No Contact Worked! She’s Back, Said Her & Her Ex Were Finally Over, But She’s Distant

What to do after no contact works & she says her & her ex are over, but she’s distant.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is recently out of a 15 year marriage. A few months later he met a girl who was coming out of a one year relationship five weeks before they met. She has bounced back and forth between him and her ex.

After three months of no contact she’s back, says her and her ex are over, but she’s still distant and he doesn’t know what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, let’s see what we can see here.

This particular email is from a viewer who was recently out of a 15-year marriage. That’s quite a long time. A few months later, after he split up with his now ex-wife, he met a girl and she was coming out of a one-year relationship about five weeks before they met, so she’s kind of bounced back and forth between him and her ex, and then she finally dipped on him. Like the email that I did today, that was for everybody, “Why You Shouldn’t Focus On Making Her Your Girlfriend.” That guy had a similar situation. This guy’s kind of done the same thing, but in this case, the woman bounced from him, went no contact, went back to the ex because it was so new. Then this guy was obviously devastated because he had the rejection of the marriage breaking up. Then he started dating what he thought was going to be a great new girl, and probably was thinking she was going to be his girlfriend. Then she went back to the ex, but he went into no contact, doing the right thing, and three months later she’s reached out. However, she’s kind of hot and cold or a little distant, and he’s like, “What the hell do I do?”

So in these situations, you have to let women come to you at their pace. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Also remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Especially when you’re dealing with a girl that’s right out of a breakup. I mean, I discussed this in the book. You got to understand that 75% of the time usually it’s the woman doing the breaking up. If you’re pressuring a woman, pursuing her, chasing her, pedestalizing her, being too nice, trying to lock her down to a commitment before she’s ready, being focused on boyfriend/girlfriend, which is feminine energy and acting like a chick, you’re going to chase the girl out of your life.

Now the other guy, the other video newsletter I was talking about, he hasn’t done that yet, but he’s on the verge of chasing her out of his life and back into the arms of the ex, and this guy actually did that. So now she’s coming back, but he’s expecting her just to pick right up where they were, because he’s still focused on his interest in her and his feelings and completely ignoring where she’s at. You got to meet people where they are, especially women. It’s better if they think that they like you more than you like them. This email is a prime example of why, because it blew up in his face. He didn’t let her come to him at his pace, but I think he’s new to my work, so he really didn’t know.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m recently out of a 15-year marriage and was obviously gutted.

I assume he’s from the UK. “I’m gutted!”

A few months later, I met a girl and we hit it off. She came out of a one-year relationship, five weeks before we met. We ere both rebounding, just at different stages. We hooked up for over a week and had the best sex. Suddenly though, she became distant and I knew something was up.

Well, women are like cats. If you’re dating somebody that’s out of a year relationship only a few weeks in, you have to assume, especially when you spend a lot of time together, like hooking up for a week, every day or whatever. It feels great, and all of a sudden you notice by the end of the week, it’s almost like she’s bored and looking at her watch, “Look at the time. I got errands to do. I got so much to catch up. Work’s crazy,” and all of a sudden she seems busy, guys misinterpret this and think, “Oh, she doesn’t like me. There’s something I got to fix here,” but in reality, you should expect this behavior. You should expect, especially when you just meet and you spend a whole week together that of course she’s going to get get kind of cold and distant by the end of that, because she went from being in a relationship with somebody else to spending a whole week with you, and it feels like now she’s in a relationship with you.

Remember, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So what’s happening is she starts to feel smothered, she doesn’t feel free and so she’s going to back off. That is to be expected. You just got to let her go when that happens and not get butt-hurt or upset about it. It’s just a natural part of the process. Women are just like that. Part of it is learning to master the art of indifference, being able to take it or leave it, being OK if she’s with you, but also being OK if she’s not with you and a little distant. You don’t take it personally. You just understand that women are emotional and their emotions fluctuate. One day she might be super hot and into you. The day after that, maybe she got a text or saw something on social media about the ex that upset her, and then she might be a little distant, so you can’t get bothered by that.

You have to let women come to you at their pace. Always pay attention to her level of interest, her level of effort and the attraction table that is discussed in the book, the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers. Learning those things so you can spot the behavior and you can get an accurate reflection of how she’s feeling about you in the moment, so you can better know when to move forward, when to back off, let her be and give her the space that she’s going to need before she gets to the point where she feels smothered to where she actually has to say, “I need space.” You notice that she’s a little distant, like you spend a whole week together, and when she leaves at the end of that week, or you part ways, it almost seems like she can’t wait to get away. Almost like she’s bored. Don’t take it personal. Just have the attitude of she’ll be back. Just like cats. Cats do the same exact thing. They spend a little bit of time with you, and then they kind of disappear. Don’t take it personally. It’s about as productive getting upset at women when they behave this way as it is. Being upset at the weather doesn’t match the weather report. It’s like, how often does that happen? How often is the weather report accurate? Not very accurate at all. Women are the same way. They’re unpredictable. As a man, you should be unperturbed by that. You can’t be bothered. You can’t let it get under your skin.

