Online Dating Texting & Talking Frequency Before & In-Between Dates

How much and how often you should talk and text with online dating.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who sent about 11 messages back and forth before trying to set a date with a woman he met online, but she wanted to talk on the phone first.

The second email is from a viewer who had one date with a woman he met online and then only three days later she started complaining she hadn’t heard from him. She kept complaining two more times about texting frequency so he walked away. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, I got two emails I’m going to go through with you today. The first one is from a guy. Both of these guys are doing online dating obviously. So the first guy says he sent about 11 messages back and forth and then tried to meet the girl out for a date or a drink and she says, “Well, I’d like to talk to you. I’d like to get to know you better.” So he’s trying to stay off the phone.

If you’re meeting somebody online, ideally you want to talk to them before you meet them, because if your conversation doesn’t flow on the phone, it’s not going to flow very well in person. If you’re only texting and setting dates, there are going to be times when you make a date and then you get there and you meet the girl in person and she’s about as exciting as watching paint dry. Especially you guys that are on a budget, you don’t like wasting money taking girls out that you just don’t really click with, I would highly recommend that you talk to them on the phone before you make a date and you spend your money and your time because again, if the conversation doesn’t flow on a phone, it’s not going to flow any better in person.

The second email is from a guy who met a girl and he texted her back and forth. They had her first date. Then about three days later, he was going to give her a call to make the next date. Because the first one went pretty well, they ended up making out, but before he could text her, she texted him complaining that he wasn’t texting her. “Oh, I thought I would have heard from you by now.” So he gives her a response and then basically she continues, I guess over the next few days, to complain, and then he was he was just like, “Screw this!” She’s already giving him a hard time. So he’s like, “Did I do the right thing? Is she kind of insecure?”

So with that in mind, I say it all the time, easygoing, easy to get along with, a woman with a healthy self-esteem, which is one of the reasons why you take the measured steps that are in the book, is because you’re trying to reveal these things. You want to have a good experience, and if you’re dealing with a girl that’s incredibly neurotic, insecure and a pain-in-the-ass, you want to find out as quickly as possible. If she’s giving you a hard time and complaining that you didn’t do this, you didn’t do that, that’s just a microcosm of what it’s like to actually date her long-term. That’s not somebody that’s going to make it easy, easygoing, easy to get along with. That’s somebody that’s just going to be a difficult, needy, neurotic pain-in-the-ass. We’ve all met people like this and they just get on our nerves, and most of the time you can’t really get through to them.

These are two good emails for you guys that like to do online dating. I have always preferred and the connections are always deeper, better, easier and more effortless when you meet somebody in person as a side effect of your personal life. The way I look at online dating, it’s just another source of leads for you. It’s another way to meet women, practice the stuff that’s in the book that you wouldn’t normally meet these women in your everyday life, your social circle, because it’s always best, the connections feel much more natural and it’ll be easier to talk to the girls you meet if you’re meeting them as a side effect of just having a great social life.

You want to get to a happy place where you love yourself, you love your life, you’re having a good time, you’re proud of your life, because if you’re not excited about your life- I was talking to a guy last night, very successful multi-multi-millionaire, but he works a lot. He basically works, he’s killing it, he’s making millions of dollars, and then he basically goes home to an empty house late at night. He’s tired, gets up the next day, does it all over again, doesn’t really have much of a social life. He’s fit, he’s in shape, but he just doesn’t socialize with people because and he’s not that excited about his life outside of work. He loves what he does, but when he goes home, he’s not excited about his life. If you’re not excited and having fun by yourself, with your friends, your family, your peer group, whoever you hang out with and socialize, if you’re not proud of your life, you’re not excited about it, it’s gonna be pretty hard to get a woman excited about it because you’re not even excited about it. So those are definitely some things you need to consider.

So with that little diatribe in mind, let’s go through the first email.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach, 

I am writing to you because I have recently found a lot of success with going on a lot of dates with high quality women thanks to reading your book seven times. My goal is to read your book 10 times. I have been doing well with online dating, but I recently came into a situation where I wasn’t sure on how to proceed. I messaged this girl about 11 times back and forth asking questions about herself to create some rapport and then I said that we should get together sometime for drinks.

