Why over analyzing your chances with women you want to date unnecessarily wastes your time, leads to unhealthy attachments, leads to the paralysis of analysis, increases the likelihood of rejection, makes you look weak and lacking confidence, and turns women off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is obviously suffering from the paralysis of analysis. He asks about a woman he met at a party recently. He shares how his interactions with her went during the party, and how he finally asked for her number towards the end of the night. He goes on and on about pointless minutia, dithers, hesitates and delays asking her out, because he is obviously too fearful to get rejected.
Several days have gone by since the party. She has even reached out to him by sending him a friend request on Facebook, but he still dithers and hesitates and delays asking her out. He’s still trying to figure out if she likes him or not. He does not seem to realize he is making excuses instead of simply asking her out. This is what so many men do that ruins their chances with women who would have otherwise gone out with them. If you dither and hesitate, you will masturbate. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I stumbled on your work long ago, catching a few YouTube videos here and there. (You didn’t stumble dude. You showed up right on time, right on purpose.) Then recently, I’ve been watching more, and I’m on my second read of your book. (If you’re only on your second read, come on man. That’s a half-ass effort.) I’m taking in so much I never learned anywhere else, such as from my family and friends, so I’m grateful for your work. Now, almost every day, the world looks slightly different to me, as my perception picks up on the ideas you talk about. (In one of my favorite Wayne Dyer quotes, he says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.” Whatever you focus on in life, it’s going to expand. Where intention goes, energy flows. That’s why it’s so important to focus on your outcome, and move in that direction.) I’m practicing new ways, and I’m more motivated to dress better and keep my living space more guest-friendly. (You never know who you’re going to meet, so it’s important to be prepared.)
Anyway, I met a very pretty woman out partying at friends’ houses last weekend. She was dressed in a cool outfit she made herself, had a subtle, shy smile and was very confident with herself in that bare-shouldered dress, so I was attracted to her and chatted with her a few times during the night. (When you meet somebody and you really connect with them, there’s no reason to walk away from that.) I shared my attention with her only a little bit, since I was running into many friends at the party, making other new ones and just plain enjoying myself alone and with other people. And of course, I wanted to give her plenty of space. (That tells me you were all in your head, but if the chemistry and connection is there, why would you leave that. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s the magic formula. If you don’t read my book 10-15 times and immerse yourself in it, you aren’t really that serious of a student. Therefore, how can you expect to succeed in a quick manner?)
When we chatted, we didn’t trade too many words, as I found her a bit on the quiet side, but I learned she moved here for a job, and she said she liked the same kind of music as me. (That’s partly leading the conversation and asking questions. She should have been doing most of the talking anyway. When you encourage the other person to talk, it creates rapport.) I enjoyed that she stayed out very late dancing with me and my group of friends, so before I left, I invited her out to look at the lawn sculptures, which I was surprised to find were covered in heavy plastic. I gently lifted up a corner of it to see what was underneath and saw that one of the parts had broken off and landed on the damp grass. So I gently reattached it and we stared at it glowing in the dark for a few silent seconds. (It’s smooth how you invited her outside. That should have happened earlier, because some other guy could have taken her home.) Then, in a teasing voice, but one hair more serious than usual, I asked if she was really telling the truth about liking the same kind of music as me. She looked dead into my eyes and said she liked it, but didn’t know much about it, so I told her I’d like to go out dancing at that DJ’s next concert with her and asked for her phone number, which she gave me. (It’s good that you asked for the phone number, but I would have made a date on the spot. The idea is to get the date as quickly as possible.) I waited a few days without getting in touch with her, because I had stuff to do, including repairing my phone, and during this time, in between working on other things, I realized my foot was still healing from a car accident, so I can’t actually go dancing yet. (This is where the paralysis of analysis begins.) It took me another day to realize I should simply ask her to do something else instead. (You were going around in circles and not getting anywhere. The more you dither and hesitate, the higher the likelihood is you’re going to masturbate.) Then, that day or the next, 2 or 3 days after we first met, she sent me a Facebook friend request. (I think she’s interested.) Do you think she’s trying to get me into her orbit because I haven’t called her yet? Or did she put me in the Facebook friend zone? (As I teach in my book, this is why you take slow measured steps. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Give it a couple of days before you call her. She may even contact you first. Then you need to pull the trigger, and make a date.)
By the way, sometimes with women, I find it hard to tell if my teasing is too intense. (If a woman gets offended, then she just got disqualified from your life. Let her go. You have to be yourself. Be the mountain. At the end of the day, a woman with a healthy self-esteem is not going to get offended. It’s great to use humor, because you can see what the girl is made of. Relationships are hard enough. You want somebody who has a good attitude and doesn’t get but hurt over things you say.) I know lots of women who can never be offended and get my sense of humor, but sometimes I can’t tell if they’re really upset or just playing along intensely. (Just assume they’re playing along. If it turns out they’re not then, as Mick Jagger said, “Fuck em’ if they can’t take a joke.” When you stop living your life according to other people’s expectations, it’s so freeing.) For example, this woman I met last weekend is from Boulder originally, but then I couldn’t remember her name, and I called her “Denver” as a joke. She said to me an hour or two later, “Don’t ever call me that again!” (Make fun of a girl when she has a shitty attitude.) Of course, masculine energy is solid in its intent, and I know I was just being playful by suggesting that she caught my attention enough for me to remember something about her, but not every last detail. (You obviously weren’t that into her. If she was smoking hot, you would have remembered her name.) However, I can’t really tell if I’m putting my foot in my mouth. (At the end of the day, so what dude. And with the other girl who friended you on Facebook, ask her out. Stop making excuses. Read my book 10-15 times, learn the fundamentals and get out there and apply it. After you asked for this girl’s phone number, you kind of fumbled the football. People who suffer from the paralysis of analysis typically feel they don’t deserve what they really want. You’re literally sabotaging your own success. When a woman is interested in you, she will help you.)
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most people in life tend to dither, hesitate and delay making important decisions or taking important actions, because they suffer from the paralysis of analysis. This is caused by their irrational fears. Human beings have two primary fears: 1) fear they don’t have what it takes to succeed, and 2) fear they won’t be loved and accepted by their friends, family or peer group. Taking imperfect action is always better than taking no action at all. Why? At least with taking action, you get results you can base subsequent action upon, in order to refine and improve your approach. Basic science teaches us, bodies in motion tend to stay in motion, and bodies at rest tend to stay at rest. Life happens when you move, stagnation happens when you don’t.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne