What to do to turn things around in your relationship if you notice that your wife, girlfriend, or a woman you have been dating for a few months, is starting to take longer to return your messages, is less affectionate and seems to be backing away.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been in a relationship with a woman for about three months. They met four months ago, and things really started off quickly. Two months into the relationship, she told him that she was in love with him. They started talking about their future together and making plans. She met his family, but he has yet to meet hers. He’s noticed she’s taking longer to return his phone calls and texts, but yet when they are together and her family reaches out, she is quick to respond to them. He says that she is constantly telling him he needs to work on his patience.
She no longer texts him that she misses him and loves him. She also has several exes that she is still friends with. He says he tends to get weak and jealous when she talks about her female best friend. She also is being difficult about making definite plans and makes him wait until the last minute before she decides to make definite plans to see him. He asks me what he should do to turn things around so she gets back to being the way she used to be when she first told him that she was in love with him.
I’m having trouble with a relationship. I’ve been with this girl for past three months. We met just four months ago and hit it off. One month after becoming official, she said the beloved words, “I love you.” I was happy to hear this because I love her too. (Women are emotional beings, but will only emote what they feel in the moment.) She’s very caring and loving. She would sometimes write me love letters, buy me nice gifts, and take me out to a nice restaurant. She’s 28 and I’m 29. We both talk openly about the future since we both want to find someone to settle down with, and prefer not to waste any more time. (That tells me you are already focused on locking her down to a commitment.) She mentions that she hopes I’m the one, and talks about how we would raise our kids one day. We have planned in three months that we will be living together once the lease is up on an apt she owns. She has met my family already, but I haven’t met her mom — dad is no longer around. (Perhaps you just aren’t that important to her.) I’ve met a cousin and friend of hers so far. We’ve been attempting to make plans to have dinner with her mom and best friend, but things keep coming up. I trust her and really want to have a future with her, but this is where the trouble comes. (You are focused on the future instead of the present moment.)
1) Three months into the relationship now, I notice she’s not as lovey-dovey with me anymore with words. She’s constantly telling me to work on my patience. (This tells me you are acting needy, impatient and fearful, and it’s turning her off.) She used to text me how much she misses me and loves me, etc., but that phase has died down now. However, our sex life is still great. We hold hands and are affectionate when we see each other. (At this point in the relationship, she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, but more than likely, you’re doing most of it. As she backed off, you pursued more because you are forcing things to stay the way they were.)
2) It annoys the hell out of me when we’re together and she’s checking her phone for texts. (That tells me she is bored.) I’d say, 80% of the time, it’s her mom as they are super close. I trust that she’s not cheating or anything, but it shows she doesn’t value my time 100%. If she can go two hours without answering me when she’s out with family or friends for dinner, why does she check her texts during dinner with me? (You are a low priority and her family is higher on the totem pole.) I have brought this up to her, and she has gotten a little better about it, but I want her to be able to value my time too, where no one else matters but me when we’re having a dinner at restaurant. (You bringing it up to her comes across as needy, and you are trying to force her to do something she’s not naturally inclined to do. You need to back off.)
3) I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that she remains friends with her two exes. (If you’re with a loyal woman, she will tell you about any interaction with exes or guys who hit on her because she wants you to know you are number one.) One, she almost married and was proposed to by. She didn’t go thru with it because he cheated on her numerous times. She was very open with me one time when we were only one month into dating. The ex asked her out to dinner and she showed me the texts with her replies that she met a great guy in me, and they can no longer be friends like that any more. Her dad taught her to never hold resentment against people, so that was her response as to why she stays in touch with her ex. However, she claims it’s a once a month “Hi, how are you?” — nothing too deep. I just don’t understand how she can remain friends with a guy that turned her life upside down at one point. (It’s none of your business.)
4) She’s not very expressive. I’m the expressive one in the relationship, who does the opening up. (If you’re doing all of the chasing and pursuing like a woman, then she’s going to treat you like a woman.) When I question her certain things, she gets mad and bottles up. (If a woman is not voluntarily letting you know she cares, she’s not that into you.) I try to talk it out with her, and she will just get more mad. She prefers I let her be. She usually cools off by the next day, and we’re fine. (You’re focused on what you’re not getting in the relationship instead of what you can give. That’s not communication.)
5) I get a little weak and jealous when I hear her talk up her best friend, a female friend since has. (You are constantly acting like a guy who doesn’t deserve to be with her, and eventually she’ll agree with you.) She said I shouldn’t compare myself to her, and that I need to earn my way up there. She hopes I can be on the same level, and even greater, one day. Also, she’ll randomly talk about friends saying, “Oh, he’s a great mentor,” “He’s not a bad looking guy,” or “He makes a really good living.” She’s not a gold-digger type, as she has more money than I do, and she swears she doesn’t look for that in a guy. How do I get un-jealous about these things, or should I be worried something is going on? (If you don’t change your needy, controlling, insecure, over pursuing, and obsessive behavior, you’re going to get dumped.)
6) She’s a person who never likes to plan until a day before. She’ll agree to meet up, but we can’t make an exact time until the time comes closer for her to tell. (Take your power back, and make definite dates.) It really made me happy when she made reservations for a nice dinner for us because normally, she doesn’t plan. (Now she’s becoming the man in the relationship.) Is it possible she’s someone who doesn’t like to plan at all? (No, you’re acting like a pussy, and therefore she doesn’t feel comfortable letting you be the leader.) Or is she taking me too lightly since she knows she has me? I wouldn’t say we’re on the rocks, but I want to correct these issues before it’s too late. (Back off and let your girlfriend reach out to you. When she does, make definite dates. If she doesn’t, then withdraw the offer. You need to let her know your time is valuable.)
My response to him:
I’m going to address your questions in order as you have listed them.
1) You need to read my book 10-15 times ASAP to learn the fundamentals of what I teach. If you keep behaving the way you are, your girlfriend is going to lose interest in you and dump you. I can already tell from your email that you’re trying to force things, you’re acting needy, desperate and are trying to make a mad dash towards the finish line of marriage. At this point in your relationship, your girlfriend should be doing 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing and you should just be hanging back and waiting for her to reach out, so you can make the next date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. The reason she is texting you less and less is because you are turning her off with your needy, controlling, impatient behavior.
2) The reason she makes you wait two hours to return your text but drops what she’s doing to respond to her family, is because she’s simply not that into you anymore. You are over pursuing her and constantly getting butt hurt that her actions do not match your unreasonable expectations. You’re making your happiness dependent upon what she does or doesn’t do. This is a major turnoff for women.
3) Her relationship with her ex is none of your business. If she wants to cheat on you, there is nothing you can do to stop it. The only thing you can do is show up and be her best option by courting her properly. Your behavior and irritation is communicating that you are extremely jealous and insecure, and that you basically do not love and value yourself enough to feel like you are worthy of her. You, in essence, are constantly communicating that you are not good enough for her and that you do not feel worthy to be with her. From her behavior and actions, she’s starting to agree with you.
4) You sound like you’re the one who’s the woman in the relationship. She is the man. You’re focused on locking her down to a commitment and possessing her, instead of giving to and loving her. The whole purpose of a relationship is that you go there to give.
5) Like I said earlier, your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. You must earn being a priority in her life just like she must earn being a priority in yours. Relationships take time and patience. The only reason you are impatient is because you are fearful it won’t work out. If you don’t change your behavior, you will eventually drive her into the arms of another man.
6) The reason why she won’t make definite plans with you is because you’re not a priority in her life. Therefore, she may decide to do something with someone else who is more appealing to her. That is why I teach in my book and in countless videos you say, “When are you free to get together?” Then make definite plans based upon her availability. If she won’t make definite plans then you need to tell her this, “Great. When you figure out your schedule, get in touch with me and we’ll plan something then.” I can tell from your email that you have completely given your power away and are on pins and needles wondering when or if you are going to see her. Over the next few weeks, you should start slowly backing off until she gets to the point where she’s doing 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. You’ll simply wait to hear from her, and then make a date when you do hear from her. If you don’t start backing off and letting her come to you at her own pace, you’re going to get dumped or friend zoned. You’re literally talking your girlfriend out of liking and respecting you as a man. Again, by reading my book it will clear up most of your questions on what you need to do going forward to turn things around. Don’t delay, read it now if you want to save your relationship.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The purpose of all relationships is that you go there to give. When one or both people in a relationship start to realize that the other person is not treating them properly, or that the other person is not living up to their expectations, their natural response is going to be to start holding back love, affection and attention. Without honest, open and loving communication between both people to resolve challenges, eventually one or both people continuing to hold back will lead to the end of the relationship. The person who is least emotionally invested in the relationship will have an easier time with the breakup. The person who is most emotionally invested in the relationship will tend to struggle the most to let it go and move on. Not all relationships are meant to last. Relationships are only possible and can only continue to prosper if both people believe and feel that it is worth it to continue, and they actually make continuous and consistent effort to make it work.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne