Official Dates, Casual Dating & Hookup Culture

Why casual dating and hooking up leads to a relationship with or without official dates.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer in college who says that when he tries to have “official dates” with women he meets at school, they tend to flake, but if he simply arranges a get together they end up hooking up and this leads to official dates and casual dating later. He seems to think he must do official grand gesture dates, when in reality all relationships start out as casual affairs and a date is simply an opportunity for sex to happen. What you do on your “date” is not important because after all, she is there to spend time with you. I tell him how to tweak his mindset and approach so he can be more casual and arrange get togethers based upon a woman’s level of rapport and romantic interest. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Official Dates, Casual Dating & Hook Up Culture.”

So this particular email is from a guy. He’s 21. He’s a junior in college. And so, he says what he’s noticed is that there’s a, obviously a heavy hookup culture in college. Which it was when I was growing up. That’s like, I don’t really see how anything has changed. I mean, it’s pretty common for dudes to go off to college and you got your own place, you got a dorm, maybe you got a house, maybe you’re in a fraternity, you live in your fraternity brothers.

But when you’re in college. You’ve got to understand, it’s like that period of time. It’s like you’re never going to be surrounded by as many beautiful, single women who are away from mom and dad for the first time. Now they’re adults. They have their own place. They can do what they want. They’re open to experimentation, and they’re just down to hook up. Because again, mom and dad aren’t there all the time. And so, they want to have a good time.

And so, it’s a great time in a man’s life to establish your social circle, to meet new friends, obviously to practice what’s in 3% Man. Because you’re in a target rich environment. Plus you’re like on a closed campus. And so, if you live on campus, and like dorm housing, or maybe you live on campus in a frat house.

Then you have opportunities where oftentimes, especially if you’re living in a college dorm or an apartment where it’s nothing but, you know, college kids living there, it makes things really convenient for the logistics of sex.

And so, this particular emailer is like, “Hey, I noticed it. Like when I try to go and do official dates, women tend to be a little flaky. But if we just kind of start hooking up. Then we end up going out on dates later and it can lead to a relationship.” And so, one of the things I want to make clear, because this is a young guy, is that, you know, 3% Man goes through a lot of different scenarios.

And what is a date? A date simply is an opportunity for sex to happen. It doesn’t matter what you do or where you go. The important thing is the girl is there because she wants to spend time with you. So if you already have rapport, maybe you met a girl in class and you’ve had several weeks of classes with her. She always sits next to you. You always talk. You’re laughing, you’re joking. She’s flirting.

She’s touching your arm. She’s giving you her number. She’s telling you what she’s doing, what she’s up to. The bottom line is you can tell she likes you. And then you find out. Maybe you live in the same dorm building. You’re like, “Hey, why don’t you come by and have a drink?” Or, “Hey, why don’t you come over? We can go down to the bar at the end of the block or whatever.” Or, “Hey, you know, we can go do a picnic out by the lake.”

There’s so many things you can do. And plus, college kids typically don’t have a ton of money, so you’re not going to be going out and doing extravagant, you know, sushi dates with expensive bottles and wine and things like that. I mean, at the end of the day, the girl wants to spend time with you. She likes you. Attraction is not a choice. And so, you don’t have to do official grand gesture dates all the time.

Because again, a date is just an opportunity for the two of you to spend time together. You could go for a walk in the park. You could go for a walk around campus. You can go to the gym together on campus and work out. It really doesn’t matter what you do. The point being is that, the greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time. So go do something fun.

And so, like the way The Book is laid out, there are instances where you may be on vacation and you’re at the hotel bar and you start talking to a girl there and you really like each other, then that can turn into drinks at a table, just the two of you, and maybe an appetizer or two. And then maybe you go to one of the restaurants in the hotel where you’re staying. Then you have a nice dinner, and then maybe you go for a walk around there, or maybe you’re just like, “Hey, you want to come up to my room for a nightcap?”

If she’s really ready, then you can invite her up there. That would/ it typically takes about 4 to 5 hours on average for a brand new woman that you have some good rapport with that you met, to get her to the point where she’s ready to have sex. That’s just kind of like the average. So it doesn’t matter what you do, or where you go, the important thing is that you’re doing something. You can have fun together, and that you got the logistics of sex worked out. In other words, when she’s frisky and you’re making out and you’re all over each other, “Hey, let’s go back to my place.”

