How attachments, past relationships and worrying about the future often get in the way of a new relationship forming naturally.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a forty-seven year old woman who says my work helped her to understand why her seventeen year marriage came to an end, and why she ended up becoming the head of the household with her ex-husband. During this past summer, she started dating for the first time again and details some of the ups and downs in her budding new love story with a guy who appears to be intermittently, but successfully, doing things right out of my book and videos that are causing her to feel attraction for him, after initially blowing him off after he texted her right out of liking him.
She asks my opinion on how to just roll with things, so their romance continues to evolve naturally. It’s a great email that perfectly illustrates what a woman thinks, feels and experiences when a guy walks away after rejection or turning her off, but she later feels attraction and reaches out to him to rekindle things. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
I’m a 47-year old woman. I’m attractive and have men hitting on me all the time, even in their 20’s, but have a bit of an old school mentality, as I feel I may be rigid when it comes to dating and relationships. I really like your approach and thinking. I have to admit, you have good insight into women!
(Well, that’s because I’ve learned shit the hard way. I did a lot of failing before things started to click for me. Obviously, if you’ve read my book, you know.)
I was married for a long time, and it wasn’t until I stumbled on your work that I understood how my marriage broke down. Basically, I was the head of household, and I didn’t like it.
(So in other words, you became the man in your relationship, while your husband became the woman. That’s not attractive. There’s no sexual polarity in that.)
Okay, I do have a question now. Over the summer, I met a man when I was out with friends. He had asked for my number, and then spent the whole weekend non-stop texting me, which completely turned me off to the point of lying to him and telling him I wasn’t ready to date.
(So instead of being this interesting, mysterious guy, that is direct, decisive and gets right to the point and makes a date, he’s in essence trying to have a relationship with her over text, and get her to fall in love. That makes her feel unsafe and uncomfortable, because if a guy’s got his shit together, he’ll ask her to get together and go do something. He didn’t do that. Guys who don’t know any better behave like this and wind up in friend zone or turn her off.)
He very graciously accepted and promised to never contact me again, but I had his number in case I changed my mind! Almost two months went by, and I was so impressed that he had stuck to his words that I decided to reach out to him.
(You just never know what’s going on in woman’s life when you walk away like that. Most guys won’t do what he did. They’ll keep blowing her phone up, trying to force something, until she gets so turned off she blocks them.)
He immediately took the opportunity to set a date, time and place! I like his style. We started a courtship, and he was careful to not over-text. I had come clean about the lie and the fact that I thought he had come on too strong.
About 4 dates in, at the beach, he started saying all the things he did not want anymore… living together, raising kids again,etc. He was trying to figure out my emotions, etc., to the point that I got in defensive mode and starting saying that I didn’t want to start a relationship that already had limits set to it!
(He got focused on the future, instead of just living in the moment, hanging out, having fun and hooking up.)
When I met him, he also had a long distance girlfriend, to which he owned up to from the beginning. He was quite heavy in the pursuit, and I opted to take it slow, which seemed to leave him a bit confused, but accepting.
On that day, he voluntarily said he had one more commitment with this woman, and then he’d break it off. This commitment was a holiday. This didn’t sit well with me, and I told him that he had to do what he wanted to do, go on holiday with her if he wanted, and decide when he got back on what he wanted, but that I was out of the picture until then.
(In other words, if you’re still dating someone else, if you’ve still got this girlfriend, then I don’t think so. That was the right thing to do, so good job on having the strength to do that. A lot of women would have kept going along with that.)
That night I sent an angry text, and he sent an angry text back. I sent a defensive text, he sent a defensive text back. I sent an upbeat one, and he sent an upbeat one back, ha! His last one was that he would let me know when he got back in 3 weeks whether or not a continuation of our story could happen. I left it, didn’t respond, and let him take his time to respond when he was ready.
Turns out, 2 weeks later, he broke it off with the other woman before leaving on his holiday without her. He contacted me and proposed a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, exclusive but ‘no strings attached.’
(You can see when he focuses on the future, on what may or may not happen, things go a little squirrely. As there’s more freedom in the interaction, it evolves. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” If there are rules or you’re trying to lock the person down too soon, and they feel like they’re losing their freedom, they’ll tend to back off.)
Funny, because I got what I wanted, the other woman out of the picture. However, he presented me with a next stop on his terms, not mine. He’s obviously not ready for anything serious, after a 25-year marriage and a 7 year relationship after that that just ended. I get that, no worries. However, I feel like I’ve been demoted!
(Instead of trying to put a label on it and what it means, live in the present moment and enjoy each other. Both of you are worried about what may or may not happen in the future, instead of just focusing on the present moment, because it’s the only thing that exists. If you start focusing on the future and worrying about it, and dig your heels in when you’re just getting to know each other, it’s never going to progress.)
After seeing him again, he asked me to go to skiing with him and wants to see me every weekend. This is my first relationship out of my 17-year marriage, and I’m also not ready for anything heavy, but guess I’m used to, from pre-marriage, being pursued and sort of identify this as a lack of real interest and a way to pass the time, while not being alone. Confused on how to roll with it.
(Chill out. Relax. Enjoy your time with him, and stop worrying about what may or not happen in the future. Live in the present moment. Keep it simple.)
Thanks for taking the time, if you will.
“When a man makes a woman feel safe and comfortable, she tends to feel attraction and pull him closer. When he turns her off and causes her to not feel safe and comfortable, she tends to back away or push him away, lose attraction and test his strength. A man who doesn’t know any better will chase, force interactions, try to prove himself or gain clarity of where he stands. This only confuses and turns her off more. A smart man knows that a woman is like a cat and she’ll probably be back later. So relax, it’s in the bag.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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