says, “Well, that’s it, I’m done,” and he’s like, “You’ll be back.” So two or three days later, she reaches out, as the book says, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, what do you do? You make the next date, but I don’t think he really did that.

Short Update:

She contacted me yesterday while I was in my car telling me there is one more thing she wanted to tell me.

“You miss my sexy body?”

I told her that I’ll call her up when I’m back home, but then I wrecked my car on an icy road, sent her a picture of it and told her that I’ll get back to her as soon as I can. She was worried and asked if she should come for me.

She cares. She definitely cares.

When I called her, she asked me what happened, so I calmly and playfully explained the situation and then asked about what it is that she wants to talk about. She said, “I wanted to let you know that you can always contact me to tell me what is happening with your lawsuits regarding your son (I’m fighting in courts with my ex for alimony and my rights to see him)…

That sucks, dude.

…And if you’ll be seeing other girls, you can always come and I’ll give you beauty treatment for your face.”

“How about a fur burger for the rug muncher, babe?”

I responded as sweet as I could, “Babe, I really appreciate that you’re concerned with my situation, I really do, but I told you that I want you to contact me only if you change your mind regarding us, so I will not be contacting you, but you can always find out what is happening with me through our mutual friend.”

Well, you fucked up there. When she reached out and she’s all concerned, “Oh, should I come to you?” I would be like, “Yeah, I think I need a massage. I think you need to massage me all over. I’m really kind of stiff. My neck’s a little sore. You know, some TLC would be great. So why don’t you get your cute little ass over here and come see me?” That’s what you should have done. Instead, he got all, “I got to give her a lecture.”

“You know I want you all and will not accept anything less, so when you’ll make up your mind and realize that you want to continue what we left, then give me a call and I’ll gladly invite you over to my place. Nothing happened to me in the accident, so I’ll be the same handsome man I am.” She seemed saddened and responded, “OK, I know everything now,” and we said goodbye. I was very confident about this yesterday, but now with her radio silence, the fear creeps back in me again.

Any advice, dear Coach?

Thank you. Best Regards,

Bob 

Well, be congruent with your words. You had an opportunity just to invite her over. I mean, she even offered to come over. Again, your job is just to create the opportunity for sex to happen. The last time you saw her, she’s like, “Oh, I don’t think my feelings will change.” Then that lasted a whole two days, I think it was. Then she reached right back out, but he didn’t set the date. So that’s where you kind of fucked up and you gave her a lecture, but you reiterated once again what you wanted, which is basically that you wanted a relationship.

So in this particular case, that’s the whole purpose of going no-contact is so she reaches back out. Well, she reached back out and then you didn’t set the date, but it’s not the end of the world. If she reached out only two days after the last time you heard from her when she was claiming that she’s riding off into the sunset, well just like you said when she left, “You’ll be back.” So I just wait to hear from her. When she does reach out, just make the fucking date. You don’t need all this texting and blah, blah, blah, running your mouth. Just make the date happen. The phone is for setting dates. You tripped yourself up thinking you had to give her a lecture, but you ignored the fact that she reached out to you and she was concerned about you. She even wanted to come over and see you. If she wants to come over and see you, well she probably wanted the meat missile, but because of your fear and your doubt, you assumed that it wasn’t going to happen or it couldn’t have happened that fast. It’s only been two days.

Again, that’s why you look at what a woman does, not what she says. She said she was out and you said, “You’ll be back.” Two days later she reached back out, but you didn’t set the date. Again, that was a mistake, but I would assume she’ll probably reach back out again in the near future. When she does, “Hey, you! Obviously you’re missing me and I miss you too. I want to see you. When are you available?” Then make the date to make dinner at your place in the evening. Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she’s like, “Oh, this is not going to work. It’s just one last time, one last fling,” It’s like, “Whatever, you’ll be back this weekend. Like I don’t know why you torture yourself trying to stay away from me on purpose, but if that’s what you need, that’s cool with me. Just call me when you miss me terribly and I will beat up your pelvis properly once again, my lady.” That’s all you got to do, my man. It’s the easy situation to fix. I assume she’ll probably be back in a few days or a week or so. Just make the next date. It’s pretty simple, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.