Or, “Hey, let’s go back to my room. My roommates aren’t there.” You know, that kind of thing. And so, you have to take it on a case by case basis. It’s like you can go do a fun date somewhere and go to dinner and do those things. Or again, something simple by going and hanging out by the lake or whatever in a park on campus, where there’s always nice places to hang out.

You can take a picnic basket with some, Hey, boo boo. How about some Bud Lights and a picnic basket? You know, have some food, have some snacks, or maybe some edibles or whatever. And just go do something fun because she wants to spend time with you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. You don’t really need to drive anywhere. Again, it’s a case by case basis. There are situations where again, you might be on vacation, you can hook up right away. You could be at a frat party.

You start making out with a girl. “Hey, let’s go back to my room.” You don’t have to say, “Oh, I got to do an official date. I have to wait a week. I have to wait a week to call you and take you out on a date.” If you’re all over each other at a frat party, or you’re in a hotel and you met a girl in the hotel and you’re all over each other, you use “The Trial Clause” in The Book.

“Hey, why don’t we go upstairs to my room for a nightcap?” Or, “Hey, why don’t you come over to my place? Let’s have a drink.” Or, “Hey, why don’t you go over to my place? We’ll put a movie on and Netflix and chill.” If she’s ready to go. If she’s down to bang, bang, then take her back to your place. You don’t need to do a grand gesture date. So with that in mind, that clarification. Let’s go through his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been a student of your work for a long time, and have read the book about 8-10 times, and I know the answer you’ll probably give (always ask when they are free to meet up for a drink), but I have a question regarding first dates. I am a 21 year old junior in college and have been single for about a year following a long-term relationship.

I have since hooked up with and have been seeing many women and have been “playing the field” for a while. I’ve noticed something recently though that may be due to college culture or immaturity.

Or maybe your game is just fucking tight and you create such good, strong rapport with women right away that they don’t need to spend a lot of extra time with you. They’re just ready. They’re down to bang. Because again, it’s the first time they’re away. So a lot of guys, when they start applying what’s in The Book, in 3% Man, they oftentimes think, “Oh, I’ll just go to dinner and then take her home.”

And then what happens is they go to dinner and the girls all over him, and they’re like 45 minutes or an hour away from their place. They didn’t think about the logistics of sex. Because quite frankly, they weren’t expecting it to happen. So again, you got to take it on a case by case basis. If the chick is ready to go back to your place and hang out and have fun, hook up. That’s the process. And again, it all depends on the situation, a level of rapport.

If it’s a girl that lives in your dorm or she lives down the hall, “Hey, why don’t you come over and we’ll play naked twister or whatever?” I mean, with a smile on your face. “I got some drinks. I got some vodka. Let’s play some naked twister.” And she says, “Oh, I’m not like that. I just, I just met you.” I was like, “Well, I’m an innocent child of God. I would never do anything like that. Maybe you can try to convince me to be naughty, but let’s go over and play twister. The naked part, we’ll see what happens.”

I’ve noticed the women I meet are less likely to accept to go out for drinks or out on a date for the first time than to just “hangout” and hook up for the first time instead.

Again, what is a date? A date is an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Some guys, they don’t have a lot of money. They go to McDonald’s or they go to a fast food place, or they get some Bud Lights in a picnic basket.

I mean, the exciting thing for her is she’s with you. You’re the prize. She wants to spend time with you. And depending on where she is in the process, how safe and comfortable she feels, she might be down to bang after only a 30 minutes. I mean, sometimes that happens.

Sometimes you go and you meet a girl and you start talking. You say, “Hey, you want to get out here and go back to my place? It’s right over there.” “Yeah.” Like when I lived in South Beach. It’s like you’re hanging out. It’s like, “Hey, let’s go walk to my place.” It’s pretty easy.

I feel due to our ages lack of maturity to “go out on a date” gives off a more serious impression and relationship type activity.

Well, if she’s down to fuck, it’s like you don’t need to do those things. Again, her spending time with you, her coming over and playing video games or Netflixing and chilling or coming over to watch football with you and your roommates or whatever. Hopefully you get your roommates to leave.

But point being is, when you’re in a dorm, when you’re at frat parties, it’s just you meet a lot of people really quickly, and there’s just some girls that are there ready to bang. And so, you have to judge it on a case by case basis.

You shouldn’t be, “I must get your number and then wait a week to take you out on an official date. I must be a robot.” Don’t be a robot. If she’s ready to go, take her back to your room and give her the meat missile. Make her a satisfied customer.

When I have asked simply when they are free to hangout, they always give a day and we hangout have fun and hook up, but the going out/romantic part is absent until later on after seeing each other for a while.

Again, it’s like you got to take it on a case by case basis. And when you’re in college, it’s, you know, you’re in class, you’re in the dorms, you’re close by to everything. You’re close to the you know, if you’re at a big university, the football field, the baseball field, the basketball stadium, all that shit’s close by. So everything’s pretty convenient and you can mostly walk everywhere together. So it’s just simply not necessary.

When I ask them out on dates, they rarely accept unless we have already been hooking up for a while. I have seen through my friend’s relationship progressions and my own, that usually people our age hook up for a while and more and more often, and don’t start to go out for drinks or dinner until further down the line.

Again, because this is college, it’s, you know, you got to think of it, it’s almost like being on vacation at an all inclusive resort. It’s like if you’re away on a vacation in an all inclusive resort, you’re not going to be like, “I must get your phone number and call you in two weeks.” Like, you know, when I wrote about Katie, my English ex girlfriend, in 3% Man, we were at an event. And so when we started hanging out, I mean, I asked her out the very next night. And it was, this was after dinner and it was already late, and I was going back to my room to go to sleep.

And she’s like, yeah, it’s like we went and we had dinner and like, we were always together after that. And, you know, it’s like we weren’t going out on official dates. I wasn’t picking her up and driving around in a rental car. It’s like she was staying at a resort down the road, and she always came to my resort because I was staying at the nicest place, obviously. And we had fun. It’s like, again, you’ve got to take it on a case by case basis. If the girls down to hang out with you quickly and an intimate way, there’s no need to delay, unless you want to.

So, don’t be a robot. Official date. Yeah. You got to kind of think of like, college, especially if you live on campus. It’s almost like being away at an all inclusive resort. Like everything is there. Everything is close by. You know, if you meet a girl at a Sandals resort or something like that and you’re like, “Yeah, let’s drive 45 minutes to go eat at a restaurant on the other side of town.” I was like, “No, just let’s eat here on the on the grounds it’s safer anyways.” Especially with a lot of, you know, where those places are.

So, my question is, could it be that college aged women these days view dates as overly serious for the beginning?

It’s just unnecessary. It’s an unnecessary step. Again, it’s like you meet somebody and she’s ready. You know, sometimes you meet a chick and you talk for five minutes, you make out and boom, you just go back and you hook up. It happens.

I really doubt it, but it makes little sense to me why the same women who avoid going on dates will literally come over in a heartbeat.

Well, what’s the formula? Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. It doesn’t say hang out, go on expensive dates. It just says hang out. Have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed. So you can progress through all three of those things really quick, especially in college. Or like when you’re on vacation in an exclusive resort, you know, especially if you’re in different countries or different states. It’s you know, not like you’re going to be close by.

I see it time and time again with others. They meet, hookup, keep hooking up more and more often, and then start going on dates as they become exclusive and begin to get into a relationship.

I can’t thank you enough. Your work is a blessing and you have changed my life for the better.

Bob

Well, all relationships start out as casual affairs. They start out as casual, hanging out, having fun and hooking up. And typically, you know, when you graduate and you’re in the normal world, you’re not living on campus or an all inclusive college resort, if you will. It takes time to build rapport. You’re going to go pick somebody up.

You’re going to meet them out for a drink again. But it doesn’t matter. You can go out to a bar and meet a girl and be going home with her in 20 minutes. It’s like those things are going to happen again. It’s got to be a case by case basis. You got to judge each girl based on her level of rapport and comfort with you. So again, don’t be a robot.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.