On & Off For 6 Years & She Wants To Get Married. He’s Unsure

Some things to consider if your on & off girlfriend now says she wants to get married.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been on and off with his girlfriend for 6 years. They have been together for 3 months this time and she says she wants to get married. She was always abusive and mean, but now claims that she’s changed. He’s unsure about marrying because he worries she will revert back to her old ways once they tie the knot. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “On & Off For 6 Years & She Wants To Get Married. He’s Unsure”.

So this particular email, his girlfriend and him have just constantly been off and on for six years. Things go well for a while, then they have a breakup. One of the things he said is like she’s always like been abusive and mean, but lately she’s been nice. And she claims that she’s changed. But maybe in reality it’s because he’s been reading my work and her interest is high. And so now she’s extra nice. Because you know, they’ve been together this time for about three months since their last breakup and makeup.

And now she wants to get married or is pushing him for that. And he’s understandably afraid that if he goes ahead and marries her, that she’s going to revert to being mean and nasty to him. And so he’s kind of hesitant because things have been good for three months. But based on their history of making up and breaking up constantly over six years, he’s like, he doesn’t feel good enough about it. And I don’t blame him. But maybe the reason why they were making up and breaking up so much is because he was displaying constant, needy, insecure, beta male vibes.

He’d act unattractive, she’d dump him, he’d go, No Contact. She’d come back. A few weeks later, they start hanging out, having fun and hooking up again. They’d be together for a while and she dumped him. Or maybe she’s just a lunatic. I don’t know what the reasons were for the breakup, but you know, when a woman is nasty and mean to a guy, it’s usually because she just doesn’t respect him or that’s just the way she is with everybody in her life. Some people grow up in a chaotic household and that’s normal to them.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’m stuck on knowing what to do with my girlfriend. We’ve been on and off for about 6 years now, we had broken up but recently we got back together as I applied no contact. As of right now we haven’t broken up for about 3 months and it’s going well. it seems like she’s been behaving, as she used to treat me pretty bad. Shed go out to clubs have guy friends I wasn’t ok with or just didn’t care about hanging out with me or prioritizing me.

Yeah, it kind of sounds like she just didn’t respect him. Wasn’t that attracted to him and was monkey branching, and trying to get attention from other men. More than likely because she came from a broken home. So when she’s going clubbing and she’s supposedly your girlfriend and blowing you off and not giving a shit, not prioritizing you, that tells me that she had all the power and leverage in her relationship, and you were basically acting like a beta male, so maybe that’s what it was.

But at the end of the day, do you really want to marry a woman who, when she’s not happy, goes out and goes clubbing, has male orbiters, guy friends? What do you think’s gonna happen when she’s married? She’d be like, hey, we got a 30 year mortgage. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me. And then she’ll just keep doing what she wants to do. So you’ve got to see reality as it is.

She didn’t make time for me or she would just not care about how I felt. She says she’s changed which her actions do demonstrate that but it now has me stuck in this dilemma.

Well, honestly, I would wait. Hey, Lyla, what are you doing? I would wait two years. I’d date her for two years, and if her behavior is awesome for two years and she doesn’t ever do any of this other bullshit again, then maybe. And I would tell her, I was like, you know, we’ve had a rocky road these last six years. The stuff you’ve done, it’s like it’s only been three months we’ve been back together. I need more than three months of history. I would say maybe in about two years. If things are great for two years consistently, then we can talk about it then.

But I’m not ready to marry you right now, just based on our past. Because my biggest fear is that we go and get married, then you’ll just revert back to this behavior. And I don’t want to go through a divorce. It’s expensive. It’ll bankrupt us both. And it’s just totally unnecessary. So I’d like to keep dating and if you really, truly have changed, well, you’ll be patient and understanding and you’ll be happy with giving me time. And if you’re not okay with that, then there’s no way in hell I’m gonna marry you.

She didn’t make time for me or she would just not care about how I felt. She says she’s changed which her actions do demonstrate that but it now has me stuck in this dilemma. She says she wants to get married and since she’s been behaving I’m thinking maybe she actually does care about me, but I’m afraid if I marry her she’ll go back to treating me poorly again and then I’ll have to deal with that for the rest of my life. I love this girl a lot I don’t want to let her go but I also don’t know if it’s right to keep this relationship going knowing she could treat me poorly at any time.

That’s why right now marriage is out of the question dude. I would not fucking entertain it at all. And I’d just be honest with her. I’d say, hey babe, things have been great for three months, but we had six years of history together. And you did me dirty a lot of times. You claim you’ve changed, but maybe you’re just being nice because you want me to marry you. And what’s the guarantee that if I go and marry you, that you’re just not going to revert right back to the abuse you were doing before and start going out clubbing with your girlfriends again, it’s like, that’s just I’m not going to do that. I need consistency, that’s what I need consistency and stability. If you really, truly have changed, then you’ll be patient and you’ll wait for two years. But I’m not going to entertain that right now. It’s only been three months.

I’m very confused on what to do if I should just break up with her knowing the type of way she’s treated me in the past. I want to focus on myself and on my purpose but I don’t know if this aligns with moving forward or if it could bring me troubles in the future.

Well, again, if you’re open to giving her a chance, then just tell her. Be honest. Just say, well, based on everything if things are this good in two years, I’m absolutely going to marry you. But if you start slipping up and going clubbing and being nasty to me and going and hanging out with other dudes, it’s like, no way. I mean, honestly, dude, if it was me and I was in your situation, I would have left this chick a long time ago. But it’s pretty clear from your email that you’ve acted like a beta male, and so you’ve got disrespected because you didn’t respect yourself.

No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Remember that. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. And so you stuck around a long time and got abused. And most guys that are smart, especially guys that know my work would have left this chick a long time ago, the first time that she’s hanging out, clubbing, inviting attention from other men. That would have been the end of it for them. But you kept staying with her and trying to fix her and putting up with all this bullshit. So honestly, you shouldn’t even be with her.

But my job as a Coach is to help you get what you want. I’m just saying, if it was a result of you and your beta male behavior and you’ve now cleaned that up, it’ll be interesting to see what happens. Especially when next time she pressures you. I wouldn’t say anything about it now. Next time she brings it up, I just say, well, I’ve been doing some thinking. And if things are this good in two years, I’ll definitely marry you. But if in a couple of months you go back to treating me the way you did in the past, or you start going clubbing and all that shit, I’m fucking out. There’s no way in hell and that’ll be the end of it. We won’t get back together another time.

That’s what I, if, again, if that’s what you want to do, if you want to give her a chance and she’s pressuring you for marriage, that’s what I’d tell her. She’s got to wait two years and she’s got to be an angel, and she’s got to be on her best behavior to show that she truly has changed. Because if she hasn’t really changed, she’s not going to be able to make it two years.

And the reality is you’re going to slip up and get complacent at some point over the next two years anyways. And when that happens, if she starts going out clubbing again and inviting attention from other men, then you’ll know you’re just not going to fix this girl. It’s not fixable. That’s what I would do if I were you, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.