Long story short, her ex came back on the scene and she sent me a long, “I’m so confused and just need to step back,” message. Contact ended and I didn’t hear from her for over a week. Looking back, I realized I over-invested in my emotions because of the rebound and she was the first person I really liked in years.

Yeah, so it’s not the end of the world. That just means, “Hey, back off.” When she sends you something like that say, “Hey, no problem. Well, when you feel better or you want to talk or you miss me terribly, get in touch. I’d love to see you,” and then just let her be. Give her the space and the time to follow through on that or to flake out and disappear from your life forever, because there is a good chance that she might go back to the ex just because he had a year with her, and you only had a few weeks at this point, or a week I should say, at this point. So he’s got all the leverage and you have none. You’re going to lose in that situation, especially if you chase, you pursue and you don’t let her be. Which, as you’ll see, he couldn’t hold back when she came back.

One thing I unknowingly did right was not pursue her and the following week, she got in touch as her ex had left again. We hooked up for a while but it was different. Before, it felt like she was genuinely trying to move on, and we had fun together and going on dates, but now he was back, I got a different version of her.

Again, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To have them hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s not to lock her down to a commitment. It’s not to become her boyfriend. It’s to be her fun, passionate, romantic and very sexual escape from the grief, the disappointment and the sadness over her breakup. Whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you.

Think about it from this perspective: If every time she sees you and talks to you, you’re happy, you’re upbeat, you’re having a good time when you’re together in person, she feels free to come and go, you’re having fun, no strings attached, you don’t have to say this you just behave this way, you have a non-attached and different vibe about you, you fuck her brains out, give her lots of orgasms and happy finishes, then she gets a little cold and distant, which is to be expected, don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just her process.

This is how women are. They all behave this way to a degree, but when you’re dating somebody that is fresh out of a breakup, they’re going to be hot and cold. There’s a good chance they’ll go back to the ex, and you just got to let her come and go, “Hey, take all the time you need.” If she’s like, “Oh, I need space,” or “We spent a lot of time together. This is kind of overwhelming,” I’d be like, “Hey, no problem babe. If you miss me terribly, get in touch. I’d love to see you,” and just leave it at that. Then a couple of days or a week or so go by and she’ll reach back out and you’ll notice that her enthusiasm has returned and it really didn’t have anything to do with you. What you did do properly is you let her go. You loved her in such a way that she felt free. Therefore, just like the kitty cat, it came back. That’s the way they are. I didn’t make them this way, but this is the way they are. So you got to treat them appropriately, because if you smother her and you chase after her, you’ll chase her back into the arms of the ex.

She would only call me when she was drunk and/or upset, and the sex severely dwindled. I was being the gentleman I thought all women wanted, and unknowingly became her emotional, friend-zoned tampon.

Well, it tells me he probably started talking on the phone and tried to be there for her and listen and help her instead of just creating the next opportunity for sex to happen. If she wants to talk about things with her ex or whatever she’s feeling, she wants to bring that up, she can bring that up on the date in person. Don’t get into the habit of being on the phone and listening to her, because then what you’ll notice, like this guy did, was he’ll spend a couple hours on the phone with her, but yet, “Oh, I’m not ready to get together in person. I hope you understand, but I really appreciate you being there for me.” It’s OK to listen to her as long as you’re together in person. You sell people in person, not over the phone.

I didn’t know any better but hung around because the sex was fantastic and made myself available at the drop of a hat. Shorty afterwards, I got ditched again. That was three months ago.

Well, if you act too dopey, you pedestalize a girl, you start treating her like a girlfriend, you’re too serious too soon, and you blow off the other girls that you may be seeing or talking to, then she can feel that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. More than likely, if she disappeared for three months, then what that means is she got back together with the ex. That’s what happened. There’s nothing you can do. That’s to be expected.

Oftentimes that does happen. That’s why it’s better not to burn a bridge. If it didn’t work out the first time or the third time, however many times they got together and broke up, when she breaks up again, as long as you’re cool, you didn’t pressure her, you loved her in such a way that she felt free, and then she dipped like, “Hey, if it doesn’t work out, get in touch. I’d love to see you,” you’ll be the first person that she contacts, and then you’ll be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You’ll invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up. “Hey, how you been?” “Oh well, I got back together with my ex, and it ultimately didn’t work out.” I’d be like, “Cool! Well, I’m glad you’re here. You look cute. Why don’t you come over here? Your lips look a little dry. Let me moisten them up for you.”

After a few weeks of moping around, I found your work and concentrated on myself, working out and keeping busy. I read your book, I’m on the fourth go and it has seriously helped my dating game, resulting in a string of successful dates, so thank you!

Out of the blue…

I’m shocked! No contact worked, obviously.

…She got in touch last week saying she and her ex were over and wanted to talk.

So that doesn’t mean, “OK, now it’s time for a relationship,” it just means create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Don’t talk on the phone. Invite her over to make dinner, say, “I love to see you. That’d be wonderful. Let’s make dinner together. When are you free?” Invite her over. She comes over. You don’t have to say, “So what do you want to talk about?” Just like, “Hey, how you been?” If she wants to bring up what happened, she’ll bring it up, and you’re looking for signs that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced. When you see those that are laid out in the book, then seduce her. Very simple. She wants to talk about the ex, she can do it. Make sure it’s in person. Don’t be doing this over the phone. Don’t become her emotional tampon over the phone. It’s a bad way to go.

She was drunk and emotional and we ended up having sex.

Shocked! Very shocked!

We planned to catch up during the week however, the next day she seemed distant again.

That’s to be expected.

I asked about the planned date, and she was a bit wishy-washy, so I cancelled and said get in touch when it suits her better. I feel it’s picked up right where it left off and I’m just filling that void.

So he’s taking this shit personally. You got to understand dude, she’s right out of a relationship. This is to be expected. You are supposed to be the fun, sexy time escape. All relationships come from casual hanging out and having fun together, and then when the signs are there that she’s open to being seduced, you seduce her, you hook up. Pretty simple.

So she gets a little cold the next day. It’s like whatever, “Call me later,” and let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, because in this situation here, it’s counterproductive for you to continue pursuing her. What guys do most of the time that’s wrong in these situations is they come back and then they start calling once or twice a week to get her out on more dates, because usually they’re driven by fear and they’re trying to lock her down, whereas she dipped the first time because he kept pursuing. Plus, she went back to the guy, but now that she’s back, you have to let her come to you at her pace. If she reaches out, assume she’s missing you and ready to see you. Just make the next date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Let her be the one to lock you down to a commitment. When you just focus on creating the opportunity for sex to happen, it takes all the pressure off yourself. It takes away all the worry and all the fear.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you are always trying to lock her down previously, now when you hear from her, you make a date, it ends in lots of happy finishes for her and you, that’s what you want, because every time she’s around you, she feels good. She feels free to come and go. No pressure. That’s the way it should be. Then as she starts to fall in love and emotionally bond, then it will become harder and harder for the ex to have any kind of pull over her. Then when she falls in love, it’s the other guy is donsies. She’ll be the one trying to lock you down to a commitment and trying to get you to commit to her, which is natural, it’s innate. It’s supposed to be that way. That’s why it feels so good and natural when you let women do this, when you let them lock you down.

I’ve given her more leeway than I should…

Again dude, controlling a woman is stupid. You’re trying to shoehorn yourself into her life and you’re taking her distance personally. You’ve just got to let her go through her process, dude. You’re acting like a guy that doesn’t believe he’s a catch, so you tend to take the rejection personally, or you tend to take her being distant personally. Whereas it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she’s feeling.

…As I actually like the girl and…

We know you like the girl. You wrote a fucking email.

…I know her emotions are messed up.

This is natural, normal and to be expected. Your problem is you’re trying to pressure her and you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment because your game kind of sucks and you’re not experienced in these matters. So it’s good that you’re reading the book and you’re filling in your knowledge gaps. but you cannot pressure women, especially women fresh out of a breakup.

I don’t just want to be the drunken, “Pick-me-up” booty call and know I need to be indifferent towards the situation, but this chick has a hold over me.

In other words, what you’re telling me is that you can’t handle being with a beautiful woman. You got her on a pedestal and you’re kissing her ass, and all of your fears, your insecurities and your doubts about yourself are coming out and you’re having a hard time dealing with them. So you’re going to have to punch through that wall of fear. It’s something that’s going to happen between your own ears and your own heart. It’s not something that really has anything to do with her. You must let her come to you at her pace.

In this case, you’re going to be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and you’re going to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. When you hear from her, you just make the next date. That’s it. If you do that, if you actually have the balls to do that, you’ll notice as the weeks go by, she’ll call you more, she’ll text you more and you’ll start seeing her multiple times a week. Then eventually after a couple of months, she’ll go, “Where is this going?” Then you’ll realize, like the book says, “Oh, are you saying you want to be exclusive? Is that why you asked the question?” Remember, as the book says, whoever is asking the questions is the one that’s in charge of the conversation. So be the guy asking the questions and let her come to you at her pace is such an easy situation to fix. Stop trying to smother her. Stop trying to make her deal with your neediness, your insecurities, your doubts. Stop pedestalizing her. Stop seeking her approval and her attention. Just let her be. Let her come to you. Love her in such a way that she feels free when she reaches out. Be glad to hear from her. Happy to hear from her. Make the next date and then get off the phone. If she tells you she’s unsure or she needs space say, “Hey, no problem. I understand you’re just coming out of a breakup. Take all the time you need. When you miss me terribly and you miss my sexy body, get in touch with me. I’d love to see you,” and leave it at that.

Can you give me some advice on how I maintain my masculine, take back control of the situation and stop being a little bitch every time she needs a pick-me-up? I love your work and thanks for your time.

Bob

Well, you can’t chase and pursue a woman into loving you and wanting to be with you. You have to let women come to you at their pace, so it is their idea. Again, this is all laid out in the book on what you should do, but you’re having a hard time maintaining emotional self-control. You did great when you went into no contact. That’s the same vibe, the same attitude you need to have, is just let her be. Let her come to you. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. This is all laid out also in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Again, this is such an easy situation to fix. Let her come to you. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.