What you should do if you are dating a woman for several months who says, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet” every so often, and what it really means about how you are showing up and what you need to change so she feels comfortable enough to ask you to become her boyfriend.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who claims to have read my book over a dozen times and knows its fundamentals well. He has been dating a really beautiful woman for the past six months who is recently out of an eighteen-year marriage with two kids. He himself is divorced after a ten-year marriage with a woman he was together with for a total of eighteen years and has three kids.
She tends to be hot and cold sometimes. Every so often, she tells him, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet.” He wants to bring up being exclusive with her, even though she is basically communicating that she feels like she is losing her freedom, he is smothering her and he is coming off as being needy and clingy. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve read your book over a dozen times, and understand the fundamentals well. I am recently divorced after a 10-year marriage and 18-year relationship, and have been dating an amazing, very hot, high quality woman for about 6 months now. We see each other regularly, at least once a week, she texts and calls me almost every day, and I respond, but I do use texting to set dates and do so religiously. She leans on me for advice and support, which I give to her cautiously and carefully. (Remember, when you’re in that situation, ask her if she wants your advice or for you to just listen. What most women really want is for you to listen. Look at my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” I also reference it in my book.) I am a father of 3 young kids, she’s a single mother of 2 young kids, and was divorced around the same time as me, out of an 18-year marriage.
There’s a paragraph in your book that mentions how women who are out of long-term relationships can go hot/cold rather quickly, displaying high levels of attraction, and from your book, I’d estimate she’s at an 8-9 with me. (It’s very true, especially for a woman who has come out of an 18-year marriage. Proceed with caution.) I know I’m dealing with that to an extent here. One piece of your advice I’m not following is the “abundance” principle, dating other women. (If you’re dating someone for six months, you should really be in a relationship by now.) I’m avoiding this because I know her trust in men is terrible. She was cheated on in a marriage where she was 100% faithful throughout. I’ll explain more about that shortly.
I understand the emotional healing involved after a long-term relationship, and I firmly believe I have healed, but feel she’s still hurting. (You must let her bring it up. You have to let her come to you at her own pace. If she feels you are forcing a relationship, she will back away.) I’m doing my best as a man to try and help her heal by being a significant other to her. (It’s not your job to be her therapist or to fix her.) I’ve been dating her, having fun, making out, and hooking up, but every now and again I get the “I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet” line from her. (That tells me you’re pressuring her. That tells me you’re more into her than she is into you, and she can feel it.) Then a few days later, we’re hooking up and she’s all over me physically. Her ex, who cheated on her then hit her in the face when she found out about the affair, is entirely out of the picture and remarried. She’s not seeing other guys, just me. We’re both in agreement on a slow, gradual approach as far as integrating into each others existing families and lives. (She’s into the gradual approach, but you’re concerned things aren’t moving as fast as you want them to. You need to slow your roll dude.) She’s met my kids, I’ve met hers, we’ve gone on dates together with the kids in tow, and she’s introduced me to her family and closest friends, so I’m relatively confident of my strong standing with her. (You’re constantly trying to corral her.) My goal/purpose with her is a long-term relationship, but I don’t discuss that, (She can tell by the way you look at her and by the things you say to her. You’re over pursuing. You should be hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Keep it simple), I don’t pressure her into anything, nor do I discuss the “future” with her. I keep things in the here and now. I’m just wondering if she’s waiting for me to make a move and formally commit to her, full-blown boyfriend/girlfriend discussion, and if I should bring it up since that is what I want. (This is absurd when she’s constantly telling you she’s not ready for relationship yet.) I don’t want to come across as weak or needy though, and your book suggests allowing her to initiate that conversation. I don’t want to lose this woman, so I’m at a crossroads, (You’re not at a crossroads dude. Just hang out, have fun and hook up. Focus on creating an opportunity for sex to happen), here and am wondering if I should be more assertive with letting her know what I want out of this. (Dude, she knows you want a relationship.) Your advice may be to just date other women and not focus on just one. I know that has its drawbacks, but I feel that with the time we’ve invested in one another, and knowing her trust in men is terrible, that me dating other women and her finding out would seriously hurt her and end any chance of me progressing this “dating” relationship with her into something more serious. (The next time she says she’s not ready for a serious relationship yet, ask her if she wants to date other guys and for you to date other women. Get her to explain what she’s trying to communicate to you.)
Your thoughts and suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks! (Sit back and relax. Hang out, have fun and hook up. When she’s ready for a relationship, she will let you know.)
My response to him:
Obviously if you are in a relationship, you are not going to be dating other women. You claim to have read my book over a dozen times, but asking me if you should try and lock her down to a commitment when she is pushing you away saying she is not ready for a relationship is absurd. It sounds like you are pursuing her too much. She should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing at this point. My book clearly explains this. You must let women come to you at their own pace, not try and force things or force a relationship. Just wait to hear from her, and when you do, make the next date. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Keep it simple. After six months, she should have already asked you to be her boyfriend by now. Either she is messed up, or you are fucking up by over pursuing and trying to lock her down, because you are so focused on a relationship label. Let it go. Read the book. You’ve got some brushing up to do on the fundamentals.
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“Feminine energy is all about communicating, bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, relationship labels, commitments, etc. Currently, most men are portrayed in movies and TV as having to lock a woman down to a commitment or marriage before some other guy comes along and does it. Men who behave this way in real life come off as being needy, clingy, controlling, possessive and scare women away. When you watch movies from 40, 50 or 60 years ago, you see the exact opposite. Women were always trying to get men to settle down, propose and start a family. The men were usually portrayed as being reluctant at first, but by the end of the movie or TV show, they enthusiastically agreed and lived happily-ever-after. Men are always better off and will be much more effective in creating relationships if they focus on being a great dater, having fun together and letting women bring up the topic of making a commitment first. Women are the ones who do the choosing anyway when it comes to relationships. Men who try and force this predictably get rejected.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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