Overcoming The Ghosts Of Relationships Past

How to overcome the ghosts of relationships past so you can have healthy relationships.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 22 year old viewer from Germany who recently got back into my work after a few years away. Everything is going really well with his current girlfriend. However, he is still haunted by the trauma and memories of an ex-girlfriend who cheated on him. He has a hard time trusting his current girlfriend and his go to reality filter perception is to assume the worst. This puts him in a state of fear of losing his girl. He asks what he can do to overcome this. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And this is another Members Only Video Newsletter. So thank you for subscribing to my Members Only Content. We very much appreciate it. So this particular email this guy’s 22. He’s from Germany. And he recently got back into my work after a few years being away from it. And he says that he’s got a really good relationship with his current girlfriend.

The only problem is, is like his last girlfriend cheated on him. And so, obviously that was very traumatic. It was difficult to deal with, and it kind of scarred him. And he still kind of dealing with ghosts from relationships past, if you will. And so, his go to reality filter or the self-perception that his automatic go-to in these cases is going to be along the lines of, “She’s probably going to cheat just like the last one.” And especially when something like that has happened.

And if it went on for a while before you found out about it, how could you not doubt yourself? How could you not doubt your ability to pay attention and notice things? So part of what he writes in and asks about, is like, “How do I get over this? My relationship is going well with my current girlfriend, but my go-to position is always to assume the worst.” And so, the first thing is awareness. Is awareness of your self-perception. Like when I attended Tony Robbins, Date with Destiny, one of the things that is a big part of that week long process he takes you through is discovering what your primary question is.

And what’s interesting is we all have a primary question, but most of us have no idea. So it’s a question that’s always going on in the back of our minds. It always asks ourselves, “What’s going on in life?” And we don’t even realize it. And for most people, their primary question is very dis-empowering. And so, he takes you through a process at date with destiny that to identify what your primary question is, and then how to re-frame it in a way that you’re aware of it. Because awareness is a big thing.

And like what I discovered is, my primary question that I had at the time was always, because no matter what success I achieved, whether it was cars or houses or money or travel or nice watches or a hot girl, whatever it was, there was always a tape in my head. And so, after everything that would happen, it would always be, “Why am I still not happy?” “I’ve got this beautiful new car. This exotic car I’ve dreamt about. Why am I still not happy? I have this amazing woman in my life. Why am I still not happy? I have this incredible business. Why am I still not happy?”

And I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it. And so, whatever you focus on, whatever you get your brain to focus on is what’s going to expand. And so, if you’re always asking yourself, “Why am I still not happy?” Subconsciously, and you don’t really even realize that little tapes playing in the back of your mind, your brain is always looking for reasons why you’re not happy. And so, in this particular case, this guy with this particular relationship, he’s always stuck on basically assuming the worst.

Assuming he’s being cheated on, he’s being dicked over, despite the fact that everything with his current girlfriend, there’s no indication at all that she’s doing anything wrong. But because of what happened in the past, he’s still dealing with that ghost, if you will, of relationship past when he was betrayed. And it’s not fair to his current girlfriend to hold her, or compare her, to the ex that dictum over. So with that said, let’s go through his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

First off, thanks for your work and the great Influence it had on my live so far!

I am a 22-year-old guy from Germany, I spend two years in the military, I’m now in the last semester of my engineering degree and currently working as an assistant of management. I discovered your work several years ago and took it very serious at the time. After the breakup with my ex-girlfriend two and a half years ago, I hooked up with over 20 girls and because I never had problems attracting girls. I lost the connection to your work in this time.

Yeah, well, when you have a lot of success, it’s easy to get lazy, get complacent. You get into a relationship, you’re happy, you’re fat and happy if you will. Stop going to the gym as much, she stops going to the gym as much. Next thing you know, you’re putting on a few pounds and you’re like, “Oo! Wow, my shirts are all getting tighter in the wrong places.” It happens. But the key is to be disciplined. The key is to recognize when you’ve kind of got off target, or off the path and get back on it. And re-discipline yourself by focusing on, “What do I have to get done today before I go to bed?” Because it’s a lifelong process.

It’s a lifelong struggle. You can give up and just be permanently lazy. Or you can realize, wow, I haven’t been to the gym in six months or three months or whatever. It’s not the end of the world. You don’t browbeat yourself up over it. You’re just like, “I just got to get back in there today. What do I got to get done today before I go to bed?” And you just pick back up. And over the decades, most people aren’t going to do that. Most people will just give up and let themselves go, especially when they get to be around my age.

You know, it’s interesting, I had a cardiologist friend who was telling me, he’s 55; because everybody comes to him when they’ve had heart problems, obviously, right. They had strokes, heart attacks, whatever. And so, I was like, “At like what percentage or like what age are people just like, fuck it. Doc.” They’re phoning it in like, “Give me the pill. I don’t give a shit about changing my diet or exercise. Just give me the pill.”

And like, what age are people like, “Oh, I need to do something about this. I got a lot to live for. What do I need to do? What diet do I need to eat? What do I how do I need to change? What do I got to exercise? Well, I got to do to fix this.” And so, he was saying, 75% of the people that are 55 and younger will want to know what to do to take better care of themselves. And then 55 and older people, it’s like 75% of those people are just like, “Just give me the pill, I don’t care.” So for whatever reason around that age, people just phone it in.

And the key is, as you go through the decades of your life, when you realize you’ve gotten off path and whatever happens to be, it could be your purpose, it could be taking care of your body, it could be your relationship. You’ve just got to recognize what happened. You got to be able to to recognize, like in this case, that you something just happened and you’re automatically going to assume the worst about your girlfriend. And if you know that you do that and it’s unfair to her, then you need to catch yourself, take a deep breath, relax, contemplate, maybe wait 24 hours before you blow up or explode, or you accuse her or something.

You just be present with it. Be present with your fears, your doubts, your insecurities. Gather more data for your analysis if you will. Take your time so you can slowly respond instead of reacting like a fucking jack in the box and just assuming the worst. Because if you’re with a good girl and you turn into a jack in the box, you’re going to freak her out and eventually chase her away. She just won’t feel safe with you.

Last year in December, I met a great girl in my university, we started dating and in February we got together. She is a great girl, good looking, very good character, loving and always fun to be around. Besides her studies she is very invested in her work with and the riding of horses. Our relationship is very loving and although we both have busy schedules; we manage to spend a lot of time together.

When we spend time, she is all over me, always wanting to kiss, cuddle and more naughty things of course. Since things got more serious, I came back to your work because I want to do everything right from the beginning. I’m currently reading your book again and listening to your audio book, still a lot of work to do to get to 10-15 times again but I’m on it.  

That’s the important thing. So in this case, he recognizes, man, I got away from your work for the last few years. Now I’ve got a good girl in my life. So, what do I got to focus on? What’s the important things? What do I got to get done today before I go to bed tonight?

Although our relationship is great, I’m facing a big issue, which could get problematic. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me which caused big pain when I found out. She was very messed up and I shouldn’t have been in a relationship with her in the first place.

Well, you got to recognize that was her. And it’s not fair to anybody else that comes along to be even though you’re going to naturally want to do it, you shouldn’t be comparing what’s going on in your life now versus what happened in the past. You have to vet everybody in your life, not only the people in your romantic life, but your friends. You got to become good at vetting people’s character. Character is destiny.

And the reality is, very few people are worthy of being a close friend. Very, very few people are worthy of being your significant other. And you should be very selective. And when you notice ratchet behavior, it’s like you got to give people the opportunity to show you who they are, to show you their best side, to be their best self. But people with character flaws and character issues. You’re going to spot it like the girl that cheated on you.

She’s probably telling you little white lies here and there and you caught her on it, but because you really liked her and the pussy was good, you’re just like, “Oh, we just want one off thing. I’ll talk to her about it. No big deal.” But the reality is that’s just her character. She didn’t give a shit about being loyal. She wasn’t family oriented. Typically, the type of women that are family oriented come from a good family where mom and dad love each other. They respect one another. The mom respects the father.

She doesn’t browbeat him or berate him in front of their kids, or their adult children or whatever, or just strangers. If they have a disagreement, they handle it behind closed doors like adults. He’s not like a soft beta male that gets walked all over. He’s the head of the household. He’s the alpha. Everybody respects him. His wife respects him, the daughters respect him. But when you have a situation where the wife doesn’t respect the father, the daughters aren’t going to respect the father.

And so, if they’re raised in that kind of environment by basically a soft beta male, well, the women, when they grow up, they expect that that’s how all guys are and that’s how they respond to them. And so, if the mother is abusive towards the father, well, the daughters are going to be the same way, not only towards their own father, but all men in their life, including their significant others. It’s just that’s a fact of life. And so, part of the vetting process, I mean, he’s 22. It’s like this is something you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life; is you’ve got to vet people based on their actions.

And so far, your girlfriend hasn’t done anything to cause you to believe that she’s like your ex. But you’re automatically because of what happened, going to assume the worst. And so, you have to catch yourself. And if you don’t catch yourself, what happens then you end up damaging your relationship and hurting your current girlfriend. Because you’re trying to impose a ghost of relationship past on her, and it’s just not fair to her.

My current girlfriend has never once given me a single sign of behavior like this, she isn’t texting other guys except for work, doesn’t seek attention on social media etc.

The other thing to keep in mind, dude, is it’s like if you’re going to get serious, if you’re going to live together, if you’re going to get married, you got to figure at least two years of vetting. People can hide who they are for at least the first 90 days of a relationship, and sometimes maybe even a little bit longer. It depends on how much time you spend together.

And the less time you spend together, the more time that it’s going to take for you to identify whether you’re with a good person or not. Does she keep her word? Does she show up on time? When she tells you that she’s going to do something for you, does she actually do it? Or does she constantly make flowery promises and not follow through on any of them? Character is destiny. You got to look at what people do. You got to judge people based on how they’re showing up today.

Especially with women, because what a woman says she wants and how she feels about you, it changes like the weather and you can’t take it personally. You just got to look and see. “What’s the weather report like today?” Because you got to live in the present moment. And if you’re worried about what happened in the past, like what happened with the ex cheated on you, you’re not living in the present moment.

And so, everything you do is clouded by a reality that no longer exists. The past is gone. You don’t have a time machine. You can’t go back in time and fix that or live there. The only place to live is right now. And if your girl that you’re with now in the present moment is treating you good, well, then you should treat her like a good, loyal woman. Unless down the road she gives you a reason not to. As Ronald Reagan would say, or used to say, “Trust but verify.”

Keep your eyes open. That’s all you can do. You could be the best boyfriend in the world, but if you’re with somebody that’s got character issues, eventually at some point they’re going to dick you down. They’re going to screw you over. And so, you’re trying to identify those people as quickly as possible. But simple things like, “Does she keep her word? Does she do the things that she promises? Is she reliable? Is she dependable? Is she disciplined? Does she pay her car bills on time? Does she pay her rent on time?”

Nevertheless, I’m plagued by constant worries and fear that this could happen to me again and I’m facing major issues with fear of loss. Sometimes during the day, I have pain in my chest and start overthinking everything.

Well, maybe you should get some hobbies. Go for a run, go to the gym. Meditate is another good thing, especially if you’re feeling anxiety. And maybe you should go speak to a therapist about it and somebody that can help you work through those issues.

Because, as Jim Roan used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me.” So you need to take care of yourself in order to be a good boyfriend. And if you’ve got something going on mentally that you’re unable to get through, maybe, you know, finding yourself a good therapist could be helpful to you.

I’m always trying to act confident, but I think sometimes she can sense that I’m worried.

Well, you shouldn’t look at it so much as worry. It’s just awareness. Because you got burned in the past and you realize that not everybody’s going to be good to you. Not everybody is going to treat you nice. Not everybody is going to be nice to you. Not everybody’s going to be loyal and faithful. And you’re trying to identify that.

I mean, you know, when you really take a step back and you look at the world, it’s for the most part it’s a law of the jungle. And there’s very few people typically you can count them on one hand that are good to you, good for you, and good for the soul. And you have to identify who they are. And the rest of the people you got to kind of keep at arm’s length. You got to manage the distance, as we say in Jujitsu. Jujitsu.

I’m afraid that this will influence our relationship negatively in the long run.

Only if you let it. Again, it’s not fair to your girlfriend for you to project your crap onto her and expect her to deal with it. It’s not fair to project your insecurities that your girlfriend may cheat on you and constantly be accusing her of that. Because then she’s going to see you as weak and needy and be disgusted by you and lose attraction. So it’s not going to be helpful to your relationship. As I talk about in The Book, if you’re about to say something or do something in a relationship, is it going to make you look more confident and sure of yourself, or is it going to make you look like a bitch and look weak and unattractive?

And if it’s not going to help your case, shut your fucking mouth. Keep it to yourself. Go talk to your friends. Go talk to your therapist, your guy friends, not any mutual friends or shit where it can get back to her. Go talk to people that you trust that can help you with it. Don’t make her deal with your insecurities and your fears and your doubts. She doesn’t want to be your mommy. She wants to admire you, respect you, look up to you. And if you’ve got shit that you’re struggling with, either go to your friends or seek some professional help. Don’t make your girlfriend deal with it.

I’m currently going to the gym or boxing almost every day and trying some breathing and meditation techniques. Although it is getting better overall, some days I’m just terrified.

Well it’s okay. Life is not all sunshine and roses, dude. Some days just absolutely fucking suck ass in life. It’s just like some days you wake up and, you know, you lose somebody really close to you and you weren’t expecting it. Happened to me a few months ago, and it’s like the worst fucking thing ever. You wake up, everything’s normal, and then you find out somebody really close to you died. And you’re like, “Fuck, I didn’t expect that. I didn’t see that coming.”

But those things are going to happen. That’s life. And other days you’re going to wake up in a bad mood and something really amazing will happen and you’ll be like, “Wow, what a great day.” It’s all whatever you focus on is going to expand. And so, if you’re doing meditation, do more of that. Anything that can make you calm, peaceful, relaxed, maybe going and doing some yoga, spend some time in nature is very helpful as well when you’re feeling anxious.

What are your tips and strategies in this kind of scenario? Do You have any advice on what I can try to better my situation and regain my trust and faith?

Should I maybe talk about it with her, so she knows that my worries and the vibe that I’m maybe giving of are not in direct correlation with her but linked to my past and completely irrational? I would highly appreciate Your answer!

So long,

Bob

Well, the biggest thing is going to be time. I mean, you’re 22, you’re a kid. You’re a child in the big scheme of things. So you don’t have enough life experience. But if you focus on this and you focus on what your girl does and say in a perfect world, turns out she really is amazing as she seems to be the last five, six months that you guys have been seeing one another. Well. After years together for two years, five years, ten years.

And you keep doing everything right. She continues to treat you well. You got a lot of time of her being loyal to you. Whereas you’ve only been dating her for a few months at this point. And she you had more time with a woman who was disloyal to you. And so, that was a finite amount of time. And so, the more time you can have with women who are loyal and faithful, the more that’s going to build your confidence. You just need time and repetition.

Repetition is the mother of skill, after all. And the biggest thing is you just need more time, and with a good woman and good people as well. And you also might find out, as the years go by, that some of your friends that you thought were good people turn out to be backstabbing little fucking rat bastards. It happens. That’s life. You got to vet people on how they’re showing up today. Not what somebody did in the past or what somebody may or may not do in the future. How are they showing up today?

Because you got to live in the present moment. If you live in the present moment, that’s where you’re going to be most attractive. Because if you’re in your head and you’re thinking about the past or you’re thinking about the future, your girl can sense that something is off with you. So she deserves your undivided attention. When you’re with her, you’ve got to be totally 100% present. Not on your mind going, “Oh, she’s probably cheating on me. Oh, she’s giving out her phone number.”

The most important thing to do is you got to let her think that you trust her completely, because it’s when somebody’s really comfortable and they think you trust them completely that they’ll slip up. So even though you may have internal fears and you may doubt her, you want your girlfriend to think you trust her implicitly. So she’s completely comfortable. Because if she’s completely comfortable and she trusts you and she’s a good person, she’ll continue to give you reasons to trust her.

Because she’s just a loyal and faithful person. She’s a good person. But if she’s a ratchet, if she belongs to the streets, if she’s got low character, then when she thinks you trust her completely, she’ll think she’s got you bamboozled. And the real version of who she is will come out, and then you’ll catch her. And then you can obviously make your decisions based upon that.

So being insecure and accusatory, whether you’re with a loyal and faithful person or you’re with somebody that potentially cheats, it’s like the best place for you to be is in a place where they think that you trust them completely, because that’s where they’ll slip up. And the sooner you can find out that somebody has poor character, the quicker you can remove them from your life and your inner circle. So you can create a space for a good person to come in and fill.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.