What it means when there is no physical intimacy or affection, but she seems to enjoy spending time with you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who did a phone session with me a few months ago. He got dumped by a girl who said he didn’t text her enough. He agreed to start texting her more, but she is cold, unaffectionate and there is no physical intimacy because she always stops him, promises more later, then dips out with another excuse when the time comes to be more intimate.
She says she only dates one guy at a time, but things are simply not progressing beyond cuddling and some kissing, and he is getting bored and starting to feel like he is wasting his time. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
In instances like this, you’ve got to bottom line the actions to get through whatever she’s saying. Because us guys, we want physical intimacy. I mean, that’s what attracts us to a woman in the first place. We’re visual creatures. Assuming she’s not a religious fanatic, and he didn’t mention anything about that in here. And I don’t think it’s because she’s religious or moral or whatever. But the bottom line is, she’s not being intimate with him. And that’s what really matters here, despite what she says.
You want to make sure that if you’re with somebody that it’s free, it’s open, she’s affectionate. If she wants to kiss you, she kisses you. She wants to be around you, she wants to touch you. And this woman is kind of like a cold fish to this guy. So, she’s either messed up, or she’s not into it. And remember, we want easygoing, easy to get along with, easy to be with, easy to communicate with. Not women who are saying one thing, just like her saying, “Oh, well, tomorrow morning we’ll definitely hook up,” and then, “Oh, I’ve got to go early. I’ll see you. Bye,” and she makes an excuse. There’s obviously something going on there.
So, with that said, let’s see what we can see, because I don’t want this guy getting his time wasted. There are so many situations with guys like this. They get involved with women and they buy the excuses, but they ignore the fact that it’s just not progressing. And again, we’re assuming that she’s not ultra religious, “I’m saving myself till marriage,” because I don’t think she’s a virgin.
We had a phone session recently about a girl who broke things off with me after a month of dating, because she said I wasn’t texting her enough. We’ve worked it out…
Obviously, there’s more to it than that. And I don’t remember what we talked about, because it’s been too long. It’s been a couple of months.
…and have been dating now for around two months. She definitely isn’t in love by this point and we’re not exclusive, so either I’m doing something wrong, she might have issues, or she has low interest.
Well, as I talk about in “3% Man,” and this assumes you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, most women are going to be in love and want to be exclusive by week six or week seven. The more mistakes that you make and the more you display unattractive behavior, or the more messed up the girl is, it’s just not going to happen. And so, the idea is you want to use the tools in the book, because a woman that likes you and is normal and healthy is going to respond in the ways that are in the book.
And in these kinds of cases here, are we wasting our time with this girl? Is she serious? Is she normal? Is she healthy? Or has she got issues that, quite frankly, it’d be better for her to go off and get some therapy and some counseling, or whatever she needs to get her head screwed on right, and in the future reach out. We’re trying to determine that, because we don’t want anybody wasting our time.
There’s lots of girls that will waste our time, that will go out because it’s better than sitting home, looking at the four walls and get a free meal out of it, or some free drinks, or some entertainment. Or maybe she’ll like one of his friends, or she’ll meet a guy out that she likes more and she can slide them her number. Bottom line, it’s better than staying home by herself.
I’m now only texting her once a week to let her know I’m thinking of her, (since she asked for it), or to set a date.
Well, the other question is, how much is she reaching out to you, or is she reaching out to you?
She’s shared a lot about her past, how her dad was never around…
Obviously, you’re going to have some daddy issues there.
…and how her family and her were never affectionate growing up.
No dad, no affection growing up, in a family of emotionless zombies. No hugs, no kisses, no, I love you’s, and that’s what she learned. That’s the pattern that she has modeled. And obviously, you’ll see as we go further down the email that, basically, she’s behaving consistently with how she was brought up. It sucks, we can be sad for her, but at the end of the day, if what happened in her past, what her family did as she was growing up kind of messed her up to the point where she can’t really act like a normal girl, it sucks, but it’s not your job to fix her or to save her.
She seems like she has walls up physically and emotionally, despite how much I’m trying to invite her to open up.
