Normal Doubts Versus Her Being The Wrong Girl For You

The differences between normal doubts & her being the wrong girl for you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s read 3% Man, 7 times in 5 months. He was already with his girlfriend. His challenge is sometimes he has doubts that she’s the right girl for him. He wonders if the grass is greener on the other side. He also wonders if maybe he’s just being too picky and looking for problems.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Normal Doubts Versus Her Being The Wrong Girl For You”.

So this particular email is from a viewer. He’s read 3% Man seven times in five months. However, he was already with this particular girlfriend when he came across my work. I guess they’ve been together since December of last year, which is almost a full year. So he says his challenge is that sometimes he wonders if she’s really the right girl for him.

He thinks maybe the grass is greener on the other side. There’s a prettier girl or girl he likes more. He has had some problems with her that have made communicating difficult. However, in her defense, she has taken some action and has gotten better, although she tends to backslide.

And then he talks about it again. She works on it. So the important thing is she’s getting better. However, he also wonders, “Am I just being too picky and creating problems when there really aren’t problems?” So he’s a young guy as well. I mean, he’s 23.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I’m 23, and I’ve read your book 7 times since finding your work 5 months ago. I met my girlfriend who is 24 in December 2025. I’ve had recurring doubts since early on that have faded with time but never fully gone away. There are things I genuinely love about her. She’s caring, affectionate, ambitious, loyal, attractive, and supportive. But.

There’s always a but.

But she has some consistent issues too.

Clinginess and jealousy.

That definitely gets tiring, especially as a man. And the longer you’re together, you want time alone, in your man cave. You want to hang out with your boys every now and then. Maybe you’ve got a poker night. Maybe you’ve got an old car you’re working on and some classic that you’re fixing up or something like that. Or you’ve got other hobbies, and she gets mad when you do those things, and then you make time for her. And yet she’s still mad.

She comes off as being a little clingy and a little needy, needs constant reassurance. And no matter how much you reassure her that you love her, it’s never enough. And so that becomes tiring because then you realize that no amount of you telling her how much you love her and care and show her is going to be enough. She’s always gonna assume the worst. And that’s really an issue that she needs to deal with and needs to fix.

Because again, when you’re with a girl long enough and she’s just always that way, that just really sucks. And so there’s some other things you’ll notice that she’s doing as well. Is she doesn’t really trust him. And as a man, you get tired of defending yourself. And so he definitely needs to be a little bit more forceful with the boundaries. Because some of these issues here, these bullet points, there’s five total.

They’re going to get on your nerves, the longer they’re together. And what are we looking for? A woman who’s nice to you, who’s easygoing, easy to get along with. She communicates well, has a great relationship with her dad, respects her father. Because women that don’t respect their dads, whether the guy is a pushover or they just nag him and he always gives in, that could be really difficult to deal with.

Because if she doesn’t respect her dad, typically she just doesn’t respect men. And she’s not going to respect you. And despite you setting a healthy boundary, she just may continue to run over it all the time and it never gets any better. And you’ve got to see reality as it is, not love somebody for their potential, but how they’re showing up today. And if they’re not going to respect your boundaries, they’re not going to communicate in the way you want.

And you can ask them as lovingly as many times as you want. But at the end of the day, if they don’t comply or they don’t comply fully, then you’re looking at, well, is she making my dick hard or making my life hard? Is she your biggest cheerleader and fan? Is she easygoing, easy getting along with. Is she nice to you? Does she communicate well? Is it easy to work out differences with her, or does she make it difficult with being passive aggressive or giving you the silent treatment, which is not fun.

Remember, what did Jim Rohn say? “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me.” So his girlfriend’s got some rough edges that she needs to work on. Like it’s not your job to be her therapist or to constantly be expected to deal with clinginess and jealousy, especially when she’s always accusing you of being unfaithful, which is one of the other bullet points here.

Occasionally responding to arguments with the silent treatment.

Well again, that’s not easy to get along with is it? A girl who’s raised right you’re going to say, look, “Giving me the silent treatment when you’re upset, that’s not loving. You’re creating a problem. I don’t want to deal with that. If we’ve got a problem or an issue you need to talk about it so we can work it out.” Because you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. “And if you’re just going to ignore me or give me the silent treatment that’s being mean and punishing me, and it’s not loving, it’s abusive. It’s emotionally and it’s mentally abusive to just ignore your significant other when there’s an issue.”

Major anxiety that I might be unfaithful, despite no reason to think that.

I had an issue with my ex, when I was married, my wife was like that. And part of it was she could tell, which is kind of why this guy wrote the email. She could tell, and I’m sure this guy’s girlfriend can tell that he’s not 100% in. He’s not all in. He has a lot of doubts and she can feel that. And women tend to not react too well to that. However, you’ve got to say, “Look, I’ve never been unfaithful to anybody. I won’t be if I’m not happy and if I don’t want to be with you, I will end it. I’m not going to go cheat behind your back.

And so you need to trust me because it’s disrespectful and it’s rude for you to constantly get on my nuts about it and accuse me of doing something I haven’t done. It’s insulting and I don’t want to deal with it. So if you’re insecure or you’re worried that I cheat, then you need to go talk to a therapist or somebody else because I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.” And you may have to talk to her in that tone if it keeps up. “This is your issue and you need to fix it and stop dumping it on me.”

Because that’s the kind of thing that’s just going to drive a guy away. He’s like, “man, no matter what I do, the girls never fucking happy. She’s always mad. She always thinks I’m doing something wrong. It’s like, I don’t want to deal with that. Make my dick hard, not my life. It’s not my job to be your daddy or your therapist, or to fix you or to salve your ego because mommy and daddy didn’t hug you or say, I love you enough.”

Not always easygoing and easy to get along with. Not constantly, but enough where it’s noticeable.

Well again, you should probably watch the article and video or that’s in the Members Only Area of the Podcast I did with Katie. She was never nasty to me. Never once was passive aggressive, never difficult to get along with because she was raised right. If there was an issue, I could bring it up and we would work it out. So you can see that video because obviously it’s one of my ex-girlfriends from the book, so you can see what that looks like. And reading this, I know what it’s like being with a woman who makes things difficult for you. You’re just like, “Ugh. Ugh. Again. Ugh.” And the final bullet point.

Entitlement and spoiled behavior, due to how her parents treated her.

Well, maybe he’s got a little bit of a bridezilla. And so if she’s spoiled and entitled because parents, both of her parents are pushovers. Anything for little princess. That’s kind of a problem. Because if she learned all she has to do is nag or be difficult to mom and dad, and they’ll just cave. Well, she is raised expecting that. And you’re going to say, “That’s not how things work in this household, honey. I love you, but I’m not doing that.”

“When I say this is what we’re going to do, that’s it. I’m not going to argue. I don’t want to be nagged. If you’re not going to respect my authority or my decisions, then I’m obviously not the right guy for you.” So a man doesn’t want to constantly be questioned by his fair maiden. He wants to hear, yes, daddy, would you like a cold beer? How about a blowjob? Or can I make you a sandwich? Can I make you a nice meal? That’s what we want to hear.

We want to come home after a long day to joy and peace. Nice blowjobs, good sex. A woman with a good attitude. A woman that’s excited and jumping into our arms. That’s nothing. Speaking about Katie, I remember when I used to go pick her up at the airport and we would see each other through the bulletproof Plexiglas, through immigration. She would see me and she’d start jumping up and down on her tippy toes, just excited, like a little girl.

And of course, as soon as she got through, she’s jumping into my arms, kissing and hugging me. I love you, I miss you, hold me tight. That’s what you want. Again, 20 years later, you guys can see the chemistry on camera, so you know what I’m talking about. I wouldn’t want to deal with this. And so you have to let your girl know brutally, especially if she’s asking about the future and stuff like that.

It’s like, “I love you, but these issues have got to get fixed if you’re going to be the right woman for me long term, if you’re going to be my baby mama, it’s like, you’ve got to fix these things. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with constant accusations that I’m unfaithful or I’m disloyal, even though I’ve given you no reason to. You’re projecting.”

And typically when a woman is constantly accusing you of being unfaithful, usually it means she’s doing something she shouldn’t be doing. And so the more she pushes, the more you’re going to start to suspect maybe she’s really got a disloyal problem or a loyalty problem. And again, you want a woman that is not giving you any lip. If you want any of her lip, it should only be coming off your zipper. I know, it’s terrible. “If I want any more of your lip, I’ll get it off my zipper.” As the old saying goes, you say that with a smile. “I can’t believe you said that.” It’s like, “I’m fucking with you. It’s like, don’t take it seriously.”

But again, the spoiled behavior, it’s like when you say no or you’re not interested, you don’t want to do that. She’s got to be like, okay, yes, daddy. No countermanding she’s got to have a similar goal, similar values, similar parenting views, similar spiritual views as well. It’s one of the big reasons why a lot of couples break up is they disagree on raising the kids or how to raise the kids. So make sure your goals and values are aligned from that perspective.

I’ve addressed these issues directly multiple times and seen partial improvement each time, followed by some reversion.

Well, that’s kind of normal. Part of it is testing to see how committed you are to enforcing these boundaries. But again, it gets tiring.

This isn’t helping my indecision about her, and it feels like when issues do get fixed, another pops up.

Well, that’s the fun of relationships. Each success only buys you a ticket to a bigger, more complicated problem. That’s the way life works.

Beyond this, I also sometimes wonder to myself, can I do better? Is the grass greener?

Well again, the most important thing is, do you see her being the mother of your children? If she fixes these things, or if she doesn’t fix these things, I wouldn’t put up with it. It’s like, no. And the other thing is, do you want her family, her mom and dad to be grandma and grandpa to your kids? Are you like, that’s a great option! I’d really see them as grandparents. But if you’re looking at them going, “Man, they are a fucking train wreck and I don’t want them anywhere near my kids.” Well, that’s a problem, because they’re going to help raise the kids.

They’re you’re going to be part of that family. So whatever their problems are, guess what? They become your problems. So that’s something to look at. Because if the answer is, “Oh, hell no, it’s going to be kind of hard to unless she doesn’t have anything to do with her their parents, which then that would mean that she doesn’t have a good relationship and you’re going to have a whole truckload of problems. So if you can’t see her as a mother of your children, and you definitely don’t want her family being grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and all that stuff, and the cousins being cousins to your kids.

Then the answer is no, you should not be with her. If you feel content, if you feel like, yeah, there’s always going to be a hotter girl or a girl with a better body or a better attitude or whatever. But are you content? Are you happy enough? Do you, when you walk around town with her on your arm, you’re like, man, this girl is bad to the bone. I feel like I’ve got one of the hottest women I could get. I’m totally content with her. Or you’re like, man, I wish I had somebody else with better attitude or a less annoying voice, or who was in better shape.

Or who liked to work out more, ate better, took better care of herself, whatever it happens to be. Another thing you always look at the mother. If the mother is big, she’ll tend to get big. It’s like it’s predictable, pretty close of how they’re going to be in the future. Now, not always. Sometimes if mom and dad are a fat slob, the girl might have been like, “I’m not going to be like that.” And if she was an athlete and always took care of herself and always looks hot. If she’s already doing that on her own, she’ll be a good influence on you.

If she only works out because you wanted her to, well, over time, she’ll probably start neglecting herself like her parents do. And a woman who neglects herself, guess what? Eventually she’s going to neglect you. And after a couple of years together, you should know. Is this the woman you want as the mother of your children or not? If it’s not a resounding, “Hell yes!” Then you should move on. If she doesn’t clean up this behavior, then you should be like, “Hell no, that dog won’t hunt. That don’t work for me.”

And then you can tap out. So I’d give it 90 days. You can give it 90 days. Sit her down and just say these are really glaring issues that have got to be addressed permanently in order for us to go the distance and me want to stay with you. You’ve got to fix these things because every time you act this way or behave this way, it just makes me go, you know what? There’s probably somebody better out there who I won’t have to deal with this bullshit with. A girl who just naturally gets it or doesn’t have this thing or whatever.

I mean, you know what’s in your heart. I don’t know. Only you know. And again, if it’s the right girl, it should be easy. You’ll just know. There’s like a knowing, just like when you choose your career or your purpose, you know, there’s an intuition. And sometimes you may do that job for five years or ten years and you go, you know what? It’s time for a different chapter. I need to make a change. I need to do something else or maybe a lateral move within the company. So you’ve got to learn to trust your intuition as well. And you’re clearly not, “Hell yeah!” on this is the “right” girl. You’re a TBD. Yeah, to be (determined) decided.

Beyond this, I also sometimes wonder to myself, can I do better? Is the grass greener? I’ve only had one girlfriend before this, and sort of fumbled my way into both relationships.

Well, kind of. If you’re living your life and you have an active social life, you will fumble your way into meeting new women that just like you, because like attracts like. People like the same things tend to like each other.

I didn’t have your framework in mind until recently. I also recognize that I can be a perfectionist and somewhat avoidant. I have limited relationship experience, so I don’t have a great framework for knowing what normal relationship doubts look like. I sometimes wonder if I’m looking for problems because I’m afraid of commitment, or if my doubts are telling me something important. My biggest question is: how do you distinguish between normal doubts and a genuine feeling that the relationship isn’t right for you?

Well, a simple answer is everything inside you, if it’s the right girl, is like, “Hell yeah. This is easy. It’s the easiest decision in the world.” Well, it’s just like your best friend. Why is your best friend your best friend? It’s just, it feels right. It’s awesome. It’s easy. You complete each other. Not necessarily, but two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another. But your girl’s got some issues to work on. And so sit her down and tell her this is what needs to change in order for us to go the distance.

In order for me to want to stick around long term, because these things are like nails on the chalkboard. And we’ve talked about them multiple times. You have gotten better, but at the end of the day, there’s still a lot of bad friction on several of these issues. And you’ve got to do a better job. Because I’m not happy and I want to see it get fixed. I want to see you exercise the self-control to do these things.

To never, ever fucking accuse me of infidelity or being disloyal again. Because every time you bring that up, I start thinking to myself, well, she must be doing something she shouldn’t be doing because why? As the book says, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.

And so that would mean that she’s projecting. She’s projecting her disloyalty. And you don’t want a disloyal girl. And so if you want me to think that you’re not a very loyal person, keep accusing me of it. Then I’m going to know you’re the problem and not me. You’re projecting. So see what happens after you have that come to Jesus talk with her.

How do you know when you’re being too picky and perfectionist versus settling?

Again, you’ll know, your intuition, your heart will be like, “Hell yeah!” If you read my book, well, you know how I was internally. I was like, “yeah, I love my wife. She’s fucking awesome.” But I don’t want to marry her. I’m not ready for this yet. I don’t I’m not ready to have kids with her. That’s what everything was telling me inside. But I was like, what if I break up and I never find anybody better? What if the next girl is worse? Then I lost the love of my life.

And I would go to my friends, I’d go to the women that I worked with, and ask them for advice. “Oh, Corey, you’ve just got cold feet.” I was like, “yeah, it doesn’t feel right.” “Oh she’s great. You’ll get over it.” Because that’s basically what they all did. They got over it. It’s like it didn’t feel right. It’s like, I don’t know. But I was young and I didn’t know any better. And I was actually younger than this guy. Alright I’m sorry, I was a little older than this guy was, because I met her when I was 24, so 25.

I’m like, “uh, I really just wanted to move to Orlando and kind of date long distance.” And she’s like, “well, the only way I would move up there is if we’re engaged.” And I thought, “you know what? We can get engaged. And then in a few years, maybe we’ll get married.” It’s like, nope. As soon as I got engaged, mom and dad, well, mostly mom, her mom was planning the wedding and like we got engaged and like six months later, it was a done deal. I was like, Holy shit. And then I just was along for the ride.

It didn’t feel right. And then after a year, it still didn’t feel right. And then I went through that divorce. So learn from my mistakes. My intuition was going, no way, this is not right, not yet. And I wasn’t there. And I didn’t get there. But it took me getting married and going through all that and then going through the divorce, which was a big, expensive pain in the ass. And it took several years. It was a lot harder to get out of the marriage than it was to get into the marriage. And if you’re going to get married, make sure you get a prenup.

Statistically, if you have a prenup, your marriage will last longer than some. A couple that does not get a prenup. Because at the end of the day, the state makes the prenup for you or you make your own prenuptial agreement. That’s how it works. There always is a prenup, whether you make it or the state makes it. And quite frankly, you’re not going to like what the state comes up with. So you and your girl if you’re going to get married better do it together. Because there’s a good chance you’ll end up hating each other if you let the state make your prenup. It’s a bad way to go.

I don’t expect to feel 100% certain, but I also don’t want to ignore something that has been bothering me for a long time.

Thanks for everything you do.

Bob

Well, at the end of the day, you’re not there, dude. You’re in the same place that I was. So at the end of the day, give your girlfriend the opportunity to fix all five of these bullet points. Permanently fix them. Not partially. Not fix it for a few months. And then when she thinks the coast is clear and it’s blown over, that she can kind of revert back to the mean. Like, no, this has to be a permanent state of mind. If we’re going to work, fix these five fucking things.

Because if you’re not willing to fix these five fucking things, then I know we’re not going to work. And let her do, let her fix it. And then see how you feel, because she may fix all these things. And you’re like, yeah, I’m still not feeling it. And then you go, “You know what? It’s not that we’re just not right for each other. My intuition says, no, you’re awesome, but I’m not ready for this. I can’t give you what you want.”

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