Overcoming Neediness: Finding The Balance Between Pursuing Too Much & Not Enough

How to overcome neediness by finding the balance between pursuing too much & not enough.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about a year and read 3% Man, 5 times so far. He struggles with being needy and clingy. He’s totally head over heals in love for his girl who isn’t as much into him due to too much unattractive behavior he’s displayed. He’s gotten better, but is still frustrated his relationship is not where he wants it to be because she simply doesn’t feel the same way despite telling him what to do to improve things, but he often does the opposite. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Overcoming Neediness: Finding The Balance Between Pursuing Too Much & Not Enough.”

Well, this particular email, this guy’s been following my work for about a year, and he’s still only read 3% Man about five times so far. And he’s really struggling with being needy and clingy. He’s totally head over heels in love with this girl, but she’s not as into him as he is into her. And the reality is, they say all the time women like you more if it’s the other way around. Women like you more if they think that they’re way more into you, than you are into them. Why?

Because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And this guy’s problem is his feelings are not only are they too clear, but on top of that, he’s displaying all kinds of unattractive, needy behavior. He’s gotten better, but he’s still frustrated that the relationship is not where he wants it to be. Even despite the fact his girlfriend actually tells him what to do to turn things around. And yet he’s still kind of does the opposite.

So again, he’s following me for about a year, and he’s still only been through The Book five times. So that tells me he’s cherry picking and he’s being lazy because most people tend to major in minor things. And so that’s the first thing that jumps out at me. A whole year trying to turn things around. He’s barely got through The Book five times.

So if you take this book a physical or a digital copy of it and you listen to the audiobook on 2X, you can get through the whole Book in four hours. So this guy is, he’s going through all this struggle in his relationship, and part of the biggest part of the reasons why is, he just doesn’t know The Book backwards and forwards. And it’s really going to be hard to do things right.

Especially when you know, just imagine all the time that this guy spends watching TV or movies and where he’s consuming dysfunctional archetypes that, whether he realizes it or not, propagandize him and program and emotionally anchor him to dysfunctional ways of being and thinking as a man.

So he’s consuming more content that brainwashes him into acting unattractive than he does spending with work like mine, like my Book, and learning it so he can really cause his girlfriend to fall head over heels in love and stop being in a constant state of fear because it’s not a good place for a man to be long term. It’s nerve wracking.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach, 

I started following you a year ago and read your book 5 times so far. I thought I had it all figured out but boy was I wrong. 

It was like I say right in the beginning of The Book. Read it 10 to 15 times. I say it constantly in my videos. And you don’t listen to me. And then you’re shocked that you don’t have this all figured out. All I can do is suggest if you don’t want to listen because you’re a lazy ass. Well, all the pain you experience and feel in your relationship, well, that’s on you because you’re lazy. Your laziness and your low standards are causing you pain, so, maybe now’s a good time to change that.

In all my past relationships I never got what I needed in terms of fulfillment, so I was always a borderline dick. However, in my current relationship I’m finding myself in a predicament where I have this girl that I’m head over heels for. The sex is amazing, her personality is a 10, she is intelligent, and our conversations always have me longing for more. 

So his girlfriend has all the power and oftentimes he probably makes her the man in the relationship. And he’s driven by fear because he just hasn’t taken the time to really learn The Book.

We’ve been together for 2 years now and at first her attraction was 9-10. She was always chasing me and craving my attention. She even told me when things started going back that I used to have her completely wrapped around my fingers. The last six months, however, have been bad. I’ve gotten complacent and we had a series of bad incidents (fights or fuck ups from my side) about once a month.

Again. You’ve been a shitty student, so, this is not surprising. This is very predictable. You overcame some of your bad behavior, but not all of it. And so your laziness is causing you to continue to make the same mistakes, and it’s causing you pain because you don’t know when to move forward and you don’t know when to back off.

It’s at a point now where she’s saying she needs space.

So that means you’re calling too much or pursuing too much. You’re texting too much, you’re smothering her. You’re making her feel like you care way more about her than she does about you. I mean, the fact you’ve been following me for a year and your girl is saying she needs space and you’re over pursuing, and you can’t see that, that’s on you.

We’re engaged but she’s having doubts, etc. One of the biggest issues we had was with her going out at nights with her friends and me reacting negatively to that a couple of times. 

Well, the reason she’s going out with her friends and partying is because she’s not as attracted to you. She’s not sure that you’re the right guy for her. Remember, women only care about how they feel about you, not what a great dude you are. And she’s probably going out with her friends because she likes talking to and meeting other guys because she’s not completely committed to your relationship.

And on top of that, you got engaged to a girl that just wasn’t that into you. Now again, this is on you. Because you’re the leader. You’re the one with the penis, hopefully. And you’re not doing your job properly. You’re acting too insecure, too needy, and too unsure of yourself. And you’re smothering her. Remember, as Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

When she started backing off, I doubled down on pursuing.

Which is exactly what The Book tells you not to do. But you did it anyway.

I reflect now and I see how needy and clingy I came off. She even said she felt smothered and needed time to process things and miss me. She was literally giving me the playbook on how to fix things. 

Yep. But was he listening? No, because he was only focused on how much he liked her.

I’ve finally started to implement what you’ve been preaching. I stopped chasing her. I let her do 95% of the reaching out. I’ll see a week of her being very into me and then all of a sudden, the weekend comes around and she’s back to being cold.

Again. That’s women being like kitty cats. And probably you’re still displaying unattractive behavior, but you don’t know what you’re doing that’s unattractive because you’ve only been through The Book barely five times, because you’re trying to cherry pick and half ass this. How does all the pain that you feel, how is that helping you in your life? This is a direct result of you being lazy and unwilling to really learn what you need to learn. I mean, you’ve been following me for a year, and you just recently started to implement what The Book teaches.

And so if she gets a little cold, it’s the same analogy as the kitty cat sitting in your lap and you’re petting it and it’s purring and it’s really happy to be there. But then at some point the kitty cat gets tired, it gets bored, it gets up, and it leaves your lap. And instead of you just letting it be, you freak out and chase after it, instead of just letting it come back to you. You’re taking your girl’s mood swings personally, as if they all have 100% something to do with you, when oftentimes it’s just the way women are.

They spend a lot of time with you. They get real familiar and then they’re going to back off. And especially if you haven’t reacted too well in the past to her backing off, she’s going to naturally do this to see how you react. Just because she doesn’t trust your masculine core, because of all the weakness that you’ve displayed in the past.

I try to make plans but she always responds with “maybe we can do Friday or Saturday” and she feels pressured if I try to push back on making definite plans. 

Well, if she gives you a “Maybe Friday or Saturday”, then go make plans and do something else, just say, “Well, I got friends that want to hang out this weekend, and if you’re not sure, I’ll just make plans with them and maybe next week and we can get together.” You got to be willing to go do something else without her, but you take it as the end of the world. If you don’t see your girl this weekend, just being busy and going and doing things with other people and being unavailable to her, because again, she’s basically saying, “Maybe Friday or maybe Saturday”, but she won’t make definite plans. If she gives you something like that, then make plans Friday and Saturday to go do something with your friends.

And if she waits till Friday to say, “Oh, I can see you Saturday, just say, sorry babe, I’d love to, but I already made plans. Oh, I was like, hey man, I’m a busy man. I’m in demand. My friends want to see me. My family wants to see me. I got to say hello to my mom. You know, it’s like, when I asked you earlier in the week, you were unsure and you didn’t really sound that excited or that your schedule was going to be open. So I made other plans. You got to strike while the iron’s hot, babe. But you know what? I can make some time for you Tuesday evening.” Or find out when she’s free and then just make the next date.

The last time we hung out we had sex and afterwards said to me “that was just physical, you need to earn the intimacy back” and then later said that having sex with me made her feel confused because she still hasn’t processed everything. A week after that, I came by to drop off her kid (after she asked me to help with watching it while she wrapped up work) and I put up a mirror (which I told her I would do months ago and never followed through with it).

Yeah, you got to be a man of your word, dude. You can’t say one thing and do another, otherwise they’re just not going to trust your masculine core. You need to be reliable and dependable and you can’t do that shit with women. It doesn’t go over well.

When I walked in with the tool box she was caught off guard (in a good way) and after I put up the mirror she was all over me. She even said “when I buy things I always think about where to put it in your house. 

Yeah. So when you told her you were going to put up the mirror months ago and never did it, that’s just unattractive behavior. It’s little things like that. It’s like death by a thousand paper cuts. You say one thing, you do another. It’s not one particular thing you’re doing wrong. It’s a whole host of things. And again, you’re not seeing it because you’ve barely got through The Book five times in a year.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Read The Book and fill in your knowledge gap and stop all the unattractive behavior. Because you’re still displaying a lot of it.

She is reluctant to commit to hanging out regularly.

Then make plans with other people. This is right out of The Book, dude.

And on the weekends she’s been doing her own thing (sometimes not even staying at her place) and I can’t even address it without making her feel like I’m being pushy/controlling again. How can I best gauge her level of interest and keep my mind from wandering in the “cold” periods. I’m terrified of losing her. 

Thanks for everything you do. Any help would be much appreciated. 

Best, 

Bob

So at the end of the day, because the other thing that might be troubling, we don’t know what she’s doing on the weekends. I mean, it seems like she kind of acts like she’s single with her girlfriends and wants to go out bar hopping or whatever. So that tells me she’s probably talking to other dudes. And why she’s talking to other dudes? Because she doesn’t think things are going to work out with you. And after two years of being together, it’s only recently that you’ve after following me for a whole year, half of your relationship, you’re just now getting around to applying what’s in The Book.

You’re seeing some better results, but because you don’t really know The Book backwards and forwards and you’re terrified of losing her, you’re still displaying a lot of unattractive behavior. The fact that she’s still asking for space now, that’s not good. Women ask for space after two years together, I mean, you’re like on the edge of getting dumped. So you’re going to have to back off, Dude. You got to let this woman come to you and just make dates. And if she tries to tell you that her schedule is up in the air, then just go make plans and do something else. Be unavailable that weekend.

You want her to be the one frustrated that she can’t see you. Because again, the other thing is, we don’t really know what she’s doing on the weekends or what she’s up to. That might mean that she’s not trustworthy at all. And you’re still in the vetting process. And it sounds like I thought he said they’re engaged. Yeah. They’re engaged. I mean, you’re engaged to a woman. You don’t even know if you can trust her. I mean, again, getting engaged when your relationship has been like, this is just stupid. You should have never done it. It was not in the place where it warranted that.

But you’ve been totally focused on your interest in her. So I would just let her be. If you ask her when she’s free on the weekend and she gives you a wishy washy answer, then just go make plans with other people. Go see your family. Go away for the weekend with your friends. Go do something. And if you’re busy with them. And then she says, “Oh, hey, I’m available Saturday.” Like, “Oh, I’m sorry, babe. I’m not. I got plans with the boys or I’m going to see my parents. But if you’re coming back later, you can come over later tonight. Like around 11:30, 12 when I get home.”

Just say “Text me around 11 or whatever, and I’ll let you know what time exactly I’m going to be back and you can come over and we can hang out and you can sit in my lap and we’ll see what pops up.” That’s all you got to do. You’re like, right there in the cusp of applying what’s in The Book properly and get you to come back to you, but you just started after a year of following me. You just now started implementing what’s in The Book. So you got to clean up your game, man. It’s got to be tight.

You can’t be sloppy like this. And then be shocked that you’re, in essence, begging her to spend time with you. The power dynamic is completely flipped. If she’s not excited to spend time with you, if she’s not excited to make a date with you, then withdraw the offer. If you say, “hey, I want to see you this week.” And she’s like, “I don’t know, maybe Saturday or Friday.” I was like, “well, which day”? Or “I don’t know, don’t pressure me.”

It was like, “no problem, we can maybe next weekend we can get together or just get in touch when you figure out your schedule and then go make plans with other people.” And if she gets back to you. “Oh, hey, I can see you Saturday.” He’s like, “sorry, babe, I made plans.” “What do you mean you made plans?” He’s like, “I asked you earlier in the week, and you made it sound like your weekend was busy. And, you know, I got things going on in my life too. I got friends that want to see me. I got family that wants to see me. And you couldn’t be bothered to make time with me. And then you gave me a hard time saying, I’m being controlling or I’m being difficult or I’m being pushy.”

“It’s like, no, it’s okay if you’re not excited to see me, if your fiancée asks you out for a date and you’re like, ah, I don’t know, I’ll have to get back to you, it’s like, well, obviously you’re not that excited about seeing me. So my mom has been complaining. I ain’t spending enough time with her. So I’m going to go see my family and maybe we can get together next week. And then maybe your schedule will be a little more open next weekend.”

And let her be the one worrying about where she stands. It’s like you’re just too easy or too available. You’re too soft. She pushes you around and it’s like you put your life on hold, waiting for her, you’re doing the opposite of what The Book teaches. I mean, I can see you’re just now starting to implement it, but you follow me for a whole year, and you just now start trying to apply what’s in it. And you barely got through The Book five times. It’s just this is all on you for being lazy. So all I can do is suggest and gently lead.

But if you want to keep beating your head against the wall and trying the same approach, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. I would think after two years of this, especially being engaged to this girl, and you don’t really know what she’s doing on the weekends or who she’s doing it with, she stays over. She could be fucking other guys and you have no idea. You just don’t know what’s going on.

And so even if you apply what’s in The Book and she comes back and she’s head over heels in love with you, and you start spending a lot of time together, you still got to figure out what’s been going on in this period of time while she’s been away and been cold and distant. And maybe that means kind of going through her phone and looking at some of her texts because again, it’s like you don’t really know what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with or what she’s up to.

You’re planning on marrying her, you’re engaged, and she’s kind of it seems like a lot of times acting like she’s still a free agent and keeping her options open. So I wouldn’t be such a rush to put to marry this particular girl. Even though you’ve already gotten engaged, you’ve still got some work to do, vetting wise, because you don’t know if this girl’s been loyal to you or not. You don’t know what the hell’s been going on. So you better pull your head out of your ass, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.