In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who comes from a country where dating and premarital sex can literally get you killed because it is against their religious laws. He does not buy into or subscribe to the religious dogma and restrictions of his home country. He now lives in Europe where he has the freedom to date and hook up with whomever he chooses. However, due to his background and upbringing, he has created a lot of stories as to why he can’t or won’t be successful with women. He is starting to follow what I teach, but he’s kind of still sitting on the sidelines because of the story he’s telling himself and the belief system he has developed. He complains that because he does not speak the native language but only speaks English, his choices are limited. He also says that because he doesn’t have a lot of experience with women, and doesn’t have much confidence, that this is another reason for his lack of success. I discuss what he needs to focus on, and I give him an action plan that will fill up his social calendar over the next month if he does what I suggest, so he can get some real world practice and improve his skills.
I have a long story to tell, but I try to describe the main points as briefly as possible. I am 28 years old, and I have never had a girlfriend in my entire life. I was born in a country that doesn’t allow any relationship before marriage, so not having girlfriend wasn’t all due to me. More important than not having girlfriend, I am an Atheist, and in the country where I was born, Atheists are executed, so my confidence was totally crushed. (Those societal systems are all about control and dogma.) When I was 26 years old, I finally left that country, and now I live in Hungary. Here, I don’t need to pretend that I believe in religion, and that feels awesome. (Good for you for finding a place where you can live and be who you are, express yourself, explore your life and make it the way that you want it.)
I was 273 pounds last year, and now I am 183 pounds. I am in the happiest place I’ve ever been in my entire life, but I know that I deserve much more than this. I struggle with procrastination a lot. I am a third-year chemical engineering student now. I was so passionate about chemistry when I was a high school student, but now I am thinking more and more that I could be wrong about chemistry being my passion. (Try taking some different classes that might be appealing to you so you can see what you like. You should gravitate towards something that interests you. You will contribute more to the world if you don’t have to live your life according to someone else’s expectations.)
I love being around people. As for girls, I suck at it due to lack of experience and, to be honest, because of the very few times I have hooked up. I am not confident about having sex. (With time and repetition you will get better. Give yourself permission to fail. Every great lover was a novice at one point.) The biggest progress I’ve had regarding girls, is the fact that I worked on mastering eye contact, and now I rarely have any problem holding eye contact or staring at anybody. (That is a great first step. Next, start smiling at people and saying hello. Watch my video, “Improving Your Social Skills” 3-4 times, and continue to practice it.)
Few people here speak English, which makes communication with them difficult. I am learning Hungarian, but because of extreme perfectionism, I rarely practice. (Try speaking English with women. With time and repetition, you will overcome your fears.) Finally, as I am only a student here, and not a citizen, I have worries about my future. I don’t want to go back to that fucking country I lived in for 26 years. (Find a country you can immigrate to. Find a way in, not a way out.)
Please give me some practical ways to improve my life for the better, and by practical I mean, giving clear instructions. For example, instead of saying “be confident,” please tell me what a confident person looks like, as in having a strong eye contact. (Confidence comes from doing something that you know how to do, and doing it very well. The only way you will become an expert is by practicing these things.) I hope to have a coaching session with you when my money situation gets better. Thanks a lot.
My response to him:
The first thing you need to do is read my book 10-15 times and start applying what it teaches. You must participate in your own rescue. You’ve created a lot of stories as to why you don’t have the kind of women in your life that you want, i.e. not many people speak English in Hungary, you don’t get to practice very much, you’re a perfectionist, you lack sexual confidence due to very few experiences, etc. The only way you are going to get better is if you start opening your mouth and start talking to women. Either move to a country where more people speak English, or learn to speak Hungarian. I want you to ask out 100 different women over the next 30 days. Keep a log of all of your approaches. Attraction is not a choice. If you ask out a hundred different women, 10-12 of them will go out with you, and 3-5 of them will sleep with you. Those are the numbers. Watch my video titled: “Improving Your Social Skills” which is also on the Home page of my YouTube channel listed under “Essential Fundamental Videos.” Go to the mall or any place where there is a lot of people and especially women you can practice on. Repetition is the mother of skill. You must practice what you learn in my book in order to get better. That is your action plan. If you follow it, you will get better, and a month from now, you will have more women in your life. You must keep following this plan until you get good enough to meet women at will, create dates, and successfully seduce the women you want. Eventually, you will meet a really great girl to have a relationship with. It is simply a matter of time and repetition.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Everyone who is a master, expert at something, or the best in the world at what they do, was at one point in their lives, a novice and a beginner with no experience. The key to becoming successful in any endeavor or area of your life that you need to improve is time and repetition of simple, basic fundamentals. The reason why most people’s lives are missing the people or circumstances that they really want, is the stories that they tell themselves about why they don’t have what they want. A disempowering story gives us a level of safety and comfort and justifies not doing anything to help ourselves get what we want. Since we don’t take any action, nothing changes in our lives, and our disempowering story continues to validate, and reinforce how we’re not living our lives to reach our full potential. Progress and success depends upon taking action, learning from your mistakes, and constantly refining and adapting your approach over time. You must participate in your own rescue. You are the only one who has the power to take action to get you from where you are right now, to where you want to be in the future.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne