No Effort Means No Interest

Why women who make little to no effort have low to no romantic interest in you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a guy who divorced his wife in 2005 after he caught her cheating and got full custody of their son. She eventually married the guy she cheated on him with, but now they are separated. He is now trying to get her back, but she has him firmly stuck in friend zone.

The second email is from a guy who slept with a woman on two occasions at a mutual group of friends’ beach house weekends, but she ghosted him when he tried setting dates outside their beach house parties. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

You’re going to see going through these, people project their fantasy and they just completely ignore the reality of what’s going on.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m in a pretty screwed up situation with my ex-wife and I’d like your thoughts. We divorced in 2005, went through a pretty tough custody battle over my son. She cheated on me and I hired a PI who caught her on video.

Damn.

Long story short I was awarded custody.

I know there are some states where if somebody cheats, then that’s kind of the consequences of it. I don’t know which states in particular, I’m sure you guys will post it in the comments, but it’s pretty interesting.

In the years since, we have become friends again. She remarried the guy she cheated on me with and had a couple of kids. She has since separated from him, 7 years now, but they are still legally married.

So, she’s been separated for seven years. Interesting.

She and I have been spending a lot of time together since March, but with virtually no intimacy, even though we’ve spent the night together 4 times, (no sex, no kissing). I told her my feelings were back and I didn’t want to be only friends, but she says I hurt her, and she was still holding animosity towards me about taking our son from her.

I love her, but this has turned into a train wreck again. I want to work it out, but she only wants me to be around as a friend and her girls want me there because we’re all very close, they’re like daughters to me. I have a strong feeling what you’re going to say, but I’d like to hear it.

Thanks!

Bob

Well, here’s what I’ve got to say, my friend. Are you ready? She belongs to the streets! Come on, dude. Seriously, you got burned once and you think she’s undergone some kind of metamorphosis and she’s a person with integrity now? Plus, on top of that, you’re hanging out and it’s going nowhere. She likes the attention and validation, I’m sure. She probably likes the fact that you’re being a stepdad to her kids with another guy. But the reality is she’s making no effort.

You have this completely flipped around. If there was ever going to be a chance — and I personally would never give a woman like this a chance again — she burned you once, she’ll do it again. What’s the reason why she’s been separated from her second husband for seven years? Probably because she’s screwing around. It’s like, come on, man. Have some self-respect.

What do you think? It’ll end up in the same place that it ended up before. She doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy or exclusivity. If she was coming on to you and you wanted to hook up, great, but she ain’t girlfriend or wife material. It’s like, come on, dude. That is just delusional. If I were you, I would remove myself from the equation and be hanging out and dating other women that actually like you and actually make the effort.

You’re just making yourself look like a chump. And quite frankly, all it’s doing is causing her to lose even more respect for you as a man, because, quite frankly, you ain’t acting like a man. It’s not attractive, dude. She belongs in the streets. Send her on down the road.

Like I said, if she came on to you, even if you hooked up with her, I would never get in a relationship with a woman like that. And she’s still married to somebody else. So I think about it, you’re in a love triangle with your ex-wife. And who knows, she’s probably screwing somebody else anyway.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I would ask how you are doing but I already know the answer.

Well, glad we got that out of the way.

I hooked up with a girl twice and am now currently getting ghosted. I wanted to hear your thoughts on the situation. I met this girl at a mutual friend’s beach house one weekend at the shore back in June. Thanks to your work, I was able to progress things with her throughout the night.

Obviously, “How To Be A 3% Man,” he’s talking about, which you’re supposed to read 10 to 15 times so you don’t have to think about it. It just becomes instinctual. Obviously, he’s not.

After only a few minutes of arriving, I could feel her attraction towards me through small cues like prolonged eye contact. After a day at the beach and a couple drinks, the tension escalated even further.

The important thing is “a couple of drinks.”

She slowly started to get more comfortable getting close to me and touching me. She could tell I was about to kiss her multiple times and would shy away laughing. She ended up in my bedroom and we had an amazing evening. It was awesome to be able to read her cues and gently progress things emotionally and physically.

Well, good for you. You got your noodle wet.

After the weekend, I texted her telling her I had a fun time with her and gently suggested that we should do that again. She seemed to react to that positively. A few weeks later I tried making plans for her to come over, but it didn’t work out logistically.

Yeah, you’ve got to pay attention. She’s just not making an effort, man. Maybe the sex was bad, maybe you were terrible in bed. Or maybe it was just the alcohol. It does happen. People tend to lose their inhibitions and do stupid things when they’re drinking, and yours truly has been guilty of that plenty of times in my youth. Had plenty of debauchery, but we won’t go into that.

I didn’t talk to her much after that, until another weekend at the shore. We were at the same place as the first time with the same people. Things fell into place just as perfectly…

Alcohol was probably involved.

…but the sex was even better than the first time. After the sex we got a little affectionate. While we were cuddling, I asked her funny questions like, “Do you think I’m a player?” and “Does size matter?” 

Come on, man. This was mostly a success story up to this point. So, here’s the fuck-up.

This was mostly a success story up to this point so here’s the fuck up. After the trip, I texted her like I had the first time, saying how much fun I had. I got a response along the lines of “Ha-ha I had a lot of fun toooo.” I suggested “we should do that again.” She didn’t open my message for a few days, (but obviously saw it).

She’s probably doing it on purpose.

Then didn’t reply at all.

Well, you weren’t really direct or decisive. You said, “We should do it again.” A man is direct. If you were familiar with “How To Be A 3% Man,” you would have said, “We should get together again. I’d love to see you. I’d love to see your face. When are you free? What’s your schedule like? When are you open? When are you available?” Something along those lines, being direct, decisive, making plans.

Instead of “We should do it again,” which is basically saying, “Hey, I want you to be the man and make a date with me.” It doesn’t work that way. That’s the one critique I can say. But if you look at the first time after you hooked up, it doesn’t sound like she really made much of an effort to get together.

And the second time, she could have if she had high interest. When you said “We should do it again,” she would have said, “Yeah, let’s do it. We should,” or she would have liked it at least. But she didn’t do anything. Why? Because she’s probably dating somebody else. You were just a target of opportunity, a body of opportunity, if you will. The alcohol was flowing, she was feeling good, she was feeling safe with the mutual group of friends. Hey, it was a weekend hook-up.

I was very surprised after we had already hooked up twice and had started to develop some chemistry. I didn’t ask her to marry me or anything.

Yeah, but just based on the couple of things that you’ve said to her, it sounds like it was a cheese fest. And maybe the sex wasn’t very good and the fact that you weren’t very direct and very decisive. Like I said, her interest is low. Just because a girl hooks up with you doesn’t mean that she’s going to be your future ex-wife, or future ex girlfriend, or a girlfriend or a wife. You’ve got to look at what the other person is giving back to you, and she’s not giving you anything.

Needless to say, this situation is confusing the shit out of me. What am I doing that’s turning her off?

Thank you for everything, Coach.

Bob

Well, I like said, I gave you a couple of critiques of things I personally would have done differently. But the reality is, when you said, “We should do that again,” if she really liked you, she would have said, “I would love to. That would be wonderful.” That would have been the response you would have gotten. But when you said, “We should do it again,” obviously the fact that she just ignored it was like, she wasn’t interested in doing you again.

Maybe she’s with somebody else. The reality is I wouldn’t do anything at this point. She’s not providing enough interest, and that’s what you’ve got to look at. You’ve got to look at her actions. She’s not trying to get together with you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“When it comes to romantic relationships, effort means interest and no effort means no interest. Too many people project their high interest onto romantic prospects that do not reciprocate any or the same level of attention and interest. People who don’t believe they are worthy of love, will keep trying when the other person is not. People who love and value themselves will simply move on to continue searching for and will not settle until they find someone who matches and mirrors their effort and interest. Never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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