Over Investing In Her While She Under Invests In You Leads To Rejection

Why you should match and mirror her enthusiasm & effort to attract her successfully.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 37-year-old viewer who started dating a woman he’d always liked. However, she had a lot of red flags, but he ignored them all and only focused on how much he liked her. He eventually got tired of over investing in her while she under-invested in him. He stopped moving forward and never heard from her again.

He’s surprised because he saw a future with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this is a good email where it just shows the importance of paying attention to what a woman does, not so much what she says, and the fallacy of focusing only on how much you like a girl and trying to win her over, and ignoring the fact that she’s not making the same kind of effort. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and women simply will like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. When it’s the opposite way around, you communicate that they have all the leverage, and usually you’re going to get a pullback and squirrelly behavior if that is the case.

So this guy is 37, started dating a woman that he always liked. So he already kind of had a fantasy of what she was like. Then he actually got to date her, and he was for a long time ignoring the fact she wasn’t really making much of an effort. So he thought, “You know what? I’ll just stop calling her and see if she ever reaches out.” He never heard from her again. Now he’s gone, “What the hell? I saw a future with her.” Obviously, she clearly didn’t see a future with you. You got to pay attention to what a woman does, not what she says, and not get all dopey, overly-invested and excited about any one particular prospect, because what ends up happening is we project our fantasy of what we want onto the other person, and then once we do that, we’re completely blind to red flags and any other undesirable behavior, and then we just rationalize away their lack of interest, lack of effort until we get burned down the road when we realize they just didn’t care.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’d appreciate your perspective on an experience I just went through. I know I made mistakes, but I’d like to hear how you would frame it.

I (37) started dating a beautiful woman (30) a couple of months ago. I have liked her for years, so I built an expectation in my mind.

So what you built is a fantasy of your ideal woman and you projected it onto her. When you do that, you just assume that she matches it because you’ve decided she does. Then anything that doesn’t line up with that, you’ll just dismiss it like a scotoma. If you’ve ever had a situation where you’re like, “Hey, where’s the mustard at?” And your girl says, “Oh, it’s in the upper left cabinet,” and you look and there’s all kinds of bottles and you’re like, “It’s not here.” If you’re convinced there’s no mustard there, and then your girl comes over, grabs it, and it’s like, “What’s this? It was right in front of you,” if your belief is so strong that it’s not there, even though it’s there, your eyes recognize it. Your brain won’t acknowledge it because again, you’ve convinced yourself that it doesn’t exist. It’s called a scotoma.

At first, she seemed great, and we had good chemistry. But by the third date, my intuition was already telling me: “This girl is never going to be my girlfriend.”

So your intuition, your gut is telling you something is a little off. Your feelings are your truth. It’s the way our soul communicates with us, but if we’re attached to the fantasy, an irrational fantasy that we projected onto this person, we’re just not going to acknowledge that.

• She openly admitted she’d never really been in a healthy relationship. The one time she was “in love” was with a diagnosed narcissist, which ended with her in therapy for two years.

Well, it sounds like a lovely experience.

• Every time she dates men, she says it goes nowhere, the guy loses interest, and nothing long-term develops.

So what did Maya Angelou said? “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So if you’re dating a 30-year-old, never had a good relationship or she had one, and then she ended up in therapy for two years afterwards, and every single guy she dates, the guy loses interest and disappears, well let’s look at her actions. In this case, you can kind of see why most guys just get tired of the lack of effort and they give up.

• She keeps many male friends and stays in contact with former romantic partners.

Again, any guy who’s got his shit together is not going to want to deal with her constantly being in contact with exes, hookup partners and a bunch of other beta male orbiters that are trying to get into her pants. Typically, if a woman has no female friends and she says, “Oh, girls are a pain in the butt,” it’s usually because good women who have a good set of values don’t want to be friends with them, because usually they’re trying to steal their man and they’re doing shady, shitty things to those girls. So in time, any potential female friends she would have had or had in the past realized that she’s a snake in the grass and they don’t want anything to do with her.

So that’s typically a red flag. If the girl has nothing but male friends and no female friends, it’s usually because she lacks character. Then when she’s in a relationship supposedly with somebody, the male orbiter sticks around and so do all the exes. She’s just not a loyal person. You got to vet people based upon their character, and when you see things like that, it’s mostly just dudes and exes that she talks to and no female friends, that’s not good. It means she’s typically not a good person because she runs off all the good women that she comes across, either by doing shady shit or trying to steal or sleep with their significant other.

• She has a poor relationship with both parents and sometimes makes dark comments like, “I shouldn’t have been born.”

Well, that’s positive and uplifting.

