Our Sex Life Is Dying Due To Our Newborn Baby. What Can I Do?

Some things to consider if your newborn baby is getting in the way of your sex life.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 6 years. He’s married and doing better than ever financially due to successful implementation of my work. However, he says their sex life is dwindling due to the demands of their newborn baby. He asks what he can do because his wife is always tired. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Our Sex Life Is Dying Due To Our Newborn Baby. What Can I Do?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy who is basically starting to encounter something that pretty much all married guys, especially dudes that have kids, encounter. Or people that have been together in a long term relationship for several years. So this guy, he’s been following my work for about six years. He’s married. He says he’s doing better than he ever has. And thanks to my work, he says he’s now making double what he used to make. And he’s in a really good relationship.

He’s married and his wife’s obviously very happy. And she got to the point she was so happy that she decided she wanted to have a baby with him. And they had a baby. They’ve got a newborn. But he says even right up until the time of birth, they were going at it like rabbits. But after the baby was born now he’s like, “Man, it’s maybe once or twice every couple of weeks.” So in other words, 3 to 4 times a month when they were going at it like rabbits. And so, something to keep in mind is that I see this, because I do a lot of phone sessions with guys that are in long term relationships, and they all make the same mistakes.

And the first one is always pretty much everybody universally does. The courtship ends. They stop dating and courting their wife or their girlfriend. In this case, they had the baby. She went back to work. And now, on top of the normal routine of work in their careers that they both have now they’ve got a baby that they have to take care of. So his wife is often tired and exhausted. They’re juggling things together and he’s not making time to date as much as he used to, because now they’ve got a kid to worry about.

And so what typically happens in these cases is that whether it’s work or in this case, kids get in the way of the courtship and the love story. And one thing that you can never do, if you want your relationship to stand the test of time, is that you’ve got to make sure you and your girl come first. The two of you have to have a solid relationship in order to be good and effective parents. Because if you don’t, then the kids can add to the chaos by dividing the parents. So when the kids get old enough to talk, what you typically see, the kids go to Dad.

“Hey Dad, can I do this?” Dad says, “No.” They go, “Oh, well, I’ll just go to Mom.” Then they go and ask Mom. Mom says, “Yes.” Parents aren’t on the same page. Then it creates conflict between the two parents. And so in order for your family to be strong and healthy, you have to have a really solid relationship with your significant other. You can’t let other things get in the way. You can’t let life get in the way of dating and courting your girlfriend or wife. Because if you do, eventually some other guy will come along and he’ll make time for her if you’re not.

I see this over and over and over again, and the second thing that guys usually do is they don’t make the woman feel heard and understood. They’re not communicating effectively. In other words, when they come home. “Hey babe, how was your day?” That should be the first thing that you ask when you reconnect with your girl at the end of the night after you’ve been at work all day. And so you have to make the time for each other. You cannot let the courtship go by the wayside, because if you do, then you’re no longer having fun together. You basically become roommates.

And then if the guy’s focusing on getting; because typically they get upset because they want to release, they want to have sex, she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable. She doesn’t feel loved and supported because he doesn’t date her. He doesn’t take her out anymore, doesn’t make her feel heard and understood. He comes home stressed out from work, comes home. He wants to get a little action, a little Puswa, a nice little release, and she’s closed. If a woman feels heard and understood the legs open, and if she doesn’t, the legs close.

And then the guys typically get upset and they want to use logic and reason to rationalize whether to get her to give it up, when in reality it’s that they stopped dating and courting her and she doesn’t feel like they care anymore. And it’s like, I just see this over and over and over and over again. And so in this case, the guy is in the beginning stages of what’s been going well for their relationship. So they think they’ve been together for like five, five and a half years. And so now he’s allowing the child to get in the way of courting his wife.

Other times it’s not just the kids, it’s “Oh, we just did this big renovation of the house and we spent more than we were expecting.” And so the guy thinks, “Okay, well. Hey babe. You know, we’re trying to save money. We’ve got to pay off these debts.” “Yeah, but we never do anything.” “Babe, you understand we can’t spend money like we used to. We’ve got to pay these debts down first.” And all she hears is the status quo is going to stay the same, and nothing’s going to change. And the guy just thinks, hey, he’ll come home every night. They’ll basically be roommates.

And then he wants to be able to bust a nut whenever he wants. But at the end of the day, she’s telling him she wants to go out on dates and he’s saying, well, he doesn’t want to spend any money when he could do things like just going for a walk in the park or go for a long walk on the beach together, or going for a bike ride, or doing a picnic out by the lake or the ocean or wherever you happen to live. You have to do fun things together. You have to get a babysitter. As a man, it’s your job to make sure those things happen. Because I say right in The Book, the courtship never ends.

If the courtship ends, it’s the beginning of the end of your romance and your love story and your relationship. And women know if you love them and you care about them, especially in this case, she’s the mother of your child. You should be elated that she’s the mother of your child, and you should be excited to continue romancing her and dating her, not go, “Well. I’m just tired, but I really like the busted nut. We’ll go out on a date in a few weeks.” You cannot do that. I’ve seen it constantly in the last 20 plus years that I’ve been doing this.

I see the same problems over and over and over. Every guy makes the same exact mistake. And so this guy is in the beginning stages of making a mistake that could cost him his relationship if he lets it continue on like this indefinitely. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email. Because the family that plays together stays together. Love is playful and fun. Women want to be in a love story. You cannot end the love story unless you want to end your relationship.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

First, I want to thank you for the work you do. I first came across your videos in 2018. Through a combination of being fed up and listening to you, I stopped pursuing an ex who would entertain the idea, but clearly did not want to get back together. Fast forward several months and I met an amazing, beautiful, and kind woman. I had not read the book yet, but I did a lot of things you write about without really realizing it or being able to articulate it.

Fast forward another five and a half years and me and this woman are now married. I’ve read your book some 15 plus times now and it has opened my world and drive in a multitude of ways. While I’ve never had an issue getting with women, I had issues with getting the type of woman I really wanted. And on the few occasions I did, I’d always screw it up.

Well, the best way, if you’ve gotten to your 10 or 15 reads, is once or twice a year, you should always go through The Book. Because whatever you observe, you participate in. And if you’re constantly consuming TV and movies, well, you’re getting brainwashed to go back to sleep, in essence. To go back to acting in very unattractive ways. So if you want to continue to remain a good student and keep your relationship together, it’s good that you review The Book every six months at least once. That’s what the best students tend to do to keep it fresh.

Because again, whatever you observe, you participate in. And when I see guys in long term relationships get into trouble, that got into those relationships because of my work is that they read The Book the 10 to 15 times, and then they never go back to it. And years go by and they’re just watching TV and movies and life gets in the way. They have kids or whatever, and they completely get away from the principles that are in The Book. And then when things become a real issue or a real problem, or she’s threatening to leave or they haven’t had sex in a couple of months, or she’s talking to a male orbiter, or the nice guy from work, he’s “just a friend you don’t have to worry about.”

Then in a panic, they go back to The Book and they realize how they basically went back to sleep and went back to the way they used to be. And it happens over many months and years. It’s not something that happens in a few days or a week or two. What you do often you do best. And if you whatever you do to get your girl is what you got to do to keep her. And again, all guys that I see in long term relationships, they have the same problem. They stop dating and courting their girlfriend or their wife. That shit is just not going to fly. You can’t do that. It will not last.

Which brings me to my current dilemma. Implementing your methodology of what attracts women to men, and the purpose of all relationships transformed our marriage in ways I never knew I could. After multiple readings of your book last 2 years, I eventually doubled my salary, got in the best shape of my life, and my wife has been head over heels for me like she was in the beginning.

So he went sideways. He got together, did things right in the beginning, probably got away from The Book. They started having problems. He went back to The Book, back to the basics, back to the fundamentals. Cleaned up his action.

So naturally, this led to my wife really wanting a baby (previously we decided not to, and in my weaker state of mind at the time I did want one, but didn’t think I was capable of raising one). Of course, we had a conversation about it, and I was all in. I’ve been feeling unstoppable. Now our baby is 3 months old, and our sex life is dying.

Well, that’s probably because your courtship died. You got to, at least ideally once a week, you should have a date night. That means you get a babysitter or grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle or somebody you trust implicitly with your kids has got to come and help you guys out for date night. You have to figure that out. It’s tough when you have kids, especially as they get a little older and they start talking. You want to spend time with your significant other. But if your kids, especially when they’re young, they always want your attention. Kids, it’s like they need a lot of attention.

There are a lot of work, and if they don’t get the attention, they get upset. If you guys have seen me with the puppies, it’s like you got Ocean, the girl. It’s she’ll go and wander and say, hang out with the girls for a few minutes. Maybe when I’m filming. Then she comes back in, and if I don’t pick her up or pay attention to her to jump back up in the chair with me, she starts whining. Like last week I was filming and it was kind of funny, but that’s the way she is. It’s like if she thinks you’re working too much, she starts whining.

She’ll put her legs. Like if you’re sitting on the couch, she’ll put her legs in the back of the couch and slowly move over and start licking and nipping at my ear, sticking her nose and her tongue in my ear and whining at me to get me to pay attention, to pick her up or hold her, or caress her, or just pet her for a little bit. Then after a few moments of giving her attention, she’s fine. And then she goes and goes back and hangs out with the girls. Or it chills out for a while, but it’s, you know, where’s the boy Rocky. He’s pretty stoic. He’s happy to get pets, but he’s not going to whine.

It’s like if you’re busy, he leaves you alone. He does his own thing. Whereas a girl, it’s like, just like I talk about My Book, about how I noticed my ex girlfriend’s daughter when she was young is, they go off and they play and they do their thing, and after a while they want to come back, get some attention. You give them attention and they go and they leave and they come back and they leave and they come back. It’s like women do it. Even female dogs do it. It’s like they want attention. And so if you got kids, you want to give your kids attention.

Because if you don’t give them attention, then they feel like you don’t care and you don’t love them. And you got to do the same thing with your girl. If she wants your attention, she complains you never do anything, and you want to argue with her and explain how you did this and you did that. All she’s really saying is, “Hey, take me out on a date.” So you’ve got to always make the time, because if you won’t make the time to date your girl. You’ll certainly find the time to spend time and money with your divorce attorney.

And you don’t want that because that’s very expensive and unpleasant. It’s not a good outcome, especially when it’s totally avoidable. So again, you’re relationship between the two of you has got to come first. You have to be on solid ground with your wife. You can’t say, “Oh we’re busy with the kids”, or “Oh, I’m busy with work.” You got to find the time. Because if you don’t find the time to date and court her and eventually she gives up, then depending on the level of character you’re with, a good woman will just leave you and be single for a while. Take time to heal and then she’ll start dating when she’s ready.

A woman with low character will start giving out her phone number, hanging out with dudes from the office or her boss, going to drinks, going to dinner, going to happy hour, going clubbing, go bar hopping with her single friends that are all divorced or broken up or whatever. And next thing you know, it just kind of happened. And she falls in love and leaves you for the dude at the office or somebody she met when she was out with friends or whatever. So it’s a bad way to go. The Courtship Never Ends. It’s a chapter in The Book. That’s not negotiable. You have to make the time.

We went from having sex multiple times a week, even when she was 9 months pregnant to like once every week or two. I get it, there is a burden of work she handles with raising a baby. And often she is tired and overstimulated (she just recently went back to work). I’m an active father with feedings, diaper changes, cooking meals, etc. but I feel part of my masculine charm she’s been fawning over is dwindling.

Well, you got to get Grandma and Grandpa to help out. Aunts, Uncles. It helps to have family members that live close by, or friends that you trust, with your kids. So you have to find the time. Because again, if you don’t find the time to get a babysitter or somebody to watch the kids so you can go out at least once a week, maybe twice. In other words, every other week, you’ve got to have a date night.

You just have to have date night for the two of you. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s how the baby came along in the first place. And just because the baby’s there doesn’t mean you get to stop having fun together. Because the family that plays together stays together. If you stop playing with your wife or your girlfriend, guess what? She’s going to go play with somebody else. That’s just inevitable.

I planned an awesome date last week and we had amazing sex later that night.

Well, the formula is the formula. It’s the same today, and it’ll be the same 30 years from now. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced. So he planned an awesome date and he had good sex. This should be at least a weekly thing. You got one kid. It’s a baby. You got to figure it out, Dude. You have to figure that out. You can’t go. “Oh, I’m just too busy.” Guys that are too busy always seem to find the time for the divorce attorney.

Of course, when I tried again two days later, she fell asleep almost immediately. Lol.

Well, you got to kind of be strategic. If she can’t keep her eyes open and you’re trying to hook up and get a quickie. Well, you got to have some common sense. And especially as the kids get a little older and they can talk and they can move around. If you’re dating regularly, you’re going out at least once a week. And then the other thing is you want to go out with at least just you and her, and you’re going to feel guilty. You’re going to feel guilty when you leave the kids at home, or you leave them with grandma, because they kind of take it personally.

They kind of take it like they’re bothered. I was hanging out with some good friends of mine that I grew up with, and they got a younger daughter, but we went to a bar on Friday night to meet up with a bunch of other friends of ours that we grew up with, and so daughter’s at home, you know, she’s 12 or 13 now, I think 14, and she feels left out. But it’s like, hey, the adults want to have fun. So my buddy, he wants to go out with his wife and have a few drinks, reconnect with some old friends, spend some quality time, and then after 2 or 3 hours of hanging out, mom goes home, she takes an Uber and the rest of us, we go to dinner.

And it’s like, because she’s got to spend time with the daughter because she’s young. She’s not going to be around forever. Because in a few years she’ll be going off to college. So you got to figure out how to make time for everybody, including your kids, including your girl. You just can’t let your relationships go to shit because you got a kid or because you’re busy with work. How can you ever have the time if you never take the time?

I make sure not to get butt hurt about it. What advice would you give to a man with a newborn and looking to re-ignite the sexual spark?

Well, you need help. You need babysitters, you need grandma, you get grandpa. I mean, ideally, you guys are a young couple. It’s like you should be going out at least once a week and having at least one date night a week. You just have to. That means the babysitter’s handled, and then you and her can go out and just relax without any stress, without any, “Mommy. Daddy. I need this. Ah!” And, you know, it’s like you got to be able to go out and have fun together and get your freak on.

Because then when you come home after your date and you’ve been kissing and you’re making out, you can put the kids to bed. Maybe they’re already asleep. Hug Grandma and Grandpa goodbye. Thank them for watching the kids, and they’re usually happy to come over and watch the kids. And then after the kids are asleep, then you and your significant other can get your freak on. You’ve got to make the time. There’s just. It’s not negotiable.

I’m sure you’ve worked with plenty of men with small children so any insights would be helpful.

It’s like, yeah, I’ve had that experience as well. I mean, if you’re taking time to go out, but then you’re on a family trip. You still want to bust a nut. And you’re in a hotel together. Kids are in the next room playing, watching TV or whatever. You lock the door in the bathroom, and you and your girl get your freak on in the bathroom. And you hope that you don’t make too much noise. And the kids are like, “What was all that clapping and slapping noise I heard? I heard funny noises in the back. What are you guys doing in there?”

So it’s like, literally like being James Bond in your own house, just trying to get a few minutes away where you can get a quickie in and get each other off and, and go back to parenting because kids need a ton of ton of attention. You got to watch them. And before you know it, they grow up and they’re gone anyways. And so you don’t want to miss out on the best years of their lives working at some fucking job.

My gut is telling me I’ll have to get more creative with romancing my wife.

Yep.

And opening her up more even though caring for our baby takes up so much time and energy.

Yeah, you need help. You need your family to help out. Aunts, Uncles. Grandma. Grandpa.

Even the date took a lot of coordinating with my mom as a babysitter and aligning everyone’s schedules.

Best Regards,

Bob

Yeah, well. See, that’s more work. And you’re like, “Oh, people do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure. And so you’re tired, your wife is tired, and you’re like, “Oh, I got to call my Mom and coordinate schedules.” It’s like, “Oh, I just want to coast. Oh, we’ll go out next week.” You have to find the time even when you’re tired. It’s just, it’s discipline. You really got to discipline yourself. Just like working out. As Jocko Willink always says, “Discipline equals freedom.”

And if you want to have a great life, great wife, great kids, great family, and everybody’s happy. Even when you’re tired, you got to make time. So you got to work out something with your Mom, and she’s got to be a babysitter or your Dad. You got to figure that out. Her parents. You got to figure it out, Dude. That’s on you. You’re the man. You’re the leader. Especially if your wife is doing most of the caretaking of the baby.

You taking care of the babysitter so she can focus on doing her nails and getting her hair ready, and picking out her dress and shoes so she can look hot for you on your date. It’s like you got to do it. It shows you care. And if you stop doing it, it shows you no longer care. And if you don’t care, and you don’t date and court her, eventually some other guy will do it for you. These are non-negotiables in a relationship. So thank your Mom. Love your Mom. Just say Mom, we really need your help.

If you could do this a couple times a month, it would be fucking phenomenal. “It’d be so great for our marriage and the kid and your grandchild.” It’s like, “We would really love to have you come do this on a regular basis. Whatever we can do to make it easy and convenient. Please, please, please help us. It would be great. We need you. We love you. We appreciate you. Your grandkids. Appreciate you, love you. We need you. We need you around. We need your help.” You got to do it, Man. You got to figure it out.

You got to find a way, not a way out. Because this is where guys start going wrong in their relationships. “Oh, we got a kid. It’s, uh. It’s difficult to coordinate the, you know, babysitter. Uh, everybody’s schedules.” Well. Tough shit. This is what you signed up for. You’re married now. No sense in crying or whining about it. But this is just the process. This is the process of maintaining your relationship.

So it is what it is. This is the price. This is what you signed up for. So congratulations on all your success. But if you continue to do little things and you continue to play together, you will stay together and you’ll raise great humans that you and your wife can be proud of.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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