The proper mindset required to overcome relationship failures, insecurities and self doubt.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who is on his 3rd read of 3% Man. He has 2 failed marriages and has realized much of his relationship failures were due to his inability to remain in his masculine consistently. He’s very successful, except when it comes to his fear of losing women. The 2nd email is from a guy who went out on a date with a girl who slid into his DM’s. However, she brought some friends and he ended up hooking up with her even hotter girlfriend.
He thought everything went great, but during the morning walk of shame, she was cold, her demeanor had changed and made him feel unwelcome in her home. He has another date with her set up, but he’s still disturbed how their connection was so good the night before and non-existent in the morning. He wonders if it was the alcohol and not really him being charming. Both guys are struggling with validating their self esteem upon the approval and acceptance of others. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
Both of these emails bring up an issue that, quite frankly, most people tend to have and often don’t really realize it.
What happens is, we determine or we place the conditions upon our happiness in being dependent upon the love or acceptance of other people. When you rely on other people behaving or reacting in the way you expect, you often are going to be disappointed.
As a human being, as men, even women for that matter, as human beings, we all have to get to a point where the happiness that we have comes from inside. In other words, I think Wayne Dyer used to say,, “There is no way to happiness. Happiness IS the way.”
In other words, we’re the ones that determine what things mean to us. We give the circumstances and the events of our lives. We give it its meaning. Most people often times are going to put a dis-empowering meaning on the things that are happening in life, and obviously both of these guys are having women in their lives not react or behave the way they expected them or wanted them to. Therefore, it’s having a negative effect on their self perception, their self esteem and how they feel about themselves, because everything is perception. Perception is reality.
Whatever happens in life, whatever meanings we give it, we can choose to be excited about it, just like things don’t go well. I mean, last night- I’m obviously a Miami Heat fan because I grew up in South Florida, and they lost last night- The one thing that I see is with the Heat, I saw it last year with the Florida Panthers, and I also saw it with Florida Atlantic University. You see teams, they get to the finals and then they just collapse. That last three quarters of the game, three quarters of the finals, there’s a disconnect. Something happens there.
It reminds me, I saw an interview and if you guys remember back when Dwayne Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh all came together to form a super team, if you will, the Miami Heat back in the 2010 to 2014, basically. After that, that first season, they were playing the Mavericks and in the Finals. You could just tell and you could even watch the body language. Like LeBron was looking around and he’s like, waiting for somebody else to bail him out. To come and save the day, if you will.
In every team, there’s got to be somebody that’s the guy. That’s the man, the guy that takes the keys. Like Michael Jordan, he was the man. When Bill Russell was playing, the great Bill Russell, the greatest of all time, he was the man. He took over a game. When Shaq was playing or Kobe was playing, when the Chips were down, they took over the game and they made things happen.
Just like Larry Bird. He took over the game when it was required. Magic Johnson. It’s like those great players, those players that go to the next level and win the championship. There’s always somebody that, because the word lead means to go first, that throws a team on his back, says, “Come with me, we’re going to do this together,” and he makes everybody believe it’s possible.
So when you watch the 2010 finals, it’s like LeBron, Wade, they’re all like looking at each other. “Somebody do something. Somebody save our season. Somebody make this victory happen.” So I remember seeing an interview that after the season was over, Dwyane Wade went to LeBron and he says, “You know, in order for us to accomplish the goals that we set together, you got to be the guy.” And LeBron says, “You want me to take the keys?” And he says, “Yes.” In other words, LeBron’s got to be the guy that leads the team to the Promised Land.
Obviously the next year, when they went to the finals, they won. Then they had a repeat and then they lost that fourth year, but I saw the same thing last night. Jimmy Butler is a great player. He’s the man. He’s the dog. He’s supposed to be the guy that gets the team over the finish line, and in that last, I mean, he had some great spurts at the end there, but when it really mattered most in those final few minutes, he kind of became the invisible man. You just see his body language. It’s like he was waiting for somebody to come bail him out instead of being the guy that just absolutely dominates and takes over a game that crushes the other team’s belief.
What you want to do is you want to make the other team believe like, “Oh man, we can’t beat these guys.” Like this past year, because obviously Florida Atlantic University went to the Final Four, and I saw the same thing. Like they were doing great that first half. Then they were all looking around for somebody to take over and nobody did, and they lost. I saw the same thing last year, especially the Panthers team. This year they’ve got, what’s his name? Tkachuk, and he’s the man.
They might come up sometimes and he’s going around to the other guys in the team telling them what to do, giving them pep talks. If they’re going to win this year, because they’re playing in tonight, but they’re on the verge of being eliminated as well, they can’t lose any more games, but it’s going to be on him.
So they got further this year than they did last year, because they got that leader. As disappointing as it was to see Jimmy Butler kind of disappear in those final minutes because he had some great moments, like he’s got to be the guy. He’s got to be LeBron James. He’s got to be Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant. There’s got to be somebody that takes over the game and just dominates, because when everybody else sees that your top guy is dominating, it makes it easier for everybody else. When your top guy disappears in the final minutes and everybody’s looking at each other like, “Somebody’s got to handle this.”
It boils down to self perception, what you believe you are capable of. There was a very famous game that Michael Jordan was playing, I don’t know if it was the early 90s or it was still the 80s, but he had the flu. He had a bad fever and the finals weren’t going well or the game wasn’t going well, he just played unbelievably. He had like one of his best games ever, even though he was absolutely miserable, had the flu, felt like crap. They literally kind of carried him off the court after the game was over because he was just so spent, but it was a game of mental toughness. As the late, great Richard Marcinko, who was the founder of Seal Team Six, said is that, “You’ve got to have testicular fortitude,” and obviously, that was lacking last night.
I’m curious to see tonight, is Tkachuk going to show up and lead the team to the Promised Land? Are they going to come back like they’ve done the whole series or are they going to poof? Are they going to vanish? Is the leader of the team going to vanish when it matters most?
Everything is a mindset in life and especially when it comes to your success with women and the opposite sex, is because the number one most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence. When your confidence evaporates and they’re able to diminish you, you’re no longer the leader they can depend upon. Then that’s when things start to come apart, because you are supposed to be the leader. So the key is managing your state or as Tom Brady would say, “Getting yourself right emotionally after something has gone sideways,” because it’s always going sideways in life or business. That’s the way life is.
As Andy Andrews said, “You’re either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or headed for a crisis.” That’s life. We have to learn to get ourselves right emotionally when shit has just gone absolutely sideways, when we were hoping things were going to turn out differently.
Therefore, you can’t place your happiness, just like I can’t place my happiness on the Miami Heat being champions or the Panthers becoming champions, or the Miami Dolphins for that matter, having a great season and going to the Super Bowl and winning. Most of the time, you’re going to be disappointed. I mean, the last time the Miami Dolphins went to the Super Bowl I was in ninth grade. It was back when you had David Woodley one year and then the next year was Dan Marino. It was like his first season and everyone’s like, “Oh, he’ll be back next year,” and they never went again. So it’s definitely something to think about.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve purchased your book (3rd time reading through heading into 4th) and have spent considerable time listening to your podcasts. My story was two failed marriages (one I left because of her abuse and the other because she has sex addiction and unable to be monogamous)…
Well, character is destiny. Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. That’s part of the vetting process. Does this woman keep her word? Does she say what she means and mean what she says, or is she a bullshit artist?
I am not a big fan of bullshit artists, but there’s a lot of them out there. In other words, if you want to accomplish what you set out to do, your dream, your grandiose goals and dreams and reach your full potential, just like when D-Wade went to LeBron, “You got to take the keys to this team. You got to lead us to the Promised Land. You got to be the guy. I will subordinate my skills to you and you will be the man.” Somebody has got to take the leadership role and bring it home, if you will.
If you’re trying to build a great team, you’ve got to make sure the people that are on your team have similar goals, similar values, similar character. In this case, he was with a woman who was just incapable of being faithful. You can be the best boyfriend in the world. I had an email a couple of weeks ago. This guy’s game was tight, but he was just with a girl who when she’s not happy, she’s going to invite attention from other men. That’s just who she is. He can’t fix that.
You just have to understand as a man, those are the girls for fun. The fuck buddy, friends with benefits, the hookup girls, the party girls. You hook up a few times and then you’re on to somebody else.
If you’re looking to have a family or somebody that’s loyal and faithful, you’re not going to do with a party girl. Party girls are fun. Party girls are to help you feel good about yourself, to help you develop your skills, to get good in the bedroom, to get good with women, but you don’t try to wife up a hoe. You just don’t.
…10 years of no dating to raise kids, then getting into a committed relationship with a women many have called a “true narcissist.” Then getting dumped after 6 months.
I’ve finally come to recognize my absolute failures in being in my masculine with this last woman and recognize that it actually said something about this woman as she did try to help me learn how to treat a woman, how to seduce a woman and most importantly what behaviors turn off a woman.
Well, us guys are very egocentric. Especially when it comes to women, we don’t want to admit that we had a problem. I remember back in the day, back when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, and I was this close to things really clicking for me. There were books and things that I was reading. I remember Doc Love’s The System, was one of them. I would have things wrapped around that because I was so embarrassed, I didn’t want anybody to see what I was reading. I didn’t want to get questioned. I didn’t want to admit that I, at the time, needed help with women.
For those of you guys that have recommended 3% Man to your friends and family, this thing will help you out. It’s like, most of the time, people will not take you up on it. They won’t listen. They won’t be interested. That’s why the title is 3% Man, because most people major in minor things. Most guys are just simply not willing to do what it takes to be successful.
In this case, this woman is trying to help this guy, but his ego wouldn’t let him take anything she said. On the flip side, nine times out of 10 when a woman gives you advice about dating or relationships, it’s the wrong thing to do.
In this case here, she’s in a relationship. She’s telling him what she liked and it sailed over his head. It didn’t click for him until obviously now that he’s read my book. It takes this guy having all these failures and things not going well where he’s like, “OK, I’ve tried it my way and it’s not working. I’ve not gotten the results I wanted. I’ve got to do something different. I got to change my approach.” That’s part of what successful people do, is they recognize when their approach is not working and then they become open to learning new things.
Just like I talked about in Mastering Yourself, when it came to marketing and figuring out how to do the business that I do now, I had to unlearn everything that made me successful in real estate and advertising it on TV, because it was a different product, completely different price point and expensive advertising is just not worthwhile when you’re trying to sell a $30 book.
You got to sell lots and lots of books. You got to reach a lot of people and it’s just too expensive to do that through advertising, but with content marketing, when you’re giving away good, valuable information, that builds a lot of goodwill and eventually those people become clients when they see good results in their own life.
She literally tried to help me be a 3% man without really knowing how to teach it. Now that I’m studying your work and learning how to implement it with new women I’m dating and seeing success, I still have to battle insecurities about how much of a failure I was with my ex-girlfriend.
At the end of the day dude, you don’t have a time machine. You can’t fix that, and quite frankly, it took all those failures for you to finally go hit the wall, metaphorically, so to speak, and really recognize and admit to yourself that, “My approach is flawed. Something’s not working here.” It was only then that you actually became open to reading a book like 3% Man. Now you’re changing your approach.
What’s going to undo those insecurities is successful repetitions. This is the process of what happens when somebody comes to my work. They start applying it and they go, “Wow, I’m getting better results. Her interest is going up instead of down the longer I date her.” For most guys, dating women they really like, that’s always been their experience. She was into them at first, then after a few weeks she was done and they could never get a straight answer why and never connect the dots and figure it out.
I mean, I literally could be the poster child on how not to be with a woman, how to be fucking wimpy, needy, whiny little boy needing a mommy.
I mean, to be fair, your parents did the best they could with where they were at. The good news is, as a man, you finally recognize that your method was flawed. I mean, I got dudes in their 70s that are learning this stuff for the first time. So if you’re watching this, that means you’re still alive. It means you still got time. You’re still here, and if you’re still here, it means you still got more work to do and you have an opportunity to do that work on yourself. What you need is successful repetitions. As Aristotle said, “Excellence is not a singular act. It’s a habit. You are what you do repeatedly.”
So this guy had a lifetime of doing things wrong, and it took doing things wrong and failing for a lot of years, a lot of decades, before he finally realized, “What I’m doing just ain’t working. I got to do something different. I got to change my approach.” Then once he became open to it, boom, he comes across me, he starts implementing and he’s like, “Wow, I’m getting better results now.”
You have to build upon this. Not only do you have to read the book, but you got to apply it with the women that you’re dating and you’re getting involved with and your interactions with other human beings, because the more you can experience in your own life, the patterns in human behavior that I talk about in my book, the more you’re going to grow your confidence.
So what happens is your body of work, if you will, increases your successes, increases your history of success, increases while the amount of failures you’re now currently having continues to decrease. That’s what’s going to build your confidence over time. You’ve got to give yourself permission to be a beginner and to take your time and learn this stuff.
The good news is you can read my books and you can watch my videos, and literally in a matter of months or a few years, you can completely transform your life. Whereas this is the kind of stuff I didn’t even really get or click with until I was in my early 30s, and I’ve been studying self-help since I was a kid. So I spent multiple decades learning this stuff. Then putting it down into a book where somebody like Logan, who you probably seen some of the podcast, the young 19-year-old guy from California, a guy like that can read it and learn, he’s very smart, and pick it up, go out and apply it and get repeatable results.
The reality is that even with success, I still worry that I could fall into the same patterns of being the anti-3% man. Besides just continually reading and studying your book are there other books or seminars you would suggest to help build a man from a mommy-needing boy to a real man?
Well, you need successful repetitions, so you’ve got to be applying it. Just sitting, reading books and not applying is not going to help you get better. Actually taking what you learn in the book, that’s why I say read it 10-15 times, and then go out and apply it, because you need successes. You need successful repetitions. You need to do more of that, not just sit back and read a bunch of books and then expect your life to magically change.
So the books that are recommended in 3% Man or on the recommended reading on my website, those are great books to help you, but the most important thing is you got to read 3%, Man 10-15 times and apply it and get used to seeing it work. That’s going to be what’s going to take to build your confidence so you can leave the old you behind and embrace the new you. We were never taught these things, and the teachers don’t know it. Psychologists and therapists don’t know this stuff. They don’t study it. It’s just not part of their wheelhouse. It’s not their skill set.
As a man, you got to find the answers. The good news with the internet and YouTube, I didn’t have all this stuff back in the day. I had to learn all this shit on my own the hard way, trial and error, and only had a handful of people at the time that really said things that made sense and work, because most of the books that were out there on dating and relationships were garbage.
It’s like the stuff that’s out there now, I go and read it and I go, “Oh wow, that dude obviously read my book,” and of course, I’m not even mentioned here like he just figured all this out himself. I see my own words in their books and they still don’t even mention where they learned a lot of this stuff, but that’s life.
Just so you know, I’m a highly successful world renowned scientist, who mountain bikes, gravel races, surfs, weight lifts and is in top physical shape. I’m more than happy to beat the shit out of any guy that threatens me or my girl so being fearful is not my style… Only fearful of losing a girl.
Well, if you live in New York, look at that poor guy, that former Marine. This homeless, derelict drug addict was threatening people and women on there and he put them in a chokehold. Then of course, you get the news and the media go after him. Now the guy is getting prosecuted. So even when you are a good guy or you live in a blue state and you use a gun to defend yourself, those far left DA’s will prosecute you and then they let the criminals out.
That’s part of what Marxism is. You leave the criminals in the street and then you always got, “Oh, we got to fix this problem. We got all this criminal activity. Just need to give up more of your freedoms, give me more control, and then I’ll fix it for you,” and of course, they never do until they got all the power. Then you end up with Vladimir Putin and the Mafia Elite or the Xi Jinping and the Sicilian Mafia running your country or Maduro and you can’t get rid of them. You’re stuck with them and you’re disarmed.
There was a video that was out yesterday, if you ever study history like you look at World War II and this is pretty graphic, but during World War II, they had groups of troops that if the front defense lines folded and everybody started to retreat it and run it back, they would mow their own troops down to prevent them from retreating.
There was a video, I haven’t seen if it’s been authenticated, but it looks pretty authentic, drone footage. You got about 8 or 10 Russians that are running for their lives because their lines collapsed. Then you have a bunch of other Russians that come out and just murdered them in cold blood because they didn’t want them retreating to their lines.
That’s what happens with collectivism. You’re a drone that’s disposable. With individualism, there was a lot of stuff in the news about a bunch of Bradleys. They got Bradley fighting vehicles that got blown up over there in the counteroffensive, and most of the guys survived those hits. That’s the important thing. That’s the difference.
With the Russian tanks, they have the auto-loader, and the gunner is basically sitting on top of all the ammunition. When those tanks get hit and a round goes inside, all the ammunition tends to detonate. It kills the whole crew. That’s why they call them the pop-tots, because the big turret goes flying up in the air. I mean, some of these explosions, it’s amazing how high these multi-ton turrets get flung into the air. In our tanks, in western tanks, the individual life is precious.
All lives are precious. Therefore, we spend enormous amounts of money and R&D in making vehicles that when they get hit or they get blown up or they get struck by a rocket or a missile, anti-tank missile, the crew can survive. Then you just give them a new piece of equipment and they’re right back in the fight. Whereas in Russia, they’re just dead. Anyways, I digress.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Have an amazing story to tell you.
First things first, thanks for the amazing content you provide for us gentlemen. I sent an email a couple weeks ago about a girl I wanted to break up with. Update, I did it! Went back to dating apps and starting hanging out with my friends again. I’m hoping my email isn’t too long for you but I’ve had an issue I hope you can make a video about.
So I’m 22, starting a new job at a bank in July, and moving to my own place. I’ve been meeting up with and impressing a lot of women and I ended up going to a bar with this girl that slid up on a story inviting me out for drinks.
So she slid into your DM’s. Nice.
Last minute she tells me she’s bringing a close friend and a guy.
You’re like, “Oh, maybe she knows you or knows of you.” This is such an interesting turn of events here. The way this turns out, it’s not like you expect.
I assumed that it was her attempt at doing a double date, but when I got there I found out the guy was gay, and the friend was much hotter.
Oh, that’s a nice bonus.
Her friend was so attractive and started to ask me random questions throughout the night one-on-one like, “What do you like to do in your free time?” (high interest)…
So you’ve got two girls there and one homosexual guy. Well I mean, if you count the gay dude, then technically they got three girls interested in him. One of them just happens to be a gay man, but the odds are in his favor. He’s got the one he’s going on the date with and her friend who’s hotter and she starts hitting on him. So I wonder after all this, maybe the friend that slid into his DM’s was just trying to make an introduction. I don’t know, but it’s interesting.
…And we had so much in common. She would randomly start convos with me and even gave me her phone to put my number in it. I tried not to let her lead so much but she just kept making the moves on me, so I felt pretty good about it.
It’s like as I talk about in 3% Man, with that Adam Carolla quote. He says, “When a woman likes you, the doors open and all you got to do is just walk through them. If the doors start closing in your face and you turn around and you walk away.”
Let’s just say, I ended up talking to the girl’s friend the whole night and the connection was amazing.
The original girl who invited me ended up going home with their guy friend, and me and her friend stayed back at the bar and talked all night. Gave her and her roommate (who had met up with her there) a ride home and found a very unique and rare equal taste in music (she knew my songs!). She invited me inside, we had sex.
Well, hopefully it was good sex, because if it’s good sex and you give her plenty of orgasms, she’s going to want you to come back and do it again and again.
I’m not usually one to get nervous or not able to put up, but I will say I struggled in the beginning. It became passionate, intense.
So maybe the sex wasn’t that good.
When we were done, she was affectionate and cuddled with me until she fell asleep. But in the morning, it felt different. She didn’t kiss me good morning, didn’t look at me, and basically told me I had to get up and leave soon and to start getting ready.
It’s like the walk of shame in the morning.
We made plans to see each other again since I’m leaving town tomorrow. She said, “I’ll text you,” and didn’t give me a hug or kiss goodbye. I’m wondering if all that connection we had was really the alcohol.
Maybe it could have been she broke up with somebody. It could have been some guy she really liked dicked her over, or maybe she was just thirsty and she wanted to get some strange, and you were that guy. It doesn’t matter.
See, it’s like, already he went and got laid. Girl shows up with another girl, and he ends up going home with the other girl. Instead of patting himself on the back and saying, “Hey, that was a great experience,” he’s already like, “But she doesn’t like me.” It’s all perception. It’s all how you look at it.
Back to what I was talking about at the beginning, about getting yourself right emotionally. This should be a victory. This should be like, “This is a cool story. Can’t wait to share it with my friends. This is going to be awesome,” because when you’re that age, that’s a big part of your happiness does involve the acceptance of your peers. As you get a little older, you get into your early 30s, you don’t care so much about that, but obviously a 22-year-old dude? It’s just the natural way of things.
At the end of the day, this is a victory. You hung out, you had fun, you hooked up. You created a random opportunity for sex to happen. You show up, you meet a girl and her friend likes you more and then you end up going home with the friend. It’s just nice and smooth, but it sounds like the sex was a little rough, so maybe the sex wasn’t very good. We don’t know, but he does have a second date set up. Hopefully he’ll give us an update and we’ll find out whether or not she kept it and then how it turned out.
Yet he’s getting all down on himself. Again, it’s his perception. He’s starting to give this whole thing instead of, “Man, my game was tight. I took this girl home. I didn’t even know her.” That’s pretty impressive. Plus, there were other girls there. There were other blockers, cock blockers, if you will. Yet he was still victorious. That is a masterful job of seduction, dude.
So good job, because if at any point you would have turned her roommate off or the gay guy off or the one you originally met to go on the date with off, they could have totally torpedoed your chances.
They could have just left, said, “Hey, have a great night. Nice meeting you,” but instead you were so smooth. The girl goes home with you and now you’re looking to beat yourself up because she was a little cranky in the morning. Maybe she was hung over. Maybe someone was coming over. She could have had a boyfriend coming over. You have no idea what was going on.
The bottom line is it’s a victory and it’s a good memory, a great memory. Especially as you get older, you remember these things like, “Damn, my game was tight.” I wasn’t pulling shit off like that at 22. I was just getting started at that age, but this guy’s got a great victory like this. Like, I had no idea when I was his age, and here he is feeling down? Come on, man.
I’m trying to be strong-minded, not pursue too hard, or anything. But it really does fuck with my head a little after having such a strong connection and then feeling like she didn’t look at me the same way in the morning. I would love for you to make a video dealing with this, where the “vibe changes after first time sex.”
Like I said, the only thing that seemed to change, and he admitted, was the sex was a little off in the beginning, so maybe it wasn’t very good. Maybe you didn’t get her off. Maybe you didn’t pay attention to that, I don’t know. The fact that she was like, “Eh,” in the morning? Maybe she was cranky. It doesn’t matter.
At the end of the day dude, you got laid. You had a good time. It’s a great memory. It’s a great success. These are the kinds of things that build your confidence. You show up to go on a date with one girl, and yet you go home with a hotter girl.
OK, so you could have been better in bed, whatever. You get better next time, but he does have a second date set up, so maybe you can redeem yourself and make her cum like a waterfall. The second time around, problem will be solved. Orgasms solve a lot of problems with women, so make sure she gets hers.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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