• She cancelled dates with little to no anticipation twice.

Well, as the late, great Doc Love used to say, “If a woman cancels a date on you with no explanation, she’s done forever. One chance per girl, per lifetime.” So if you’re making dates or you make a date and then she cancels it and doesn’t offer a reschedule, just say, “Hey, no problem. Some other time.” Then never call or text her again for any reason. If you re-engage after she blows you off, you’re inviting her to do it again. Therefore, if she’s disrespected you like that and canceled a date at the last minute, she clearly didn’t want to see you. Her interest was low and she doesn’t respect you or your time. If you go back to her after that, if you contact her after that and try to set another date, she’ll likely do it again, which obviously she’s done that on at least multiple occasions here. Oh, he said twice. So the second one was his fault because he enabled the behavior. He should have stopped moving forward when that happened.

When we were together, she was a little cold. I found myself over-investing a lot of attention, trying to be caring and gentlemanly, and ended up losing my cool a couple of times and acting lovey-dovey.

Yeah, you’re cooing like a dove, focused on your feelings and how much you like her, and you’re just ignoring the fact that it doesn’t even appear like she’s even into you at all. That’s what happens when you focus on your interest. You tend to ignore the fact she has no interest or low interest in you. Then she’s canceling dates. So she recognizes, even if she disrespects you, you stick around.

The last time I saw her, I invited her to go hiking, and she reacted with surprise, almost as if that level of effort was “too much.”

Yeah, it’s pretty obvious she had low to no interest in you, but this is what happens. You came into your interactions with her, thinking she’s your dream woman. It took you a while, even though your spidey sense is going, “Hey, this girl’s never going to be your girlfriend because she doesn’t care about you,” your gut was telling you that, but your mind, because you were too emotionally invested and were projecting your fantasy, wouldn’t allow you to see that that was a scotoma.

That threw me off. After that, I decided to walk away. Told myself, “If she doesn’t initiate, she’ll never see or hear from me again.”

So I pulled back completely, no drama, no angry texts. Just silence. I gave her space for her to show initiative. Over the next weeks, she only gave passive signals (Liking my stories), but never reached out. After about a month of silence, she unfollowed me.

Remember, this is what she says happens to every guy. So every guy with half a brain dates her, realizes she doesn’t make much of an effort and she’s lazy. On top of that, she’s got all these other male dudes that she’s getting attention from. Ex-boyfriends, guys she used to hook up with, other guys that are just friends trying to get into her pants. The average guy who’s got his shit together realizes she got no female friends, every person she talks to is somebody she used to sleep with, basically, or that is trying to sleep with her. No guy wants to compete with that. They don’t want to deal with that shit. So that’s why they fade away, because they realize what she’s all about.

That hit me hard because I genuinely thought we could go somewhere.

Yeah, that’s just delusional. There is no evidence that she was making any effort to like you. That’s the problem. You were only focused on your feelings and your interest in her and you just assume, since she went out with you that she was into you. I don’t know if he tried to kiss her or anything happened. It sounds like he took her out a bunch and nothing ever happened. Yet he’s thinking about what it’s going to be like to be married to her in a long-term relationship, even though his gut’s going, “Man, it’s never going to happen with this girl.”

I felt a lot of frustration and anxiety because she moved me emotionally, but above all, I am confused as fuck.

Well, if the girl really likes you, you won’t be confused. So she doesn’t like you. Dude, she’s not into you, and you ignored that.

My instincts were firing alarms, but at the same time, I felt a strong pull towards her.

Well, you felt a strong pull towards your fantasy of who she was and you completely ignored that she had no interest in you at all. She probably liked the free meals or the free drinks, but other than that, she couldn’t have given two fucks.

I thought she was into me, at least enough to close the distance.

Love your work!

Best,

Bob

it’s like, nope! Again, got to read the book. The book is laid out to prevent you from getting down the road with women like this, but in your case, you were kind of already invested in her because you had developed a fantasy about her for several years, and then you finally got to date her, and your gut right away was going, “Yeah, this is not going to work, dude.” Eventually, reality caught up to your intuition. So now at least you know where you stood, because if there was any kind of interest in her part, she would have reached out. She wouldn’t have been OK with you disappearing.

Again, that’s what happens with everybody. So she continues to talk to her ex-lovers and all her male orbiters and she unfollowed you. She did you a favor. If you’re ghosted, let the person be a ghost. In other words, poof! She doesn’t exist anymore. Like I said, dude, you got to pay attention to a woman’s effort and her interest and you ignored it until you got sick of it, and then you left. Again, it just looks like that’s what she does to everybody.

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