She seems like she likes me. She invited me to an event to meet her friends recently, which she doesn’t usually do with guys she dates.
If you’re not an exclusive relationship, as the book says, you shouldn’t be going out on group dates with her friends. And another thing, if you’ve got a girl who’s not doing any kind of physical intimacy with you, she’s using her friends as cock blockers to prevent any kind of seduction from happening.
She sleeps over or always wants me to sleep over after dates, but she usually cuts the physical stuff off before actual sex happens.
Yeah, that’s not normal. That’s a girl that’s got some issues.
I try two steps forward, one step back, but she is pretty firm in her withdrawal and falls asleep.
How exciting does that sound? Two months of this?
She says we can try again in the morning, but then always has something come up where she has to leave to go meet somebody, etc.
Yeah, she’s doing that on purpose. She’s preventing physical intimacy. There could be another guy. Maybe she’s a fruit loop and just messed up and she’s got issues. We don’t know. But the bottom line is there’s no intimacy happening. And after this amount of time that he’s spent with her, and she’s a cold fish, she comes from a family that’s unaffectionate… What, are you going to fix that? I mean, you you’ve seen for several months how she is. It’s not your fault. We can feel compassion for her, we can feel some empathy, but this is her problem.
I try to read her signs of wanting to be touched during dates, but she rarely initiates touching. Even home alone, I’ll sit next to her on the couch, and she’ll find a reason to sit kind of far away.
Yeah, when you’re seeing these things, you should not continue dating somebody for two months, hoping you’re going to turn it around. And this is the problem, when you really like a girl, you’ll justify it, “Oh, she just needs a little more time. She came from a difficult background.” But the bottom line is there’s no intimacy.
I’ll back off and wait for the next invitation, but it usually doesn’t happen until we’re in bed and she wants to cuddle. She initiates kissing sometimes when we’re alone, but it’s always brief and she is always the one to cut it short and back away.
A woman like this, I wouldn’t be calling her once a week or texting her once a week. She’s not acting like a girlfriend, she’s acting like a friend. I mean, you can almost see other than the kissing, she could cuddle with her brother. It’s like somebody that she has no sexual chemistry with.
I feel like it’s hard to escalate anything physically with her, and in addition, she just seems hard to reach.
So, it’s like, why? Remember, easygoing, easy to get along with. Does that sound like she’s easygoing and easy to get along with? It doesn’t to me. I wouldn’t want to do that.
It’s kinda getting boring for me on dates, because I’m looking for somebody who’s affectionate, open and interested in me.
Remember what I say all of the time, ready, willing, able and open. Does this woman look like she’s ready, willing, able and open? No, she seems like a screwball.
But I’m wondering if there’s anything else I should be doing to open her up?
You’ve tried, dude. You’ve given her a couple of months, and it doesn’t seem like much has changed.
I ask her deep questions, keep things fun and lighthearted and haven’t brought any of this stuff up, because I don’t want to add heaviness, but I’m wondering how much longer I can go along with someone who’s not affectionate. Is this on me, or is it possible she’s not interested? Or maybe just has issues?
It could be one or the other. It could be both of them.
She’s told me early on that she only dates one guy at a time but has not mentioned exclusivity. What should I do, Coach?
Well, if it was me, I would just tell her, (women do this to guys all the time), “Hey, I think you’re a great girl. I enjoy spending time with you, but you’re very cold. You’re a cold fish, you’re not affectionate at all. There’s no intimacy between us. It’s really just a glorified friendship. I’m looking for a girl who’s ready, willing, able and open to date, and you just don’t seem to be at that place. It’s just not progressing. It’s like, there’s no chemistry, there’s no spark. Something’s missing here.”
“I like you, but you’re pretty cold. I’m used to women that are warm and affectionate, and you’re just a cold fish. So, unless that changes, I’m out. I’m just feeling no chemistry, no spark between us. And I don’t want to keep doing this, because it just feels like we’re hanging out as friends, and I want something more than that.” And see what she says.
She may give you excuses, or tell you she needs more time, or whatever. Just say, “You know what? You need more time, I think that’s great. Why don’t you go take some time, go figure yourself out. I’m going to date other people. And if you get to a point where you’re ready and you want to have an intimate type of adult relationship, that’d be great. But the way things are right now, it doesn’t work for me. I’m not just not interested in this. So, if it’s not going to change, or you can’t change it, maybe you’re not in the place. I don’t know what it is, but this is not normal behavior. My needs aren’t being met and I’m not having fun. I don’t want to be with a cold fish zombie. That doesn’t do it for me.”
“I want a girl that’s affectionate, can’t keep her hands off me, wanting to tear my clothes off. That’s what I want. And you’re just like a pal. You’re like a buddy. I’m not looking for a buddy. That’s not what I signed up for.” I would have a conversation like this and tell her. I mean, you could use the same things women use on guys, “Oh, there’s no chemistry. There’s no spark,” because there isn’t. She’s a zombie. She’s a cold fish. Tell her that. Say, “I want a girlfriend that’s affectionate. And maybe you’re not capable of that. You grew up in a family where nobody did that. Even when we’re on dates, you’re so standoffish.”
If it was me, dude, I wouldn’t be two months down the road with somebody like this. I would have dipped out after a few weeks. But like I said, I don’t remember what was going on before this or the last time we spoke. But, at the end of the day, if I didn’t know you, we had never done a phone session and I got an email like this, I’d tell her exactly what I just said. See what she has to say to that. She may make some excuses.
And at the end of the day, things cannot continue the way they are. If she gives you excuses, says “I need more time,” just say, “Nah, I’ve given you about two months of my life and we spent a lot of time together. If you’re still not comfortable with me, then obviously it’s just not right and I’m going to go find somebody else. And you should go find a guy that you feel open and free with, because you don’t feel that way with me.” Let’s see what she says.
And then the other thing is, if she’s not interested or gets mad at you, I wouldn’t go pick her up, I wouldn’t meet her out. I had a similar situation I wrote about in “3% Man.” I told a girlfriend at the time, that I was kind of stuck in friendzone with, I was like, “Hey, unless we’re going to be intimate, I want to move on.” And she waited a few days, she made a date with me. She came over, we made dinner together, made love, and it was fine after that. But you have to have that kind of a conversation with her, because it’s at that point. You don’t want to sit there like a zombie and not communicate anything back to her and just be like, “Oh, I’m totally fine with this.” It’s like, I wouldn’t be fine with this at all.
Tell her what you want. Tell her what needs to change. And she’s got to be willing to change it, and show it to you, and prove it to you. No, “Oh, next weekend,” or “We’re going to go out this Saturday and we’re going to really make it special.” It’s like, no. Next time you’re with her, this is a conversation you want to have in person. If she gives you excuses, doesn’t want to be intimate, says she just wants to lay there and spoon at night, just say, “Yeah, I’m going to pass. I think you’re a great girl, but it’s like what I just said to you doesn’t seem like it’s getting through. I’ve given you a couple of months, and I don’t want to lay here and spoon and have blue balls with you.”
“It’s like, there’s just something missing. Maybe you’re not capable of intimacy. But at the end of the day, if you’re not going through with it, you’re either messed up or you’re not interested. And I’m not done with that. I want a girl that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating me.” Obviously, you’ve got to be tactful about how you say it, but if she recognizes that you’re dipping out because your needs aren’t getting met, she may open up and give you what you want. But she also may just be too messed up, even if she does start sleeping with you.
Do you really want to be with a girl that’s a cold fish and standoffish? I wouldn’t. So, unless things dramatically change, she’s out. On to the next. Don’t waste your time with girls that do this. It’s been two months, dude. That’s way too much. That’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. You’ve got to learn the material. And when things are not progressing, when you’re seeing abnormal behavior, like you’re seeing a lot of with this girl, you’re supposed to recognize this and dip out, not keep making excuses and keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and then going out on group dates with their friends and doing blatant things where you’re violating the principles.
She wants you to text her on a weekly basis to tell her hello. You’re doing things that you would do with a girlfriend, but you’re not even sleeping with this girl. Obviously, there’s more to it than the texting, but you started texting her more, and what happened? Nothing’s changed. You still got blue balls. It’s definitely something to think about.
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