I like the way he phrases that, which is the way I teach, which is, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime,” because if you’re used to women saying, “Yes, sure.” “Hell yeah, I’d love to go out with you. That’s the way you’re going to talk. You’re going to talk from a place of presupposing she definitely wants to hang out with you versus, “Hey, would you like to have a drink with me sometime?” Or “Do you think you’d like to go out with me sometime?”

The number one male strength characteristic that women love in men is confidence. How you say things is usually the most important thing that you do when you’re trying to set a date. So always invite as if you’re already doing this and you’re inviting her to join because your life is a lot of fun, you love your life and you’re proud of it. So when you think from that perspective, when you think of, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime,” it presupposes that she of course she’s going to say yes. That’s what a confident guy would express himself, because he’s just used to getting what he wants, he’s used to getting people that want to be with him, but if you’re unsure of yourself, if it doesn’t happen very often, if girls don’t like to hang out with you, you’re going to be more inclined to talk like, “Uhh, would you like to go out sometime? Would you like to meet for a drink sometime?” In cases where the girl’s interest is just borderline on a scale of one to 10, it’s maybe a five. Just the way you ask her out could be enough for her, if she’s borderline “Ehh,” or maybe is the difference between her saying, “OK, I’ll give this guy a shot,” versus “I’m not really feeling it.”

The goal with the book is to stack the odds in your favor so things work out best, put yourself in the best possible position for success so women will work to get your time and attention like this little fluffy one. The more you don’t really pay attention, the more they’re like, “Hey, pay attention to me!” I’m focusing on my mission, my purpose making this video. Ocean’s a girl dog. Rocky sitting in my lap, very chill. She just went out and roamed around the apartment to see what was going on and then she came back and she’s like, “Hey, pay attention to me.” That’s just the way girls are. They’re annoying like that. Even the female dogs and female kitty cats are like that.

So back to our email. He messaged this girl. He says, “We should get together for sometime for drinks,” which is a great way to phrase it. It’s the proper way. It’s the most masculine way to phrase it.

This has worked a lot in the past for me with setting definite dates but the response I received back from her was, “I would love that! I would like to know more about you first though, if that’s OK. I’m happy to give you my number or Snapchat though (heart).” I am unsure what to do because I avoid staying on the phone too much with a woman before setting a definite date.

So all that tells me is she doesn’t have a level of safety, comfort and trust enough with him. In other words, he doesn’t have enough rapport with her in order for her to feel safe enough meeting for a drink. Quite frankly, back in the day when I used to do online dating, I always would talk for about 10 minutes, maybe 15 minutes max, because I’m trying to see, how does the conversation flow? Do I like talking to her? Is she interesting to listen to? Does she keep the conversation going? Because if she’s boring, it’s like why would I want to go out and blow a couple hundred dollars on a nice dinner or a bottle of wine or something like that? So you want to have a good experience, because the more times you go out and you have just one bad experience after another, it’s demoralizing. Then you’re just like, “Ahh,” you don’t really want to try that hard. You want to go out and have good experiences in your personal life. So we’re trying to eliminate the bad ones.

Again, I know a lot of guys are on a budget and you just can’t afford to be going out blowing money on girls that either you don’t click with or who aren’t that into you. So the more you can pre-qualify them and pre-screen them up front, the more your experiences are going to go better in person. That’s what you want. So I would definitely talk for 10 or 15 minutes. The most important thing is, is she easy to talk to? Is she easy going? Easy to get along with? Is she nice? Is she sweet? Is she feminine? Is she girly? Is she interesting to listen to? Do you like talking to her? Because if you don’t like talking to her, what the hell is the point of meeting her out for a date? It’s not going to go any better in person if you can’t even have a decent conversation on the phone. So if it were me, I would talk to every girl for at least 10 or 15 minutes at the most. If that goes well, then say, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime. You sound like a cool chick. What’s your schedule like?” Boom! Set the date.

This usually works for me…

Meaning just texting a few times back and forth.

…But for this instance, I was unsure of how to respond. I just responded that I would take her number and she then gave it to me. I feel like she has displayed an attraction level of at least a five based off her response and the previous messages from the questions I asked about herself. Could I possibly respond with the take away or do you think I should get to know her a little bit more before we meet? 

Thank you again for teaching me to become more confident in myself professionally and personally. 

Bob

Well, again, if it were me, every single one of these girls I was meeting online I would want to talk to on the phone for at least 10, 12 minutes, 15 minutes max, just to see how it goes. You could do it both ways. You can make dates just through text, some girls are going to be down, and other girls like this one are going to want to talk to you. It just shows that the rapport level is not high enough, but the fact she volunteers to give you her phone number shows that she’s at least interested in talking to you further, so that’s a good sign.

Let’s go through the second guy’s email.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

Big fan of your work, discovered it this year after messing up with a girl I was super into.

Yeah, it’s girls like that that you lose, that really sting, that make you go, “You know, maybe my approach is sub-optimal.”

It’s funny how society and the movies literally make men do the exact opposite things they should be doing that repel women. I know now that previously I have definitely texted a girl out of liking me but am correcting that now. 

My question is about texting/calling frequency. I recently matched with a girl on Bumble and eventually got her number. To be honest, my interest wasn’t super high but I decided to meet up with her for drinks and give it a shot.

Especially when you’re learning you don’t owe her anything, you don’t have to sleep with her if you don’t want to, you don’t have to kiss her. The goal is to go out and get a rep in. You know, get some repetitions, practice small talk, practice keeping the conversation going, looking to see if she’s interested in you because again, you don’t owe her anything, you don’t have to go out with her again, but when you’re trying to practice and get better until you meet somebody that really blows your skirt up, knocks your socks off or flip your lid, you got to get the reps in. Repetition is the mother of skill after all.

The first date went well and we ended up making out outside the bar. We went our separate ways and I didn’t contact her to say any stupid shit like, “Thanks, I had a great time,” like I might have previously. 

Well, the key is to be more mysterious. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. When you do something like that, you go out, you make out, and then you don’t call or tell her that you had a great time or anything like that, it leaves her wondering, if her interest is already pretty high to start out, she might start thinking, “Did I have bad breath? Was I not? Did I not kiss him very well? Did I say something that upset him? Did I turn him off? Did he meet somebody else?” If a woman is thinking about you and talking about you when you’re not around, guess what it does? It makes her like you more, makes her more attracted, and you didn’t do anything.

Plus, you’re also trying to ascertain because again, you’re in the vetting process, is this woman easy going, easy to get along with? Does she have a healthy self-esteem or is she a neurotic pain-in-the-ass that’s always going to give me a hard time? Again why you also wait three to five days, not so much because you’re trying to cause her to like you more, but you also want to see, how does she handle that? Does she get mad? Does she get pissed off? Does she get bent out of shape? Does it rough up her ego? Again, we’re looking for a girl that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, not a pain-in-the-ass that’s going to give you a hard time.

About three days later, I was planning on contacting her to set a second date. I was actually on my way to court for a case I worked because I’m a police officer. I get some text from her saying something like, “I had a really great time with you and I was hoping to hear from you.”

So what does that tell you? She’s a little disappointed, she’s a little bummed, she’s worried that he doesn’t like her. Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them, so that’s a good sign. This looks like high interest.

I explained that I was actually going to call her later to set something up and did so. 

So if he says, “Well hey, you beat me to it. I was just about to text you. I want to see you. Let’s get together,” then just make the date, but she’s already kind of complaining about it. It’s not really a complaint. It’s just, “Ughh, I was hoping to hear from you,” so obviously, he did a great job in the first date because he did just what they do in show business, which was he left her wanting more. It was the cliffhanger. “Will I see him again or won’t I see him again?” The fact she reached out first, this is why you take measured steps, because you’re trying to also create the conditions where she starts to pursue you and initiate contact first, because she doesn’t want to wait as long as you’re willing to wait.

You got to kind of go slower than they go. You want to hold out longer than they’re willing to hold out. So if you go slightly slower than they do, they will rush it. You want them to be the ones that rush it, because usually what happens? The guy is rushing things and trying to spend time with her and he chases her out of his life, like these girls want attention all the time. Even a female dog. That’s the craziest thing. They’re just like girls. Most guys never get to experience this with a woman. A woman’s just stuck to you like white on rice they just always want your time, your attention, they want you to play with them, spend time with them and they get cranky if you don’t, but most guys, again, never get to that point because they’re always acting like a girl and doing too much, chasing too much, calling too much, texting too much, pursuing, that kind of thing.

Long story short, she complained once more I didn’t text her often and I explained…

She says, “Oh, you don’t text me often.” I just say, “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m in law enforcement and I can’t text you when I’m working. I just can’t do it. I’ll text you when I’m free, but you’re just going to have to be patient until we can get together.” So part of that is setting a healthy boundary. You want to see that if you tell her something like that in a nice way, “Don’t give me a hard time about it.” Or, “Hey, this is my career and I’m just not available 24/7 to be texting. I just can’t do it. Besides, I’d rather see you in person and not spend so much time talking and texting. I’m not one of those guys. I don’t like to text a lot. You have a lot going on. I got cases going on. I got people, prosecutors contacting me about cases, and I always have lots of messages and DMs I got to respond to. Although I love hearing from you, it can get overwhelming. So you’re going to have to be patient with me and just understand that I’m just not going to be available at times. I might be undercover, I might have things I got to do. I am thinking about you and I will get back to you as soon as I can.”

She’s going to have to accept that explanation because again, if she’s insecure, a pain-in-the-ass or neurotic, she’s not going to going to accept the explanation, and she’s going to keep doing it to the point where you just you don’t want to deal with that. It’s like you went out on one date with this girl and she’s giving you grief already. That’s not easy going, easy to get along with. She probably didn’t get enough strokes as a little girl from her dad, and this is how they make up for it. So you need to tell her, “Hey, this is what I expect. You got to understand that this is how I am or the way my life is,” and she needs to respect that the first time you tell her, not the 10th time. Again, is she flexible? Will she take your direction when you tell her that you just can’t be available as much as she’d like you to, although you’d love to chat with her, you just can’t? Just because the nature of your work, especially this guy, he’s a cop. Can’t do it. You’re not supposed to text and drive. It’s against the law.

…I don’t like getting to know people through the phone and we set another date. She ended up complaining once more about the lack of texts, at which time I walked away. I think this woman was probably insecure, which was at the root of it…

Yep, absolutely.

…And most confident women wouldn’t care about this…

Absolutely true. If she had a healthy self-esteem, she would say something like, “Oh, I’m so glad to hear from you. I thought maybe you lost my number or something.” They’re not going to give you grief. You shouldn’t only have to explain yourself once. She should respect your authority, because girls that don’t respect men, they’re not going to respect your authority. If she doesn’t respect her dad, she’s not going to respect you when you tell her, “Hey, this is just the way I am.” She’s got to be OK with that, and she’s not. That’s a pain-in-the-ass. It’s tiring. It’s very tiring.

As a woman like this, their feelings and emotions get engaged and she’s afraid of getting her heart broken, she’ll become worse. She’ll become a real pain-in-the-ass to the point where she’ll get angry, because what’s behind anger? Fear. What is she afraid of? She’s afraid she’s not going to be loved. So the stronger her fear is, probably the bitchier she’s going to be, the more she’s going to complain, the more she’s going to give you a hard time. Again, you want a woman to be your joy. You want her to bring peace into your life. You want her to make your dick hard, not your life hard. Easygoing, easy to get along with, like Rocky. Right, buddy? He’s very easy to get along with.

…But how do you put this to rest when you come across it? Thanks! 

Well, you tried three different times and three different times you explained yourself and she didn’t get the message. She wouldn’t respect that. You don’t want to have to tell her 10 fucking times. You want to be able to explain yourself one time, and she goes, “OK, I understand you’re in law enforcement.” Yeah, exactly. Right, Ocean? She wants more attention. She’ll probably sit there and whine at me more. It’s the way they are.

P.S., I read How To Be A 3% Man once and am on my second read. Great stuff, thanks for all you do!

Best Regards,

Bob

You’re welcome!

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.