How to avoid the trap of thinking it is a good idea to pursue too much, text too much, message too much and constantly profess your interest in a woman when you first start dating. Why over-pursuing leads to rejection in most cases, and sometimes leads to stalking charges in extreme cases.
In this video-coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares how he screwed up his chances with a woman he went to high school with, and always was highly attracted to when they re-connected in their mid-twenties. He says he used to have social anxiety due to being a victim of an armed robbery. Because of this, when he reconnected with this woman, he kept her at arms length due to his social anxiety. This created a strong attraction on her part, without him understanding how his unavailability caused her to like him more. However, once he started to like her, he over-pursued to the extreme. He ended up getting a court order to not contact her, and later served three months in jail when he posted something on Facebook about her. Since finding my work, he is now dating two women who are all over him. The crazy thing is, the woman has rescinded her stalking order and wants to see him now! He asks my opinion on what he should do. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
This is partially a testimonial about how to completely screw up 80% initial attraction, and it’s partially a question. I’m 25 years old now, and when I was 21, this girl I was highly attracted to in high school started talking to me again. She always wanted to hang out with me from the very first moment we started communicating. I never wanted to, or rather, I would always tell her I was busy. This was actually true as I was going after my purpose, and nothing would stop me. This and my time being unavailable really turned her on. Little did she know, I had social anxiety due to not spending time with anyone in years, after being a victim of an armed robbery and developing severe PTSD. (That is a traumatic thing and can have a negative effect on your life.) Anyway, she continued to chase me for two years.
During those two years, she probably asked me to hang out with her 15 different times. She always wanted to spend Christmas Eve with me and spend my birthday with me. (At that point, she was definitely into you.) I told her I had too much work to do, and on weekends, I mostly caught up on sleep. This was true, but like I said, my social anxiety and PTSD was also a factor. Of course, I could have found time to meet her on a Saturday night. About two years after we started talking again, I finally came over to her place. The way she looked into my eyes, it was obvious she had some sort of image of me as a dominant alpha male built up in her mind. This was after two years of me being unavailable. (Without realizing it, you were doing everything right. You have to treat all women the same, especially the ones you really like, because when guys meet women they’re really into, they tend to put them on a pedestal and treat them like a celebrity, because they don’t want to screw it up. When a woman starts to sense a guy’s a little too nice and compliant, she’s going to start to test and see what she can get away with. When she sees weakness, she may treat him like a doormat.) The first time I came over, she pulled something out of her purse and said, “Do you know they make chocolate flavored birth control?” I mean, does it get any easier than that Corey? I was oblivious and clueless. She wanted me very badly, and she had a choice of many different guys. I was the quintessential, dominant alpha male in her eyes, and I didn’t even know it. I’m sure you know where it goes from here. I got really into her, and over the next few weeks began chasing. She blocked me on Facebook, but not on her cell phone. She then gave me another chance after I went no contact for three weeks, but I immediately started over pursuing again. (I see a lot of guys doing that. Guys will back off after screwing up, and then as soon as the girl reaches out, they go back to doing what got them rejected. It’s so critically important to get to know my book, to read it and to practice it. If you don’t practice it, your skills won’t be any better when she reaches out again.) She wasn’t receptive to making definite dates anymore. I continued to pursue for two months, I probably sent her 20 texts and I left her 3 long voicemails about how I was really into her. (If you tell a girl how much you like her over and over again, it will have no effect on their attraction level.) I acted needy, not fun and playful, and that’s what initially drove her away.
She eventually placed a no-contact order on me, and I never did call or text her again. However, I started posting on Facebook about her, and that got me in trouble with the law. The District Attorney interpreted that as contacting her. I got a felony for STALKING her and fortunately only did 3 months in jail. It could have been much worse. I’m dating two girls right now, and she recently had the no-contact order removed and has tried sending me messages. Funny how that works. I haven’t responded yet. I still have really strong feelings for her, and she’s smoking hot, but she can’t know that I still feel that way. (Dude, you spent three months in jail on a fucking felony. If I were you, I wouldn’t do it. She fucked up an opportunity to see you. I would block her number. You must resist the urge. You never know what she might do if she got pissed off again.) I was thinking of telling her, “I’m dating two other girls right now, but I guess I have room to date another.” (Don’t do it dude.) I want to feel chased like she chased me for the first two years. I want her to feel like she has to compete with these other two girls I’m dating to win me back. (Let silence be your answer.) You did say women like a challenge, right? Is that the proper way to go about this? (No, the proper way to go about this is to block her fucking number and contact your attorney and let him know she’s trying to contact you again.) I know Corey, that you would probably never let a girl like her back into your life, but I’ve known her since I was 14, and to be honest, I’ve always loved her. (Come on man.) I only started dating other women to try and forget about her anyway, (The idea is to find somebody better and improve your skills. She had her chance, and she fucked up), since I didn’t think she would return, but she has. Since learning what you’ve taught, dating has been easy, and once a woman has experienced me in bed, she begins begging to be exclusive. I just wish I found your work a couple years ago and saved myself all this legal trouble. (Do yourself a favor, and save yourself from more legal trouble. It’s not fucking worth it.)
Thanks for all your help Corey. You aren’t just saving men’s dating lives, but you are saving them from jail or even prison time. Pursuing love is feminine behavior; a man should only be pursuing his purpose in life and nothing else. I hope this email helps to show other people how dangerous pursuing a woman can be.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When strong romantic feelings develop in people, they sometimes do emotionally irrational things in order to obtain the love and affection of someone they desire. When a man does not have a strong sense of his own self-worth and emotional self-control, this usually will put him into a fearful state. Fear of loss is a powerful motivator. This leads to men trying to compensate for what they feel they lack on the inside, by trying to force things with women they desire. They call too much, try too hard and generally allow themselves to become doormats and submissive in a delusional attempt to please women and win their affection. This actually repulses and often scares women, because the men become feminine and act like stalkers. Dating is like tennis. Men should extend their invitations and give women the space and time to accept or reject them outright. If a woman does not make you feel wanted and lacks enthusiasm about spending time with you, never grovel, beg or plead. Have the guts and inner strength to let go, walk away forever and keep searching until you find someone who values what you have to offer. If you want women to desire and respect you, then you must act like you are worthy, instead of trying to prove you are worthy. Truth is self-evident. It needs no explanation. It simply is.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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